Doubt and Deliberation

Chapter 1 - doubt and deliberation

Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks sit in the dark, elegant and well-kept room which Minerva McGonagall prided herself in. They had just left the hospital wing; it was nearly midnight now, and after bidding Luna, Hermione and Ron a mournful goodnight, they settled themselves in Minerva's office which led off into her room and prepared to get some rest.

McGonagall had assigned them her room to stay the night as she had a lot to do in the way of damage control after the frightful events which had happened during the day. Tonks and Lupin were only too happy to take residence in their old transfiguration teacher's quarters as they had no wish to trespass on the Weasleys' sorrow over their son any longer than they had to.

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Remus looked anxiously at Tonks, scared she might start up again; and as he looked at her, he noticed that her face was streaked with tears. He understood exactly why Tonks was crying; she had as great a right as anyone. Dumbledore had died, leaving a hollow void in their lives. Her friend was savaged by Fenrir Greyback, the same werewolf which had made his life a misery - made him a social outcast, a man people on the street looked at in fear.

Didn't she realise how truly dangerous his kind were? Didn't she understand that he was sacrificing his happiness by being with her? He feared that it could have been him to cause her so much pain and anguish as the Weasleys now suffered.

He chanced another look at her again. She was standing with her back to him, looking out the window over the grounds, but even though she was turned from him, he could still see her refection from the glass pane in front of her: her pale, morose face, mousy brown hair and her trembling back, shaking in waves of grief.

He walked over beside her, glancing down to where she was looking. He saw Hagrid walking back over the grounds to his cabin, wailing at the top of his voice. His polka-dotted handkerchief was visible as his head dived into it again as he blew his nose. Remus then noticed that his cabin was in ruins. It had been burnt down during the fight; the thatched roof was badly damaged and was still slightly smoking.

He felt Tonks move beside him, grounding him back to earth and away from his train of thought. She looked at him, deep into his lined face, into his wrinkled eyes, and without another word, both of them were crying and hugging each other. They cared not for the future and what it had in store but for the present, where they were both together and alive!

***************

The embrace lasted for an eternity, whether it had been hours or minutes, Tonks did not know but she instantly regretted that she had to pull away. She looked into his face, trying to read his expression; a look of longing flashed across his eyes but was quickly masked by the protective guard he put up against her every time she got close to him.

She sighed exasperatedly. "Why can't we make of the most of the time we have left? Why can't we just be together, Remus?"

Remus dropped his gaze, staring at the spider scuttling across the window-sill. Scrutinizing the spider, he replied, "I have told you too many times why we can't be together, Tonks. It isn't safe. Look at Fleur...that could have been you. I could do that to you just as easily. I can't afford to let you get too close. I could never forgive myself if I ... I were to bite you." He looked up nervously. "Or if I were to kill you," he added gravely.

Tonks grasped his hand desperately. "But I don't care! I can take care of myself, Remus. I'm an Auror; I'm trained to be able to defend myself. You couldn't kill me."

Remus looked away again. She knew he wasn't convinced by her words, but she continued. "Any of us could die at any time -- look at Dumbledore. We wouldn't have expected him to die tonight...but that's the whole point. I could go out tomorrow and get killed, and I would die unhappy, knowing that I was unwanted by the person I'm... in love with."

Remus looked up shocked and confused. "You...what? You're--"

"Come off it, Remus. Do you think I would be this persistent if I couldn't move on from you? I love you, Remus, and the months we shared, before and after...Sirius' death should show you that!" she said exasperatedly, annoyed at his naivety.

"Well, I never really knew where we stood. I never knew you... loved me," he said quietly.

"Of course I do. Now will you please stop being such a noble, self-sacrificing prick and let me in?" she said, putting her hand on his heart.

He smiled at her, nodding. "Alright. Alright then, we'll give it a shot."

Tonks' face lit up euphorically as she pulled him into a long, deeply passionate kiss. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, pulling her closer to him. She cupped her hands to his face as she swept her tongue gently over the roof of his mouth. She was going so slowly and gently, as she moved her mouth downwards towards his neck, that it was driving him mad. While she attacked his neck, he decided to roam the curves he had longed for over the many months they had been apart. His hands itched to remove her t-shirt, but he knew he should restrain himself until he knew she was ready. To his surprise she was already unbuttoning his shirt, kissing every centimeter of skin she was unclothing. Remus, following by example, allowed his hands to dart to the hem of her top, and pulled. He had removed it halfway up her torso, when she stopped kissing and straightened up, smiling.

"I think we should move away from the window," she breathed raggedly. "I don't wanna flash Hagrid, now do I?"

They laughed and moved into the centre of the larger room. Tonks grinned eagerly, pulling Remus by his open shirt into Minerva McGonagall's bedroom, which was a door off from the office that was infamous for its stern telling-offs by the professor herself.

Once they had entered the room, Remus hastily removed his socks and shoes, placing them tidily at the foot of the rather large Victorian four-poster, while Tonks slowly removed her pink Weird Sisters top to Remus' enjoyment. He offered mock whistles and howls - until she threw the top at him, and it caught on his head. He quickly removed the pink garment from his face, the garment that had obscured the body of the woman he had loved for so long. This was the woman he had cared about so much that he sacrificed his own happiness for months to be with her, just to insure that she would be safe. To find out that she would have been happier to be with him 29 days out of the month than without. He stared at her, adorned only in her lime green bra and her menacing grin. Smiling benignly, he moved closer to her, sitting down in the middle of the bed beside her. He leaned over to gently kiss her.

She felt that this was the happy ending that she had dreamt of for months. She smiled as she leaned back, removing her lips from his. She moved further on to the bed, lying on her back, and motioned for him to come closer to her. Remus grinned eagerly and undid the last few buttons Tonks had missed, removed his shirt and joined her on the bed. Wrapping his long, slender arms around her, he kissed her passionately, forgetting his former gentle manner. He kissed her hard and desperately, trying to portray how he felt about her wordlessly. While Tonks touched his hard, muscular chest, running her fingers blindly across many old battle scars which he had inflicted upon himself during his hours of madness as a werewolf. He moved closer, on top of her, smothering her with his frenzied kisses. She could feel his erection against her thigh, and breathed out a sigh, half arousal and half unadulterated joy.

She began to undo his belt buckle, fidgeting with unbuttoning his trousers. He undid her bra, ravaging her, cupping her breasts with his engulfing hands. With every caress her breathing becoming more unsteady and raged. They stopped kissing, both knowing what was about to happen and knowing subconsciously that the other was wanting it just as much. They removed their remaining garments and continued what they had long awaited.

***************

Within minutes they were at it like rabbits, completely nude in Minerva McGonagall's bed. After months of longing and being stubborn with each other, they were finally getting what their hearts and bodies yearned for: to be with each other.

As he thrust himself into her repeatedly, lustfully, just as her climax took over her, her mousy brown hair changed. As she gasped, her body going into spasms of pleasure, her hair turned to bright, bubblegum pink.

***************

Hours later, the two of them laid exhausted, tangled in the sweaty bed sheet covers, staring at the ceiling. Tonks smiled as she gave a satisfied sigh, turning to look at her lover. He looked down at her, placing one of his long, toned arms around her, laughing at her mischievous grin.

"Well, that was just as good as the New Year fireworks at Big Ben," she joked as she let her hands run across his chest gently.

He chuckled again. "I'm glad you agree," he said softly into her ear. There was dim light coming through the partings of the bedroom curtains, telling the couple that it was morning. Remus kissed her forehead softy and muttered something about getting them coffee and not to get dressed without him.

He crawled passed Tonks, hobbling out of the bed comically to giggles of laughter, and walked, grinning, into Professor McGonagall's office. He glanced at her magnificent clock that told him that it was a quarter past seven. He rummaged in his jacket pocket for his wand so he could conjure up a little breakfast in bed, when a light 'tap, tap, tap' sounded. He grinned wryly, believing to find his lover sneaking to him from the bedroom. Instead, someone entered from a completely different door, and was a completely different person.

Professor Minerva McGonagall entered her office quietly, expecting to find the two Order members she had offered her room to be asleep. But instead as she glanced around her familiar office she found Remus Lupin, quite her blue-eyed boy in his Hogwarts day, to be standing stark naked in her office.

She gasped in horror, mortified that she had come down for her parchments and other stationary equipment to find her ex-pupil nude in her office! Remus then caught sight of her and gave an audible shout of horror, grabbing his worn, patched tweed jacket and hiding his shame.

Minerva turned her back and stuttered in mortified tones, "I didn't expect... I thought everyone would be asleep... I'm so sorry, Remus, I didn't mean to... I came for my papers... the Minister wants... I need... I'll get my things and... and leave you." She edged blindly around the office to her desk.

The commotion outside had drawn Tonks from the bedroom to see what the trouble was, the only difference was that she was sensible enough to wrap herself in the bed sheets. Opening the door into the office, she caught sight of Remus' scarlet face and him bent over, holding his jacket to his crotch.

She walked further into the room. "Remus, what are you doing?" she asked curiously, staring at him concerned. Following his gaze, she saw Professor McGonagall at her desk, looking down at her wide-eyed.

Tonks screamed, "Holy shit!!" She pulled the covers high up her chest. "I... err... gotta go," she said to McGonagall, before darting back into the bedroom.

A look of dawning apprehension flashed across Minerva McGonagall's face. Remus stared at her, knowing that she was putting two and two together, and coming to a very true and embarrassing conclusion.

She looked back at Remus and stuttered, "You and Tonks... in my office... in my bed..." She stared, horrified, at him. Her face contoured with revulsion and pain, almost begging him to deny that he had slept with Tonks in her private quarters, the day after she had lost someone so special to her, too.

Remus' look of embarrassment was enough to tell her that she was in the right. "I'm dreadfully sorry, Minerva. I know that this is completely inappropriate with the present circumstances, and it being in your room but... I am sorry," he said to the floor.

"Its, its fine... I'll go," she said, now quite amused at his terror and embarrassment, and quickly exited with her parchments and quills.

Remus stood still, unable to move with embarrassment. Finally his senses came back to him when he heard a raucous laugh coming out of the bedroom. He walked into the room to find Tonks half-dressed, rolling around in the bed laughing. Ordinarily, Remus would have told her to be serious and to stop laughing as it wasn't funny for him, but seeing Tonks laugh for the first time in months made even him feel giddy, and all wishes of silencing her evaporated. He jumped on the bed, grabbing a squirming Tonks, laughing along with her.

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Eventually, after many stifled giggles, the two of them managed to get dressed and make their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Tonks' hair clashed magnificently with her pink Weird Sisters top once again. As they entered, they were quickly spotted by Arthur and Molly, who were having breakfast with their children. Hermione and Harry joined them. Ginny commented on Tonks' changed hair. Tonks raised a hand consciously to feel her hair, sure enough, it was back to normal.

"Merlin's bread sticks, you're right, but how did I do that? I've had trouble with my Metamorphosing for nearly a year now, and I don't think I even tried to change it either," she stated, looking puzzled.

Molly grinned, "Maybe its love, dear?" casting a look at Tonks, then at Remus. Remus' face glowed pink as most of the Weasleys turned to look at him. He looked like he was about to speak, but Tonks cut across him, looking over his shoulder.

"Good morning, Professor McGonagall." she said brightly. Remus jumped, wincing when he realised that she was only joking. He turned to Tonks who was shaking with suppressed laughter.

Ginny looked suspiciously between the couple, then turned to join Hermione's conversation, leaving the adults to talk. Arthur motioned to Remus to have a private word, no doubt about his son's condition and what advice or knowledge Remus could shed on the subject.

Molly bent over to Tonks and asked curiously, "What was all that about Minerva? Why's he so jumpy all of a sudden?" Tonks smiled, and knowing she could tell Molly anything, she explained exactly what happened the night before. She left out many of the graphic details, obviously (Molly was old enough to be her mother.) She explained that they were finally a proper couple.

Molly grinned her approval the whole way throughout the conversation, finally hugging Tonks, knowing that she had finally got what she had wanted for over a year, her man.

***************

As days passed it becoming common knowledge in the Wizarding World that the great Albus Dumbledore had been murdered, but even though the loss hit all of them hard, Tonks and Remus couldn't help feeling slightly happier about their bleak and intrepid future: fighting the Dark Arts. But it was like Minerva said, the night before they became too embarrassed to make eye contact: "Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody, that there was a little more love in the world."

They spent the remaining run up to the funeral in each other's company - visiting Bill, laughing at Fleur's attempts to fit into Molly's shoes as Bill's nurse, enjoying the long summer days, trying their best to make the days happy and to get over their grief.

Finally the day of the funeral came; it was the finest day of the summer yet that year. The chairs were set out in rows facing a large marble table, Tonks and Remus settled themselves in a row with Kingsley Shacklebolt, Alastor Moody and some other members of the Order. They watched tentatively, holding hands, as Gryffindor House walked silently down into their seats in Professor McGonagall's wake. They caught sight of Harry; he looked very white and forlorn but he was walking alongside Ginny silently, taking seats near the front.

Tonks felt Remus' hand twitch in hers as Dolores Umbridge took her seat beside Fudge. She knew Umbridge was a werewolf hater, and the knowledge that she was here at Dumbledore's funeral after all that Ginny and the others had told her, after having her teach them last year, was infuriating.

Tonks leant over to whisper in Remus' ear, "If you want I could hex her when no one's looking, or from what I hear the centaurs might beat her up for free!" she added comically.

He smiled wryly, "I think I'll be alright, but I'm quite concerned about Harry. Reading between the lines, Harry and Dumbledore were on some secret mission the night he died. According to Molly, Harry refused to tell Minerva?" he said in undertones.

"Well maybe he has reason to not tell McGonagall; maybe Dumbledore told him to be discreet about what they were doing. It could be the case that if the less people know, the safer it is for him," Tonks replied thoughtfully. "He must feel devastated to be left with a secret that he has to bare alone."

"Well, that's something that we'll never be again," he whispered softly in her ear and kissed her forehead gently.

"Too right, I'm not letting you go anytime soon!" she said, grinning, looking deep into his eyes.

"Oh Tonks, what would I do without you?" he asked bemused.

"Not fall down the marble staircase in an act of heroics?" she said quietly.

He smiled at her. "I love you, Nymphadora, more than you'll never know."

Tonks did a comical double take-back, wide-eyed, gasping loudly - so loudly Kingsley and Mad-Eye looked around to see if she was alright and why she was hyperventilating. Others around them simply took Tonks to be in a hysterical form of grief and shock.

"Really, you like me that much," she said in mock tones of shock. He grinned, amused at his girlfriend, even in the most serious, saddening and mournful times of their lives, she could still draw a smile to his face. As he thought of this, he could think of only one other time he had ever had anyone who could make him laugh no matter what the situation, Sirius and James. Both men had died prematurely and ironically. Remus himself had outlived both these men. They were whole men; they weren't poor, and they were no danger to their lovers. Maybe this was what Tonks and everyone had been trying to explain: death has no pattern, just as the good die young and the bad seems to live forever; and even when the bad does die, they find ways to cheat death and come back to destroy lives again.

Maybe he and Tonks had just as much change of surviving the war as anyone, maybe it really was him just sacrificing himself to try and prevent her from more heartbreak.

Whatever his physiological reasons for not committing himself to her before now, he did not know, but what he did know was that he was in for the ride of his life, and he wouldn't let go.

The End.