Armilla

Chapter 34

I kept screaming as Shar came moved towards me. The knife kept coming closer and closer. His left hand grabbed my right wrist and I grabbed his right wrist with my other hand. Still shrieking, I wrestled with him, trying to get him to drop the knife...

"Armilla! Stop this at once!"

My screams were cut short when the scene in front of me vanished and I found myself staring into the darks eyes of my brother. Panting, I took in the scene around me. My bedroom had been dimly lit. My bed was big, but I had certainly travelled a fair way from my pillows during the dream. I was cowering in a ball near the foot of the bed, the sheets and blankets strewn in a heap all around me. Snape was bending over me, his face unfathomable as he took in the scene himself now that I had stopped screaming. Just as Shar had done in the dream, Snape's left hand was gripped around my shaking right wrist. Suddenly I realised that I was gripping Snape's other wrist very tightly. A lovely knot formed in my stomach as I realised that though I had wrestled with Shar in my dream, I had been wrestling with Snape in reality.

"Really, Armilla, I am in no mood to engage in muggle-style wrestling at this time of the night, though I have no doubt I would be no match for you," Snape sneered, letting go of my wrist. For some reason, I was not ready to part with his.

Shuddering, I rubbed my eyes with my free hand, only to discover they were wet, as was the rest of my face.

Snape made no effort to remove his wrist from my grasp. Instead, he continued to stare down at me, his looking calculating.

"I have said it before, but I believe I now have proper foundation in stating that you have quite a violent temperament whilst sleeping."

I looked down at the heap of sheets and blankets I was entangled in. I felt like such a baby. I was fifteen. I shouldn't be having such terrible nightmares that could only be stopped by my older brother's interference.

"If you allow me to have my arm back, I will attempt to straighten things up for you," said Snape, looking pointedly at my trembling hand around his wrist. "You do seem to have trouble with the whole notion of the bed and sleep. How you managed to end up down here is beyond me."

Shuddering again, the thought of Shar with a knife still deeply on my mind, I loosened my grip on Snape, but didn't let go.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

Snape used his other hand to gently separate my hand from his wrist.

"What for?" he asked quietly, staring fixedly at me.

"Disturbing you," I said, softly.

Snape shook his head. "Don't be. This time at least, I didn't have to chase you through a number of corridors."

He bent down and began untangling the pile of sheets and blankets I was half-sitting in. I kept rubbing my eyes, which seemed insistent on remaining wet. My attempt to control my shudders was failing enormously.

"It is fortunate that I heard you screaming," Snape said silkily, as he pulled a sheet from beneath me. "If I hadn't, I've no doubt you wouldn't have told me that you'd even had a nightmare. Am I correct?"

He paused with the sheet in his hands, glaring at me.

"I don't know," I said, quietly.

Snape shook his head again. "I'll take that as a yes."

"I'd feel like a five-year-old if I came running to you every time I had a nightmare," I said, blinking tears away. I kept picturing Shar's knife.

"So what?" he snapped. "Do you think I would tell you that you're acting like a five-year-old if you came to tell me that you had a disturbing dream? For goodness sake, Armilla, you were screaming so loudly that Docky heard you down in the kitchens!"

"I'm sorry," I said again, feeling utterly embarrassed.

"I'm not asking for apologies!" said Snape, angrily. "I was merely pointing out that a dream that distressing is not to be ignored, whether I had heard you or not."

I looked down at my hands, feeling so mortified that I wished I could disappear.

Snape clearly wanted my full attention though, for a moment later he had let go of the sheet and had lifted my chin with his right hand so that I was forced to look into his eyes.

"What was your dream about?" he said in a low voice.

"...Shar..." I whispered back.

Snape gave a small nod and released me from his grasp. He straightened up and folded his arms. I remained in my cowering position near the foot of the bed.

"Only Shar?"

I shook my head.

"Well, then?"

"Docky...and..." I stopped, still blinking tears away.

Snape sighed and took out his wand.

"I have refrained from using Legilimency on you, but may I?"

I nodded.

"You will have to take your guard down." His face grew hard. "I suppose you have still been keeping it up?"

I shook my head. "No," I whispered. "I've left it down all day."

Snape's face softened slightly and he gazed at me for a moment before raising his wand.

"Legilimens!"

The room vanished from view and flashes of the dream passed before my eyes. I saw Snape accusing me of not telling him things and then telling me to get out. I saw Shar coming at me, brandishing a knife. Seeing that moment again, I let out a small cry and the scene wavered, before vanishing completely. My own bedroom came back into view again and I looked up to see Snape pocketing his wand, his eyes fixed on the piano in the corner of the room.

Though resigned to the fact that Snape would obviously have noticed my tears by now, I still kept wiping them away in my embarrassment.

Finally drawing his eyes away from the piano, Snape returned his gaze to my shivering form, his face inscrutable.

"I'd prefer it if you slept at the other end of the bed," he said, his voice low. He reached down and took hold of me under my arms. Half-lifting me, he slid me back along the bed until I was leaning against my pillows. Taking his wand out again, he directed the sheets and blankets back into their proper position on the bed. The covers felt unnaturally warm, and I had the shrewd suspicion that Snape had also warmed them while putting them back on the bed.

Looking over the remade bed, Snape nodded his satisfaction and put his wand away. He moved towards me again and moved my pillows down.

"Lie down," he instructed, untucking part of the blanket so I could slide down easily.

Still wiping my eyes, I laid down, hoping against hope that Snape wasn't mortally offended at his depiction in my dream.

To my surprise, Snape moved the blanket back to its proper place and sat down on the side of the bed. He leaned forward and opened the top drawer of the bedside table next to me. Not having explored, I had thought the drawers to be empty, but to my astonishment, Snape pulled out a white handkerchief.

"Wipe your eyes," he ordered, his face unfathomable as he passed me the handkerchief.

I took it from him and began wiping my eyes, my embarrassment at an all time peak.

Snape waited until I had finished before he spoke again.

"Firstly," he said, quietly, "why did you take your guard down today?"

"Because I was with you all day," I answered, softly.

Snape paused, his black eyes fixed on mine.

"I see," he said. He was silent for a moment. I wiped my eyes again.

"Had you been having nightmares while you had the guard up?"

"No."

"Though I suppose you hadn't thought about Shar for awhile, given the current state of things?"

"No, I hadn't," I said quietly.

Snape considered me for a moment. "What do you think about shutting down your emotions before sleep?"

"I would think it is a good idea," I said, still shuddering.

Snape nodded. He looked at me closely, his eyes slightly narrowed.

"Sometimes the mind can play awful tricks on itself, particularly during nightmares. Such tricks can encourage the mind to dwell on issues that have caused a frequent amount of worry to the person."

I stared up at him, my stomach churning.

"From the flashes I saw of your dream," he continued, his black eyes never leaving mine, "you have a number of worries that seem to have been plaguing you for some time."

I blinked, willing the tears to disappear.

"Yet," Snape went on, "you seem to have been content to push all these worries away. Let's recap on all the events in your life of late, shall we?"

He shifted slightly, sitting closer to me on the bed. "Let's see...you arrived late to school this year, having spent time with your sick guardian. You start the school year worrying about her health. Shortly after, she passes away and you're left with no proper guardian to claim you. Following Merle's funeral, you are attacked by a money-hungry squib who sees no harm in attempting to kill you in order to secure your inheritance." Snape stopped and raised an eyebrow. "Do correct me if I am wrong, though."

I nodded, chewing my lip.

"You then spend some time isolated from the other students because the Defence Against the Darks Arts teacher is utterly moronic, like the man she answers to. It is here that you decide to sleepwalk and I am introduced to the wondrous puddle dream. Feeling adventurous and knowing perfectly well that it would displease me, you decide to investigate some kind of inkling you had regarding your dream. In very strange circumstances, you learn your true identity through the discovery of your mother, who is trapped between the living and the dead." Snape paused again. "Do I have it right so far?"

I nodded, blinking the tears away again.

"And then, when you think the situation couldn't get anymore bizarre, I catch you out-of-bounds and we discover that we are in fact related. This state of affairs stems towards the downright ridiculous when our father hears of your existence and consequently demands the right to have control of you. He fails, however, and has to settle for joint-custody and meanwhile you have to be trained by me in defence skills so that you may have a chance of coping with life as Aurelius Snape's daughter." Snape shook his head. "Dear me, child, this sounds a bit dramatic, doesn't it?"

I swallowed, trying to push down the lump in my throat. I wanted to tell him to stop, I had heard enough. I wanted to look away and think about something else. But Snape's black eyes were gazing at me so fixedly that I couldn't look away.

"But the saga continues, and so we have to prepare for what is to come," said Snape, softly. He leaned forward slightly. "Quite a lot has happened in your life within a very short space of time, wouldn't you agree?"

I gave a small nod.

"A little too much to simply push into the back of your mind and ignore?"

I nodded again.

"You secretly grieve for Merle and the mother you never met in humane form?"

I nodded, wiping away a tear.

"You are overwhelmed by the memory of Shar attacking you?"

Another small nod.

"You are terrified about going to stay with Father?"

I barely even needed to nod now. Snape already knew the answer. I wanted him to stop. I wanted him to leave so I could cry alone, by myself.

"And finally," Snape said, his voice low and his expression unreadable, "you are petrified that you'll be left alone to face things by yourself. You fear that I will go back on my word and leave you out in the cold if you do anything to displease me." It wasn't a question. Snape really thought this. But this time, I didn't agree. My heart told me something different.

"No," I whispered, my eyes watering.

Snape narrowed his eyes. "Oh, no?" he whispered.

"I do fear being left by myself," I whispered. "But I fear it happening by something out of your control."

Snape leaned back again, a brief look of surprise on his face. A moment later, I wondered if I had imagined it, for his face resumed its usual stern look.

"Armilla, listen carefully," he said, watching me closely. "Your grief for Merle is not something you need hide from me. I've known it was there inside you since I was caring for you in the Secret Wing."

I nodded.

"Furthermore," he continued, sneering slightly, "you can rest assured knowing that...Shar...will not be coming near you again."

I had a feeling that Snape had chosen to name the man rather than call him something he considered offensive to my ears.

"Only time and...moving on will help you get through this particular hardship. But getting through it will become easier once you have admitted you cannot do it by yourself." Snape paused, shooting me a significant look.

"As for our dear Father," he went on, his face hardening with suppressed fury, "I know it will not be an easy time for you, but I will give you my word that I will do everything in my power to help you get through any obstacle you might face."

"Have you been through those obstacles?" I whispered, shuddering.

Snape's eyes flashed and he stared above my head at the bed head for a moment.

"I have certainly faced obstacles," he said, his voice waspish, "but it remains to be seen how similar your obstacles will be."

I swallowed again, willing the growing lump in it to go down.

"Which brings me to the most important point I want to stress upon you," he sneered, leaning forward slightly again. "What you saw in your dream regarding me was pure rot. I told you last night that I would not give you up. There are no conditions, Armilla. If you do something to displease me, however angry I may get does not point to me wishing you would...now how did I say it in your dream?...ah, I believe it was get out."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

He waved a hand aside, shaking his head. "This is my final word on the subject, Armilla," he said, his eyes narrowed. "You may do something in future that might warrant a year's worth of detentions, but no matter what you do, it will not be punished by me disowning you." He looked slightly angry as he reached out and closed his hand around my left wrist and bracelet. Instantly, incredible warmth spread through my body.

"I am dead serious about this, Armilla," said Snape, his face hard. "Assure me you understand it and we will say no more about it."

"I understand," I whispered, tears in my eyes.

"Good," he said, curtly, releasing my wrist.

"But I was never intending to make you angry before," I said, my voice wavering. "I was only asking you about that headache charm so you could teach me how to do it. I wasn't going to try it on myself without asking you...I'm not stupid."

"I know you're not stupid," Snape scoffed. He considered me for a moment. "I was still angry with you for not telling me that you even had a headache. I expect you to tell me things like that without me having to ask."

"I will tell you," I said quietly, looking up at him. "I just have trouble sometimes seeing you as my brother...instead of..." I paused, trying to figure out how to word my thoughts without offending the man. However, Snape completed my sentence for me.

"The formidable Head of Slytherin?" He had a grim smile.

Despite my tears, I managed a small smile. "You said it, not me."

"Ah, and I take full responsibility for my words, I assure you," he replied, his eyes narrowed. "But you might do well to remember that up until now, I have not had another person to care for. My students do not count. Had you been a Slytherin I might have understood you a little better, as I have greater insights into the workings of a Slytherin mind." He paused, sneering slightly. "However, I do not regret that my sister is a Ravenclaw. Of course you would have read up on Headache charms before asking me, I believe that trait especially is a part of the uniform Ravenclaw disposition."

I nodded.

"I certainly took you by surprise, bringing you here," he said, leaning back again. "Tell me, why do you think I brought you here all of a sudden, without planning it first?"

His question caught me by surprise. Thinking about what Snape had just been stressing to me, it didn't take long to work it out.

"To prove that I have a home with you," I murmured.

Snape gave a small nod, his expression still stern. "'I took you out of the school environment to show you that your life's path does include a home. You may never consider Father's house a home. But for now, you have three homes, Armilla. The first is Ravenclaw Tower, where you spend the majority of your nights. The second is my quarters at Hogwarts. You do have a bedroom there now so it is just as much your home as it is mine while at school. And the third of course, is here."

I stared up at him, my eyes still full of tears.

"Thankyou," I whispered.

He scoffed. "Do not thank me for providing a home for you."

"No," I said, quietly, my voice wavering again. "Thankyou for staying."

He smirked. "Well, I wasn't going to leave you to sleep at the foot of the bed...but you are learning I see - you remembered to take your shoes off tonight."

"I always take my shoes off," I mumbled, wiping away a tear.

"I must admit I was rather disappointed that your dream didn't feature a runaway puddle," he sneered. "However, wrestling with a sleeping fifteen-year-old will no doubt be a lasting memory."

"I'm sorry," I said, quickly. "I thought it was Shar..."

Snape glared at me. "Ah, hence your violent attitude towards me. I suppose those circumstances warrant my forgiveness," he said. He fixed me with a piercing look. "I hope to never appear in your dreams in that way again," he added snidely.

I shook my head, shuddering. "No" I whispered.

"Well, I think it is well past time to sleep," he said. "We have things to do tomorrow and I am not a supporter of the Sunday lie-in."

He made no move to leave.

"Close your eyes," he instructed.

I closed my eyes, and my mind welcomed the darkness. I felt Snape take hold of my right hand. He started reciting a charm softly under his breath, the charm sounding slightly melodic. I felt my body relaxing, welcoming whatever charm he was performing. As sleep started to overtake me, I let my last tear fall. Too tired, I didn't bother brushing it away.

But it didn't matter; my brother's warm hand wiped it away for me.