Once Upon a Time

Once Upon a Time

"Once upon a time, there was a prince."

"What kind of prince?"

"Oh, he was the most wonderful sort of prince. He was kind and noble and very handsome. Though he did wear some rather unflattering glasses - Oi! Don't elbow the storyteller. Do you want to hear this or not?"

"Sorry. Yes. Please continue."

"Thank you. Now, as I was saying, once upon a time, there was a prince. He lived all alone in the utmost room of the utmost tower of a rather large castle. There were others in the castle, and in his tower for that matter, but none ever dared venture up to the prince's room. He - "

"Why not? Why didn't they like to see him?"

"Perhaps it's because he was an obnoxious git who kept interrupting and wouldn't ever let anyone finish their ruddy story."

"Oh."

"Indeed. Now, shush. So, anyway, the prince lived all alone in his tower, except he had two friends who he cared about very much. No one could quite understand why he liked these two people because they were very much below him. One of them was the destitute village idiot who was known to stumble around town yelling nonsense to any within hearing distance, and on occasion get into the castle where he would infringe upon the lives of far better people and harass them with his lunacy. . . No . . . I said no interrupting . . . His other friend was a pauper of dirty blood; in fact, the girl wasn't even human. She was not one of the elegant people of the kingdom, oh no. She was a half-beaver, half-Blast-Ended Skrewt who flopped around the castle chattering her buck teeth and shaking her bushy hair. But the prince was a very noble bloke, as I mentioned before, so he put up with the idiot and the beaver because, as he was a noble, self-rightous arse, he couldn't see any other possible options."

"Now wait a minute....I didn't say you could insult my - mpfh. Hey...no kissing. You...ah...you don't play fair."

"When have I ever? Now let me finish this already. So the prince was all alone except for his ridiculous sidekicks, and he gave all outward appearances of being quite content in his current state. However, he was the prince of the castle, and it wouldn't do for the prince to be alone, so everyone tried to find him his perfect match. His princess. The idiot and the beaver tried to coerce him into marrying several of the princesses from the tower and various other towers in the castle (though they never ventured down to the dungeon....they thought it was haunted....bloody pansies). Princesses came from far and wide to try to woo the prince, but it was all to no avail. You see, the prince wasn't interested in having a princess for himself. Oh no. What the prince wanted was another prince for his very own. He - what is so bloody hilarious that you have to interrupt my story yet again? I don't have to tell this you know. I could just leave you all alone with your mirth. Here I am, I'm going. Yup, I'm getting up and walking out the door, you ungrateful sod, you - gah! Damn you."

"Ha. You're not the only one who doesn't play fair."

"Alright...I..g..get it. Now if you would kindly remove your hand from my...my...gah...oh...my...crotch I could con...continue the story....well, maybe just a quick - no. I shall not be deterred **be strong, damn it!** Just....remove the hand please...Thank you. Now where was I before that *cough* distraction. Oh yes. The prince thought that he was all alone, but there was another prince. He was the prince of the land below. You see, the reason that everyone thought that the dungeons were haunted was because, in a way, they were. There was another kingdom of people below the castle. They would walk among the other kingdom-folk, but they were not of them. They were apart. Many thought that the dungeon people were evil, but in fact they were just....okay, evil, but in a sexy, appealing sort of way. Anyway, so enter the dungeon prince. If it was possible, he was even more dashing and gorgeous than the prince of the kingdom above. He was a Sex God. He was the prince of dark beauty and majesty. He was the crème de la crème. He was the apple of everyone's eye. He was the mango in your fruit salad. He was the most completely uber-sexy - "

"Uber-sexy?"

"Shut up. Yes, uber-sexy individual to ever grace the halls of, well, anywhere. That hair....those eyes....those lovely pouty lips - "

"Sorry. Just got caught up in the dungeon prince's incredible wit, and charm and fabulous good looks and - "

"Hey!"

"Right. Sorry. Focusing. The prince of the kingdom above and the prince of the kingdom below never got along very well. You see, as charming as the prince normally was, he always acted like a royal git toward the dungeon prince. Though, to his credit, the dungeon prince was never much better. This animosity had become legendary and everyone pretty much expected that one of them would kill the other. Which is why what really happened came as such a surprise to everyone."

"Wow. Understatement of the century."

"Indeed. It was, less of a surprise, more as a horrifying, heart-attack, death-inducing sort of shock. But that came later. What came first was a meeting, or rather, a head-on collision. See, one day, the prince was walking down the halls of the castle, staring at his feet while contemplating the deep intricate mysteries of life, when all of a sudden he hit something and fell flat on his arse. After locating his god-awful glasses he realized that the thing that he had walked into was none other than his nemesis....the dungeon prince. Now this sort of clumsiness was the sort of unroyal behavior that the dungeon prince just couldn't abide. I mean really....he had just been knocked flat on his back, which had served to not only rumple his very expensive robes, I mean cloak, and throw his books all over the room, but it had also messed up his hair. Thus the hallway collision turned into a heated argument which turned into a fist fight which then developed into a full out brawl between the people of the kingdom above and the people of the kingdom below, with the two princes of light and dark at the very center of it all. Just as the fight was starting to get good, when blood was starting to be shed, the chief advisor arrived. You see, true, the prince was royalty, but he was not yet old enough to rule, so the castle was under the command of the chief advisor. So....this bloke shows up, sees all the people of the kingdom brawling, and flips his wig....and his wig is not easily flipped. In the end, many were punished, but none worse than the two princes. They were sentenced to....dum, dum, dum! Latrine duty."

*shudder* "Ugh. I hate those bloody loos."

"And you think I love them? So the prince of light and the prince of dark (though there was much debate as to who was who) were sentenced to the most loathesome of sentences. And not just for a night. Oh no. They were stuck cleaning out those ruddy loos for many moons. At first, the two boys couldn't stand the sight of each other. Any time one of them would so much as look at the other, a fight would break out between them. Most of the time they just worked in silence, and they were content to do so. The hatred between them had gone on so long, that they never suspected that it could be anything else. But then came.....the accident."

"Oh no!"

"Oh yes. The accident. One day, the prince was cleaning out a particular toilet when a terrible scream arose from beneath. Suddenly the toilet exploded, emitting a huge fountain of toilet water and a screaming bloody banshee of a ghost. The poor noble prince was thrown backwards by a huge geyser of toilet water. It was then as the dungeon prince saw the noble good prince fly backward and crack his head on a rather pointy bit of sink that he realized something."

"What was it?"

"I'm getting to that. He realized that he didn't want the prince to die. He ran over to the unconscious boy and knelt over him, yelling his name, trying to awaken the prince. When the prince did not respond to his efforts, the dungeon prince did something he had never done before and never expected he would, especially not over one such as the prince....he cried. Then, as one stray tear dropped from the end of the dungeon prince's nose to the cheek of the unconscious form in his arms, the good prince's eyelashes fluttered a bit and he murmured a single word.....the dungeon prince's name."

"Awwww."

"Indeed. Once the noble prince recovered from his accident a few days later, it was back to business as usual on latrine duty for the two princes. However, one thing had changed drastically. The boys could now stand each other's company. They were even...shall we say, friendly? It was therefore no great surprise for them when their tolerance grew to friendship and then grew to something more. It was, however, a surprise to everyone else, as I mentioned before. Oh, there was much weeping among the women (and some of the men) of the castle to lose two such gorgeous individuals to the lure of each other, but there was naught to be done about it. The two princes were well and truly attached to each other."

"Literally?! Wow. That would be awkward. Could you imagine trying to go to Potions attached at the foot or something. Imagine the look on old Sna - "

"Hey! No....not literally, you great sod. Emotionally. Damn, you're dense sometimes."

"Well I can't help it. You were unclear."

"Don't pout....stop it...I mean it...don't...damn it...alright, I'm sorry. You're not dense. Happy now?"

"Maybe. If you promise to make it up to me later...."

"Oh...I promise. But first, the story....So, the two princes were an item. The noble prince was never all alone in his tower now, and he no longer had to put up with the idiot and the beaver night and day, though he did subject his poor, innocent boyfriend to them on occasion, but I suppose it couldn't be helped. Princely duty and all that. The dungeon prince and the noble prince were no longer so different from each other. The noble prince became less sickeningly sweet and, as much as he loathed to admit it, the dungeon prince became less....a very, very little bit less....evil. But only a little bit. - Yes, I know. Stop smirking like an idiot...You look like a demented house elf. Quit it. - So as I was saying, they both became more and more like each other. And they were very happy forever and ever. The End."

"That was a great story, Draco."

"Why thank you. I like to think so."

"Thank you for the story. Now...you owed me an apology, I believe."

"Oh yes...I remember."

*snogging noises*

"Draco?"

"Hmm?"

"My glasses aren't really that bad, are they?"

"Of course not, my dear Harry."

"You're just trying to make me feel better, aren't you?"

"Is it working?"

"A little bit, if you move just a tad to the - ah left. There. Yes, there....ah. This is nice, isn't it? You and me?"

"It would be nicer if you would just shut up and kiss me already."

And they lived happily ever after