Drinking Tears

DRINKING TEARS

by D.M.P.

Home. That's where she wanted to be. Home... away from all this.

The rain fell steadily outside. It was a cold, misty rain. London rain. Cho rubbed her hand against the windowpane to clear away the fog on it; the window re-frosted itself in less than a minute.

Cedric always liked the rain; it was a mystery to know why. Once, he dragged her out of the school into the middle of a thunderstorm, just so he could dance in the rain with her. Looking back, Cho remembered how exhilarating it was to whirl and leap madly among the raindrops. The thrill of the thunder booming in her ears. The shocking flash of lightning ripping through the sky. The warm drops of rain as they pounded on her face when she lifted her head, making Cho feel wildly alive inside. Oh, and the taste of raindrops as they fell into your mouth... it was like drinking life itself. Yes, Cedric liked the rain.... Cho turned away from the window and wiped her eyes. She didn't want to be reminded of anything to do with him.

The Hogwarts Express sped fast through the damp. Home. When will she be home? That's it. Just to be home and run upstairs to her room, where she can curl up in a convenient corner and weep all the tears she had been trying to hold in.

They said she had been very strong throughout all this. She, the one who knew Cedric the best, had acted in the most steadfast manner through it all. No, she didn't go into hysterics. No, she didn't scream and rant. Yes, she kept her composure in school, gaining a somewhat strange awe and respect from her fellow students. "Look at Cho Chang," they said, "Look how strong she's being."

Well, screw that.

She wanted to scream at whoever said that. She wanted to kick and rant and lose control. She wanted to cry and make a scene, just lock herself in the Ravenclaw Tower and sob. But no, she couldn't. Each time she felt a tear slide down her face, Cho wanted to slap herself. Cedric would never want this, she chided herself bitterly. Cedric would want me to be strong. He was always so brave.

Even at death....

Cho tightened her hands into hard fists, as she tried to will herself to stop crying. She wouldn't let herself act this way; she couldn't! Crossing her arms, Cho leaned back into the seat as she stared out the window.

She couldn't cry, not now. Not ever. Why? Cho knew why. She wouldn't give Voldemort the satisfaction of her tears.

Of course, whether she was crying or not wouldn't really matter to him. The Dark Wizard didn't even know who Cedric Diggory was. Just some random wizard who came along with Harry when they touched the portkey. And there, Voldemort just sniffed the life out of Cedric, like he didn't matter.

But he mattered to me.

Another tear came down. No! Cho bit her tongue, hoping that the physical pain would overcome the emotional one.

At least she had the blessing of leaving Hogwarts early. Dumbledore had let her get on a late train immediately after the Leaving Feast. So she didn't have to face the ride home with all of the other students leaving the next day. That was nice of him, allowing her to have some time alone.

The passing scenery outside the window seemed to swirl with the rain, like a painting with all its colors running together. Cho cleared a little circle on the pane again so that she could look out. Black clouds and wet trees whipped by, blurring her vision. Often, she would daydream on train rides, letting the smooth movement of the train soothe her. Yes, just look outside and forget for a while. She sniffed. Forget. I wish...

The funeral was scheduled for next week. The Diggorys had personally sent her an owl inquiring whether she would attend. Cho refused. It wasn't as if she didn't care about Cedric, and didn't want to say one last goodbye. No, she'd give anything in the world for that chance. But she wanted to see him alive for that, something impossible. Cho didn't want to stand outside in a graveyard and watch Cedric being lowered into the earth. She didn't want to see his cold, lifeless body. She wanted to hold him, to whisper in his ear how much she cared for him, to give him one last kiss. And you couldn't do that with a corpse.

Before she left Hogwarts, Cho wanted to find Harry Potter. At the Leaving Feast, she had looked across the Great Hall to where Harry sat at the Gryffindor table. How pale he looked, as if he dead himself. If only she could have walked over there to that table, and talk to him then! She wouldn't exactly know what to do, what to say. She just needed to see him. Maybe he could have told her of Cedric's final moments. Like what he looked like when they stumbled upon each other at the Trophy. How his voice sounded, or what did he say to Harry. Little things like that. And of course Cho had to ask a question that never ceased to burn in her mind

"Why," Cho whispered to herself. She leaned her forehead against the glass and felt its cold, hard sting. "Why, didn't you save him, Harry?" A silver tear fell down her cheek. "Why?"

The great Harry Potter. The wonder-boy with the lightning bolt scar. He defeated Voldemort for, like what, now three times already? Couldn't he have waved his little wand of his to help Cedric? Couldn't he have defended him? Did he defend him, in those last few moments? That's what Cho wanted to know.

The train was slowing down, making its stop at King's Cross Station. Cho slowly rose from her seat and picked up her bag. Stepping out through the sliding doors, she saw her parents waiting for her outside the barrier. Her father darted inside to get her trunk, while she stood with her mother. Neither of them said a word. It was better that way.

In a few moments, her father had her trunk on a trolley, and they were walking out of the station. Rain still cascaded down from the skies, making Cho pull her coat tighter around her. Walking to the car, she couldn't help but think that, maybe, she should send Harry an owl to ask. Maybe when the initial pain was gone she would.

The rain seemed to soak through her wool coat, making her feel colder inside. Cho blinked her eyes fiercely, trying hard not to cry in front of her parents. Just wait until I get home....

Once again, Cho remembered that thunderstorm so long ago, a rain so different from the one she was experiencing now. And slowly, she raised her head a bit and opened her mouth. Icy drops fell on her tongue, and a cold beyond cold seemed to sweep through her. This wasn't life she was drinking.

She was drinking tears.