By Hermione Granger

By Hermione Granger
But Really, a fiction by Danielle_B


Translating Mad things Girls do so Boys can Understand them
~By Hermione Granger~

*With input from Ginny Weasley*
!And an afterword by Mrs Molly Weasley!

Foreword

It has recently come to my attention that wizard boys, usually ranging from ages thirteen to sixty, have no inclination about why girls do certain kinds of things. This book was written, plain and simply, to put girls’ habitual proclivities into a form that men can understand and to set aside the consternation in which boys have on the subject. It is with that, that this book begins......

Chapter one- Point one- “Girls aren’t confusing, Boys are just Oblivious”

Part of the age-old debate between men and woman has been girl’s unwillingness to explain themselves.
Ms. Ginny Weasley explains further. “Girls explain themselves, guys are just too stupid to understand.”
What, through my experience, has been the hardest thing for guys to understand is when a girl, plain and simply, likes someone.
“I had a crush on a boy for nearly four years. I carefully made him get well cards, I put all my free time into writing a valentine song for him, and to this day, I still believe he has no knowledge of this former crush,” says Ginny Weasley, a former crusher of an oblivious teen.
So how does a guy go about knowing if a girl likes him or not? Use these simple guideposts:
_ The girl often gets jealous when the boy mentions like of other girls.
_ The girl comforts the boy when perhaps at his lowest.
_ The girl writes books on how to know if a girl likes you and leaves it in close proximity of the one she secretly admires.
_ The same girl decides to give someone special an actual Valentines day present, and prints it in this very book in words she knows anyone could understand:
~I love you Ron Weasley, Yours Truly~

Chapter two- Point two- “It’s all about Reading in between the Lines”

In the last chapter we shortly proclaimed that girls tend to explain themselves, though perhaps not in a language that men are adept at understanding.
“I’ll admit, not saying anything to the boy I secretly adored for four years didn’t exactly scream ‘Let’s make out in the broom closet !’ But what a guy must be willing to understand is that girls aren’t often willing to state their feelings that bluntly.”
At this, men may hastily reply that facility at understanding a woman would come from the girl being curt about her feelings. However, men seem quite oblivious and uninterested when girls confide their emotions with the opposite sex.
To test our theory, we hit the Gryffindor common room and polled young wizards ranging from ages eleven to seventeer. By bombarding an unsuspecting male with a planted female more than willing to talk about her feelings**(see below), we were able to gather our data. Our results: just as predicted.
“Gee, I’d love to stay around and chat about your boy problem, but I’ve got a huge Potions essay due in four weeks.”
-Dean Thomas (Investigation later confirmed that such a Potions essay had never been assigned.)
“Uh...huh. Really? Oh.....” (It was at this point that our unsuspecting male specimen drifted off.)
-George Weasley
“Oh wow! Did you see that spider? It just snuffed it in that butterbeer. Just crawled right in! Sorry, were you saying something?”
-Fred Weasley
“Er.....(Boy looks at clock, looks at door, face shows fear. Girl confronts the boy no further as the boy seems considerably uncomfortable with the present situation.)
-Neville Longbottom
Clearly, our results were able to confirm the hypothesis. Girls cannot confide in men when it comes to relationships and/or anything to do with emotional well being.
With this obstacle at hand, it would seem almost impossible for a girl to admit her feelings to her chosen male.
“Girls tend to imply their affections in order to avoid such scrutiny. It’s safer, smarter, and won’t put the boy in a hypnotic state that can only be broken by the word ‘Quidditch’ or a very effective bogey-bat jinx.”
With that in mind, the simplest way of getting into a girl’s mind is by Reading Ron I in have between feelings the for lines you.

**Alicia Spinnet agreed to act as if she were in a circumstance in which she had recently broken up with a fellow Gryffindor. Ms. Spinnet approached the male, asked if they had time to talk, and when they agreed, unlaunched a short explanation of how it had occurred.

Chapter Three-Point Three- “A Girl Won’t Wait Around Forever”

Another bewilderment among the male race is the situation of a girl liking a guy and then suddenly being smitten with another of the opposite sex. Note that this is not something that suddenly occurs. Usually, if a girl believes the boy has lost interest, she’ll pack her bags and move on.
“I had literally obsessed about a guy for nearly three years. However, after the guy seemed uninterested in the prospect of asking me to the ball, I was able to abolish the crush and find someone else. As one strong, independent woman once put it, ‘It’s not about getting over someone, it’s about getting under someone else.’**(see below)”
Take into consideration the following, hypothetical situation:
A dance is approaching. A certain young female has been hoping in the back of her mind that a certain someone would ask her. A week passes, and then two weeks: still no invitation. It is then that another male, considerably polite, handsome, and she must admit, has very nice abdominal assets, then asks her to the dance. Because it seems that her certain someone has no interest in her whatsoever, the girl agrees to accompany the handsome young man to the dance (Though, against her better judgment because of the fact that his knowledge of the English language is quite primitive.)
It is not until the knowledge of another man is unearthed that her original suitor presumes to act jealous and even somewhat interested.
“Let it be known to the male race that a woman will not wait obsessively for a man to take action.”
Though, just because a man has lost her interest once, doesn’t mean he cannot regain her affection.
“There’s an old saying, ‘steal the bastard back’. However, it really takes a strong, special, and somewhat psychotic girl to give up a perfectly decent chap in order to wait around for a guy who hasn’t even realized his feelings for her yet.”
Consider me psychotic.

**Mom, I read it in Witch Weekly once. It doesn’t mean I’ve been under anyone..lately.

Chapter Four-Point four- “Is there anything that the male race does right?”

Obviously, if a male never did anything right the human race would have ceased to exist thousands of years ago. It is with that that we would like to point out that men aren’t totally clueless and that woman tend to be less than flawless.
“I’ll admit, there was a reason that I harbored a crush on a guy for three years. I mean he did save my life and all...but other than that.”
For all you guys wondering what to do to ‘wow’ a girl: consider nothing less than saving her life. Standing up for her isn’t a bad idea either.
“I’ve seen girls fall head over heels just because the guy stood up for her in a time of need.”
It is with the simple deeds and compliments that men tend to charm and win over their woman.
“I’m not saying nice abs and a sexy physique don’t work. I’m just saying that the physical counts for much less than the knowledge that he cares.”
That caring makes up for all of the problems mentioned in chapters 1-3.

Afterword

By Ms. Molly Weasley

Well, it really is a joy to be asked to submit an afterword for such a book. Originally, I was going to put in some closing thoughts on how it is to be

married to an oblivious male. However, in light of reading the previous chapters , I’ve decided to direct this more towards my youngest son, Ronald. Consider this a threat.
Ronald Weasley, if you merely toss this book aside, if you let this girl go, if you, for any reason, treat the author of this book with any disrespect, I will make sure that the life you live under my roof is a living hell.
Clearly, this girl isn’t someone you meet every day. If she is willing to give up a relationship with an international Quidditch player for a scrawny boy like you, you better treat her like the special, strong, and psychotic woman she is.
With that said: I love you dear and I only want what’s best for you. Now knock some sense into yourself and ask her to be your wife! (not really dear, you’re really too young for marrige-but you get the point.)
Oh and Ginny dear, if I find you have been “under anyone” lately, I will feed you to the garden gnomes.