Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Parody Ficlet #10

"Okay - So I LAID an egg!"

Harry was puzzled when Mabel, his new pet phoenix, began gathering scraps of straw and parchment; but he was delighted when he saw a little golden egg amidst the scraps. It was apparent that Mabel was expecting a phoenix chick - a very rare event. "I wonder if Fawkes will be handing out unburnable cigars!" Harry thought.

After nesting for two weeks, Mabel began to sing her beautiful phoenix song continuously, and all the kids in Gryffindor tower started dropping by to hear it, as it gave them such pleasure. Suddenly, though, on a Sunday evening, she stopped abruptly. Harry and Ron heard a crunching sound, and Harry pushed aside some of Mabel's belly-feathers and saw a scrawny little chick, wobbling its head around, huddled in the nest surrounded by broken eggshells.

"Nice work, girl!" Harry smiled at Mabel, stroking her head, and she closed her eyes and trilled softly. "Hey, Ron, what does a mother phoenix feed her chick?"

"Haven't a clue," said Ron, "why don't you ask Hermione or Hagrid?"

"Good idea," said Harry. As Hermione was closer, he went down to the common room. "Oi, Hermione, Mabel's chick has hatched! What does it need for food?"

"That's great, Harry, I'll come see it shortly, after I look something up," Hermione replied. She ran up the girls' staircase, and came back down carrying a book. "It says here that phoenixes don't need to forage to feed their young. Come on, I'll show you." With that, she ascended the boys' staircase to Harry and Ron's dorm, Harry following behind her.

Hermione walked over to Mabel, smiled and scratched her head; Mabel warbled a friendly greeting. Then she reached under Mabel, and pushed aside her belly feathers. "Not really a cute chick," she said, "but it'll be beautiful shortly when it's feathers grow in. Now, look here, Harry. See this little ridge on her belly, just forward of her tail?" Harry knelt down beside her to see. "Phoenixes are the only bird that has a kind of mammary gland. They produce a rich substance very much like mammals' milk, so they don't need to forage for their chicks!"

"You don't mean -" Harry paused for effect, winking at Hermione - "that this is -

The UDDER of the Phoenix?!"

Ron looked up, turning red. Sputtering, he ran for the door, yelling, "Aaaaaaah!"

Harry smirked at Hermione, and said, "Stop me before I pun again!"

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Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Parody Ficlet #11

On the High Seas

Captain McPhee of HMS Phoenix was burstingly proud of his vessel.

"Aye, mateys, she's the fastest ship, magical or muggle, in the world! When the magical generators are fully charged, she can reach 120 knots! But they're tricky, and when they're down we have to rely on diesel turbines."

"Oh, and how fast can they go?" asked Hermione, enjoying the breeze and salt spray.

"Well, when both are running we can skim along at nearly 40 knots. If one is down, perhaps 25-30. But if both are down, we have to hoist the sails."

"Really!" said Ron, his robes whipping in the wind. And what's her speed under sail?"

"Never more'n 18 knots," the captain frowned. "And if she's becalmed, there's only one thing left to do."

"What's that?" asked Harry, standing nimbly on the rolling deck with Mabel perched on his shoulder.

"The Phoenix has 20 little holes from fore to aft, on both sides. If we're becalmed, and all other forms of locomotion have failed us, we have these long oars. We then have to call upon all our crew and passengers to pitch in until we can find a breeze. With two on each oar, 80 men rowing, we can get up to four or five knots."

"I don't see any holes," said Harry, looking down the starboard side.

"Well, lad, we only open 'em when we need 'em! They're covered by little doors that stay latched. When we have to use 'em, we unlatch 'em and open the door and stick out the oar."

"Ah, I see!" Said Harry, winking at Hermione. And do you call one of these ...

The Oar-Door of the Phoenix?"

"No... no... NOOOOOO!" Ron screamed, and jumped overboard.

Lucky the captain had his wand handy! He levitated Ron before he could hit the water, and mobilicorpused him right into sick bay. "Lousy landlubbers," he muttered, shaking his head.

END