Becoming

Chapter 5: February 21st, 1999

My mind had been a constant buzz for the past twenty-three days seven hours and thirty-eight minutes. That's how long it had been since Malfoy kissed me, or rather, since we kissed each other. I can hardly make him shoulder all the blame when all he did was initiate it. It was my own bad manners to respond and even worse to enjoy it. What kind of person cheats on their fiancée with another man? A man who just a few weeks before was an enemy?

How did my life turn upside down? How did everything go from carefully planned into complete and utter upheaval?

It felt like an old silent movie when I played the memory back in my mind, it was soft and crackled at the edges and it caused my brain to hemorrhage if I dwelled on it for too long, though it was all I could seem to think about since. I was so conflicted about it that my skin began to crawl every time I even so much as thought about visiting him. Deep down I knew I had to eventually, but the longer I went without seeing him the harder it was to rationalize seeing him at all.

What happened was wrong on so many levels I couldn't even name them all. I knew that I should just sit him down and explain that I wasn't attracted to him, but that was a lie. I felt compelled to touch him when he was near and if I was crazy enough to act on that compulsion I was rewarded with even more confusing feelings. Malfoy felt like raw electricity being pumped through my veins, like a cool drink of water when I'd been thirsty for days, like -well, the metaphors were fairly useless because the fact of it was, I was inexplicably drawn to Draco Malfoy and so help me, Merlin, there was no way I was going to act on those feelings.

I couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't let myself become besotted with the angelic boy. I also would try and refrain from thinking of him as angelic, and if I did, he'd be the angel of death. For all intents and purposes, Malfoy symbolized the end of things. If I were to react to the new yearnings erupting inside of me it would be the end of my relationship with Ginny, the end of my friendship with Ron and Hermione and loss of a family who had always given me their love, but even I knew that love had its conditions -it had to, it's not as though I was truly a Weasley after all. But nevertheless, how could I trade all that in for Malfoy? How could I even consider it? What would I even be considering?

It was asinine really to even think of it as a possibility, even if it were the last item on the list; pursuing this twisted thing with Malfoy was simply out of the question. But even though I had decided that very thing a thousand times over I couldn't seem to stop thinking about his pillow soft lips or the heat that flowed between us at his touch. So much did I think about it that I was starting to infuriate my fiancée.

"Harry, are you even listening to a word I say?" she demanded and I pushed my plate of partially eaten crepes away from my body to prepare for the coming argument -we'd been having quite a few of those as of late.

"I'm sorry, Gin. I just have a lot on my mind," I admitted honestly, no need for her to know the exact thoughts that plagued me.

"Well so do I," she huffed indignantly. "I need your guest list, Harry. Have you even worked on it?"

So, it was back to this. "I don't see why you need it so early, and besides, who would even be on my list? All my friends are already accounted for on your list." It was a bit embarrassing to think that my side of the aisle would be empty. Out of my two best friends, one was her brother and the other her maid of honor. I had no family to speak of and her side would be bursting with people. The guest list was already up to five hundred and the only people there for me were the media and Ministry officials. What I wouldn't give to just elope and get married on some deserted island with only Ron and Hermione to join us.

"I thought you might want to invite the Dursleys?" Ginny offered, clearly just feeling guilty for mongering all the available seats.

"When have I ever given you the impression that I would want to invite them to what is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives?" I asked, dumbfounded at her inconsiderate question. I could just imagine having to introduce the people who locked me in a cupboard for eleven years to the people I worked with and saw every day. I shuddered at the very thought of it.

"I just thought-" she began but I cut her off with a sharp shake of the head.

"They won't be there, in fact I'd prefer they not even hear about it so that they can't decide to come for the sake of simply making me miserable."

"They can't be that bad, Harry," she chastised but changed the subject when I narrowed my eyes at her. "So no guest list from you?"

"No guest list," I agreed and she sighed while checking off a little box in the notebook she carried with her everywhere these days. It was her way of keeping things organized. She and Molly had stayed up for hours one evening putting it together with pictures of dress robes and ideas for food or other things she fancied.

"How about colors," she asked, not looking up from her notebook. "Have you given any thought to what colors you'd like things?"

"Erm, really? Colors?" I asked, completely confused. I'd never been to a wedding, so I was lost as to what I was supposed to do. Still, her question seemed silly.

She looked up for a moment but only to roll her eyes at me, which made me laugh. She wanted to know what colors we should make everything at our wedding and she thought I was the one being ridiculous. Girls.

"Really, Harry, do try and pay attention this time," she huffed. "There either needs to be a theme or a set of colors to coordinate things. Themes can get tacky, so we should do colors, just two or three of them."

"I suppose Gryffindor red and gold are out?" I asked, knowing that they were.

"If you're not going to take this seriously maybe I should just plan the whole thing myself," she scoffed and I winced. I wasn't trying to upset her, I just wanted to joke a bit and take some of the pressure off.

"If that's what you want," I offered, hoping to placate her. I really didn't care about most of this formal fluff, so her deciding exactly what she wanted seemed fine with me.

Clearly I was mistaken in my reasoning yet again and her face twisted into a mask of fury. "Do you even care?" she shouted. "Do you even want to marry me? Maybe we shouldn't be doing this at all if you're so disinterested!"

"I-I, of course I want to get married," I stammered, and I did; I just didn't want all the pomp and circumstance that went along with it.

"Then you might want to start acting like it, Harry James Potter," she hissed and grabbed her notebook before heading toward the front door. "I'm late for my dress fitting," she announced.

"Do you want me to come with you?" I asked, but was only met with a frustrated scream and a slamming of the door as she left.

I sighed, wondering what I had said to irk her so badly that time and tried to take another bite of my breakfast only to find I was no longer hungry. It cost me all my self-control not to think about what Malfoy was having for breakfast.

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A graceful tawny owl started tapping at the glass and pulled me away from the dishes I was washing. Manual labor always calmed me. I enjoyed working with my hands and often did things around the house the 'Muggle way', much to the amusement of my adopted family. With a wave of my wand the mundane chore continued while I went to the window to let the beautiful owl swoop inside. It really was a majestic bird, and even though the breed and coloring was all wrong it made my heart ache for my Hedwig. I hadn't found it in me to go shopping for a new owl and often I just used Ginny's -though my fingers would only be able to take so much more of that because her owl was a biter.

I'm not sure if it was the way the bird's beak looked like a sneer or they way it held its wings just so as it landed on the back of my dining room chair, but something about it made me know right away that it was Malfoy's owl. I pulled a treat out from the jar we kept by the window and fed Draco's owl as I petted its soft feathers. After a moment it offered me the small note it carried and I hesitantly took it from his claw.

I tucked it away into my trouser pocket hoping to find the will to ignore it outright, but the bird seemed displeased with that idea and cocked its head to the side as if urging me to open it now. I learned at an early age never to refuse the wishes of an owl, they got very testy when you did.

With trembling fingers I opened it to find the pretty cursive writing of Draco Malfoy. It both thrilled me and pained me all at once to read it, but read it I did and as my eyes skimmed over the page I sighed.

'Potter' it began and I immediately winced at the renewed formality even though it was my own doing that brought it back out. 'You said we needed to talk, yet you've failed to initiate anything, so I will. Meet me at the top of the Hogwarts Astronomy tower tonight at nine.' It was signed with a simple 'D. Malfoy' and after re-reading it I shoved it back into my pocket.

The thought of meeting up with Draco again made my legs feel wobbly. That kiss had been the most awkward and amazing thing I had ever felt, and that fact made me utterly sure that I couldn't meet Draco tonight.

As the bird stood there staring at me, I didn't know what to do, so I shook my head. "I'm not sending anything back with you."

Clearly that wasn't the answer Draco's owl was looking for and it squawked loudly while rustling its feathers in disgust. I reached out a tentative hand and stroked the bird's back, humming softly and calming its tantrum. "I don't know what to do, boy," I cooed, talking more to myself than the tawny bird.

"I want to go, Merlin knows I do. I want to look into his eyes again and just fall, but that's just it. I would fall, fast and hard and without a broom or magic to catch or slow me," I sighed and the bird nuzzled against my hand. "Can I give up an entire life for one person?"

The owl nodded, as crazy as it sounded I know he did, but I just shook my head. "No, I can't." With a light nibble the bird told me I was mistaken, but I didn't think I was. "It's wrong," I whispered and took a deep breath before writing a tiny note on the bottom of Draco's and sending it back with his bird, already missing the soft downy feel of it beneath my fingertips.

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As the day progressed I felt the ache in my chest swell. Noon, two, four all passed and inched closer to the moment where I would need to decide between the unknown or the warm and comfortable. There could really be something there between Draco and I but was I brave enough to find out? Where had all my Gryffindor gusto gone?

I hadn't made up my mind for sure, as certain as my external dialogue was that I would be staying home that evening, my internal was screaming 'no, don't let this slip by!' Part of me knew I needed to just stay away, get past it and move on, but the rest of me wanted to know what this could be, what it could turn into.

With indecision looming over me I really didn't need the Floo call where Ginny told me she would be staying at the Burrow that night. It was as if she wanted me to leave her for Draco -would I do that? Would I throw it all away for a cheap grope and passionate kisses? No, but only because that's not what it was between us. All my life I knew that Draco had some part to play in my destiny, and I spent years thinking that it was because of Voldemort and the war. Could I have been mistaken? Could this be it? Could he be my -no. I refused to even think the word in reference to Draco Malfoy of all people. I was getting married to my schoolyard sweetie and all would be well, I just had to get that intoxicating kiss out of my mind.

Though that hardly explained why I looked down to find my broom in my hand. With a sigh I walked to the backyard, cast a quick Disillusionment Charm and took off into the sky, letting the wind through my hair clear away my muddled thoughts.

Flying was always exhilarating. Even if I hadn't been a natural at it I think I would have put forth the effort to be great. The chill of the crisp evening air on my face was the best feeling in the world. Even when my fingers grew numb and my clothing became moist from the clouds it was still better than anything I'd ever tried -even better than sex.

The colors of sunset played across my vision; vivid pinks and plum purples melted together with fiery orange and red to create the most beautiful blaze as the sun dipped behind the ocean and heralded my journey toward a new kind of fate than what was emblazoned inside foggy crystal balls.

The flying did help to clear my mind, no longer did thoughts of soft lips and hot groins capture my attention, it was suddenly all about the landscape below and the endless sky above. It wasn't until I saw the familiar lake and castle looming in the distance that I realized the full weight of what I was doing and slowed my journey.

Is this what I wanted, what my body, mind and soul craved to be happy? Maybe. Was it what I needed?

Yes.

With this new sense of determination I swooped down to the lake, basking in the navy blue twilight and the stars reflected back over the lake. The water was freezing as I flew low enough to run my fingertips across its mirrored surface, making ripples that marred my triumphant reflection. I was going to do this. I was going to be bold and risk it all on a whim and a prayer, putting my heart in the hands of someone who was all but capable of crushing it.

It was nearly nine so I made my way back up, floating on the air like a graceful bird as I drove myself closer and closer to where Draco waited for me. I quickly scanned the tower and spotted him right away at the top. He was standing at the edge of the wide-open platform that the students used for stargazing -among other things- and he was staring off toward the south where he must have anticipated my arrival. It was only then that I realized my Disillusionment Charm was still intact and he couldn't see me. In a split second I decided to wait and watch him for a moment.

He really was stunning. I hadn't ever noticed before -well I had, but not in the sense I noticed now. His brilliant blond hair shined like a silver beacon in the moonlight and his face was so pale it was almost luminescent. The bright whites contrasting with his dark robes gave him a halo effect, bringing to mind those angelic qualities I couldn't seem to banish.

He didn't seem real.

With a deep breath I realized that I couldn't have been more right. It wasn't real. The thought of Draco being this perfectly matched soul mate for me was complete rubbish. The only reason he even spoke to me after the war was because he thought he owed me something. Was this just his way of paying me back? Here I was thinking of love and forever and it had only been a kiss, a jumbled mistaken kiss that no matter how fantastic it was, it was nothing more.

Draco was a fantasy and I was about to send my entire reality careening into oblivion because I was stupid enough to chase the mythical unicorn... well okay, something actually mythical then. Maybe I was secretly looking for an escape from the harsh realities crashing in on me, or maybe I needed to break someone's saintly expectations of me. An affair with Draco Malfoy would certainly achieve both, but I wouldn't take the easy way out of things. I wanted this life, I made these decisions I owned the outcome.

I rummaged in my pocket and found a Knut and a small candy wrapper which I Transfigured into a box and ribbon and with an aching heart I slipped the silver ring Draco had given me off my finger and placed it inside before diving in and positioning it carefully and silently on the ledge directly beside where the former Slytherin stood.

The movement caught his eye right away and he made a grab for me but it was too late, I was out of his reach, both literally and figuratively. "Potter?!" he called after me but I didn't answer because I couldn't. My words stuck in my throat so I just turned away and flew as fast as my broom would carry me back to London -back to real life.

Author's Note: I absolutely cherish an indecisive Harry. Next we'll get to see what a rejected Draco looks like.