Out of Time and Memory

Chapter Two - Death

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Click. The soft shut of the nursery door closing as Lily turns out the lights on the mobile of stars above Harry's cradle. She turns her green eyes to me. She smiles her gentle smile and raises her finger to her lips, warning me needlessly that our son is sleeping in the room beyond the door. I beckon her into a hug, stroking her soft red hair in a moment of absolute comfort and feelings of safety. As my hands traced her delicate chin the sky outside seems to irrupt in a clash of thunder, rumbling though the ground, and through our hearts. For though no muggle would be able to tell the difference in the sound of the thunderstorm, we hear it for what it is: it the sound of wizards being hunted, hunted by a madman. It is the sound of a powerful wizard apparating and breaking a powerful spell. I look into my wife's green eyes and at the horror that comes into them. Suddenly my moves seem involuntary as I turn, and, in what seems like slow motion, I walk to the stairs, my thoughts turned to the night, and what lies in the darkness.

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And here in the night

As I feel the inferno
I stare in the dark
Thinking what is eternal

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"Lily, take Harry, take him and run!" I shout as I head for the stairs, ready to fight for the possibility of my family's survival.

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The man or the moment
The act or the reason
These thoughts fill my head
As I contemplate treason

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I'm walking to my death, I think to myself, knowing that these are my last thoughts. . .One would think that one's mind would be well focused at this time, but no. My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere, all at a vital moment. By sacrificing myself, am I in some way betraying my family? I wonder. Will they ever forgive me? Will my son remember me? Will he know the reason for this act that I am about to commit, the act that amounts to a suicide mission?

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Of dreams I have had
And dreams I have pondered
When late in the night
My mind it would wander

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Flying, a family, teaching, a future. . . My mind still reels, thinking of all the things I have done, all the dreams that I have had. Dreams of teaching my son to fly, of other children, teaching them all I know. . .things that I will never get to have now. . .

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To things I have done
And then quickly regretted
While denying vices
My life had selected

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The memories come flooding in as I reach the bottom stair. Holding Lily's hand the first time, our first kiss, our wedding, holding her after I found out she was pregnant, holding Harry for the first time. . .all such happy memories. I hold on to them as I descend the stairs, ignoring the screaming of my mind telling me to turn around, run, hide. . .even though I know that no matter where I hide, they have the house surrounded, and I won't escape. And I hope that these memories I die with will hold Lily and Harry together in the future.

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And think what I've done
Or have yet to begin
And the man I've become
And the man that I've been

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My son, my family, my friends. . .I'll never see them again. They are the reason I am the man I am today, and without them, I would have been a very different person. If that person would have been better or worse, I'll never know, but I can only think that having them in my life has enriched it and made me a better man. And now I will never again get to kiss Lily, or hold Harry, or thump Sirius and Remus on the back in brotherly affection. I hope that in years past I have told them how much they mean to me, for I won't get the chance to now.

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Now caught in a waltz
With the eternal dancer
I'm courted by death

But death isn't the answer
I say

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"No," I mutter as I walk though the back parlor. Death isn't the answer for Lily and Harry, or for Sirius or Remus. If I can just hold the Death Eaters and Voldemort off long enough, I can save them. I can give Lily and Harry a chance to get away. Out a window, to the ground, and into the woods. They shall not face death this night if I have anything to do with it.

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All I was
Meant to be
Could I
Suddenly
Just decide
Not a thought
Would survive
Could it be
My life's worth
Ended there
With my birth

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Oh God I'm scared, I may never see them again, I'm scared, but I, I'm suppose to be brave. . . How can I be so frightened, and yet still walking. I seem still to be walking in slow motion, and a million thoughts flicker through my head with every second.

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If I could see someone

Who's been there before me
And traded his soul
For a moment of glory

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God, I'm scared, I pray. Brave? How can I be brave facing death? I am not an avid Christian, and yet I find myself praying in this instant. I pray for bravery, the kind Gryffindor House is known for, the kind that can save my wife and child.

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His penance or mercy
By spirits debated
While judged on a scale
That's been heavily weighted

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Why us? Why us, God? Why does everything always happen to us. Three times Lily and I have faced the Dark Lord. Three times we have defeated him. And still he haunts us. Why must he plague us so?!

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And what have I done
Could there be such a sin
In this man I've become
In this man that I've been

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What did we do to deserve this? What did I do, what can I do to save them? If I can just stave off the Dark Lord long enough, I can give them time to get away. Just keep him occupied so that Lily and Harry are safe. . .

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Now calling to God
From the pit's very bottom
I pray he forgives
Every sin I've forgotten
This day

And who would have thought
That my fate it would conjure
This twist in the road
On which I have wandered

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I am in the hallway now, almost to the front door. . .I will meet the madman who haunts our nightmares. I will face him with my head held high, not cowering as he would have me do. I won't give him that much of a victory. I mentally shout my prayers to heaven for God to forgive any sins that I may have committed. I never thought that my life would end quite this way. . .on a battlefield, yes, in my home, no. What brought about this twist of fate? What road could I have taken that would have saved us all this pain?

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Each vision and dream now
Completely dismembered
To give one's whole life
And find nothing's remembered

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My son, my wife. . .Lily, run,. . .am I ready? Am I truly ready for death? I had thought before this that I could face it without fear when it came, that if I was fighting for my family I would not feel the trembling of fear at all. . .but I was wrong. I forgot to figure in the fear of not seeing my family again, the fear of loosing everything I have worked to attain in my life. . .the fear of being forgotten by those whom I care for the most.

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And what good is a life
That leaves nothing behind
Not a thought or a dream
That might echo in time

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My son, remember me. . . I don't think that my spirit could rest if I wasn't remembered by the son that I love so much. I hope that Harry is told stories of me by Remus, by Sirius. . .by the remaining Marauders. . .The only two remaining. . .After all, the fourth was already lost.

"The door." I whisper. "Voldemort and my. . .friend. . .Wormtail. . .". I know he waits outside with his new master. I know he was the one to give away our position. And my blood boils with the knowledge.

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The years and the hours
The seconds and minutes
And everything that

My life has placed in it

Betrayed
Betrayed
Betrayed

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"Our life's dreams, gone. Because of him," I cast my spell as the thoughts of what he had done sunk in. "That unimaginable bastard."

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The things I have done
The places I've been
The cost of my dreams
The weight of my sins

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I cast a stunner as the door opens, hoping to at least stun those behind it for an instant, to buy some time for a better spell. But I see green over powering my red, the green speeding towards me. . .Green like her. . .like his, like their eyes. . .

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And everything that
I've gathered in life
Could it be lost
Could it be lost in this

Could it be lost in this
Night

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My last thought amid that green in the night is my family. Please, keep them safe. . . . and then I hear the laughter of the past as it moves forward into the future, leaving me in my last memory - that of seeing Voldemort move upstairs towards my wife and son. . .