Life on the edge

Chapter 17

Hermione was curious and a bit worried; what was it that Dumbledore wanted to discuss with her? Was it something concerning her research on elemental magic, or her efforts with Severus? Slightly uneasy she made her way up to the headmaster's office. When she entered after he called her in, he was still busy with making tea. This puzzled Hermione, for Dumbledore usually just conjured up tea and other things he liked to have. But it gave her time for some silent observations. When he at last turned to her and offered her a cup she noticed his worn-out look. He appeared tired, sorrowful and, hadn't he been Dumbledore, at the edge of his nerves. Hermione took her cup and wondered what had happened. Instantly her thoughts were back on Severus and Malfoy senior... The headmaster settled into his armchair and regarded her with a serious gaze.

"I have called you because I have to fill you in with some information. It concerns Severus, and you must have this knowledge before you visit him today. Last night..."

Dumbledore paused and seemed to make up his mind how to tell her what he had to. Hermione grew cold; what had happened? Had there been, at last, an attack?

"Last night, Severus had a nightmare. You know that he had shorter nightmares and uneasy dreams during the last ten days; this one, however, has a deeper connection. He told me yesterday what he had seen and experienced during the dream, and I found that it had replayed the exact scene that gave Severus, nearly twenty years ago, the final strike to leave Voldemort and to confess to me and the Order.

In that time, Severus had already doubted Voldemort's plans and the path he had chosen, and he was repulsed by the actions that were undertaken. Nevertheless, he then was too frightened to go into action against the lot by himself; for the service to Voldemort is nothing you can quit without losing your life.

So he was damned to hold on, to endure all the scenes and actions he didn't want to commit, but which he could not prevent either. I can't tell you Severus' motivations when he joined Voldemort at first, this is a far too private matter. But Voldemort himself had a certain interest to have him in his ranks, for his ingenious potion-making skills and his brilliant strategic mind. And when Voldemort wants you, there is seldom a way besides death to escape him.

However, one day Severus received the order from his direct superior to create a potion that should make everything covered with it soluble to water. He was not told the purpose of this potion, as it was custom to know only his very own orders and nothing of the larger context. Although he suspected and feared a misuse of such a potion, he had no other choice than to create it. Of course he succeeded, and supplied his superior with a large quantity of it, as ordered. He was then quite relieved neither to hear nor to see anything else about it or why it was needed, and how it was used.

Then, nearly half a year later, he was awarded entrance into a closer circle to Voldemort - and his former superior, now equal, presented him with a kind of "welcome"-gift. In a small pensieve he had stored the memory of how he had used Severus' potion. I don't want to get into detail here, all you must know is that the superior had used it on a human, with horrible results. It became clear that the superior had abused the chain of orders for his own interests, and he had made Severus to create that potion while giving the impression that Voldemort himself had ordered it. Of course he was punished for this, but Voldemort seemed to be quite amused by the use of the potion, and no further consequences aroused.

Severus, however, had to watch the whole terrible scene in the other's memory, unable to escape until it was over. As I said, it was the final blow to him. He came to me, and in doing so put his life into my hands. I believe you know the rest of the story. After confessing everything, he pleaded me to give him a chance to pay for his guilt. He had seen no way out of his situation and his guilt, therefore he came for my help. You know the way we finally worked out."

Hermione nodded numbly. She had known about Snape's past for a while now, and of course she had mused about it. She had also suspected some kind of key-moment that had made Snape seen the madness of Voldemort's actions; but to hear it, the very reference-point of his turning, and the cause, was beyond her worst imaginations. She felt paralyzed, and didn't want to think about it too closely. Dumbledore relieved her from her imagination running wild by continuing.

"The reason why I told you all this is, of course, the appearance of Severus' nightmare. I believe, and a specialist at St. Mungos agrees with me, that it is a true sign that Severus' memory has not been lastingly damaged. This scene was his worst traumatic experience, and therefore the first, the most powerful to come back to him. I suppose it means that his memory will come back from now on. This can happen step by step or all at once, depending on how much he wants to think about and work with it.

This dream was only the first step; you ought to know that because he will change accordingly to what he remembers. And you, of course, have to react to this, especially to changes of behaviour and mood. That is, if you still want to continue your practise with Severus after what I have told you."

Hermione thought about it and questioned herself. It was horrible knowledge which Dumbledore had bestowed on her. There was no room for guessing anymore, for telling herself that Severus had been a Death Eater, yes, but had somehow managed to keep out of torture and murder, that perhaps he had only been a small number in the ranks, not really endowed with responsibility... This possibility of self-illusion was destroyed now. Would she now been able to look at him, to look into his eyes, to help him, without being terrified by her knowledge? She felt into herself. She was horrified and repulsed; but, somehow, she could not connect these feelings to her mental image or memory of Severus, neither as her teacher nor as the man who needed her help at the moment. She looked up and found Dumbledore watching her.

"I'm not sure if I can continue; I think I have to see him again to know that for sure. But I'm willing to do as much as I can for him."

Dumbledore nodded slowly and smiled; and Hermione was astonished to see so much relief in this smile. The headmaster refilled her cup.

"You know you can always come to me for help and consolation. Nobody will force you to continue against you will."

Hermione nodded again, firmly this time. Dumbledore smiled again.

"If you choose to visit Severus this evening, I have to warn you about his behaviour and reactions. He is quite in a state now, and most likely trying to scare you. Do him the favour and ignore the rantings, even if he acts the bastard. And if he becomes really insulting, tell him he can leave the hospital wing tomorrow. Poppy just told me that he can move back into his rooms, if he reports to her once a day to let her have a look at his arm."

A light twinkle was back in Dumbledore's eyes while he told her that over the rim of his teacup, and Hermione was heartily relieved by it.

Hermione did choose to visit Severus the same evening. Wondering how she should brace herself against his "rantings", she was quite on guard when she stepped into his room in the infirmary. She didn't know exactly how she had expected Severus to be, but some kind of action was certainly involved in her imagination. Therefore she became rather uncertain when she found him lying in his bed on his stomach, eyes half-opened, staring vacantly to his side into the air. She noticed his eyes being slightly swollen and red; and then she scolded herself for her naivety. As calm and neutral as Dumbledore might have told her about last night's events and background, she really could have thought about the effects such an ordeal must have on Severus. Far from being repulsed by his sight, she felt the pressing desire to comfort him, to let him know that she would not desert him on the account of his errors in the past. She moved towards him; but she had hardly reached his bed when he turned over, and faced the other side of the room. She sat down on the bed, but he shrunk away from her when she put a hand on his shoulder.

"Severus?"

Nothing.

"Severus, please."

No reply.

"Severus..."

She fell silent and began to stroke his back gently. He got rigid at once, but she continued, trying to out-silence him. After what felt like hours he resigned himself to show a reaction.

"Miksi sinä olet täällä?"

"Er..."

"Eikö Albus ole kertonut kaiken?! En tarvitse sinun sääliäsi. Häivy! Jätä minut rauhaan!"

Hermione didn't understand all of it, but she got the message. She kept stroking his back and tried to speak with him; but he would always answer her in Finnish, very rapidly (and empathically), undoubtly telling her to piss off and never come back again. He tried to frustrate her by giving her not the slightest chance to understand what he was saying or asking her. Soon enough her ears started ringing under his tirade, low-voiced at his was. She briefly contemplated simply turning him around and telling him to shut up; but she wanted to show him that she was worried about him, not angry. Soon she found a different possibility.

She kicked off her shoes and snuggled close to him, putting an arm around him and resting her hand on his chest. He nearly jumped out of the bed, but she was able to restrain him with her embrace. He looked round at her, and Hermione saw he was terrified. He seemed not to be able to believe in the possibility that Hermione might still like him, and care for him. She propped her head on her other hand and looked him square in the eye.

"Yes, Albus told me everything. And I still want to help you. I want to see you through all this mess, and you can scold and insult me in every language you like, you will not drive me away. I may not have seen the things you have; I have no idea how horrible they were, and how far you were indulged in them. But you are mistaken if you think I will hate you, or be repulsed; because for that, I care too much for you."

Severus' expression had changed from shock to desperation to something Hermione was unable to interpret. After she had finished, he stared at her blankly, but his eyes glittered. Then he cast his eyes down and turned around again, with a defeated and broken air. Hermione followed his movement and embraced him tighter, her cheek resting on his shoulder. She barely heard his words.

"Don't. I can't bear it."

She looked at him quickly and watched tears silently running down, his eyes closed. She acted intuitively. Bending over him, gently ruffling his hair, she kissed his tears away, kissed the corner of his eyes, his brow, his temple. It felt so natural to her, feeling his warm and wet skin under her lips, though it sent waves of electricity through her, concentrating tightly in her solarplexus. Severus gasped and finally turned around to her. Taking refuge to her embrace he rested his head on her neck, still crying silently. Hermione kept stroking him, and kissing him from time to time. They remained in that way a long time; finally, his tears were at an end, and they both fell into slumber.