All Gone

It wasn't supposed to be this way...it really wasn't. I swear if I had known I would be here all alone I would have ended it before all this. The words of a Muggle song echo in my brain, amazing how true they are...

I'm so tired of being here...

Suppressed by all my childish fears...

If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave...

'Cause your presence still lingers here...

And it won't leave me alone...

It's right, you know...I'm tired of being here, I'm sick of being alone. All of my friends have left me, all those that accepted me for who I am are dead, or as good as dead at least. I'm still scared, just like when I was a kid and I was afraid that they would find out what I...what I really am, I'm still scared that they'll find out how I really feel...I just put on a happy face and go out the door, no one seems to notice, they stopped asking ages ago when all I would tell them was, 'I'm fine.'

He won't leave, none of them will. Not one of them will leave me alone. Their souls keep coming back to haunt me and I can't tell you the last time I've had restful sleep. They have to leave and they just won't and it haunts me day and night. I can feel their presence. In this house, in these walls, in the air everywhere, memories surround me and I can't take it...

These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real,

There's just too much that time cannot erase...

The wounds won't heal, they never really have. Every time it starts to scab over and I think it's safe another memory tears it open again and it just hurts, you have no idea how much it just hurts. It burns and it freezes, it feels like my soul is being sucked from my body, I'm numb and I can't breathe it hurts so much...it's all still so real. SO real...

When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears,

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,

I've held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have all of me...

I guess you could say I was what held the group together. Sirius and James were too much alike and they had to have their quarrels, I had to make them include Peter and well...I was the peacemaker. I'd comfort and I'd soothe, I mean after James died and Peter disappeared and Sirius was sent to Azkaban I had to still hold on. I talked to them, you know. Just have conversations with them in my head, or sometimes in letters or even aloud. I guess the Marauders never died...but my soul sure died with the rest of them...I still belong to the group...they have all of me...

You used to captivate me by your resonating mind,

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind...

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams...

Your voice it chased away,

All the sanity in me...

You three amazed me, you really did. Peter, oh Wormtail...you were so faithful and loyal, what happened to you? And James, Prongs...so brave and so, so friendly. Sirius...Padfoot, so daring and exciting, so special...so unique were all of you. You captivated me...I just sit here, bound by all the things you left behind...I still have your old robes James, and the lock of hair from the merpeople that you got Sirius. I have your old rememberall, Peter, and these are what keeps me here. I see all of you in my dreams, every day I see your faces and wonder why it couldn't have been me...you guys made me reckless, you made me more than the silly prefect I would have been, you made me crazy, insane, confident...and I miss that...

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,

Although you're still here,

I've been alone all along...

I keep telling myself every time I wake that they aren't there, they won't come bursting in as they used to, and they won't apparate around noon just to say hi, they won't waltz in at the worst moment. They're never coming back. They aren't here, they aren't. But their spirits are, and I know it. They sit there and laugh at me, the old Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. They laugh at me, I know they do, I can feel it. I wish I could laugh. The truth remains though, I'll always be alone. I guess I've been alone all along.