A Delicate Balance

CHOFESH

1998 May 26

Apparently spearing fish was a werewolf talent.

Harry was exhausted from so many sleepless nights and Sirius was still readapting to his new and much shorter body. After about an hour of getting soaked to the bone and failing miserably in catching any fish, they decided to call it quits and go back to the lodge.

"It would have been so easy if I could change into Snuffles," Sirius commented as they climbed up the hill. "Or you could just use your wand. Or let me use it," he suggested.

Harry did not respond, just as he did not in the six previous times Sirius mentioned it.

"I know where we can get food!" Sirius declared. "Moony took me to the Muggle village once, not too far from here, and there was a big shop there that sold supplies to make food and stuff... How did he call it? A superstar... Or a superhero..."

"A supermarket?" Harry offered.

"Right, that's it! Do you have any Muggle money?"

"Yes." Harry had been secretly exchanging all the money he had in Gringotts together with the Blacks' fortune he inherited, to Muggle currency for the last two years. They were practically rich.

"Great, let's go then," Sirius tugged at his arm enthusiastically.

Harry supposed it would be safe if it was a Muggle place. But... He looked at Sirius. "Shouldn't you, um... change clothes?" he eyed the exposed navel.

Sirius looked down at himself, grabbed the beige slacks where it fell around his hips and pulled them up to his chest. "Better?" he grinned unabashedly.

Harry watched as the trousers fell back to exactly where they were as soon as Sirius let go, revealing his pubic hair. "Sure," he said, defeated.

They walked for nearly twenty minutes until they reached the store. Harry did not like how crowded it was. Especially the girls who shamelessly ogled Sirius. Or even worse - the blokes. Harry tightened his grip around the wand that was hidden up his sleeve, holding back the urge to hex them all, his blood boiling with possessiveness.

Sirius was completely oblivious to their stares. He walked excitedly down the aisles, touching everything and showing it to Harry. "...And look at this one, Harry - soup in a paper box!" He shook it. "And it sounds like there's powder inside, or something," he said in amazement.

Harry laughed. "How come you've never gone grocery shopping before?"

Sirius shrugged. "Always ate whatever the House-Elves served. Except for when I was a dog and ate rats or out of dustbins," he said as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Harry cringed in disgust.

Two giggling girls were following them, but disappeared under the force of Harry's Death Glares. Sirius had not noticed and went on like a kid in Honeydukes, reading to Harry all the funny product's names and pointing at more mystery items.

They had been there for almost an hour until Harry's stomach started growling angrily. They took everything they needed, paid, and carried the bags back to the lodge.

Sirius chattered happily the whole way and Harry just smiled and listened. He let the voice wash over him, still not believing he was hearing it again, that his Sirius was really there, alive.

Harry prepared the meal while Sirius showered. He nearly dropped the salad bowl when Sirius returned, clad only in a pair of white boxers decorated in small red hearts, water dripped from his wet hair, drawing long glistening trails down his bare chest.

Sirius chuckled. "Would you have believed a werewolf wears such a thing?" He turned and walked to the small round table in the corner of the kitchen, the boxers clinging to his still moist skin and dipping to the crack in the middle.

Harry gulped and tore his eyes away.

By the time their lunch was ready it was almost time for dinner.

Harry ate numbly, too nervous from the upcoming conversation to feel any taste. He glanced up at Sirius through his bangs - he was shovelling food down his throat as if he had not eaten in years. Which was probably true, Harry reminded himself.

"Mmm... 's good," Sirius managed around his mouthful. Then he swallowed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "So," he smiled at Harry, "are you going to tell me everything? Like why and how am I here?" he questioned.

"You're here because I brought you back. I thought you would be happy." A big knot formed in Harry's stomach. "Aren't you?"

"Of course I am," Sirius reassured and squeezed his shoulder briefly. "I just can't understand how you did it. I don't remember much of it, but I know I was dead ... and no one can resurrect the dead."

Harry shrugged. "Guess I can."

"How?"

"I made a new potion and used some ancient Jewish magic. And I'm more powerful now, so that helped." At Sirius' questioning gaze he explained, "Dumbledore gave me some private lessons, you know, to train me against Voldemort."

"So you know about... the prophecy?" Sirius asked and Harry nodded. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it before. I wanted to, but everyone thought you were too young," he apologised.

Harry shook his head, "It's okay. Dumbledore told me everything right after... after what happened at the Ministry." Even though Sirius was sitting in front of him, very much alive, it was still hard for him to talk about his death.

Sirius seemed to sense it, leaned forward in his seat, and looked deep into his eyes. "I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere, I promise," he said softly and Harry turned his gaze to his plate, because if he would keep looking into those deep bright eyes he would not be able to stop the tears any longer.

Sirius reached out and cradled Harry's cheek in his hand. "Look at you, all grown up," he said. Harry stopped breathing. Sirius's palm was so soft and warm against his skin, and he leaned his face into the touch. "How long was I gone?" Sirius asked, his thumb caressing gently.

"Two," Harry choked. He tried to clear his throat. "T... two years." He gripped his chair so he would not melt to the floor.

Sirius dropped his hand. "Wow... So what happened? With the war?" he asked.

"Nothing really. Everybody knows Voldemort's back, but he's still hiding. There are attacks sometimes, but it's not a full blown out war. Not yet, anyway."

"So why are we hiding? Aren't you supposed to be at school?"

Harry pushed his hand through his hair nervously. That was one of the questions he feared most. "Nobody knew I was planning to bring you back. You see, some of what I did was not completely... legal... I didn't want them to stop me. And we can't let anyone find out, okay?" he pleaded.

Sirius's eyes narrowed slightly. "You haven't hurt anyone, have you?"

Harry picked at his vegetables. "No, of course not." He did not hurt anyone - the cyanide did it.

"Oh, good. You worried me there for a second," Sirius smiled. "So you brought me back from the after life, all by yourself? I always knew you would be a great wizard," he said proudly.

Harry blushed. "Actually, someone named Ann helped a bit."

"Ann?" Sirius frowned. "That name sounds familiar somehow..." he scrunched his nose, "Is she like, really ugly?"

Harry burst out laughing, but then caught himself. "No!" he answered quickly and stared around wildly. He hoped the gods were not listening.

"Oh, I nearly forgot - why can't I change into Snuffles? I understand you are not using magic 'cause you're afraid to be tracked down, but why can't I? No one would look for me," Sirius asked.

Harry picked up the chipped cup and hid his face, pretending to drink. He knew the answer to that would not go down easily. "There was some condition I didn't know about and only found out when it was already too late." He put the cup down, took a deep breath, and exhaled. "And you came back as a... eighteen year old Muggle," he finished in a rush.

"What?" Sirius hissed. Then yelled, "I'M A MUGGLE!?"

Harry's heart jumped to his throat. "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would happen, I'm so so sorry," he cried and buried his face in his hands. He should have sacrificed a wizard instead of Dudley. He worked two years on this ritual and still managed to screw it up and disappoint his godfather.

"Is it permanent?" Sirius voice was strained.

Harry nodded mutely.

Sirius sighed. "Well, then there's nothing we can do about it," he said. "Harry, look at me." He prodded Harry's hands off his face. "I'm not mad at you, alright? You've done more than enough; this is not your fault."

But Harry could see he was still upset.

They finished eating in silence and then Harry went to shower as Sirius insisted to wash up the dishes. Harry could hear smashing cutlery on his way out.

When he returned, dressed in his pyjamas, he found Sirius on the floral couch. He approached tentatively, not sure if everything was alright between the two of them.

Sirius grinned at him and waved to the fireplace. "Look, I lit a fire - the Muggle way," he said smugly.

"That's great," Harry grinned back. He was so relieved Sirius was not angry with him. Sirius had his feet on the tea table, crossed at the ankles, and was patting the seat next to him for Harry to sit down. The orange flames reflected in the grey eyes and shadows danced on his bare skin.

Harry's mouth was watering. He gulped and sat near the young man that he found it harder and harder to call his Godfather.

Sirius put his arm around his shoulders. "Do you have any plans as to what we do next?"

Harry's heart warmed at the word 'we'. It was he and Sirius together, just as he always dreamed. "I dunno, I thought maybe we could hide in the Muggle world, find a nice flat, a home..." He looked up uncertainly, but relaxed when Sirius smiled and tightened his arm around him. "We should leave Britain. Everyone would look for me here. Is there anywhere you would like to go?"

"Someplace warm and sunny, with a nice beach. I need to tan," he lifted his other arm and looked at it critically. "Before I start looking like a Malfoy," he shuddered.

"I think you look perfect," Harry blurted and bit his lip in regret.

Sirius cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. "Perfect you say? Well, that's just because you missed me so much," he ruffled Harry's hair affectionately. "So where should we go then?" he returned to their previous topic. "Do you know any other languages? It would be easiest to speak the native tongue."

"Um... just a few words in Hebrew... But I don't want to go to Israel," he said.

"Hell no!" Sirius snorted. "We're trying to get away from war zones. The only other places they speak English is the United States," they both looked at each other and wrinkled their noses in distaste. "Or Australia. I always wanted to go there; they have some funny animals... And Billywigs," he winked mischievously.

"Australia sounds good, and it's really as far as you can get," Harry agreed.

"Yeah, but how will we get there without Apparating?

"We'll fly."

Sirius shook his head. "I know you're an excellent Quidditch player, Harry, but riding a broom that far is impossible."

Harry laughed. "No, I meant flying on an aeroplane."

"Oh, those huge metal things Muggles invented, that go above the clouds?" Sirius asked in bewilderment.

"Er... yes. But if you're scared we can find some other w -"

"Are you mad?!" Sirius cut in. "I've wanted to try those for ages! This is going to be so much fun!" he said eagerly.

Harry could not be happier; things were going so well, he was afraid he would wake up. He snuggled closer and rested his cheek on Sirius's shoulder.

- - -

He was sliding down a warm body, his mouth open against strong smooth chest, tasting and licking. The muscles tightening under his tongue as it glided slowly between rows of squares and dipped into a dark navel, thrusting in and out. Dark curls tickled at his chin teasingly. He moved downwards, inhaling the musky scent, hot flesh hardening in his squeezing palm, and he parted his lips, ready. Fingers tugged at his hair, encouraging, demanding, someone was moaning, Harry, a sweet voice moaning his name...

"Harry."

"Harry."

He opened his eyes and found himself staring at a round pink... nipple? He jumped away.

"We fell asleep on the couch," Sirius said drowsily and kept caressing Harry's hair gently. "Are you okay? I heard you moaning... Did you have a nightmare?" he asked worriedly.

Harry's heart was drumming madly against his rib cage. "No. I mean... Yes! Yes, a nightmare," he shifted quickly and tried to rearrange his clothes so the true nature of his dream would not show.

Sirius glanced at his lap. "Ohhh... I see," he smiled knowingly. "Don't worry about it; it's perfectly normal for your age. One day you'll have to tell all about your mystery lady, but right now we should get some real sleep." He stood up. "C'mon, let's go to bed."

Harry hoped the darkness would hide his blush. The only lights in the house were the few remaining burning logs and coals in the fireplace. He watched the salamanders scurrying between the dying flames as he tried to will his erection away and understand what the hell was wrong with him.

Sirius took two candles and a matchbox off the mantelpiece. "Watch this," he whispered in concentration and lit a match. Then he made a show of igniting the candles. "Ahah!" he exclaimed, "I can control fire with my hands." He flexed his fingers theatrically, grinned maniacally, took one candle, and carried it to Lupin's bedroom.

Sometimes it was easier to believe that man was eight instead of thirty-eight, Harry mused. He took the other candle, and followed him.

"Meep," was the undignified sound that came out of Harry's mouth as he entered the room. Sirius was near the bad; his back to Harry, and bent in half while peeling off his boxers. His skin bathed in the red and yellow lights of the candles, one in front of him on the nightstand and the other, behind him, in Harry's shaking hand. All the calm Harry managed to gather just a minute before evaporated, his heartbeat raced, and the air became way too hot for such a late hour. He stared at the curved cheeks and embarrassedly remembered how yesterday, when Sirius was merely a clay figure, he took that piece of lead and pushed it right - in - there...

Sirius turned around and Harry started, nearly falling backwards. He immediately averted his gaze from the naked young man before him to a spot on the wall over his shoulders. "Pyjamas. I have more. You want?" he stuttered, trying to sound nonchalant, but not certain he succeeded.

"Pyjamas? What for?" Sirius smiled innocently and climbed under the covers. "Are you coming?"

"I'll just go brush my teeth," Harry said. And take a very cold shower, he added to himself.

By the time he returned Sirius was already snoring softly, sprawled diagonally on the bed, his right arm above his head and the left stretched sideways. His legs were spread, tangled in the white duvet. Harry leaned on the doorframe, and watched how his chest rose and fell with every breath. So alive, so beautiful.

"Would you look at those biceps; don't you just wanna eat him?" a husky voice whispered behind him.

Harry span around, wand in hand.

"Oh please, don't you point that thing at me," Ann said irritably and pushed the wand away with one pink nailed finger.

"What do you want?"

"Him," the god said simply and glanced at Sirius.

Harry stood before him, blocking his way to the bed. "You can't! We had a deal, I gave you Dudley," he hissed through clenched teeth.

"Unfortunately, back then I wasn't informed you were some kind of a vital force in the fate of the world. Granting you a wish broke the Balance," Ann explained.

"This is about Voldemort?" Harry was trying not to scream. "It's not fair! It has nothing to do with him or that stupid war, it's about me and Sirius."

"I'm sorry pumpkin, but in a case like yours, I can't aid just one side, I'm neutral. If I help you, I must help Mr Riddle as well. Or undo our deal." Ann glanced at Sirius again, over Harry's head. "Don't worry, I'll take good care of Mr gorgeous here," he licked his lips.

"No! You can't have him, I won't let you!" Harry raised his wand again. "I don't care what you do, give Voldemort whatever he wants, just please don't take him away from me again," he begged. He was shaking and it felt like someone grabbed his heart and squeezed. He could not lose Sirius, not again, not ever. Even if it meant letting Voldemort have his wish.

The dog-faced god was disappointed. "Are you sure? Are you ready to give up the whole mortal world for the life of one man?"

Harry gulped. "Yes," he answered quietly. If Sirius ever found out, he would be so mad at him...

"As you wish," the god said.

The next moment Harry felt like he was drowning in sand and realised it was Ann, who walked right through him and over to the bed.

The god watched as Sirius slept. He laid one manicured hand lightly over his ridiculous golden bra and sighed sadly. "Goodbye my pretty one," he said, blew Sirius a kiss, and disappeared.

Harry covered his face with his hands. "Bugger."

1998 May 27

They used Muggle transportation to get to London, and rented a room for the day in a small hotel ten minutes away from the Heathrow airport. Harry showed Sirius how to work the telephone so he could order room service and how to change channels in the telly, and went to order their flight tickets, leaving Sirius gaping at the screen.

It was only when the woman asked for his desired destination that Harry remembered the forged papers he made for Sirius were invalid - Sirius was a lot younger now than the picture and the date of birth indicated. He decided to get back to the hotel and consult Sirius whether using his wand to transform the details would be safe enough and would not get them found.

When he returned, something caused him to halt in front of their room. There were voices. He took out his wand. Familiar voices. He attached his ear to the door and listened. Sirius was talking to... Remus Lupin!

"...still can't believe you're back, I thought you were dead." Lupin's stunned voice.

"I was. I told you - Harry did it." Sirius.

"We must inform Dumbledore, he is worried about him," Lupin said and Harry began to panic. They were found, all their planes were ruined...

"No, Harry doesn't want to be found. He deserves his freedom, and I more than anyone knows how important a man's freedom is," Sirius insisted.

"But - "

"No Moony. And it's not why I called you here, this is about us. I missed you," Sirius lowered his voice, but Harry heard him anyway. There was a strange pang in his heart.

"I missed you too." Harry was getting nauseated.

"Then prove it," Sirius said hoarsely and the next moment there was a loud moan that sounded suspiciously like a wolf's howl. Harry nearly snapped his wand in rage.

"No, Sirius, stop," Lupin panted. "I can't, look at you, you are a child."

"Am not! It's just the body, it's still me inside," Sirius argued.

"I'm sorry, I can't, it's wrong. I'm nearly forty and you're just a teenager - "

Sirius interrupted with a loud snort. "As if you hadn't shagged me when I was eighteen..." Harry's eyes bulged out so much they nearly fell off.

"It's completely irrelevant. What's more important now is that you two come back to Hogwarts. Harry still has NEWTs to do, and the Order - "

Sirius cut him off again. "NEWTs!? The Order!? I'm back from the dead and all you care about is Harry NEWTs?"

"Education is important..." Remus said weakly. "And of course I'm glad you're back, it's just a little hard to comprehend." There was a gasp and a groan. "Sirius! I said no. You can't just grope me like that!" he yelled.

"You never complained before!" Sirius yelled back. "I thought you loved me..."

Okay, that's it!

Harry nearly kicked the door down on his way in.

"Harry, there you are, we were so worried!" Lupin got up and walked towards him with his arms open wide, but Harry dodged him and came to stand in front of Sirius, glaring.

He wanted to be angry, he really did. But Sirius was sitting hunched on the bad, his elbows on his knees and his face in his palms. Harry had never seen him like that, so... resigned. He turned to glare at Lupin instead.

"Harry," Lupin said softly, "don't you want to come back to Hogwarts? I'm sure Ron and Hermione miss you."

"We're staying here," Harry said firmly. "And you are leaving." He walked to the door and held it open in indication.

Lupin sighed. "Alright. Goodbye Sirius," he petted his shoulder. "Harry," he nodded at him and left.

There was no doubt in Harry's mind that if he would not do something, they would soon be found. His mind was spinning trying to find solutions, but he kept coming to the same option - he must kill Remus Lupin. There was no other way...

He followed him out and closed the door, and checked that there were no other people in the hotel's hallway. He could see the point of Lupin's wand poking underneath his jacked. He knew he could not use his own wand, or they would be tracked.

"Remus!" he called. He ran up to him and Remus turned. "I missed you," Harry lied and hugged him, quickly stealing his wand.

"Thank you for bringing him back," was whispered in his hear and all of Harry's certainty vanished. That man suffered the last two years just as he did, he was his father's friend, the one who taught him how to fight Dementors... He was like an uncle - the good kind, not the Vernon kind. How could Harry kill him? He suddenly noticed Remus was still mumbling, "...thought I would only get to see him in my memories..."

Memories! Why had not he thought of that? He pushed out of the embrace. "Stupefy!" A bolt of red light shot out of the stolen wand and hit its rightful owner who fell to the floor, unconscious. "Obliviate!" he modified Remus's memory so he would not remember anything that happened to him since that morning. Then he remembered - the papers! He took them out of his pocket and changed Sirius's photo and birth year. At least that problem was solved.

Harry cast Mobilicorpus, and Remus's body lifted off the ground as if held by unseen ropes. He covered him with the Invisibility Cloak he always carried in his school bag, and levitated him carefully to an alley a few streets away so there would not be any tracks leading to this hotel.

Harry left Remus there, and ran.

TBC