Becoming

Author's Note: Many thanks to my newest beta, Angel for her work on this chapter.

Chapter 9 November 20th, 1999

The pile of envelopes in front of me towered so high I thought it would topple over at any second. I felt as though with every wedding invitation I stuffed, sealed, and addressed, the pile of invitations waiting for my attention grew taller instead of shrinking. With a sigh I grabbed the next in the bunch, shoved it into an envelope and stamped it shut with the wax seal Ginny had provided for me. After turning it over I scanned the guest list for the next recipient and began scribbling out the name and address. I didn't even know the person, or at least I couldn't put a face to the name, as I wrote it out and placed it in the owl bin. After I finished I was going to have to run the lot down the Ministry Owlery to have them shipped off to each recipient.

Ever since the catastrophe Halloween night, I had been doing what I could to help Ginny with the wedding preparations. I did my best to try and appease her and take as much off of her hands as I could. After she stormed out that night I followed her and eventually caught up with her at our flat. She was haphazardly stuffing clothing into an overnight bag and refused to look up at me when I entered the room.

"Gin," I called out, "I'm sorry. Draco's an arse, please don't leave like this."

"You're still calling him 'Draco'," she pointed out with a frown, not even pausing in her task. I hadn't even realized that I started using his first name. Part of me knew that I'd probably started doing so when I began thinking of him differently, but I hadn't realized I was even using it when discussing him with other people, although it's not as if I spoke of him a great deal. Only Hermione knew even a fraction of what had happened and I still wasn't very comfortable talking about him with her.

Saying his name aloud made it all real. It made me a cheater in truth, just like Ginny said. Saying his name like that confirmed that I was a bad person: a liar, a cheater, a manipulator. Whatever you wanted to call it, what I did was wrong.

Her face was still a mess with dried up tear tracks and runny makeup. I felt horrid that she had found out about my indiscretions in such a public and humiliating manner. I completely understood if she wanted to leave me over it but I at least wanted a chance to explain things.

"Ginny, I haven't spoken to him in months. I realized what I was doing was wrong and I corrected it. Please don't punish me now for something that happened ages ago," I pleaded.

"If I had known about it then, I would have punished you then," she muttered under her breath and then stopped short in her packing. "You know what I don't understand?" she started, but clearly it was a rhetorical question because she plowed ahead. "Why? Why Malfoy, why another guy at all? Are you gay, Harry?"

"I- er. No, I mean... I'm marrying you aren't I?" I stammered. I didn't really know how to answer that question. I must have asked myself the very same thing a million times before, but it wasn't as if I was attracted to other men... just Malfoy. I wasn't attracted to him in the same way I was to Ginny either. With her it was soft and comfortable, we came and went as we pleased, we could just sit quietly for hours together and the silence would never get awkward. With Draco it was like a blistering heat traveled through me every moment he was near. I couldn't ever talk right and my whole body responded to him, even when we were arguing. It was vastly different, and after the war that was my childhood, followed by the actual war and death of so many friends and family, I wanted the peaceful quiet relationship I had with Ginny not some turbulent and hostile romance with Draco.

I knew where I stood with her, or at least I had before it all came crumbling down. I was well aware that I wasn't everything she thought I was, but at least I knew what she expected, with Draco I had no clue. What did he even want from me? If I took that leap and the fire fizzled out, what then? No, the fire was fear, fear of the unknown, fear of growing up and taking the next step into the rest of my life; but you don't grow old with the fire. If you touch the flames you'll only get burned.

"Wow," she laughed harshly, clearly not laughing at all, "that is so convincing."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. I kissed one man one time, nothing else. I've been with you for years, you tell me. Am I gay?" I asked, getting a little angry at her attitude towards me. She had every right to feel betrayed, but to pick me apart and mock me? That irked me.

"Yesterday I would have laughed at anyone who even suggested it, tonight I'm not so sure," she replied seriously, obviously hearing in my tone that I wouldn't stand for her teasing me.

I sighed and ran a hand through my already tousled hair. "What can I do?" I asked her. "Whether you leave me or not I'll do what I can to take away your pain, Gin. Regardless of your decision here I know that I hurt you and I owe you whatever explanation you want."

She sunk to the bed with a bout of fresh tears and shook her head. "I don't know what I want, Harry. I've been so absorbed in planning our wedding that I've apparently missed major clues that should have told me you were unhappy. Part of me wants to bail and not hear another word and part of me wants to hear you out and see if we can work through it."

"Which part is winning?" I asked with a soft smile to let her know I know I'd support her either way.

She returned the smile, though weakly and shrugged. "It's neck and neck at the moment. I think I need some time."

I nodded and folded my arms uncomfortably across my chest, unsure of what else to do with the dangling limbs. "I could leave," I offered.

"No, I think I'm just going to go and stay with mum for a bit. She always knows what to do," Ginny reasoned.

I winced slightly, knowing that my secrets would soon be anything but secret, though I couldn't begrudge Ginny being able to talk to her own mother, I just wish my dirty laundry wouldn't soon be passed amongst a large family of redheads. What would Ron say when he heard I had cheated on his sister with Draco Malfoy of all people?

"I'll let her know to keep it quiet," Ginny whispered, seemingly seeing my discomfort. "But you know her. I can't make any promises."

She left soon after that, F1looing directly to the Burrow and left me to ponder what a mess I had made of things. I wanted to blame Draco for all of it, but I couldn't. Sure he was the one who blurted my secret for all of Muggle London to overhear, but it was me who created the disaster in the first place. I should have been clear with Draco that I only wanted friendship. I shouldn't have reciprocated that kiss, I should have been stronger and fought more diligently the growing affection I felt for him. I could have done a dozen things to avoid hurting Ginny the way I did.

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Ginny stayed at the Burrow for a week and miraculously I hadn't received a Howler from any of the Weasley family. At the end of that week, Ginny and I met up for lunch in Diagon Alley. She looked calm and collected and more importantly she looked as though she had made up her mind.

"So, mum reckons you were just having cold feet about the wedding," Ginny began after we'd gotten our menus. I only nodded because that was exactly what I had reasoned out as well. "She said a lot of men do careless and stupid things before they get married."

I chuckled softly and smiled. "Remind me to ask Arthur if he ever kissed another bloke before he married your mum."

"Don't you dare," she replied in mock horror, "and if you do just don't tell me. I really don't want to know if he did."

Relief washed over me as I realized Ginny was no longer angry with me. She went on to tell me about how her brother's shop was doing and about all the preparations that were going on at the Burrow to get ready for our big day. Suddenly she paused and stared at me curiously. "Do you still want this?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I replied, not understanding her question.

"Was your little rebellion with Malfoy a way out or was it a mistake?" she asked levelly.

"A mistake," I replied promptly, however, the words burned my tongue just as surely as Draco's fingers burned when they brushed my skin. I swallowed passed it though. Draco had shown his true colors at dinner that night, he showed me exactly what he thought of my life and how quickly he'd attempt to ruin it if he didn't get his way. Draco Malfoy was no longer an option but moving forward with Ginny was.

She sighed, seemingly relieved and we spent the rest of the afternoon together doing errands for our wedding. It was then that I offered to help more and was assigned with the task of invitations. It was that afternoon that I had apparently condemned my fingers to ache and be covered in a dozen or more thin paper cuts. It reminded me of being back in detention with Umbridge.

"I hear you're in need of some assistance," said a very welcome voice. I turned around and beamed at Hermione, who took a seat at the table right across from me. "I thought I could help you easier than I could help Ginny making centerpieces. I really need to stay sitting," she teased, rubbing a hand along her enormous belly. She was due any day now and looked every bit of it.

"Are you sure-" I began but she cut me off with a stern look.

"Harry James Potter don't you dare attempt to mother me. I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. Why do you think I'm here?" she quipped with annoyance.

"To relax with your best friend," I suggested and she smiled softly.

"And to get your side of the gossip. I heard about what happened at dinner the other night," she told me, not even bothering to sugarcoat it.

"Of course you did," I muttered. "It's all worked out now, so no worries."

"I heard that too, but I'm still curious what happened," she replied with a greedy smile.

"Draco's an arse, Ginny got upset, I felt like shite -yup, that about sums it up, I think," I skimmed over the situation with a roll of my eyes.

"So, he really just told her everything?" Hermione asked with a slight frown.

"Yes he did. I thought I could trust him but I was wrong. I was wrong about everything when it came to Draco," I sighed. "I'm sure he and the French Minister are perfectly happy together while I had to fight to save my relationship."

"He and Luke split up," Hermione mused.

"What?" I replied with a frown. "How do you know?"

"I read in Witch Weekly last week that Minister Beauchamp is on the prowl for a serious partner. He's been given a wireless reality show in order to find his perfect man. They're holding auditions next month," she told me with a giggle.

"Sounds serious," I replied sarcastically, rolling my eyes. "Poor, Draco," I muttered.

Hermione raised a delicate brown eyebrow and scrutinized my last comment. "Poor Draco?"

"I- I just mean he seemed so happy with Luke. I don't get it," I stammered. The fact of it was, for some reason the thought of Draco be dumped made me both miserable and ecstatic all at once. I wanted him to be happy and thinking of him moping around the manor after being left by his dream man made my heart ache for him, while at the same time I felt he deserved it for being such a prat. Not to mention the Fancy Pants French Minister couldn't have been as perfect as he seemed.

Hermione shook her head in dismay. "What Malfoy have you been seeing lately? Because the one I've spoken to is a broken shell of the man he used to be."

"How do you mean?" I asked, my forehead set into a deep frown.

"Every time I see him he's sulking. After you left the Ministry Gala all he did was hang on Luke's arm like a rag doll. He never had an opinion about anything, no snide comments to make, not even a peep. He spent the whole night looking over his shoulder as if trying to find someone," she mentioned, picking up an invitation and filling it out before putting it in the finished pile.

"Who do you think he was looking for?" I asked, afraid of her answer. She didn't answer though; she just rolled her eyes. I got the point clear enough either way -Draco had been searching for me, although it was probably just to rub it in again that he was fucking a gorgeous Frenchman.

"However, anytime you were around he seemed brighter, more like his old self," Hermione mused aloud.

"His old self was a prat, too," I reminded her.

"I meant the Draco you saved from Azkaban, not the one who used to call me a Mudblood," she corrected. "Did you know I saw him right after the trial? I had to do all the release paperwork and certificates of innocence and he went on and on about you like you were the best thing since toast and jam."

"No, you never told me that," I muttered, almost wishing she had, not that it would have changed anything.

"I think he's quite taken with you, Harry," she informed me lightly.

"Well, he sure has an odd way of showing it," I grumbled, thinking of his reckless outburst at the restaurant a few weeks back.

"When have you known Malfoy to be normal, when have you known that of yourself for that matter?" she asked with a laugh.

"But that's what I want to be, Mione," I protested. "I just want a normal, quiet life."

"Is that why you're marrying Ginny?" she demanded, more briskly than before. "If so I think you're going to be very disappointed, Harry. You're Harry Potter and like it or not your life will never be normal."

"I can try," I rebuked. "Isn't it worth trying for at least? I'll never have normal with Draco."

"What would you have with Draco?" she asked, looking genuinely curious.

I sighed and remained quiet. The truth was I didn't know what a life with Draco would bring me, I didn't even know if there were any such thing as a 'life' with him. "I don't know," I answered at last. "Maybe nothing."

"Maybe everything," she countered and I shrugged in reply. "I guess you'll never know then."

"I guess not," I muttered, trying to sound confident and firm but it ended up sounding more torn than I would have liked.

She dropped her searching gaze back to the invitations and we worked on them in silence for a while, only the scratches of quill on parchments filling the air between us. It was comfortable there with Hermione, even though I knew she was trying to work something out about me, and even though I would prefer she just drop it, being around Hermione was always soothing, sort of like being with Ginny.

I had probably gone through another twenty envelopes when I looked up to see Hermione staring at me again. "What?" I asked.

"What was it like kissing Malfoy?" she asked quickly, a wide grin breaking out on her face.

"Hermione!" I scolded sharply. I knew I was blushing, I could feel the heat of it creep up my neck with the very mention of that kiss.

"What?" she grumbled. "Malfoy might be a git, but he's very good-looking. A girl can dream, can't she?"

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "If Ron knew," I teased, shaking my head.

"Well if you tell Ron that I was thinking of kissing Malfoy, I'll tell him you actually did it!" she threatened in return.

"Evil woman," I grumbled with a smile.

"So tell me," she prompted.

I sighed in defeat. "I don't know. It just happened."

"Come on, Harry. Give a pregnant married woman some details. Was it sweet, was it rough, was it awkward?" she asked with a laugh.

"It was certainly awkward," I agreed, "but it was also soft and lingering like ice cream melting on your tongue. My lips tingled for hours afterward. It was... memorable," I offered at last.

"Hm, I always imagined Malfoy would be cold and distant with his affection," she mused aloud.

"Not at all," I corrected quickly. "He's like a smoldering fire, hot to the touch but you don't even realize it until it's too late."

"Sounds sort of perfect," Hermione whispered as if daydreaming about it.

"It was," I confirmed with an all too dreamy sigh. "I-I mean as perfect as a kiss with another man could be," I recovered briskly.

"Right," she replied with a soft sad smile, "of course."

"I love Ginny," I interjected, just trying to make that fact clear.

"I know you do, Harry," Hermione agreed. "You two are good together."

"Exactly," I consented with a nod.

"Though it sounds like you love Draco, too and I think the two of you might be even better together," she added and I choked a bit.

"I don't," I denied thoroughly. "I may have liked him," I started, and added 'a lot' at Hermione's frown, "but I don't love him."

"Harry, you talk about him like he's a dream, like he's a poem you've written. You're smitten with the man," she replied harshly.

"I'm not," I repeated. "I'm perfectly happy with Ginny."

"Liar," Hermione growled. "Harry, don't you think I know you well enough by now to know when you're lying to me? Ginny is your safety net, she's the excuse you use not to live your life to its fullest."

"She is not. She's kind and pretty and loyal," I began.

"If that's all you want, you could buy a dog," Hermione muttered rudely.

"Hey!" I shouted. "When did you start hating Ginny?"

"I don't. I love Ginny, but I think she deserves someone who loves her properly and not someone who will always be wondering 'what if'. I love her like a sister... the same way you do," she whispered, as if she hated to say those words out loud.

I couldn't believe she had just said that, and my mind started reeling at the implications of it. Ginny was one of my best friends, sure, but was that all she was to me? "I can't hear this anymore," I sighed. "My wedding is in a few months, Mione. Why can't you just let me decide who I want to be with?"

Hermione shot me the most pitying look I had ever seen from her before letting her chin fall to her chest. "Okay," she muttered sadly. "I won't say another word about Malfoy."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly and gave her the biggest smile I could muster, which was actually pretty weak. "Thank you," I sighed.

She didn't reply, merely picked up another envelope and began writing out another address or two before standing up. There was still a huge pile of unfinished invitations and I nearly groaned aloud at the idea of having to finish them all by myself, but I couldn't force Hermione to stay.

"Listen, how about I take some of these and fill them out at home?" she offered. "I can work on them tonight and get them in the post tomorrow."

Relief filled me and I quickly nodded. "That would be fantastic, Mione."

She gave me a tight smile and took a stack of invitations and envelopes while I tore off a section of the guest list for her to take with her. "Be well, Harry," she told me, still soft and introspective and I gave her a loose hug before escorting her to the fireplace.

"Thanks, Mione," I said, "for everything, really," I added sincerely. Even though I didn't want to dwell on what I did or didn't feel for Draco, I still appreciated her concern. She disappeared into the glowing green flames and I slumped back into my chair, trying not to think of Hermione's words as I dove into the pile of frilly paper that loomed before me.

Author's Note: And the wedding's back on. Show of hands, who expected as much out of me?