Project Potter

Project Potter

Chapter Four

Ron's Treatise on Clichés

Ron loved good fiction - but became purple with annoyance when a plot device got worked to death. His biggest pet peeve was clichés; and he would slam a book down and stomp around in irritation when he felt his intelligence was being insulted.

Unfortunately, he could not do this with the laptop from the Project! Instead, he had magicked a little electronic wand that he could click with the mouse pointer. He would aim it at the author's name and shoot off a little projectile of pixels that would explode the name in a flash of sparks! It wasn't as dramatic as slamming down a book, but it still gave him some feeling of satisfaction.

Ron wanted to use a clever pseudonym for his chapter: Rowan Ermine. (The ermine is the name given to the weasel when it is in its white winter coat.) But Hermione and Harry convinced him to use a more average name. He chose Rob Wilson, which was still close enough to his own name to be clear to those who knew, but "average" enough to be unobtrusive.

He constructed his lists with terrific relish, often shouting out, "Aha!" and "Gotcha!" Harry thought he was being a bit like a crusader, but decided to keep his peace and let Ron have his fun.

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Every Trick In The Book:

My List of Hackneyed Throw-Away Harry Clichés

(from HP canon and fanfiction)

By Rob Wilson

In the Classical Greek Theatre, there was a device called "Deus ex Machina," literally "God out of the machine." When a situation was too difficult for any hero to fix, Hey presto! A god would pop out and create miracles and everything would be fine again. Even those Greeks who still believed in those gods grew tired of the device; it became clear that this was lazy playwriting. The same applies to clichés in literature: if you've painted yourself into a corner, then maybe you are better off starting over and using things like "plot" and "story" and "character development" to rescue you from the corner instead of yet another levitation charm.

There's no limit to the new situations the same three people can get into. So why keep dragging them into the same tired situations? Eternal recurrence is one of the definitions of hell; if you were one of your characters, you'd want something new to happen in your life too! Too many predictable situations turns your characters into stick figures or puppets. Real life flows, is unpredictable and often messy; the more your characters deal with original realities, the more your readers will enjoy and recommend your work.

I list these clichés with some trepidation, because I know some will use them as a "treasure trove" to recycle. I wouldn't say "never" use these ideas; after all, some of them originate with JKR herself, and some come from some very clever, original and even brilliant fanfics. Indeed, some of these cliché situations could be rewritten in a new twist that would produce a delightful surprise. But where some were clever the first time, and amusingly familiar the second or third time - they turn magically into three-day-old fish after that; and they start to stink about as much.

Just tread lightly and remember that if it's not only unoriginal but also overdone, it can quickly become tiresome, even infuriating. Three-year-olds want their stories to be the same every time, and become upset when they aren't. But as we grow, we learn to accept change, and even look for new ideas as a good thing. Just remember that if these ideas are already worked to death, and if you can't put some new "spin" on them, you're better off going back and rewriting, or opening your mind and heart till an original idea fills it.

There is no limit to the creative imagination; it's the nearest thing to magic most people have. Better a simple original idea that comes from the heart, than a mere reworking of someone else's flashy plot device.

Situations:

Harry is alone and misunderstood - abandoned and hated by the whole school.

Someone you'd least suspect turns out to be in league with the bad guys.

Harry does something both noble and stupid at the same time.

Harry counts off the seconds to his birthday (5, 4, 3, 2, 1) when BAM! Five owls arrive with letters and gifts; or, Harry disappears.

A girl is nice to Harry, and he becomes dumbstruck.

Magic folk meet Harry, and immediately flick their eyes to his scar.

Harry visits Hogsmeade, and overhears something crucial in the Three Broomsticks.

Harry goes flying to clear his mind.

Harry plays a Quidditch game; someone does something sneaky and underhanded - but Harry wins anyway.

Harry decides to pull away from his best friends, so they won't be in danger - but it's too late.

An American female transfer student comes to Hogwarts, and she and Harry become a couple.

Harry dreams of Voldemort; wakes up with scar hurting; after some initial resistance, he writes to/goes to Dumbledore.

Harry repeatedly dreams of/relives the "Kill the Spare" incident; gets increasingly depressed and angst-ridden; blames himself for Cedric's death.

Harry discovers an ancient prophecy that proves he is destined to vanquish Voldemort.

Harry discovers a new power.

Harry demonstrates a new power to his friends/teachers, and they faint - repeatedly.

Harry discovers a spell that will hide his "magical signature," so he can practice magic outside school without getting in trouble.

Harry uses accidental magic outside school to defend himself, and gets warned/punished - forgetting that self-defense is a valid excuse.

Harry runs off yet another dark creature with his impressive Patronus.

Harry encounters yet another wizarding custom that is quaint, medieval and a little ridiculous.

Wizarding law and bureaucracy turn out to be even more draconian / arbitrary than the Muggles'.

Harry becomes a magical animagus (phoenix, unicorn, dragon, etc.) that proves how powerful he really is.

All the founders and Merlin visit Harry in the middle of the night on his birthday to awaken his powers; he grows a foot taller and long hair, and his eyes start glowing.

Harry is taken to Mt. Phoenix/the Past/a secret castle/another dimension/the land of the elves; and trained to be an elemental / War Mage / Lord of Light / Phoenix Lord / Elf / shapeshifter; he is now the most powerful magician in history.

Harry discovers that the Dursleys have been handsomely paid by Dumbledore to keep him - and so now he blackmails them.

Harry turns out to be vastly richer than he thought - but he doesn't want it.

Harry plays chess with Ron, losing spectacularly but cheerfully.

Harry hears Ron complain about poverty, wishes he could share his fortune, but says nothing because he knows Ron is too proud to accept his help.

Voldemort makes a deal with the dementors; they deliver him his followers, and he gives them Karkaroff and some Muggles.

Voldemort has Harry in his clutches - but rather than kill him outright, he gloats. Naturally, this gives Harry time to plan an escape.

Relatives:

Uncle Vernon threatens ineffectually; champions false values.

Aunt Petunia is a hypocrite who spies on the neighbors.

Petunia screams at Harry to wake up, and go downstairs to cook Dudley's breakfast.

Dudley is compared to a "baby killer whale."

Dudley's appetite proves his undoing.

Dudley throws a tantrum, breaks a toy; his parents appease him.

Aunt Marge visits and is impossibly abusive; the family keeps up the ruse of St. Brutus' Secure Center.

Lily and James argue / hate each other, but unaccountably fall in love.

Friends:

Hermione goes into a tizzy over how much studying they need to do.

Hermione slaps Draco; Ron and Harry are impressed.

Ron calls somebody mental.

Ron is asked to become a great strategist because he is so good at chess.

Ron exhibits astounding ignorance over something very ordinary in the Muggle world.

Ron holds out hope that the Chudley Cannons (last in the league) will suddenly turn winners.

Ron & Hermione love each other, but can't admit it; Harry contrives a way to bring them together.

Ron & Hermione quarrel; Harry says they sound like a married couple; they blush.

The twins plan a clever prank; flash an evil grin.

The twins discover that Sirius and Remus are Padfoot and Moony; beg to be apprenticed.

Molly Weasley is stern to the twins one second, and solicitous of Harry the next.

Molly lectures the kids to "behave this year" as they're about to depart on the train.

Molly sends Harry a Weasley sweater and homemade fudge for Christmas.

Arthur Weasley shows an inordinate and inappropriate fascination with a very ordinary Muggle product, and is glared at by Molly.

Arthur steps aside, to prove again that Molly wears the pants.

Percy is pompous and driven; he plays kiss-ass to a superior.

Bill is cool and a babe-magnet.

Ginny gulps and turns bright red with embarrassment.

Staff:

Dumbledore twinkles obliquely.

McGonagall is stern but fair.

Snape harasses Harry grotesquely and unfairly.

Hagrid drinks a little too much, and accidentally reveals a secret.

Hagrid's class, and some "harmless" monster attacks a student - oops!

"Professor Lupin! What are you doing here?"

"Call me Remus; I'm not your professor any more."

Trelawney predicts Harry's imminent demise.

"I wonder who's teaching DADA this year?" (Hope it's not Snape!)

Prof. Binns drones on, putting the class to sleep; says one relevant thing, waking them up; then puts them to sleep again.

Filch skulks around, thinks he's caught Harry - but is thwarted.

Madam Pince shrilly demands silence - even though the library is empty.

Others:

Voldemort holds an audience and tortures somebody.

Sirius almost catches Wormtail, just misses.

Lupin is wise but hapless.

Lupin looks tired and haggard.

Dumbledore or Sirius or Snape or someone has a (grand)daughter who suddenly shows up, gets sorted as a Gryffindor 5^th year, and falls in love with Harry.

Dobby gushes annoyingly.

Dobby reveals too much, and proceeds to punish himself viciously.

Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle interrupt and hassle the trio in their train compartment.

Malfoy reveals repulsive prejudice and hauteur.

Lucius does something vicious, sneaky and cruel.

Pansy's a bitch.

Crabbe and Goyle guffaw mindlessly.

Colin is swept away in a paroxysm of hero-worship.

Colin takes photos at an embarrassing moment.

Lee Jordan does very biased Quidditch announcing, then apologizes to McGonagall.

Cho Chang either erupts in tears, or blames Harry for Cedric.

Lavender and Parvati idolize Trelawney; act giddy.

Neville is either clumsy, or far more inept than his classmates.

Neville loses Trevor, his toad.

Rita Skeeter lies, exaggerates and misinterprets - embarrasses Harry before all wizarding Britain.

Fudge acts the slimy politician, while denying what's before his very nose.

Stan Shunpike still calls Harry Neville.

Mr. Ollivander is manic and a bit spooky.

Old Tom grins toothlessly.

Viktor is surly and scowls.

Mrs. Figg is revealed to be a powerful witch/auror/member of the old crowd/Harry's godmother.

The house-elves are scandalized by attempts to treat them decently.

Slytherins are conniving; Gryffindors headstrong; Hufflepuffs naive; Ravenclaws aloof.

A centaur makes an obtuse astrological pronouncement.

A goblin is humorless, mercenary and a bit sinister.

N. H. Nick acts petulant and morose over failing to join the headless hunt once again.

The ghoul in the attic at the Burrow rattles its chains.

Animals:

Hedwig bites Harry's finger or ear affectionately before carrying off a letter.

Pigwidgeon flies around the room hooting madly instead of just delivering his letter.

Errol collapses in an exhausted ruffled heap upon delivering a letter.

Fang licks Ron's ears.

Buckbeak glares, is bowed to, and bows back.

The giant squid floats lazily in the lake, waving a tentacle.

A snake befriends Harry, and lets itself become a new pet.

Things:

A house/car is larger inside than outside.

A mirror is snide, or offers fashion / makeup tips.

A trunk has multiple keys/compartments for the same space.

Staircases shift, and walls pretend to be doors.

A piece of parchment turns out to be enchanted, with special abilities.

Wild Conjecture (some attractive crazy ideas someone ought to use):

Someone discovers they are magical later in life - and it turns out to be... Vernon!

Fudge grants a radio interview to convince the public that Voldemort has not returned. The interviewer turns out to be - Voldemort!

Voldemort is about to destroy Harry, when he picks up - one of Fred and George's trick wands!

Harry invents a "rebounding" spell - any violence or curse aimed at him, returns to the sender!

The twins prank Malfoy to talk like Tweety Pie, and Snape to talk like Elmer Fudd!

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Arthur was all smiles when he read Ron's chapter. He had a few minor suggestions, but mainly he kept saying "That's my boy!" Ron was predictably pink-eared.

Ron was a little nervous when Harry read his chapter. "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you with all this stuff, Harry. If it were me, I'd be a bit sore to have all this said about me."

Harry was typically generous: "I don't blame you in the slightest, Ron. You're the messenger, not the perpetrator. You just told it like it is. And I've developed a much thicker skin since the days of Rita Skeeter. Besides, who says I didn't grow a foot taller overnight, and get glowing eyes?" Both young men snickered. "Anyway, whenever did you hear about Tweety Pie and Elmer Fudd?"

"To tell you the truth, Harry, one of the nicest things about the Project's electronics and media center is the cable TV connection. I've become a bit of a cartoon addict in my spare time. I think it's one of the most magical things the Muggles do!" Harry nodded. "I didn't want to mention it, because I'm supposed to be this chess-playing geek who is oblivious to the Muggle world. But, hey, we're all about puncturing stereotypes now, eh?"

"I suppose so, Ron. I particularly liked your wild conjectures at the end. Now, here's my contribution to make one of them even wilder: Let's say that every wizarding home and office has a glass case near the entrance that has a wand in it; and it has lettering on it that reads "In case of Voldemort, break glass." When you do, and grab the wand, Voldemort uses the Expelliarmus curse on you to disarm you, and then tries using the emergency wand against you. And THEN it turns into a Rubber Chicken Portkey!"

Ron giggled for a while. "I can think of three or four things wrong with that idea logically - but it doesn't matter, I'm crazy about the image in my head! Thanks for the chuckle!"