Armilla

Chapter 35

"Miss Armilla! Docky is needing to give you something, Miss Armilla! Wake up, Miss Armilla!"

I grunted, half-asleep, and rolled over. It wasn't much use to try and keep sleeping though, especially when the elf was insistent on wringing my hand vigorously.

"Go 'way, Docky," I grumbled, squeezing my eyes shut.

"But Docky will be in trouble if you doesn't get up, Miss Armilla!" the elf squeaked. "Master Severus sent me to wake you up ten minutes ago...but Docky got delayed, Miss."

Severus. Memories of the night before flooded back into my mind.

"Ohhhhh," I moaned, rubbing my eyes, thinking about having woken up in the middle of a wrestling match with my brother. Snape had been decent really, albeit sarcastic.

My stomach still churned in embarrassment when I remembered I had been snivelling in front of him as he had untangled me from my bed sheets. It was he who had set everything straight. It was he who had identified all my emotional problems. It was he who had said that I would not get through the whole Shar fiasco until I admitted I could no do it alone.

The whole time though, he had been so...Snape about everything. He had still sneered, he had still mocked, he had still glared and he had still made sure to mention the puddle dream like it was a little game of "How many times a week can I remind you of that really embarrassing and utterly ridiculous puddle dream?" And yet, while he had fumed at me and made sarcastic comments, he had stayed with me until I had fallen asleep.

He could have told me to stop being so emotional before storming out of the room in a huff. Whatever charm he had been muttering when I was falling asleep must have been really effective though...the nightmare hadn't recurred...and I still felt embarrassed.

"Do wake up, Miss Armilla!" Docky pulled on my hand and then swung himself up onto the bed and began jumping up and down. "Wheeee!"

Resigned to the fact that there was no hope in sleeping in now, I blearily opened my eyes to watch Docky jumping around on my bed, clutching an envelope in his hands.

"Alright," I said tiredly, sitting up. "I'm awake, Docky."

"Yes, indeed she is, Docky," said an annoyed voice from the doorway. I quickly turned my gaze to the doorway. Snape was leaning against the doorframe, his arms folded and his face scowling. "For heaven's sake, stop jumping on the bed, Docky! I told you years ago it would not do in this household."

Docky immediately stopped.

"Yes, Master Severus, sir," Docky said brightly, though his bottom lip trembled a little.

Snape rolled his eyes, his expression quite ill-natured.

"Do tell me," he said, his eyes flitting between the two of us. "Who am I to blame for Armilla having just woken up now when I gave directions to Docky to wake her over ten minutes ago?" He scowled at us, waiting for an answer. Definitely not a morning person.

I glanced at Docky, but he wasn't paying any attention. He bowed slightly to Snape.

"Docky accepts full responsibility, Master Severus," he said, meekly. "Docky only came into Miss Armilla's room just now. It is not Miss Armilla's fault, Master Severus, sir. Docky got delayed after you gave him the direction to wake your sister, sir."

"Delayed?" asked Snape abruptly, raising an eyebrow. "Explain yourself, Docky."

Docky straightened up again. "Yes, Master Severus. Docky was coming down the hallway, sir, when he saw an owl fly in the open window. I stopped the owl, sir, as it was big and vicious and it was flying towards Miss Armilla's room."

"Big and vicious?" Snape scoffed, striding into the room. He stopped at the foot of the bed, peering closely at the house elf. "How did you get those scratches, Docky?" he asked sternly.

"Docky fought with the owl, sir, to get the letter. Docky did not want that owl to go into Miss Armilla's bedroom, sir. Docky recognised the owl, Master Severus. It was from Snape Manor, sir." The house elf was positively quivering under Snape's hard gaze.

I starting chewing my bottom lip. Another letter from my father? What had I done now? I immediately began thinking of the welts on my face and hands that were a result of the last letter.

Docky suddenly turned to look at me. "Docky is sorry to be stopping your mail from coming into your bedroom, Miss Armilla. But Docky doesn't trust Snape Manor owls."

I nodded, still chewing my lip and eyeing the envelope in Docky's hand with apprehension.

"Docky is sorry to be making Miss Armilla bite her lip," said Docky, his large eyes wide.

"She always bites her lip when she's anxious," said Snape vaguely, his gaze focused on the envelope in Docky's hand.

"Miss Hazel used to bite her lip," Docky said thoughtfully. "She used to make her lip bleed, Miss Armilla. Master Severus used to-"

"Enough!" Snape snapped. "You may leave the envelope on the bed, Docky, and then you may return to the basement where you will heal yourself straightaway. Understood?"

"Yes, Master Severus, sir!" Docky squeaked, dropping the envelope onto the bed. He jumped off the bed and sped out of the room at high speed.

Snape closed his eyes in frustration as we heard the elf slow down in the hallway, muttering to himself about decorum.

I kept my eyes on the envelope barely six inches from where I was sitting cross-legged on the bed.

"I wonder what your loving father has to say now," said Snape, opening his eyes to look down at me.

"I swear I haven't done anything wrong this time," I said, my voice shaking.

He scoffed. "You didn't do anything wrong the last time either," he said. "Father looks for things. However, you never know, it might just be a social letter."

He took out his wand, pointed it at the letter and began muttering charms. The letter came out of the envelope and lay folded on the bed. After a few moments, Snape lowered his wand and nodded at me.

"Go on, then. It's fine."

I picked it up and paused, staring at the folded letter in my hand. Instead of opening it, I held it out to my brother.

Sighing, Snape took the hint and took the letter from my outstretched hand. Sitting down on the bed, he unfolded it and began to read aloud.

Dear Armilla,

I hope this letter finds you in the best health. I am as well as old-age permits, but am strengthened each morning when I think that I am a day closer to seeing you again.

Snape stopped abruptly, muttering "Oh, bloody hell" to himself.

Of course, I am happily anticipating your return home here the day after Christmas. I am sure your dear brother will gladly relinquish his care of you for awhile and I am looking forward to getting to know you without your brother's presence.

"I'm sure you are," Snape muttered. He looked sideways at me. "Breathe, Armilla."

I let out a breath, realising that I had been subconsciously holding it in.

To celebrate your presence here at last, I am hosting a party on the 29th in your honour. I have already received a large number of acceptances from many friends, who are just as pleased to be welcoming you into our midst. Make sure you come with decent quality dress robes. I have enclosed some money to buy them as your Christmas present.

I look forward to seeing you on the 26th, when we will celebrate our own Christmas a day late.

Wishing you a happy Christmas,

Your loving father

Snape didn't look at me. He took his time rereading the letter, and then slowly folding it up again, with the money inside that had fallen out of the letter.

I concentrated very hard on not chewing my lip. How could I relax now? A party held in my honour? How many Death Eaters and their children would be there?

Finally, Snape turned to look at me.

"I suppose we'll have to fit shopping for dress robes in today's schedule," he said, his eyes flashing with anger.

"I have dress robes," I replied. "I had to have them for the Yule Ball last year."

"When Father says decent dress robes," Snape said, sneering. "He doesn't mean from Madam Malkin's, where no doubt you got yours like any other normal witch. He means dress robes from a higher profile place and he will want a receipt to prove it."

"That's a waste of money," I grumbled.

"Indeed it is," he agreed, twisting the letter in his hands, "but you will have to have them or suffer Father's displeasure upon your arrival without them."

I sighed.

"We'll talk about this later," he said, standing up. "We have an even busier day ahead of us now and I want to leave soon. Get dressed, have something to eat and meet me at the door in fifteen minutes. Wear something warm - it snowed last night."

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Twenty minutes later we were back in the carriage we had arrived in yesterday, riding back to the nearest spot to disapparate.

As usual, Snape was silent. I wondered if he was brooding about Father's letter. The letter certainly worried me, that and Shar's face in my mind. Every time I glanced at the piano I saw the man in my mind and it felt like my heart skipped a beat. I wondered what Merle would have said if she had discovered Shar for what he really was.

"What are Father's parties like?" I asked suddenly, breaking my gaze from the window to look at my brother.

Snape considered me for a moment, his black eyes unfathomable.

"Generally, people like Father hold parties to show others how much they've got," he said, quietly. "What they've got in terms of material wealth," he added as an afterthought. "I daresay Father sees you as a possession that he wants to show off, especially to the families with adolescent single sons who he can make a good deal with."

I met his gaze, alarmed.

"But-"

He waved a hand aside, impatiently.

"Do not think on it, Armilla," he said, sneering. "Keep in mind that your father is not the only person with custody of you. Believe me, there will be no deals."

"Never?" I asked, trepidation very clear in my voice.

Snape regarded me with an expressionless face.

"I assure you, that as long as I am living, you will never be forced into any marriage. Marriage is not for everybody, but for those who seek it, it should be with their consent."

I nodded, still worried about my Father lining up potential suitors just for the fun of it at the party.

The carriage came to a halt and we climbed out and began walking to the forest clearing.

We walked along in silence, trudging through the snow. It was freezing, but I welcomed the fresh breeze.

We reached the clearing and Snape turned to face me.

"Ready?" he said, smirking.

"What if I said no?" I asked dryly.

Snape snorted. "I'd say that's unfortunate as Disapparating unawares is quite unpleasant," he answered derisively. He held out his hands in front of him, his eyes narrowed.

I placed my hands in his, gazing at him resignedly.

"Let's go then," he said, gripping my hands tightly in his.

I hadn't enjoyed the sensation of Disapparating and Apparating yesterday, but the shock of the experience was slightly more subdued this time. I was thankful that I wasn't holding on to Snape with just one hand this time; I put all my concentration into holding onto him.

We appeared in a very clean, curved cobbled street surrounded by shops. Though I had never actually walked down this street, I had often bypassed it on my way to Diagon Alley.

We were in Preston Parade, London. Merle and I had never shopped in this street. Merle had lived comfortably, but she had called this street "La di da land" where witches and wizards spent ridiculous amounts of money on clothing. Glancing around, I noticed most of the shops were far from cluttered; clearly the owners opted for spacious shops to show off a smaller range of expensive items.

"You didn't handle that too badly," Snape commented dryly, letting go of my hands. "Come. We'll get your dress robes first."

"Does Father expect all my things to come from this street?" I asked, walking along beside Snape.

"If he does, he'll be sadly disappointed," Snape replied, sardonically, glaring at a passing witch who was sporting a fluffy magenta boa around her neck.

I followed him into a shop called Alethia Courtney Boutique. It was a bright little shop, with racks of dress robes for witches lining the walls. A tall skinny witch in dark purple silk robes wearing way too much gold jewellery looked up from the counter. She immediately looked both Snape and I up and down, and raised her chin slightly too high, so she had to look down her nose, which I thought was an amazing feat as Snape was taller than her.

"Ah," she said, lightly. "Good Morning. My name is Alethia Courtney." The slight sneer on her face sounded as if she didn't mean us a good morning at all. Personally, I thought she was offended that Snape and I weren't wearing velvet cloaks with silk lining. Snape was clad in his usual black, and I was wearing my burgundy cloak over a black top with jeans. We certainly didn't look snobby enough, though Snape always seemed to have a superior air to me.

Snape didn't return the greeting or introduce himself, but he returned the sneering look. Alethia looked startled for a moment, but then recovered herself, clasping her hands in front of her.

"Is the young lady here in need of new dress robes?" she enquired, using a falsely polite voice.

"She is," Snape replied, curtly. "Simple dress robes suitable for dinner parties. Nothing fancy."

Her face fell slightly. She turned to face me, again looking me up and down.

"Well you should consider selecting a colour to suit your own colouring," she said. She gestured to the robes lining the wall. "But is there a colour you wanted in particular, dear?"

"Not pink," Snape muttered in my ear.

Alethia glared. "I wouldn't say pink is her colour anyway," she said sourly, staring at Snape, "though I would not recommend black, either. Her hair and eyes are dark enough."

This time it was Snape's turn to glare, having clearly understood that the jab was intended for him. I waited for him to tell me that we were going and we would buy the robes elsewhere, but he contented himself in just glaring at the witch.

I scanned the colours of the robes, looking for something appealing.

"What about scarlet?" I suggested, gesturing to the scarlet robes near the witch.

Snape scowled. "Too Gryffindor," he said darkly.

I stared at him, wondering how serious he was. The scowl remained and I knew he wasn't even going to consider scarlet robes.

I turned back to the robes, looking for another colour. Snape walked along the wall as well, his face impassive as he looked down his hooked nose at the robes.

"What about green?" he said, nodding towards the dark green silk robes next to him.

I shook my head.

"Why not?"

"Too Slytherin," I replied, evenly.

Snape narrowed his eyes, his lip curled. "Touché," he muttered, turning back to the robes.

"She'll look lovely in red," Alethia crooned, pointing to lacy bright red robes.

"No," Snape and I said in unison.

Alethia looked affronted. "My, we are picky," she said, folding her arms.

I gave her a small smile. "I don't like bright colours," I said, quietly.

"I see," she said, looking between Snape and I. "Well, I guess that rules out yellow."

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Half an hour later, we finally left the shop, having bought a suitable set of dress robes. I would have gone for blue robes, but my other dress robes were blue - very Ravenclaw. Snape had suggested that I not get blue, as otherwise it would remind my father that I was a Ravenclaw like my mother had been. I ended up settling on deep berry satin and organza robes. They were simple, but elegant enough for my father I believed. And Snape hadn't scoffed at them.

We went to Diagon Alley, where we stopped in at the apothecary as Snape needed to make alterations to a recent Potions order for the school supplies. There were many people about in Diagon Alley, and a couple of people I didn't know nodded at Snape as they passed. I wondered if they were old school friends, Slytherin parents or Order members.

"Where are we going now?" I asked, after we had left the apothecary.

"Knockturn Alley," Snape murmured as we turned down a dark lane leading towards Knockturn Alley. "So stay close. The wizard-folk there aren't to be trusted."

I moved closer to Snape as we stepped into Knockturn Alley. I noticed the change in clientele straightaway. Snape had been perfectly justified in telling me to stay close. The witches and wizards in the street clutched their shopping protectively, sneaking peeks at the people who passed them. There were a number of small huddles in dark corners, where private deals were taking place. A few loners drifted about, leering at the people who passed them.

One stout, drunken wizard in particular was making sleazy remarks at witches as they passed. The witches firmly looked the other way. The wizard in question gestured at me as we passed, muttering something incoherent to himself and Snape grabbed my hand and pulled me so I was walking on the other side of him.

"I wouldn't have brought you here," he said quietly, letting go of my hand, "but we do need to buy Father a Christmas present from you."

"Won't he know I shopped in Knockturn Alley for it?" I asked, feeling sick at the thought of Christmas celebrations with my father.

"I doubt he would care," Snape muttered and we stopped in front of a shop called Diemen's.

"Do you have something in mind?" I asked as we entered the shop.

"I do," Snape replied, quietly. "There could be some dangerous items in here, so don't touch anything."

I nodded, looking around the shop. It was quite dark inside and the shelves were full of many items I couldn't identify. Snape seemed to know exactly what he was looking for as he swept along the aisles, briefly scanning the contents on the shelves. Finally, he stopped in front of a shelf lined with small polished wooden boxes. He picked up one of the boxes and opened the lid, examining the contents. Nodding, he lowered the box to show me what was inside.

The box was lined in dark blue velvet and it contained a number of round pieces of glass, sitting vertically in the box so each one could be pulled out without disturbing the others.

"They're magical lenses," Snape explained. "They are a very recent product and a great improvement on the other forms of lenses preceding these ones."

"What are they for?" I asked softly, staring into the box at the lenses.

"They are designed to fit any telescope," he responded, taking a lens out of the box to show me. "Father is immensely interested in Astronomy. There are a number of telescopes at his house. These lenses differ from the regular lens on a telescope in that there are more powerful charms within them, allowing them to provide more information. Specific lenses here can point the telescope to a certain area one wishes to examine simply on command once it is attached to the telescope. Print can appear on it, detailing what you are looking at. They are also more advanced in zooming in and out on whatever the person is looking at and they can zoom right through clouds." Snape paused, placing the lens back in the box. "They do many things, Armilla, and I know Father will be pleased to have them." He frowned as he placed the lid back on the box.

I watched him, silently.

"Are you happy to give him this?" He asked, still frowning.

"Yes. But he'll know you told me that he liked Astronomy," I pointed out.

"I'd say he would expect that you would have asked questions," he replied, moving towards the counter to pay for the lenses.

"Am I supposed to show an interest in Astronomy?" I asked, following him.

Snape snorted. "It depends how many nights you want to spend up late writing notes for him while he's using his telescopes."

"Oh. I'll show a minimal amount then."

He glanced sideways at me. "Wise decision," he murmured.

When we exited the shop a few minutes later, I immediately moved closer to Snape again as I spotted the drunken wizard staggering along towards us.

Snape veered off to the left slightly, so four or five other witches and wizards separated us from the intoxicated wizard.

"Damn drunks," Snape muttered to himself as we passed.

"Are we going home now?" I asked, as we moved into a deserted area at the end of the Alley.

Snape glanced down at me, a small flash of surprise on his face. As usual, he recovered so quickly that I thought I imagined the look. A second later, I realised what had caught the man by surprise. I had referred to the Merrigan Estate as home.

"No, we're not going home yet," he answered, watching me closely. "We have one more place to visit."

He shrunk the shopping down, placed them in his pocket and held his hands out to me again. I took them, gripping them tightly, wondering where we were going now.

A few rather unpleasant seconds later, we appeared in the middle of a cemetery. I recognised the cemetery straightaway. I had been here recently. Merle was buried here.

An all too familiar lump settled at the pit of my stomach. I wasn't ready for this. It was too soon. The memory of sitting with Merle as she had died was still so fresh in my mind. It wasn't just that which disturbed me. Being here brought back all the pain from my last few encounters with Shar. He had spoken to me here in this cemetery, shortly before he had attacked me.

"I knew Merle for fifty odd years," muttered Shar, as though he was speaking to no one in particular. "I was one of her closest companions before you came along. I should be very interested in knowing what has been left to me in her will. That is, I expect to be informed."

I shuddered, the memory haunting me. I wondered what Snape meant by bringing me here. I looked up at him inquiringly.

He was gazing at all the head stones around him. After a moment he looked down at me.

"I should like you to show me Merle's grave," he said quietly, offering no more explanation.

Silently, I let go of his hands and led the way to Merle's grave. Snape walked closely behind me, also in silence.

"There," I said timidly, stopping in front of the gravestone It had been magically constructed when Merle had been buried, but seeing it still brought a wave of emotions back.

Merle Gladys Kemp

31st August, 1914 - 17th October 1995

Snape stopped next to me, also looking at the gravestone. We stood in silence for several minutes. My emotions kept running from one extreme to the other. At one moment, I would be thinking about happy memories like Merle dressing up as a fairy for my birthday, and then the next moment, I would be reliving lying to Merle about why I didn't want to play the piano. That would bring forth a lot of Shar-related memories and I really wasn't ready to be dealing with that again. The nightmare I had had the night before had told me that much.

After a while, I could practically feel Snape gazing at me. Finally taking my eyes away from the gravestone, I looked up at him.

"Why did we have to come here?" I asked, determined to keep my voice even.

"For a number of reasons," he replied, giving me a shrewd look. "How do you feel about being here?"

"Uncomfortable," I said bluntly, looking away.

"Without a doubt that discomfort will lessen each time you come here," he said.

I still didn't look at him. I was annoyed with him for bringing me here. It forced me to live out memories that I rather not think about.

"What makes you feel uncomfortable?" he pressed, using a tone very much like the questioning tone he used in the Potions classroom.

I shook my head. "I don't know," I said wearily. "Maybe...I...I feel all these different things being here...I can't explain it."

"Good or bad feelings?"

"Both, I suppose..." I kept staring at Merle's name.

"What do you see in your mind when you are looking at that gravestone?" Snape asked quietly.

"I see Merle," I whispered. "I see all these memories...I keep reliving the moment she died."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Snape move slightly closer.

"It seems to me," he said, "that though Merle passed on only a short while ago, you are no closer to accepting the fact that she has died now than you were in the days following her death."

I bit my lip.

"Am I correct?"

I paused, staring ahead. Finally, I nodded.

"Why do you think that is?" he asked, edging closer.

I shrugged. "I don't know..."

There was a moment's silence. Then Snape spoke again.

"Oh, I think you do know why."

I said nothing, but kept staring at Merle's name.

"I think you also see someone else when you look at that gravestone. Am I correct?"

After a moment, I nodded again. I wished he wasn't so perceptive.

"I believe that someone haunts you constantly and interrupts any happy memories you begin to relive regarding Merle."

I shot an accusing look at Snape and he glared right back, his eyes narrowed.

"Don't you dare accuse me of using Legilimency on you, child."

I looked back at the gravestone. If he hadn't used Legilimency, then he was certainly showing signs of understanding me well...

"Furthermore," Snape continued, his voice growing harder, "I believe this person has been standing in the way of you accepting Merle's death because you haven't got over what he did to you after her death."

I didn't look at him. He was right, but I didn't want to say so. I hadn't thought about it that way before, but Snape had so clearly put everything in perspective in his own cunning way. Slytherin.

"Correct, Armilla?" he said sharply.

"Correct," I whispered.

"Do you remember what I said last night about Shar?" Snape's voice was full of venom as he said the man's name.

"That he won't be coming near me again," I answered, quietly.

"And?"

"Time and moving on will help."

"And?"

I thought for a moment, thinking back to the awkward circumstances of the night before.

"That I'll only get through this...hardship when...I admit I can't do it by myself," I said finally.

"Exactly," he said in a hard voice.

I swallowed, staring at Merle's name. I tried to picture her smiling face without any distractions. I managed for about three seconds before it was overridden with Shar's face, showing the expression had worn as he had raised the knife...I shuddered. Damn Snape for being right.

"Alright," I said.

"Alright what?"

I looked up at Snape, fighting the tears back again.

"I admit it," I said in a low voice. "I thought I could handle it, but it's too hard."

"That's because you don't talk to anyone about your worries," he said harshly. "But we have already spoken about this."

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I admit it," I repeated, "I can't do it by myself."

Snape considered me for a moment, his black eyes fixed intently on mine.

"And what do you suggest that you do about that?" he asked, softly.

I stared at him for a moment.

"Ask you for help," I said finally, my voice wavering, as the tears threatened to make their presence known.

He folded his arms, still watching me closely.

"Don't tell me that you're willing to depend on me for something?" he asked sardonically.

"I depend on you now," I said, wiping an escaped tear away. "I've depended on you for awhile."

His harsh expression faded slightly.

"I'm glad you've finally admitted it," he said, sternly. "Now we can work towards putting that fool behind you and ultimately...accepting Merle's death."

I nodded, wiping another tear away. Why was it that Snape always had to put my problems out in the open for me?

Because you won't do it yourself, a voice in my head said.

I glanced back at Merle's grave. I thought of Shar's knife straightaway and shuddered.

"Come," Snape said, taking my hands in his, getting ready to disapparate. "Let's go home."