Finding Reasons

Life is so cruel, isn't it? When you finally think you've got it all figured out it shows you this brilliantly wonderful world you never knew before. But did you know that it also possesses the ability to take it all away? I knew I was never perfect, but what did I do to get life so royally pissed at me?

I remember how stubborn and hard-assed I had been. In fact, I probably still am; at least, that's what he told me all the time. I don't know what fate had in mind when it made me look twice at Harry Potter, but it obviously knew what it was doing. I still can't, to this day, explain why Harry and I ever got together, how we ever saw eye to eye. But we did, and, though no one understood it, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But the days have all melted together now, and the nights are so dreadfully lonely. Every night, before I closed my eyes I would curse him for leaving me. But when I woke up in the morning, I always temporarily forgot he was gone, until I would see that I was on the floor and he was no where in sight. And then the whole day would consist of me wasting away, remembering the awful day it had happened. I can't even tell you how long ago that was anymore.

I dream of him, when I can sleep that is. My Harry, and the way he used to hold me and the way he whispered sweet nothings in my ear and made me smile. Can you imagine; me, a Slytherin, smile? But he did it, every time. All the wonderful years we shared together and I never tired of him. But, even though I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my body, I wouldn't trade those years for anything.

We all knew the war would come with casualties, but we didn't know that it would cost us our hero. I guess it took the death of Harry to make me realize that he really was all I had. Everybody pitied me, they still do. But I don't want them to. Because, although they all lost Harry too, they can't possibly understand what I am going through. They ask me if I loved him. If I loved him. I still do love him; you can't just fall out of love with someone. I know that they still look at me with distrust, they always have. But Harry told them he loved me, and that always shut them up.

But now he's gone, and I'm alone, with nothing but a broken heart. And just who is supposed to pick up my pieces, Harry? I never realized before how much I needed you. I don't cry though, I never have. I promised you I wouldn't, and a promise is a promise. People tell me it's do me a world of good to cry. But what do they know? They still laugh, they still live, and they still go on with life. What was it you did to make me need you? What was it about you that is keeping me from moving on?

I still sleep on the floor; I haven't been on the bed since Harry died. When I close my eyes all I see is him. Not the memories of the war, just him. I don't remember his cold dead body; I just remember the feel of his unruly hair. I don't think about the fact that I couldn't help him, I think about the last thing I said to him. 'I am nothing without you,' I had screamed at his lifeless body. I had cradled him for so long, telling him to take me with him and that I loved him.

But now his body was six feet under, and I am still alive; depending what your definition of alive is. One day I will wake up, though, and I will move on with life as everyone else has. Because I promised it to Harry, and I would see to it.

But for now I'll just lie here, lost in the endless torturing memories of my love. They always asked him how he could love a cruel, heartless Slytherin like me, Pansy Parkinson. And I will never, ever forget his response, 'it's not something that we ask ourselves, it's just something that we do. It's what we live off of, breathe off of; and who are we to question the one thing that keeps us alive?'

Your ghost keeps me alive, my dear Harry. But I won't lie when I say, that one day I will see him again, and we will be together. And for once, in this place where he lays waiting for me, people won't question what we have.

Life is so cruel, isn't it? When you finally think you've got it all figured out it shows you this brilliantly wonderful world you never knew before. But did you know that it also possesses the ability to take it all away? But perhaps, if it had never shown me love in the first place, there would be no point in living. I know how cruel life can be; but, perhaps it has its reasons.