Armilla II

Chapter 11

I barely registered my internal horror at just having slammed the door on my brother. I raced down the corridor, down the stairs and into my bedroom. The annoying thing about living here was that there were limited places to escape to; sooner or later Severus would find me, so I just settled on waiting it out in my bedroom.

I closed the door of my bedroom quietly and leaned against it, trying to catch my breath. Oh no...what on earth had I just done?

You know perfectly well, my mind said smugly. You told Severus exactly what you thought. Hurrah!

"Hurrah, indeed," I said dourly, ignoring the fact that I sounded like my brother. Was telling Severus exactly what I thought worth the trouble that I would be in as a result? Severus was furious. He had been mad at me before, but he had never looked so furiously at me as he had just done.

The strange thing was, though I was feeling worried about the next time I would see Severus, I wasn't feeling particularly bad about what had happened. It was not my fault. Okay, true, I had attacked him. Oh Merlin, I had attacked Severus! But he had asked for it.

Yeah, sure, justify it that way. That's mature. I could imagine Severus asking me later on why I had attacked him. I was sure "You asked for it" would not be taken well.

As my breaths became slower, I became focused on listening for the sound of footsteps.

I had been sure that Severus would come storming after me, but I couldn't hear a thing. Good. I didn't want him coming anywhere near me at the moment. I was so angry with him. I didn't care that he was tired. I didn't care that Harry irritated him. I did care that he had no qualms about using me as a means for letting suppressed steam out. I was not a punching bag and I wouldn't mind telling him so.

I sighed, moving back from the door. I sat down heavily on my bed and put my face in my hands, wincing at the throbbing pain in the back of my head from where it had hit the wall. I didn't think Severus even realised that he had been using me as a punching bag. The way he saw it, my shield had failed from a lack of focus. I had completely overreacted in his eyes.

Had I? No, Severus had delivered his hexes with far too much strength. He had insisted on starting a lesson even though he had clearly been angry. I had had every right to want to end the lesson. I had been hurt unnecessarily. I didn't want to engage in any sort of duelling with Severus if he wasn't calm. He certainly hadn't been calm.

See? I was perfectly within my rights to be angry...

Why was I feeling so guilty then?

Poor Severus. He's under so much pressure with the Dark Lord and Dumbledore. Having Harry to deal with as well doesn't help. You should really be there to support him, not hex him.

But I was angry. I wasn't there to be snapped at and hexed. I sighed, reaching up to rub the back of my head. I wasn't about to go and say I was sorry. Yes, I felt bad about what had just happened, but I was not sorry. I hoped Severus wasn't going to storm in any time soon. I did not want to talk to him at the moment. The very thought of his angry face made me fume.

So why did I feel simply awful?

o o o o o o o o o o o

I sat fuming in my bedroom for a couple of hours. Morag seemed to feel the anger in the room; she reflected my anger by turning bright red, but it did nothing to soothe me. I felt really horrible and not just because of the pain in my head. I felt extremely angry and extremely miserable at the same time. I was furious with Severus and yet I hated the idea of him being angry with me. I always felt insecure when I knew Severus was angry with me.

I had heard more than one pair of footsteps pass my door, but thankfully, Severus had not decided to pay me a visit. As dinner approached, I suddenly realised how thirsty I was. I got up with a sigh, laying aside the books I had tried to distract myself with to no avail, and headed for the door.

It seemed all bad luck was with me today. As I stepped out into the corridor I caught sight of Severus near the stairs I wanted to descend, talking to Kreacher. Seeing my brother brought a wave of anger through me. I did not want to talk to him.

He had already seen me, but he turned his attention back to Kreacher. Fine. I decided to head down to the kitchen anyway, even if it did mean that I would have to pass him. He dismissed Kreacher as I got closer and the elf disappeared down the stairs. Severus watched him go, his back to me.

As I passed Severus, his hand reached out and closed tightly around my wrist, preventing me from leaving his company, as I very much wished to right now. I looked up at him, wanting nothing more at the moment than to yank my hand back. I had been daring enough before, why couldn't I be now? His black eyes were narrowed as he looked down at me, his face set in a deep scowl. He was still angry then. Good. So was I.

"Let go," I said quietly, pulling slightly where he held me.

Something flickered in his eyes and his grip lessened, but he didn't let go. "Does your head still hurt?" he asked in a low voice.

"It doesn't matter," I said irritably, trying, albeit half-heartedly now, to pull away.

"Does your head still hurt?" he said acidly, glowering at me.

"Of course it does," I replied coldly, "it had a run-in with a wall."

His eyes flashed. "I will not tolerate this, Armilla," he hissed furiously. "I don't know what has gotten into you today, but this behaviour is to stop at once." He glared at me. "Do you understand me?"

I looked moodily back at him. "Yes," I said begrudgingly.

He sneered. "You're behaving like a child."

I didn't answer. I knew I was being juvenile. In fact, I was embarrassed at how I was behaving, but something inside me had snapped and I couldn't seem to coax the bad attitude into staying away. I settled for looking indifferently back at him.

Severus swung on his heel. "Come," he ordered in a hard voice, walking in the opposite direction.

I followed slowly behind, wishing I could make a run for it.

We passed my bedroom and I was surprised that we went into Severus' bedroom instead. It wasn't too different from mine except for the large four-poster instead of three single beds. It was just as old-fashioned and the walls were just as faded.

Severus pointed a long finger at his bed. "Sit," he instructed coldly.

I sat, starting to feel a little sick to the stomach. I had felt so powerful just now, showing an attitude to him. Now I just felt plain stupid.

I wasn't about to apologise; I was still far too angry with what had happened in the library. All the same I was a little ashamed of myself. The tears from earlier before sprang up out of nowhere in my frustration with the situation. I hastily tried to remove them while Severus' back was turned. He was rummaging through a wooden box on the dresser, clearly looking for a potion.

I wiped my face one last time as he turned around, a small bottle in his hand. If he noticed my red eyes, he didn't say anything. Instead he uncorked the bottle and held it out to me. "Drink this," he ordered, his voice void of all emotion.

I shakily reached out for it and downed the potion, trying not to grimace at the taste. The throbbing at the back of my head was replaced with a dull ache that I barely noticed. Severus immediately took the empty bottle from me and put it away. Again, while his back was turned, I wiped my eyes. As he turned back, he suddenly clutched his left arm.

Oh no. I could never get used to Severus being called.

I blinked back new tears as I watched Severus compose himself. He pointed to the door, not looking at me. "Out. I need to contact the Headmaster."

I got up and left without a backwards glance. I went shakily back to my bedroom. I felt horrible. My headache was gone, but now I just felt plain sick. I was always worried when Severus was called, but because I was angry, it somehow made things seem worse.

I had only been there a few minutes when I heard the front door open and close. Surely Severus hadn't left without saying goodbye? A moment later I breathed out a sigh of relief when I heard Tonks' voice drift upstairs. I was surprised at her prompt appearance. Dumbledore had really meant it when he had assured Severus of immediate assistance should he be called.

There came a sharp knock at the door. I got up and opened it to find Severus standing there wearing his travelling cloak. His face seemed more strained than angry.

"Nymphadora is downstairs with Potter," he said shortly. "She'll stay until I get back. Make sure you eat dinner." He turned and stalked down the corridor, his cloak billowing out behind him.

I stepped out into the corridor, feeling worse than ever. "Severus," I called.

He turned around at the stairs, looking blankly back at me. "Yes?" he said curtly.

What did I want to say? Why had I called him? To say sorry? No. I was not sorry. Far from it. I was furious with him. I was even more angry with him for being angry with me. I felt horrible all the same. I didn't want him to go.

"What is it, Armilla?" he said sharply, looking very irritated.

I shook my head. "Nothing," I said softly, biting my lip. I had nothing to say except to plead him not to go, which was far from helpful.

He narrowed his eyes, turned and disappeared down the stairs without a backwards glance.

And I went back to my room to wallow in a mixture of angry, miserable and thoroughly frustrated tears.

o o o o o o o o o o o

I did decide to go down for dinner, but only for Tonks' sake. She had knocked on my door about ten minutes after Severus had left, but I had told her from the other side of the door that I was changing and would meet her downstairs for dinner. The truth was, I didn't want her to see my red eyes. She would want an explanation and I would feel guilty if I didn't provide one.

I was worried sick about how I had left things with Severus. Or how he left things with you, my mind pointed out. Either way, I felt physically sick at the thought of him seeing You-Know-Who. I always did, but this time it was worse.

As usual, because I was already emotional, my mind decided to play mind games just to get in the spirit of things. It kept bringing up the dreaded, but very possible thought that I always pushed to the back of my mind. What if Severus didn't come back?

I knew it was stupid to dwell on such a thought. It would get me nowhere. It just seemed my mind insisted on making the situation feel worse for the sake of it.

I went down to the kitchen at dinnertime to find Tonks and Harry already at the table. Tonks' hair was the mousy brown colour I had seen before and it didn't suit her at all. Perhaps I was just used to the vibrant colours she usually favoured.

They both turned as I entered the room. It was obvious that Tonks' usual exuberance seemed lacking. She gave me a small smile.

"Wotcha, Armilla," said, as I sat down at the table. I felt very aware of the empty seat next to me that Severus usually occupied.

"Hi, Tonks," I said, trying to sound cheerful.

Harry didn't look anywhere near what I would describe as cheerful, though he was finally having a meal without Severus' presence. He looked absolutely exhausted. He looked at me as well, nodding slightly to acknowledge my presence. Well, that was a start in comparison to the way he had snapped at me earlier in the day. I supposed giving him Sirius' mirror was a good thing after all.

"How are things?" Tonks asked, picking up her knife and fork.

"Fine," I said simply, picking mine up too. "You?"

"Well enough," she said quietly. "I suppose we're all a little tired at the moment."

I nodded, looking at Harry. He nodded too before looking down at his dinner.

"I've been asking Harry about what it's like living here with the Snapes," Tonks said, giving me a smile.

"It sounds strange when you put it like that," I said, smiling back. The smile didn't last long; my eyes caught sight of the empty chair next to me again and I was reminded of where my brother was at that moment. "I'm sure Harry gave you a raving review," I said dryly, glancing at Harry.

"I never expected Harry to enjoy this," Tonks stated, looking from Harry to me. She frowned slightly. "And I didn't expect you to enjoy it either."

"Enjoy it?" Harry repeated, staring at Tonks. He turned back to me, a strange expression on his face. "I'm really sorry for implying you've had an easy time here, Armilla," he said sincerely. "I can see now that you would never have an easy time living with that git."

"Harry!" said Tonks, looking annoyed.

"I'm not being rude, I'm serious," Harry said impatiently. "Look, Armilla, I'm sorry, okay? I reckon you must have all the strength in the world to put up with that man day in, day out." He smiled slightly. "It must be hard being related to a man like him. And I reckon you do a pretty good job of keeping up appearances."

"Do you?" I said dryly, feeling annoyed. Yes, I was furious with my brother at the moment, but I hated it when I was put through conversations like these. Severus was not hard to put up with. He was the reason that my life was much easier than it could be. I loved my brother more than anyone in the world. I hated that I couldn't defend my brother to Harry. Severus would not approve. Keeping up appearances indeed.

I felt even worse now, thinking about how much I loved my brother. I could love him and be angry with him. It seemed to hurt more when you were furious with someone you loved.

o o o o o o o o o o

Dinner had ended up being a rather quiet affair. Tonks had tried to keep the conversation spirited, but none of us had really had our hearts in it.

I had excused myself as soon as possible, having eaten very little, and made my way back up to my room. I tried to distract myself with doing some homework, but I found it very difficult.

I walked up to the library in search of an encyclopaedia for one of my research projects. I only really wanted to walk up to the library to get out of my room for a while. My mind wasn't focused enough on my work. Why wasn't Severus back yet?

I entered the library, my heart feeling like it was somewhere around my toes. I approached the cabinet that held the encyclopaedias, wishing that I could see Severus. Not talk to him. Just see him. I was still too mad to talk to him.

I opened the cabinet and got down on my knees to search for the right encyclopaedia. Locating it, I saw that I would have to move about five books out of the way in order to retrieve it. It seemed wedged in. I reached in pulled out a pile of books. As I pulled them out, I heard a movement from the darkness behind the books. A moment later, my brother loomed out of the space in the cabinet. He grew to his usual size and then collapsed on the floor next to me, clearly dead.

Though my rational mind clicked fairly quickly as to what it was, it didn't stop me from letting out a petrified yelp. I had found a Severus-shaped boggart at school earlier in the year; I hadn't coped well with it then and I certainly didn't appreciate viewing a dead Severus-boggart now.

My heart thumped as I stared down at the pale face, the black, empty eyes staring dully up at me. My emotional side set in as my mind shouted that this could very well happen. Severus was a double agent. He was frequently in the company of the Dark Lord and Death Eaters. He was with them at that moment. What if this really happened one day?

I wiped away the stupid tears, arguing with myself that this was no time to dwell on Severus' dangerous role. I knew Severus would be annoyed if he saw me. He would curtly enquire as to why I hadn't banished it yet. But how could I turn this into something amusing?

I wiped my eyes, racking my brain to think of something amusing. I couldn't help it; it was difficult to turn a dead Severus into something amusing.

I heard footsteps coming down the corridor and a moment later Harry appeared in the room. He stopped short at the sight of me, hunched over my dead boggart brother.

"It's a boggart," I said quietly. How uncomfortable.

"I...a boggart," Harry repeated dumbly, looking from the boggart to me. He looked stricken, clearly regretting have come into the room.

"I'm sure you know what a boggart is," I said tetchily, swallowing the rather large lump in my throat.

"Of course, I do," he said wearily. "I just didn't realise..."

"What?" I snapped. "That my boggart could be the dead body of one of the people you hate most in the world?"

Harry took a step back, looking like he'd been slapped. "I...well..."

"Of course, you didn't," I said angrily, standing up.

Harry stared at me, clearly not knowing what to say.

"Forget it," I said, waving a hand aside. I looked back down at the boggart. It was so...real. My heart clenched at the sight. The black eyes sent a chill down my spine. I tried to swallow the lump again. Why wasn't Severus back yet?

"I suppose we should get rid of it," Harry said finally.

"You think?" I snapped, glaring at him. It wasn't his fault, but I felt even angrier with him now because of what he had said at dinner. This was proof to him that living with Severus was far from a putting up with him situation. From the look on Harry's face, the thought clearly disturbed him.

We were silent, staring down at the boggart. Harry was too far away for the boggart to change to his worst fear instead.

"Are you going to get rid of it?" Harry asked.

I nodded. "It's a matter of how," I said quietly. I didn't know how to make my brother's dead form amusing.

Harry nodded. "No idea."

I turned to him. "Would you...wait outside then? I'd rather..." Though it wasn't really Severus, I didn't want Harry to witness me getting rid of it. Having a dead Severus suddenly become amusing was not something I wanted to show Harry.

He nodded. "Sure, I'll wait outside." He turned and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

I turned back to the boggart, wondering what to do. I took out my wand. How could this be turned into something amusing?

I smiled as I heard Severus' voice in my head. Oh just get on with it, would you? I'm finding this whole ordeal rather tedious.

I stared down at him, imagining him just rolling his eyes at the whole affair. I laughed to myself as I was reminded of one of my favourite quotes.

Dying is a very dull and dreary affair. My advice to you would be to have nothing to do with it.

I took out my wand, knowing exactly what I wanted to do. It was an acquired humour, I supposed, which would not be appreciated by those who did not know Severus well. If I thought it was funny, it was all I could do to dispose of the boggart.

I concentrated on the image in my mind. My boggart wasn't really about to change form, but it was about to get more amusing.

"Riddikulus!"

The boggart's lifeless eyes suddenly blinked and then focused more steadily on me. His lip curled and his eyes narrowed; all in all, he looked rather fed up with his situation.

I started to laugh, concentrating on what it was that I found so funny. Never mind that this felt really strange.

The Severus-boggart rolled his eyes as he stood up. He folded his arms and tapped his foot on the ground, clearly impatient for this whole thing to end. I found it amusing because it was how I would imagine Severus would feel about a boggart. I continued to laugh as it seemed to let out a long self-suffering sigh. My amusement seemed well served, for not long after, it vanished with a puff of smoke.

I let out a sigh of relief, watching the smoke fade away. It seemed that as the boggart vanished, a sense of emptiness returned to me. Severus wasn't back yet. Where was he?

I waved my wand again to open the door. Harry was leaning against the opposite wall out in the corridor. He slowly walked in, looking a little unsure of himself.

"Not that I want to know," he said slowly, "but I've been racking my brains trying to come up with something amusing for your boggart."

I looked over at him. "And?"

He shook his head. "Zilch."

We were silent. I stared down at the spot where the Severus-boggart had just vanished from.

Harry ran a hand through his messy hair, looking nervous. "I feel like an idiot," he admitted.

I frowned, turning to him. He felt like an idiot? I just felt uncomfortable because he had seen my boggart. "Do you?"

He nodded. "After saying that stuff at dinner about you putting up with Snape," he said. "And now this," he gestured to where the boggart had been.

"Would you rather I obliviate you?" I said, smiling slightly as I raised my wand.

"No!" he said. "Put your wand down."

I rolled my eyes. "I wasn't being serious, Harry."

Harry sat down in one of the chairs, still looking uncomfortable. "It's just that...well," he stammered, "I never realised that you would ever...I mean, you were just one of us last year."

"Ever articulate," I drawled.

Now he rolled his eyes. "Can't deny he's rubbed off on you though," he said pointedly. "Look, I'm just saying that I feel like an idiot because I assumed that living with Snape would be a real trial. I had no idea that you felt strongly enough about him to have...that...be your boggart."

I stared at him for a moment. "Life's full of surprises," I said evenly.

His lips twitched. "Touché," he said finally.

"How hard do you try at whatever you're doing with Severus?" I asked quietly.

He winced slightly at my calling my brother by his first name. "I do try," he said resentfully. "Not that Snape appreciates it. We spend a lot of time arguing actually."

"Can it be avoided?" I said softly, "or is there a part of you that enjoys it?"

Harry stared at me, clearly taken aback by my bluntness. "I don't know," he muttered.

"The sooner you learn this, the sooner we can all go home," I said.

Harry folded his arms. "Snape's not innocent, you know," he said bitterly. "He starts things too."

"I didn't say he doesn't," I said simply. "I'm just pointing out to you that I'm sure we'd all like go home sooner rather than later. If that means determination of a different sort, then so be it."

Harry didn't answer. We were silent again. A full minute must have passed before Harry spoke again.

"I'm glad you gave to mirror to me," he said quietly. "It doesn't really help me, of course, but I...thanks. I really appreciated it."

o o o o o o o o o o

Severus still hadn't returned by nine o'clock. Tonks, Harry and I had attempted to play each other in an old game of Wizards Chess, but none of us were good enough at it or competitive enough to really care.

My mind was very much preoccupied anyway. I had taken to occluding most of the night in front of Harry and Tonks to keep from having to swallow the large lump in my throat. My worry about Severus' return or lack thereof was driving me crazy. Having him angry at me and still being angry at him myself didn't help things. By the time I excused myself and went up to bed I was a nervous wreck hiding under the art of Occlumency.

I went to bed shortly after nine, but couldn't get to sleep. My mind kept repeating all the events of the day, trying to rationalise the way I had spoken to Severus. It seemed my passion for my anger kept weakening without my notice. Every time I replayed the scene from the library with him in my mind, it did gain some strength, but then when I was wondering if he was alive at that moment, it was hard to hold onto it.

Was he alive? Don't be ridiculous, of course he's alive. You don't know that! Anything could happen with a role like his. What if he had been found out and tortured to death, having died knowing that his sister had spoken so horribly to him? Of course he's alive, and you have every right to be furious with him. He treated you badly.

I tossed and turned for a few hours, my thoughts growing more anxious as the minutes passed. Severus should have been back by now. I didn't bother swallowing the lump this time. It had grown far too large. Where was he?

I felt silly crying about it; but at this stage of the night when I was so frustrated, insecure and angry with my brother who should have been home by now, there was nothing for it. I felt like throwing things. I felt like punching something myself. I closed my eyes, hoping sleep would take me and that Severus would be there when I woke up, healthy and sneering as usual. Then I could be angry with him to my heart's content.

I sobbed into my pillow, drifting in and out of sleep. Repeatedly, I threw my blankets off, far too hot to have them on, only to wake up after what seemed like mere minutes of sleep to find myself cold and needing the fetch them again.

At one point I heard footsteps pass my door. They seemed too heavy to be Tonks' footsteps and it was with a pang of joy that I realised that Severus must be home. The footsteps didn't linger outside my door, however; they moved on down the corridor. Moments later I heard a door opening and closing, which meant Severus must have gone into his bedroom.

My sobs renewed themselves when my mind insisted that Severus wasn't coming in as he usually did because he was still so furious with me. I had spoken rather rudely to him. I was angry, yes, but I had still been rude. All I wanted right now was to pretend it all hadn't happened. Severus would open my door as usual and check if I was all right. I knew he wasn't about to come in tonight. I deserved no such attention.

My head started to ache once more, which was my own fault considering that I was far too concerned with showing my pillow how far in the depths of despair I was, rather than doing to sensible thing by trying to sleep.

I didn't know how long I remained this way; it seemed it was easy to lose all track of time when lost in bouts of ridiculous emotion.

I didn't hear Severus come in. One moment I was crying into my pillow like the juvenile idiot I was and the next moment I saw Severus' arms reaching down to me. When I saw him, I was filled with a flood of different emotions. Love. Relief. Frustration. Security. Anger. I was still angry with him, but I wanted him there just the same. My anger came through as he reached down under my arms.

"Don't," I sobbed, trying to push his arms away.

He completely ignored me. He lifted me so he could slide under where I'd been laying and he leaned back against the pillows with me leaning against his chest. My protests and attempts to push him away quickly became forfeit when he wrapped his arms tightly around me. Damn strong man.

"Severus," I murmured, through awful sobbing noises. I wasn't sure what to say. I was happy he was here with me, but I was still terribly angry at him. They were such confusing thoughts to have in my head at the same time.

"Hush," he said in a low voice. "One o'clock in the morning is not a fitting time to be having the discussion you and I will be having."

I tried to stifle another sob and became rather embarrassed that I didn't come close to succeeding. You Baby.

"Breathe, you silly girl," Severus chided, feeling my forehead. His hand felt so cool on my face. "Take deep breaths."

Merlin, I was the biggest sixteen-year-old baby. I was so embarrassed that I was doing this. I wondered if Severus was now thinking that Harry was easier to handle after all. Severus didn't need this. He had enough on his plate. I could be angry at him and not cry about it, couldn't I?

I took a shuddering breath and ended up coughing instead. Severus remained determinedly silent. He kept his cool hand, though starting to turn warm now, on my forehead, while his other hand held me tightly against his chest.

Slowly, my embarrassing sobs turned to small shudders. I reached up to wipe my eyes. My face felt so hot. Fantastic. I was now qualified in the Art of Hysterics. You idiot, Armilla. Once again you fail to act your age.

My anger at myself, to my annoyance, led to new tears.

Severus still didn't say anything, and I wasn't sure whether this was a good thing or not. Either he was too tired or too angry with me still to speak. Or both.

My tears finally subsided and I was left with small, shaky breaths. Severus finally moved his hand from my forehead and kissed me there instead.

"Go to sleep," he murmured, wrapping both his arms around me. "Put your mental shield up and block the multitude of thoughts that I've no doubt are swarming through your head at the moment."

I closed my eyes, my breaths finally returning to normal. Severus started lightly rubbing my back. I was too old to be held like this. I was too old for this whole scene. But, a childish voice in my head said, as long as I didn't dwell on the fact that I was too old, the truth was, I liked it. I frowned as I drifted in and out of sleep, my mind caught up in these thoughts. One single thought kept coming back to haunt me: You idiot, Armilla.

o o o o o o o o o o

I awoke very early the next morning feeling far from rested. My head ached and as conscious thought came back to me and I recalled what had happened during the night, I put my pillow over my head in embarrassment.

Armilla, you complete idiot. I bet Severus feels like he has a five-year-old on his hands now. You'd never know that you'll be an adult on your next birthday.

I groaned into my pillow, wishing I could just erase the whole of yesterday.

At least Severus had come home; I hoped he was all right; he never told me when he wasn't all right, particularly after being called by the You-Know-Who.

I crawled out of bed, though I wished for nothing more than to stay there, and headed for the bathroom. I spent a long time in the shower, trying to dull my aching head and replaying last night in my mind. Had Severus been angry still? I couldn't tell. He would no doubt have been tired. He wouldn't have come in and stayed like that if he had been angry though, would he?

Would he?

I had been furious with him, even when he had come in. I hadn't wanted him to hug me, just to know that he was there was enough. It was perfectly rational that he would have stayed with me even if he was angry. If I was still angry then no doubt he was too.

I emerged from the bathroom after spending much longer in there than necessary. I dressed, made my bed and then sat down on it to wand-dry my hair.

Severus came in just as I finishing braiding it. He stopped short at the door, clearly having anticipated that I would still be in bed. It seemed that living at Grimmauld Place had turned me into an early riser. It was not quite seven o'clock yet and I had been up for a while.

I watched as Severus silently moved further into the room and sat down on my bed next to me. He looked even more tired than I felt, which was saying something. He didn't look angry, but the frown on his face told me he hadn't come in for a happy chat.

I didn't say anything. I merely met his gaze, waiting for him to speak.

He reached into his robes and pulled out a potion I recognised as a headache reliever. He held it out to me.

I took it, giving him a questioning look.

"I assumed you would have need for it," he said simply.

I certainly did. My embarrassment skyrocketed. What he meant to say that I had been such an idiot with unnecessary weeping the night before that a headache potion would no doubt be in order.

"Thankyou," I murmured. I drank the potion and then stared down at the empty bottle, feeling the pain dull into nothingness.

Severus reached out and took the tiny bottle from my hand. "Look at me, Armilla."

I looked up, dreading the reprimand that I had been waiting for since yesterday. Severus' black eyes were fixed on mine.

"Your behaviour yesterday was inexcusable," he said quietly.

I said nothing. I merely waited for the rest.

He sighed. "...as was mine."

I bit my lip. I didn't know what to say to that. Was Severus admitting to having been at fault? Well, partly at fault?

"I had not seen such attitude from you since you were merely a student of mine," he continued, frowning at me. "While I was not at all pleased with such a display, I was forced to point out to myself that it was an unusual occurrence and therefore must have happened for a significant reason."

I shifted uncomfortably.

He spoke slowly and deliberately, his eyes never leaving mine. "Something must have snapped inside you to induce you to speak in such a way." He narrowed his eyes slightly. "Am I correct?"

"Yes," I said softly.

He nodded curtly. "I thought as such. It led me to analyse the entire situation and I was forced to arrive at the unhappy thought that I hold my own portion of blame here."

I said nothing. It was so rare to hear Severus admitting to fault. I found it unnerving and I didn't know what to say. If I heartily agreed then I would no doubt sound impertinent.

"I shouldn't have been so forceful with the duelling, Armilla," he said softly, his voice in direct contrast to the intense, agitated look on his face. "I focussed my anger in the wrong direction and you suffered as a result." He paused, his face softening slightly. "I apologise."

I nodded. "I'm sorry I hexed you," I whispered.

He looked sternly at me, "You were out of line, but I no doubt deserved it." He narrowed his eyes. "That said, I don't ever want to see a repeat of such conduct from you."

I nodded. Could I request that I didn't want to be used as a punching bag again?

"Your attitude thereafter was completely unacceptable," he continued, gazing sternly at me. "Not only was your attitude downright petulant, it was far below the standard of conduct I expect from you, not as my student, but as the child for whom I assume parental responsibility."

I looked down at my hands. He certainly had a way of making me feel small.

"I was not at all impressed with the way you spoke," he went on, "but I would brand myself a hypocrite if I was to punish you for it. After all, I spoke to you in a manner I am much ashamed of."

I appreciated him saying that, but didn't I have a right to say what I felt about this too?

"I know there's no excuse for what happened yesterday," I said slowly, staring at my hands, "I know I snapped. I didn't want to duel with you yesterday. Things had just been building up. I snapped."

Severus shook his head. "You should have come to me then."

I shook my head, looking back at him. "That's just it," I said earnestly. "I can come to you at home, but I don't feel comfortable approaching you here...and I don't want duelling lessons with you here either."

He frowned. "What difference does it make whether you come to me here or at home?"

I was silent. It wasn't so much the location...

"Armilla?"

"...you," I said finally.

He frowned. "Elaborate."

"You're...different here," I said, feeling uncomfortable.

He narrowed his eyes. "Do I need to define elaborate for you?"

"Like that," I said, feeling irritated, "saying things like that. It reminds me of when..." I trailed off, feeling the anger inside me rising again. I sighed. "It makes me feel stupid."

He shook his head. "Don't be absurd, Armilla. I know you are not stupid and I would not imply it."

"Having to define elaborate makes me feel stupid," I muttered.

He sneered. "Pardon me. I believed you would detect the sarcasm behind my words."

"I know you were being sarcastic," I said heatedly. "I just didn't appreciate it."

"Evidently," he said dryly. He stood up and began to pace slowly. "Please explain clearly what differences you have noted that have resulted in your newfound reluctance to confide in me and your willingness to halt lessons here." He spoke a little too politely.

I suppressed an urge to glare at him. Now I felt mocked.

"It's not your fault that I don't see you very often without Harry present," I began slowly, thinking very hard about my choice of words. "Because of that, I only see the teacher side...the way I used to see you. I want you to be Severus when you're with me, not Professor Snape. I don't want you to only want to see me because you've had enough of Harry and want to duel."

He stopped his pacing and stared at me, a strange expression on his face. He actually looked...uncomfortable. It was a feeling I so rarely saw in my brother that it took me a moment to identify it as discomfort.

After a moment he broke his gaze and began to pace again. "I suppose in a way you've just cemented the true nature of our relationship," he said quietly.

I stared at him, confused. "What do you mean?"

He stopped pacing again to look at me. Though he fixed his black eyes on me steadily, his expression remained troubled. "You've just asked me to only be Severus when I'm in your company," he said softly.

I nodded, having no idea where he was going with this. His uneasiness was starting to disturb me.

"Very few people would see a difference between Professor Snape and Severus," he remarked, folding his arms.

"I do," I said quietly. "One's my teacher and one's my brother and they're very different."

He looked away, his eyes focusing on the wall instead. "I have not changed towards you during Potions," he said, frowning slightly. "It doesn't seem to bother you then."

"It doesn't," I replied, "only because I know I'll go home to a different person at the end of the day."

He looked over at me, a haunted look on his face.

"It bothers me here," I continued, pushing the lump in my throat away, "because I don't feel comfortable when I only see you as the teacher. I prefer my brother's company."

The troubled expression remained on his face as he regarded me through slightly narrowed eyes. Eventually he moved forward and sat down next to me on the bed again with a huge sigh.

We sat in silence. I was still contemplating what he meant by me cementing the nature of our true relationship. Did that mean he had been offended by what I said? I had pretty much made it clear that I saw two people inside him. I hadn't really said he was two-faced, but Professor Snape and Severus were different people to me, and had been for quite some time.

Severus sighed once again. "I don't like it when I do things that I'm scarcely aware of," he said finally. "I like to account for everything I do." He looked over at me. "You would think that I wouldn't miss the more obvious things I do."

I said nothing. I waited for him to elaborate. He seemed too caught up in his thoughts at the moment, which wasn't like him; he normally prided himself on being articulate and precise at all times.

"When I think back to what our relationship was like last October," he said quietly, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "I can certainly see a difference. However..." he paused, looking over at me again, "however, the relationship did change over that time and I'm barely aware of how it happened."

"It just did," I said thoughtfully. "I'm glad it did," I added as an afterthought.

He nodded. "I don't regret what our relationship is, Armilla, I'm merely saying that I don't recall when I allowed myself to become Severus to you and not Professor Snape. Telling you to call me by my first name doesn't count." He grimaced. "To be perfectly honest, I was so uncomfortable about the whole situation initially that I never intended on changing the nature of our relationship. In the early days I was perfectly happy to remain in the teacher role, even as your brother."

I appreciated his honestly, but I wasn't surprised. Severus had made it very clear in the early days that he was not at all happy with the situation.

"The point I am making," he said finally, "very inarticulately, is, that by your admission of seeing Severus in me, I have almost unknowingly allowed you entrance into a part of me that I very seldom allow anyone to know." He reached out and took my hand, running his fingers along the silver bracelet that had revealed our relationship last October. Warmth rushed through me as his fingers touched the locket.

"I appreciate then," he said softly, "how difficult you have been finding this situation. I never stopped to consider the impact my treatment of Potter would have on you because I have never really stopped to contemplate what level our own relationship has reached. I spend so much time thinking about the intricate details of things that I never pause to reflect upon the more obvious ones." He sighed. "Does that make any sense to you?"

I smiled. "Perfectly."

His troubled expression didn't completely fade. He looked straight ahead for a moment, lost in thought.

I studied the patterns of the thread on the bedspread, tracing them with my finger.

"I'm sorry."

The words were so soft that at first I thought that I'd imagined them. I looked up to find Severus looking back at me, his black eyes full of anxiety. "I'm sorry," he repeated, a little more loudly. "I put you in a position where you couldn't depend on me."

"It doesn't matter," I murmured, feeling uncomfortable.

"It does," he said, a little sharply. "It matter very much to me. It doesn't do to lose faith in the person you depend on to be there."

"I haven't lost faith in you," I said, shifting uncomfortably. "I was just..."

"Yes?" He was looking expectantly at me.

"Frustrated...and..."

I looked down at the threads on the bedspread again, feeling by brother's eyes on me.

"-angry," I admitted, not looking up. Yesterday, I had no qualms about letting him know that I was furious, but the anxious expression on his face now made me almost feel guilty to admit it. I looked up at him. "I'm sorry I was an idiot last night. I was worried because you'd been gone for so long."

He frowned. "Armilla, I left you a message on your chocolate frog card. Why didn't you check it?"

"I...didn't think to," I admitted, feeling silly. Of course. He generally left messages for me so I wouldn't worry.

He shook his head. "I also left a message with Nymphadora a little after ten o'clock, but you had already gone to bed. I was delayed because I returned to Hogwarts to meet with the Headmaster."

"Oh."

"Oh indeed," he muttered. He sighed. "Just for the record, Armilla, I don't seek you out as a result of having had enough of Potter."

I met his eye. "It just felt a lot like that yesterday," I said quietly. "I know you can't help not seeing me much here and I don't need to be entertained, but it just didn't help that when I finally did see you, it felt like a real duel."

He had the grace to look at least a little guilty. "I was angry with Potter," he admitted. "I shouldn't have taken in out on you. It is no excuse, but I barely registered that I was doing it at the time."

I nodded. "Speaking of Harry," I said uncomfortably. "You may have to obliviate him."

Severus' eyes narrowed. "Why?" he asked sternly.

"I found a boggart last night. He...walked in."

Severus pursed his lips. "I assume your boggart remains unchanged from the last time?"

I nodded.

"and how did Potter take it?"

I smiled. "A little traumatised."

He smirked. "I'm sure he'll live."

"Isn't it dangerous?" I asked. "What if the Dark Lord reads it in Harry's mind?"

"It wouldn't be news to him," Severus said indifferently. "The Dark Lord refuses to read Potter's mind now. Besides, The Dark Lord is not ignorant of his Death Eaters loving their children and vice versa. I am not concerned by it."

I sighed. I felt more exhausted now then I had when I had gotten up. It seemed that now that the tension had been lifted, I was filled with the exhaustion it left behind. All the same, there was some sort of spirit underneath that was shouting hurrah! I had gotten through another sticky situation with Severus and had managed to speak my mind without him going back into Professor Snape mode.

I moved along the bed and crawled into Severus' arms. I suddenly remembered the message and Severus shifted his arms around me as I reached into the pocket of my jeans and pulled out the chocolate frog card. I activated it silently and read the message.

I will be late home. Don't stay awake waiting. We'll talk in the morning.

I smiled. I was such an idiot. Why hadn't I checked?

"I suppose I should be grateful my messages are being read at all," Severus muttered dryly.

I smiled, putting the card away again.

"Am I to assume that you removed the boggart yourself?" he asked.

"Yes. I had Harry leave."

"Good. May I ask how you-" he stopped, shaking his head. "Never mind, I'd rather not know how you disposed of the creature."