Life on the edge

Chapter 13

Severus hadn't slept well that night. First - well, first it had not been too bad, he had dreamed of Mia, her laughter, the smile in her eyes... But then her image had benn substituted by other faces he did not know, but they weren't smiling anymore. And they weren't looking at him, either; they had just stared in the air, lifeless eyes in lifeless faces, and he shuddered when he remembered the coldness he had felt in his dream. Not only coldness, but desinterest and indifference. It had frigthened him, and it did even now. How could he have felt like that while looking in those faces? Other images and moving pictures as well had kept flashing through his mind while dreaming, scenes he didn't understood nor recognised but which frightened him. He had the feeling that those images had the power to destroy him. He had awoken covered in sweat and out of breath, but utterly cold. The coldness had burned him from within, and even now, when he only remembered the feeling, a small wave of that coldness was dwelling up and stinging into his bones. The morning had found him wrapped up in the blankets but highly awake and racking his brain about the frightening dreams. He dealry wanted to speak woth Mia, to hear her voice again, to feel her presence and her warmth. And he needed to find out what person he had been; why he was haunted by such horrible pictures and, first of all, what they meant. Severus hesitated; what if mia knew about the things that caused the nightmares? Or even worse, if she didn't know? If he talked with her about it, he maybe would scare her away? But he needed her, and he didn't want to lose her. He even missed her now, and she had barely left him ten hours ago to let him get some sleep. Perhaps he should ask Albus first. The man was much older and it appeared to Severus that he cared much for him. Severus asked himself if it was possible that Albus was his father, and he couldn't remember him? But no, Albus had told him that he had been a teacher at his school, the same school in wich infirmary he was now. But the older man cared more about him than the normal headmaster-teacher relationship provided, Severus felt that. Maybe Albus did indeed know about the reasons of his nightmares... Anyway, it seemed to be safr to ask Albus first, and then speak with Mia. Even he was afraid himself, Severus wanted Mia to know as much as possible, for he knew so few about himself. Once he had made this decision, he felt a bit of warmth coming back to his numb body. Exhausted he closed his eyes, and a few minutes later he drifted finaly into sleep again.

Dear father

Surely you have already heard the news: The betrayer has received his punishment. In the current circumstances, I have decided to let him live to suffer without memory of himself. In his condition he is no challenge for me, and I refuse to kill him without him knowing why, or even knowing me. I am sure you will understand my decision. I will take real revenge in that very moment when he knows again what he did to our Lord. Until that happens, I will let him live to frighten the friends of that old fraud Dumbledore, to show them what happens to fiends and betrayers of the Dark Lord.

Of course I will keep you informed of the ongoing affairs in this unworthy school and its inhabitants.

Your son Draco

Hermione sat nervously and excited in Dumbledore office, while the headmaster read her paper again - the fourth time, she noticed. His expression was difficult to read: He tried to remain neutral, but from time to time there were flashes of different emotions in his face. Worry, excitement, thoughtfulness, and worry again - Hermione wasn't sure, if she wanted to know what the old wizard was thinking of her; or her paper. At last Dumbledore put the parchment down and watched her carefully.

"Hermione - do you know what this is?"

She swallowed hard. "Sir?"

"I'll tell you: This is the most brilliant, most likely to be true, and most brisant and dangerous thesis in this actual reality."

Hermione hesitated; the part about the "actual reality" confused her. She waited anxiously for Dumbledore to continue.

"Hermione, I'm pretty sure you have hit the core of that most challenging mind game I told you about; and, frankly, I think that you have even found the solution. And this is why your thesis is dangerous. If the wrong people get notice of this, our war against Voldemort may be decided against us in this very moment. I have to discuss your paper with some excellent, trustworthy friends of mine, all experts in one or another field of magic... If you agree, of course."

Hermione nodded. She was still too anxious to say anything further.

"What a pity that Severus is still lost in his amnesia; I'm sure he would have to say something about this. Especially about the manifesting part of the essence, as you presume it... And I can imagine that he would know how to identify the persons needed to do this..."

Hermione startled. "Sir! Do you really think of doing this... incorporation?! You said yourself that it is dangerous! If even the thesis is that dangerous and likely to be misused, why do you think of actual making the essence?"

Dumbledore leaned forward to her: "Because I believe that you found the key to defeat Voldemort. See, according to your thesis three individual persons are needed: One who is the representation (or impersonation) of Dark Magic, one for Grey Magic and the last one for White Magic. If you have interpreted the rune pictogram correctly, we need a connection between the three kinds of magic under a special ritual, which is, I'm afraid, forgotten and lost. But imagine for a short moment we were able to recreate this ritual; if we were able to identify the persons needed; and at last, if we were able to create the Essence of Magic... It would be the ultimate power, but, you are right, unluckily for both sides in this war. A creation of this extend and power won't go unnoticed, I completely agree with you in this point. But if we could really get the Essence of Magic, we had a few advantages: It would be the ideal bait to get close to Voldemort, or to bring him to an attack at Hogwarts; it would give our defence a lasting power; finally it would give us the power to destroy Voldemort once and for all. I know exactly the risk that occurs in creating a manifestation of the Essence. But despite that I want you to further investigate this great possibility you have found us. Maybe it will be pointless, and the necessary ritual stays lost, and maybe we will never find the persons who impersonate the three kinds of magic; but despite all these "ifs" I want you to go on. DO you understand?"

Hermione was flattened by Dumbledore's pure presence. His intense gaze stared into her, and then she understood. Even if she would not found a single hint on the solutions of the problems Dumbledore had listed, there was still the possibility that she could set Voldemort's supporters on a wrong track. And she was becoming a bait herself this way...

Hermione made her decision.

"To get further information on this topic, I would like to read some of Sinikka Lahtinen's research papers. Do you know by chance where I can find them?"

Dumbledore regarded her with a challenging look.

"As far as I remember, the highly celebrated Lahtinen passed all her scientific work on to her only son."

A few hours later Hermione still didn't know if Dumbledore had given her the best hint he could think of, or if she had done a kind of horse trading with him... To get Lahtinen's research papers, she had to ask Severus; to tell her where she could find it, Severus had to remember where he treasured it; to remember that, he had to remember the rest. And to make him remember, Hermione had to care for him.

"Great. Now I'm the plaything of a power-hungry Slytherin boy who has some undecipherable interests in the Potions Master, an old, even more power-hungry headmaster... And my own burning thirst of knowledge. Just great." Hermione thought.

Well... It wasn't as if she didn't had her own interest in Snape's health... She told herself to stop thinking along this line. Yes, she liked him, she had already liked him when he still was the evil, frightening Potions Bastard (as Ron had called him from time to time). But now she wasn't sure if she liked him more now because of what had happened to him - or because of the person he was at the moment. That was a dangerous thing, she knew. And for sure she needed help. Harry would not be a problem, he would help her and keep everything secret; he was used to this kind of things. Ginny was the same, Hermione could rely on her. But what to do with Ron? It would be impossible to exclude him, not that Hermione wanted to do that, but would he keep his mouth? She wasn't sure if he would not blabber some things out if someone clever decided to question him discretely. But she didn't want to decide that on her own. Harry and Ginny should give her their advice.

But for now she decided to keep all those thoughts out of her mind; she wanted to see Severus. Now she became aware of it, she almost missed him.

"Wow. Somehow I have the impression that this whole story is going farther than I would normally like it."

With this thought she entered the hospital wing.