Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

(a series of parody ficlets based on the proposed title of the upcoming fifth book)

V.

Harry was waiting in Dumbledore's office for the headmaster's return. He'd had enough excitement before for touching things in here, like Dumbledore's pensieve; so he just sat quietly and thought about what Dumbledore might want to tell him. Perhaps he had news from his godfather.

Harry's reverie was jarred by the sudden sweet sound of phoenix-song. Looking over to the window, he saw Fawkes with his beak open, and his great tail all ruffled up. "Hello, Fawkes!" Harry smiled. The phoenix flapped its great wings a few times, then took flight and landed on Harry's leg.

To Harry's great surprise, the phoenix began to sniff between the boy's legs. This got the bird excited, and it began hopping up and down on Harry's leg. Not knowing what this was all about, Harry jumped up suddenly - but Fawkes continued to grip Harry's robes and knee, and his talons were getting a little painful. The phoenix began bobbing his whole great body up and down, like he was doing push-ups.

Just then, Fawkes cried out with a piercing shriek, quite unlike the lovely phoenix song Harry was used to. To his shock and mortification, Harry noticed a pearly-white liquid on his robes. He peeled his robes off his body, and laid them out on Dumbledore's desk, with Fawkes still gripping them.

Dumbledore walked in, and Harry turned a bright red. "Professor! Fawkes landed on my knee - and, well, he seemed to get excited, and started to squawk -"

Dumbledore smiled bashfully, and said, "You don't have to be apologetic, Harry; I should be the one to say I'm sorry! You see, twice a year, phoenixes go into heat. This is one of those times for Fawkes, and if he were with a female we should have tried to mate him. As it is, though, a rutting male phoenix tends to be a lot like a dog: he'll hump pretty much anything that moves."

Harry got a bit irritated. "How was I to know this? I'd have never let him land on me if I'd had a way of knowing."

"Ah, but there was a way, dear boy!" said Dumbledore. Your magical creatures text has a lot to say on phoenixes. Towards the end of the chapter? It's known as

"The Ardor of the Phoenix."

"That's as may be," said Harry. But in the meantime, would you mind awfully paying for the dry cleaning of my robes?"

"Not at all," said Dumbledore, with a proper mixture of remorse and amusement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

VI.

A month later, Harry was in Dumbledore's office again. The Headmaster was busy talking to someone on the fireplace, and Harry's eyes were drawn to Fawkes the phoenix, sitting on his perch and preening his beautiful feathers.

Harry walked quietly over to Fawkes, and reached out his hand to stroke the bird. But suddenly, Fawkes let out a loud cry, and made to peck at Harry's hand, which he quickly withdrew. Again the bird began preening, ignoring Harry.

Hoping this was just an aberration, Harry reached out again. This time, Fawkes did peck his hand, though he drew no blood; then the bird flew off to the corner of the room, landing on the back of a chair, and turned to display his tail at Harry, and stretch his long neck upwards.

Dumbledore was still preoccupied with his business. But Harry noticed that the magical creatures text was open on the desk, to the chapter on Phoenixes. Flipping again to the back of the chapter, he read:

"About one month after every heat or rut, Phoenixes become haughty, irritable and unapproachable. This only lasts a few days, and is known to breeders as

"The Hauteur of the Phoenix."

"Crikey," mumbled Harry, "sounds like bloody Aunt Petunia - only she's like that every month."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

VII.

Harry had taken the disappearance of his snowy owl, Hedwig, quite hard. She had flown off in early October. Now it was nearly Christmas, and there was no sign of her. Ron and Hermione had consulted with Sirius and Hagrid; together they were planning on buying Harry a worthy bird as a Christmas present to take Hedwig's place.

Looking through the catalog from Eeyelop's Owl Emporium, Ron looked up at Hagrid with a start. "I thought these blokes just carried owls; but it says here you can order crows, ravens, falcons, vultures, condors, fwoopers - and even phoenixes!"

"Oh, aye," said Hagrid, excitedly. "They don't stock the more exotic birds, but they're available fer special orders. A good phoenix is like ter set yeh back about twice what an owl costs. The red and gold and the solid gold are common enough. All phoenixes are very loyal pets, and can carry mail like an owl, and a good deal more. But the silver phoenix is quite rare, and costs about a quarter more. They can fly invisibly, which makes them even stealthier than owls; and o' course, a phoenix can carry very heavy loads."

"Well, this is Harry we're talking about!" said Ron. He'd do anything for us; I'd like for us to get something really special for him."

"Then it's agreed," said Hermione. "We'll spring for the special order: one silver phoenix -

The Odder of the Phoenix'."

"I knew she'd say that," groaned Ron.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

VIII.

Harry had gotten quite used to his new phoenix, which he had named Mabel. But as March approached, he began consulting library books and his magical beasts text. He remembered Fawkes' peculiar behavior the previous Fall; and as it was six months later, he was worried that the semi-annual heat might provoke unusual problems. He wanted to be ready.

"Uh-oh," Harry mumbled.

"Uh-oh, what?" Ron said, looking up from his homework.

"We're gonna have to move Mabel's perch out of here for a couple of weeks; maybe put it in the owlery. Or perhaps next to Fawkes'!" Harry snickered.

"Why? Do they start to shed, or make a racket?" asked Ron.

"It's not that - it's the smell," replied Harry, wrinkling his nose. During their heat, female phoenixes develop quite a rank pong. And we don't want to be woken up every morning to...

The Odor of the Phoenix!"

"Not again," groaned Ron, hiding his head under a pillow.