Pass the Snog

A group of seventh-year Gryffindors stood around beside the groundskeeper's house for their Care of Magical Creatures lesson. Class should have started quite some time ago, but Hagrid was occupied trying to calm down an angry... an angry... an angry something or other. The students were grateful for the disruption and took this free time to do what students do best: sit around and do nothing.

"How's that Snog coming along, George?" asked Lee Jordan as the boys stood around in a group.

George suavely pulled a piece of parchment from his pocket and skimmed through it. "Well," said George, inspecting the parchment with a professional air. "The current Snog-holder is none other than Professor Trelawney." George chuckled. "How's that for a trip?"

Lee exploded into laughter. "Trelawney? That nutter? She's going to have to find someone in a coma to get rid of it!"

"The sheer lack of logic behind this Snog-passing business is mind- blowing," noted Fred.

Angelina gave George a curious glance. "How in the bloody hell do you find out where the Snog is so quickly?" she asked.

George shrugged with a menacingly innocent (how's that for a superb oxymoron?) grin on his face. "My methods are of the utmost secrecy, Angelina. Besides, even if I explained them to you, understanding it all would be far beyond your grasp, dearie."

Angelina rolled her eyes. "Riiiiight. Are you sure you didn't have some sort of accident in Potions lab yesterday? Or maybe had some bad cheese at lunch?"

"Well would you look at that," said Lee. The other students in the group turned their heads towards the castle, where Professor Trelawney was airily making her way across the lawn.

"Oh, Hagrid!" she called in her foofy voice. Her bug-eyes twinkled evilly. "I've got a present for you!"

Hagrid's attention was pulled away from the vicious creature he was wrangling. His eyes grew wide with fear as he saw Professor Trelawney moving determinedly towards him. The creature bit Hagrid with his foaming teeth, but Hagrid was far too afraid of the bug-eyed foe to worry about a mere rabid beast. He ran.

As the chase began, a glimmer formed in Lee's eyes and he immediately whipped out his wand and called, "Sonorus!" With that, his voice was magnified several times and he had the attention of his classmates who were watching the feathery Trelawney gain on the enormous groundskeeper. Lee was in his element.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the Seventh-year Care of Magical Creatures' Class, if you'll kindly turn your attention to your left you'll see a large man in a moleskin coat being chased by a wiry old bat of a teacher. Today's competitors are none other than our own groundskeeper Rubeus Hagrid, weighing in at... well, a hell of alot, I can tell you that much, versus the all-seeing divination diva Professor Trelawney. As you can see the chase is just heating up as Trelawney attempts to pass the cursed Snog to Hagrid? Oh! And as you can see Hagrid has taken a nasty dive into a puddle... Trelawney's gaining... and she's... why, hell, she's leapt right into the air, ladies and gentlemen! She's going to land right on-- wait, no, Hagrid's rolled out of the way. Trelawney takes a nasty spill in the mud, as Hagrid struggles to his feet. The chase continues! This will be an interesting race indeed, folks. And there goes Trelawney, hot on his tail! Extremely hot... in fact, I believe she's on fire! Yes, Hagrid has cast some sort of mild fire spell on her as a diversion. What determination, folks! He won't be taken alive, this one! Just a quick side note to our listeners out there, today's entertainment is brought to you by Hogwarts' own George Weasley. Give the crowd a wave, George, there's a good lad. Oh! Now turn your attention back to the chase and you'll see Professor Trelawney is mere INCHES away from Hagrid! She's gaining.... gaining... AND SHE'S GOT HIM! Wait... Wait a minute! Hagrid is still running, I repeat, the bloke is STILL RUNNING! Trelawney's dangling from Hagrid's back the way a glob of grease would be to Snape's head! What a grip she has! Uh-oh, folks, I see some more mud puddles up ahead... Hagrids teetering... teetering... he's down! Trelawney's moving in for the kill... here it comes... and... HE'S BEEN SNOGGED! TRELAWNEY HAS PASSED THE SNOG! THE CROWD'S GOING WILD!"

Indeed, the crowd was going wild. Some with excitement, some confused, others in hysterics, and still others mortified beyond description. They ran to the heaping muddy pile that was Trelawney and Hagrid. Trelawney pulled her lips away from Hagrid and stood up quite gracefully, despite the fact that mud coated nearly every inch of her robes. She looked at the approaching students and bowed graciously.

"I have fulfilled the cosmos' will," she said. "My work here is done. I'd say a bath is in order." She turned and marched up the lawn, leaving as quickly and mystically as she had arrived.

"Hagrid, you all right?" asked Angelina.

Hagrid shook his head vaguely, laying on his back and staring blankly at the sky above him. He was still shaking with fear. And it was hard to tell, but he even seemed to be on the verge of tears. The students crowded closer around the defeated Hagrid, talking excitedly with one another. Over all the voices, though, a commanding female voice could be heard.

"Step aside, step aside," snapped Katie Bell. She used her powerful Quidditch-conditioned arms to shove the other students out of her way until she reached Hagrid. She knelt down beside him. "Hagrid? Can you hear me?"

Hagrid's eyelids fluttered a bit and he started recovering from the shock. "Er... yeah? What is it?"

"I realize this might not be the best time, but I have an enormous favor to ask of you."

Hagrid sat up, still a bit shaken. "What is it, then?"

Katie blushed a bit, but she had a determined look about her face. "I need you to pass me the Snog, please."

"WHAT?"

"Oh, don't ask questions, Hagrid. I just absolutely must have that Snog."

Hagrid looked away and shook his head fiercefully. "Absolutely not. Yer a student. It wouldn't be proper at all. Nope. Not doing it."

Katie pouted and gave him the puppy dog face. "Pleeeeeeease, Hagrid? I need the Snog, I'm telling you!"

Hagrid's face remained strong. "Forget it. And the puppy face won't work on me. After all my time with Fang, I've learned to resist."

Katie's face started to turn red. "Hagrid. Give. Me. The. Snog."

"Huh?" Hagrid and the other students stared at her, bewildered. "Just what's so big about this Snog, eh? Why on earth would ya want a cursed Snog anyway?"

"I just do, okay, now cough it up!"

"No."

At this point, Katie was crimson. Hagrid was startled as she tightly gripped the collar of his shirt. "Listen to me, Hagrid. I want that Snog. I NEED that Snog. NOW GIVE ME THE BLOODY SNOG BEFORE I LOSE MY TEMPER!"

Confused and taken aback, Hagrid sighed with expaseration and leaned forward to give the angry seventh-year her snog. As soon as they broke away, Katie had returned to her cheerful demeanor.

"Oh, thank you, Hagrid!" she said with a shiny smile. She even leaned forward and gave him another peck on the cheek in gratitude, this one Hagrid couldn't help but blush at. "You're a pal!" She promptly hopped up and took off excitedly in the direction of the Quidditch field.

"That's it," said Hagrid, standing up and sighing yet again. "I'm gettin' out o' this madhouse. If anyone neeeds me, I'll be at the Three Broomsticks.... for a LONG while."