The Whole Nine Yards

Chapter Ten - Draco Potter's Journal - Nightmares And Memories

- Draco Potter's Journal -

I keep having nightmares where I'm a kid again, at home with my father. He berates me, as usual and then it starts. The abuse. He hits me over and over again. Nothing is ever good enough for him. I am never good enough for him. I mean I was never good enough for him. The bastard is dead, thank god...but he lives on in my dreams...

They keep getting more and more real, more graphic. I swear I can feel the whip bite into my back some nights. The whippings used to hurt so much until I discovered a way to retreat so deep inside myself, where nothing and no one could hurt me.

I used to wish I was dead. So often I would lay awake in my bed in the Manor and think of all the different ways I could kill myself. Sometimes I'd find myself absently rubbing my wrists, imagining the blood oozing out of the slashed veins.

I used to dread going home for the holidays and rejoiced in my return to school. Hogwarts was my sanctuary. Even with all the chaos that is a boarding school, it was infinitely preferable to life at home.

Thank god for Harry Potter. The bane of my life became my saviour. It was he who gave me the will to live. It was he who made life worth living. I swear, if it weren't for Harry, I'd probably be dead right now. He pulled me back from the brink, just by being him. He probably didn't even realise he was doing it, but he gave me the strength to break from my family.

I feel so weak at not being able to banish these thoughts from my head. My sixth and seventh years at Hogwarts, I was able to do it. Harry and I had a blast during those years, but now with the weight of responsibility hanging around our necks, we have changed. Probably for the better, but we have changed.

Somehow, this change has meant that I am now reliving some of the more twisted parts of my past in my sleep. I revisit Malfoy Manor nightly and live again the terrible things my father did to me - the whipping, the beating, the Cruciatus curse. All because I didn't manage to be top of my year ("Second place is just the first loser," he'd say), or I didn't beat Harry at Quidditch, I was just...me.

I was never good enough for him. My father, I mean. I am just about convinced that I am good enough in Harry's eyes. Perhaps if I gaze into his eyes long enough and see his love for me shining brightly back at me, then I might be totally convinced that I am worthy of him.

I've just read over what I've written and it doesn't make any sense. I'm talking, or writing as the case may be, in circles. There isn't a coherent thought on this page, but I guess that's okay. After all, it is my journal.

I really don't want to dwell on the bleakness of my childhood. Although I suppose that is what this Journal is for. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was miserable. But I'm sure being forced to live in a cupboard under the stairs would be worse.

I know Harry has been through a lot of terrible things in his life and I feel like such a baby that I can't handle the terrible things that happened in my life.

I'm Draco Potter. I can handle anything. Except maybe this...

~ Godric's Hollow ~

Harry, only about five pages into Draco's journal, closed the book and closed his eyes. He'd known it would be difficult to read but this was harder than he'd imagined. He wiped his tear stained cheeks as he mulled over what he'd read so far.

As he read about Draco's past, he could see it in his mind, playing out like a movie. It tore him apart to think of the pain Draco had been through. And to think that Draco had the audacity to write that he thought being locked in a cupboard under the stairs was worse! Harry knew that he had been better off than Draco. Sure, he had been confined to his cupboard, and then his room, but at least he hadn't been physically abused. Mentally maybe, but not physically.

The fact that Draco had considered suicide had shocked Harry. He'd known that Draco had had some low moments but he hadn't been aware that he'd ever felt that miserable.

It also hurt Harry that Draco didn't think he was good enough for Harry. In Harry's eyes, Draco was an absolute angel. Harry had a sudden urge to reassure Draco and impress upon him the depth of Harry's love and respect for him.

Harry carefully placed the journal on the coffee table and stood up. Draco had gone upstairs a while ago so Harry bounded up the stairs. Draco wasn't in their bedroom or either of the spare rooms. There was only one other place.

Ah, Harry thought with a smile, of course, he's taking a bath. Draco's favourite way to relax.

Harry quickly entered the bathroom, startling Draco. Harry rushed over to the bath and perched on the edge.

"Drac, honey, I just wanted to tell you that you might not have lived up to your father's expectations, but you exceed mine," Harry said passionately.

Draco blinked up at him, taking a moment to process what Harry was trying to say. He suddenly realised that this was in response to what he had written in his journal. His heart leapt, as he understood what Harry meant.

"You mean..." Draco asked hesitantly.

Harry leaned forward and fell into the bath. He pulled himself up so he was sitting in Draco's lap, not caring about his wet clothes. He stared into Draco's eyes.

"Look into my eyes. See all that love in there, shining back at you. Believe me, you are worthy of me. We are worthy of each other," Harry continued before kissing Draco adoringly.