Harry Potter Histories: Lily Evans and the Wolfsbane Secret

Chapter Three - The Great Tom Riddle

Lily felt increasingly uneasy as the train pulled away from Platform 9 ¾. The bright Hogwarts crest on the seatback behind her made her feel slightly better, knowing she was going back to the school. But is it the same school I remembered?

So much seemed wrong. Not dramatically different, but just slightly off somehow. The fact that owls would no longer fly from Hogwarts was by itself something odd, but now it seemed like a premonition of some calamity. She had read enough books to understand that animals had a strange magic all to their own, an ability to recognize approaching danger.

And there's something in the woods, something bad enough that a special wizard has been appointed to hunt it. That news was also unsettling to her. While the forest was normally forbidden to students, the rule was rarely followed and even more rarely enforced. As Head Girl, she would have to be extra-diligent.

Especially, she reflected glumly, since James isn't likely to be much help with rule-breakers. Although she hated to admit it, he had the magical talent and commanded enough respect to deserve the position of Head Boy. The only question was whether he could ever do his job properly.

Of course, she didn't want to think too much about James Potter. For he more than anything else was one of those things that had changed slightly. Not completely, just a little bit. She had sensed it when he had visited her over the summer, something different in his demeanor, although she couldn't quite put a finger on what it was.

She shuddered. It almost felt pleasant to be around him. She tried to shut that train of thought down as quickly as it came. No doubt Alice would be beside herself to hear it. Not to mention what Magwyn Dunter or Jennifer Bones would say. "We knew it! Finally--"

And there was that word again, 'finally.' It had not exactly been a surprise when Alice had said it, but it still disturbed her. Do they really all expect me to end up with James? she wondered.

She never got a chance to finish her thoughts. No sooner had she and Alice picked a cabin then Magwyn and Jennifer found them. Gwyn and Jen were both Quidditch players, Chasers for their respective Houses. She was happy to see her friends and eager to hear about their summers.

But the first thing out of Gwyn's mouth was, "Lily! Congrats on the Head-Girl-ship, but you know you have to sit in the front cabin now."

"What?" She had completely forgotten that the Head Boy and Head Girl rode together in a separate cabin at the front of the train.

"Yeah, some good, ehm, alone time you can spend getting your agendas together. Choosing how to rule the school." Gwyn grinned wickedly and Jennifer blushed slightly as they took their seats.

Lily scowled. "Very funny, Gwyn."

"Oh, do tell James 'Hello' for us," she called out as Lily left the car and began trooping up to the front passage.

All hopes that James had chosen to break the rules (hardly unexpected for him) and sit with his friends in their customary cabin were dashed when she pulled open the door and discovered him lounging across one of the benches.

"Evans, never thought you'd get here. I almost wondered whether you'd missed the train. Would have been the first time in Hogwarts history that Head Girl had to show up late--"

"Har har. Funny, Potter." She sat down across from him and scanned the cover of the magazine he was reading.

"Witch Weekly?! Are you serious?"

"I just found it on the seat," he said. "And without the joy of your company I got a bit lonely and decided to read a bit."

Lily thought about cracking a joke about how, with Sirius learning how to tell time and his learning how to read, the two of them had had quite a summer. But for some reason she suppressed that desire.

He put the magazine aside and gave her a curious once-over. "So, how was the rest of your summer?"

She shrugged noncommittally. "Worse than yours was, I'm sure."

"Oh," he said. "Hopefully your sister forgot about that little bit of unpleasantness? I meant to tell her I was sorry but she never--"

"Be glad you didn't waste your breath. My parents weren't lying when they said she hates magic, she hasn't really talked to me since--" Lily suddenly stopped. Why had she just said that?

"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't really realize that's how it was."

"Not your problem," she said shortly.

"Do you--do you want to talk about it?" His voice was strained.

"Not really."

"It's just--I mean, I understand," he said. How can you? her temper flared.

"I mean," he went on. "I've seen how Sirius gets treated by his family, sometimes. His brother, Regulus, you know, in Slytherin. He doesn't ever really let people see it bothers him, but I can tell it hurts. I mean, it's his brother, how could it not?"

Lily was shocked when he reached over and touched her hand gently. "So I really am sorry. I'm not just saying it. If I had a Time-Turner I'd go back and give myself a good whack on the head, it was a really stupid thing to do--"

Her expression softened. "No, it's really not your fault. Petunia--she'll just never be used to that, but it's a prejudice. You shouldn't have to apologize for it."

She stared out the window and watched the fog roll by. Soon enough they'd be out of the city, and then it would clear up and show the green valleys that she remembered so well. They sat in silence for some time.

"My grandparents live around here," he said suddenly. Lily's head jerked back from the rich meadows, glimmering with gold as the sunlight struck the dew.

"Really?"

He nodded. "I mean, my family lives in London. But the folks have a farm out here. They raise sheep, cattle, chicken, some turkeys. The Muggle way, it's kind of seen as an oddity amongst the rest of the family."

She laughed. "Muggle meat."

He laughed as well. "Exactly. It actually gets really good prices. Restaurants like it, you know. They like saying, "No magical additives," so it feels like something most wizards and witches feel like they couldn't cook up at home. 'Au naturel' and all that."

"So they don't use magic?"

"Not for that part, at least," he said. "I mean, it's not like my Gramps is on his knees scrubbing dirt off the kitchen floor." He chuckled. "That would be a sight."

They fell silent again, and Lily took the time to inspect him. His jaw was set quite firmly, she noted. Again she had the impression that he was slightly nervous. His shoulders seemed somewhat stiff, although his lean frame appeared relaxed when he leaned back into his seat.

"There's something different about you," she mused.

"Is there?"

"A little something. I'm not sure what it is yet."

"I hope it's a good thing."

"Not sure of that, either." Because his expression seemed so crestfallen, she added, "I'm pretty sure it's not bad, though."

The quiet between them grew more and more oppressive by the minute. Finally he spoke.

"I'm trying to change, you know."

"James Potter? Trying to change? That's impossible!"

He looked vaguely offended, and asked, "Why?" There was a defiant air to his eyes.

"Because the James Potter I thought I knew could most definitely be described by one word."

She grinned. "Incorrigible."

Even he had to laugh at that. "Yes, well everything has to change sooner or later, no?"

"That's good to hear," she said. Although when she observed the way his eyes peered into hers, she knew that some things, at least, definitely had not changed one bit.

"I know you must be wondering."

"Wondering what?"

"Why Dumbledore made me Head Boy."

Truth be told, Lily had wondered about it a time or two. Most often when she was thinking how she would possibly maintain discipline in the school with him as her back-up.

"Like most things," he said, "There's a bit of a story behind it. If you want to hear it."

She leaned forward, and he went on. "So at the end of last term, Dumbledore called me up to his rooms. Password is Limey Licorice, by the way, or at least it was when we left school. He sat me down and said he wanted to talk to me.

He started talking about the Head Boy and Head Girl for next year. I told him I thought Remus and you would make a good duo--"

She scoffed, "And not yourself?"

"No, seriously," he said, wounded. "I mean, it made perfect sense for it to be you, you're talented, you have the kind of magical ability, I don't know if anyone in the school can say they have more. But you're also kind, you help others, you're not selfish--" He tailed off awkwardly. Lily looked down at her feet, suddenly feeling a prickling sensation all over her skin.

"And I mean, I won't lie, I thought about myself for Head Boy. But when I thought about it, I couldn't really say for sure why it should be. I mean, Sirius is just as talented as me, and maybe more. He can do some magic it would take me years to learn. Remus is at least as good, and he's a better man than me. There are--certain reasons, certain difficulties I know about that you don't, that he's had to overcome--"

"His mother, you mean? I know she's very sick, it must be hard on him."

"I just, I couldn't really see why it should be me. I knew there were better people, and particularly for that job--"

Lily scrutinized his expression. His face seemed perfectly sincere, and his voice was filled with an odd emotion that she hadn't heard from him before.

"Remus deserved it more than I did, more than I ever could. You have to believe me, he's my friend, practically like a brother to me. I love him too much to lie about these things." There was something fierce in his voice when he said that, a surety that she had once attributed to his arrogance.

Finally she said, "I believe you."

"Anyways, that's what I told Dumbledore. And he kind of puts his hand to his chin and looks like he's thinking about it, then he says, 'I'd like to show you something.' Have you ever seen a Pensieve?"

She shook her head, so he explained what it did.

"In any case, he wanted to show me a memory of his. It was of a past Head Boy, one who since has gone on to be a great wizard. A great wizard, but a terrible, evil one." James shuddered, and Lily started when she knew who he was talking about.

"Him?"

"He was Head Boy at Hogwarts, did you know that?" She hadn't, it came as a quite a shock.

"Dumbledore showed me some stuff he remembered from that time, and the more I saw the more I realized that he was like me. He was good, but he was so confident, so sure of himself. And the more I saw the more I realized that he was exactly like me."

Half of her wanted to scream, Finally, you realized it, what I've been saying all these years. You're arrogant, a bully, you think too much of yourself, that kind of stuff always leads you down the path to the Dark Arts. But another half of her saw the flecks of light trembling in his eyes, watched with a surreal fascination as he turned his head away, and wanted to enfold him in her arms and tell him everything was alright.

"Finally Dumbledore lets me out. And I sit there, completely stunned. I can't say anything. And then he says, 'Well, what do you think?' And I don't know, I can hardly think. I keep thinking, I don't deserve it at all. Look at him, he was just like me, look what he became. All I can say is, 'I never knew.'

He nods and then says at last, 'I have a mind to make you Head Boy.' By now I'm really confused, I can't understand why he would do that. How could he do that, after he just showed me the reason why I didn't deserve it at all?"

Lily stared at him. Never in all the time they had known each other had she ever actually had a real conversation with him. It was generally just antagonistic banter. Truthfully, she hadn't even thought it would be possible to truly talk to James Potter.

"And he says, 'I think you've finally realized that sometimes goodness matters as much as greatness in a man. And sometimes a good deal more.' And it was...it was like, I realized that all these years at school I've wanted to be the best, I wanted to write my name in the history books as a great wizard, I wanted the kind of power that other wizards could only dream of attaining." His expression twisted into an anguished snarl. "He probably had the same fantasies."

She didn't know what to say, and after a long pause he started up again.

"I told him I didn't deserve it, that this was all the more reason Remus should be Head Boy. He only said he'd think it over. And a month later he was standing on my doorstep with that badge in his hand."

James smiled bitterly. "So that's the answer to the question, Evans. All of them. It's why I became Head Boy, it's probably why you feel like I've changed. Because Dumbledore wanted to teach me a lesson. Wanted to show me that you've been right all these years, and I've been wrong." He gazed intently into her eyes, and then dropped down to look at the floor.

"You can start laughing at me now," he finished, his head bowed.

A dozen conflicting desires arose inside her. A large part of her felt vindicated and triumphant. However, it felt as if an equally great part of her felt ashamed of those emotions, and another part of her felt an onrush of sympathy and understanding for the boy sitting across from her, who looked so defeated.

Her hand trembled as she reached across the space between them. She wasn't sure what she meant to do until her fingers cupped his cheek gently. He head shot up, surprise written on his face.

"I'm not going to laugh at you, James. You're--" The words were out of her before she realized she had said them. "You're being too hard on yourself."

He didn't say anything for what seemed like ages. When he finally spoke she could hardly hear what he said, so soft was his whispered thanks.