The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis

The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis - Chapter 3

"Oh.... Oh, Ron. OH!"

Ron´s hand was firmly holding Mary Sue´s. In fact, those were the only parts of them that were touching. But apparently, Mary Sue was having an orgasm. As she came down from her high she smiled her million-dollar smile at Ron.

Ron had always suspected that he was a stud, but this sealed the case. He whispered in a voice he hoped was sexy. "Ready for more?" Mary Sue was so blown away by his manliness that she could only nod. He moved to kiss her on the lips. They held their new embrace until Ron got up the nerve to use some tongue. From what he had heard, girls really liked a lot of tongue so he jammed as much of it as he could into Mary Sue´s mouth. She tasted of crème brulee and Froot Loops.

"Mmmmmrrpphhh," she said to let him know that she was really enjoying it. Her hands were resting lightly on his back. Ron decided it was time to go to second base, or search for the Bludgers as they say in Quidditch. He removed her shirt carefully so as not to mess up her hair, and was confronted with a brassiere. He was getting impatient and didn´t want to mess around with trying to undo it so he just pushed it up and went straight in, while kissing her deeply once again. Because the wire from her bra was poking her in the shoulder, and Ron´s tongue was going to mouth depths that no man had visited before (with good reason). Mary Sue´s ragged breathing and delicate cries either meant she was in pain, or having another orgasm. When the cries stopped and she fluttered her eyelashes at Ron, he knew that he was on fire, metaphorically speaking. He gave her an obnoxious grin and moved to lay her down on his bed.

Ron stripped off his own shirt, revealing his normal-looking 18-year-old body, as opposed to having Arnold Schwartzenegger-size muscles. He had a few scraggly chest hairs, red of course. He then reached down to remove Mary Sue´s skirt. She was wearing dark green underwear with a VERY inappropriate word spelled out down the crotch. Ron was taken aback by the boldness of her underwear, and looked at her, alarmed. She sensed his unease and quickly transfigured them into plain pink, which was pointless because he just removed them anyways. Her womanhood looked very inviting and quite frankly Ron had no idea what to do with it. He gazed at it intently, trying to think of a plan of attack. Needless to say he was quite surprised when he heard the now familiar moans of "Yes... oh, Ron, yes. Oh YES!"

Ohhhhh, boy. Seriously, who knew I was so GOOD? He briefly wished he was a girl, but then put that thought aside to concentrate on the task at hand. His manhood was ready, and in fact had been since before Mary Sue was even in the room. He stood up to take off his pants, and then realized that he was about to be naked in front of a girl! Fortunately, his hormones won out over his sense of shame and he quickly removed the rest of his clothes. But just as he laid down on her, her legs had his lower body locked in a death grip, as her face changed rapidly from sultry to businesslike.

"Ron," she said, and not in a sexy way. "I´m surprised at you. Didn´t you know that Mary Sues don´t have sex?"

Ron faltered. "Umm... what?"

"Even though a Mary Sue would also never describe herself as perfect, Mary Sues are far too perfect to ever have sex until AFTER they marry the man of their dreams and *N´SYNC plays at their wedding. Honestly!"

With a wave of her wand she was dressed and flouncing out the door. "I bet you don´t even know *N´SYNC," was her final, cutting remark that echoed from the hallway.

Surprisingly, Ron found something to do that lasted five to seven minutes and ended with the use of a special cleaning-up spell. As he lay in bed, thankful that his roommates were not there because he had locked them in the closet earlier, he wondered who exactly had invented a sperm-cleaning-up spell, and how everyone knew it even though it had never been discussed before. Just one of those things, I guess.

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At lunch the next week, Hermione sat down as Ginny was excitedly whispering to Harry, "...and I heard she´s part Mermaid too!" Noticing Hermione, Ginny gushed, "Oh, `Mione, she´s just the greatest. If it weren´t for her I´d be failing Charms, not to mention the fact that I wouldn´t be learning all these important facts about becoming a woman, like how much eyeliner to use and how to pick out the cutest pairs of shoes."

"I can only assume you´re talking about Mary Sue," grumbled Hermione. She was beginning to think there was something up with that girl. There had been numerous occasions where something didn´t seem quite right, like the fact that Mary Sue refused to drink tea, ever, and didn´t laugh at Hermione´s Knights of Ni joke from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hermione knew she could never mention this to anyone because even the thought of Mary Sue being less than perfect caused all Hogwarts students, except her, to become very defensive and sullen. Even Ron´s slightly embarrassing escapade with her had caused him to respect her more. So Hermione just kept it to herself.

I certainly don´t want to be called jealous again, she thought as she ate her Shepard's Pie and watched Draco stalk haughtily into the Great Hall. Draco. Now there´s another boy with some serious issues. On the way to the Slytherin table he tripped a Ravenclaw third-year, kneed a first-year in the groin, sent up the Dark Mark and was generally quite unpleasant. After his stint as a pot-smoking half-wit, he had suddenly morphed into the evilest of the evil. He took pleasure in torturing small animals and was suspected to be responsible for several break-ins at Gringotts, devil-worshipping vandalism on the outside of the school, and more than one count of littering on school grounds.

As Hermione pondered this, everyone else was welcoming Mary Sue to their table. Even though she could sit at any table since she belonged to no house, she almost always sat with the famous gang of Gryffindors. "G´day mates!" she called cheerfully. Everyone laughed uproariously except Hermione who narrowed her eyes and suddenly remembered somewhere else she had to be. "See you in class!" chirped Mary Sue as Hermione gathered up her things.

A commotion over at the Slytherin table got everyone´s attention. Draco had killed one of the undeserving first-year goth boys and was laughing in a mad-scientist fashion while holding the bloody knife high in the air.

Yeah, something is definitely not right with him, thought Hermione as she headed to the library. If only I could put my fingers on it.

That afternoon, Charms class passed rather uneventfully. Hermione had become accustomed to Mary Sue knowing all the answers, getting all the praise, and out-teachers-petting her by yards (I mean meters). It wasn´t so bad, because Hermione still did all the work and extra credit, and was still enjoying the class, but occasionally she recognized Mary Sue being incredibly patronizing and allowing her to give the correct answer or have the attention of the professor for five whole seconds, after which Mary Sue was immediately the center of attention again for the remainder of the class. Whatever, thought Hermione. With the crappy hints to Mary Sue`s fakeness the author is giving, this obviously isn´t going to last bloody long.

As class ended, Mary Sue was finishing up her extra-credit speech on Erasing charms. "...so like I said, I´ve never actually had to erase a test answer because I´ve never made a mistake on a test, but that charm can be used to change your answer once you´ve already left the room. Arrrr, matey."

Flitwick beamed, even though Mary Sue had just given everyone a way to cheat on tests. The rest of the class was furiously copying down notes and didn´t notice the inexplicable pirate ending to Mary Sue´s presentation, but Hermione had, and thought "case in point!", as she got up from her seat.

She happened to glance over to where Draco was sitting and noticed him lording over a very dead Pansy Parkinson, having just delivered the killing curse.

Flitwick was too enthralled with Mary Sue to notice anything.

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Later that evening, Hermione was idly finishing her homework, and speculating on the weird perfection errors that Mary Sue had made. I bet she´s really a robot. Crookshanks meowed pitifully from his corner, because he had been ignored by the story so far. Well, there´s one way to find out more.

Even though it was a muggle device and should have blown up ages ago because of the special wards on the school, Hermione had a radio. It was a special sort of radio that only had one station: Plot-specific programming. It would only broadcast news items that helped to further the plot. Quite a handy little thing. Hermione flipped it on just in time to hear "...and in conclusion of our nine-hour documentary on the founders of Hogwarts, they all hated each other and would never have spent five seconds in a room together, much less enough time to create some sort of magical child." Interesting. "In other Hogwarts news, Professor Snape, the Potions Master, is currently lying in the hallway outside the kitchen, possibly bleeding to death..." Hermione snapped it off. Oh, no! Not Professor Snape! I have a secret crush on him. She ran out of her dorm room and into the common room.

"Quick, who knows where the kitchen is!?" Hermione was spazzing out. Ron, Harry, and Mary Sue looked up from their three-way chess game. Mary Sue did, of course.

"Right, you just, um, nip up the weckershams," said Mary Sue apprehensively. Hermione furrowed her brow. "Then you, er, pop `round the gorn and scumbles, and Jack´s a donut, there you are!"

"Jack´s a donut?"

"Oh, I´ll just show you the way."

"Okay, but hurry!"

Mary Sue and Hermione ran out of the portrait hole, closely followed by Mary Sue´s shadows, a.k.a Harry and Ron. They headed down a staircase, through a dark hallway, and down another staircase.

"ARrrrgh!" cried Harry "I´m sensing danger!"

Everyone skidded to a halt and stared at him.

"No wait, it´s just mildew. Sorry."

They continued running. The group burst around a corner to see Professor Snape lying in a pool of blood. Hermione gasped and ran to his side. "Oh, Professor! Who did this to you? Was it Voldemort and his 47 Cruciatus curses that he gives you every week?"

Snape looked up and said, weakly. "No.. it was... it was Draco. He stabbed me when I told him he couldn´t sacrifice a goat in the Slytherin common room. He.. he escaped into the kitchen." Snape pointed to a door close by.

With a determined look on her face, Hermione left Snape bleeding in the hallway, because she knew it would be more sexy if she got to heal him privately in his quarters and Merlin knows he wasn´t capable of healing himself despite being 37 and an expert wizard. She ran bullheaded into the kitchen just in time to see Draco bite the head off a live chicken and chew it evilly.

"Draco, that´s disgusting," she said, as blood ran down his chin. "I bet that doesn´t even taste good."

For no reason at all, Mary Sue piped in with "Here, you can wrap the leftovers in this aluminum."

Hermione gasped. Harry looked at her quizzically. Exasperatedly, Hermione pointed out, "She said aLUMinum instead of aluMINium. You just couldn´t tell because the author forgot to add emphasis."

Harry just patted her back condescendingly. "It´s okay `Mione. Everyone gets jealous sometimes."

Hermione looked at him like he had grown another head. Ron had put a hex on him and he actually had grown another head. She started to ask "what exactly was I jealous of just now?" but thought better of it. After all, her Professor was bleeding sexily in the hallway.