Chad Was There

James, Sirius, Remus, Peter and Lily were walking down to the lake one day. They met a group of friends by the water. Chad was there. He was Hogwarts Pimp, the MacDaddy, the 'Ho Master. It was straight up nine. He's good, very good.

"Yo, bitch, where's my money!?"

"I ain't your 'ho, Chad," Lily said.

"Neither am I," said Sirius, "though Peter is."

Peter nodded in agreement. "Yeah, man he tricks me out all over the joint. We be pullin' in all o' da gold."

Remus nodded mutely and slowly began to back away.

"No, Remus, get back here," Chad said. "I got some fine 'hos for you. This one here's real cheap."

He pointed to a blonde 'ho in pink.

"She's a fine 'ho."

"I don't know," said Sirius, "she looks a little fugly to me."

"Shut up, mofo," Chad retorted.

"I don't want him anyhow," said the 'ho.

"Hey, bitch, you da 'ho, I da pimp." He paused then turned to Remus. "Yo, Remy, I be makin' a 'special' movie. You wanna be there? You can do the cheap 'ho."

"No, uh, no," Remus said. "No."

"I'll do it," said Sirius. "Oh, no, look who it is." He pointed across the grounds.

Snape and his gangstas were walking towards them

"Yo, bi'otch," Chad said. "You wanna be in my movie. You can be the janitor in the background who has nothing better to do but watch people gettin' freaky." Snape's upper lip curled in disgust.

"I do not want to be in your movie," he replied. "I have better things to do."

"Sure as hell ain't gettin' laid," Sirius muttered.

"What?" Snape demanded.

"How 'bout you gangstas get up outta here," James told Snape threatening.

"We jus' chillin', yo," Snape said. "That's allowed, ain't it?"

"You and your homies better get your asses on outta here," Lily retorted.

"Who gave you permission to speak, you mudblood 'ho?" Snape snarled.

Everyone whipped out their wands at once. Some whipped out the wrong kind of wand but put it back before anyone noticed.

"So, it comes down to this, eh, Snape," James said, pointing his wand at the great sin against nature known as Severus Snape. "You and me. To the death."

"The death?" Sirius murmured. "There was no mention of death."

"Shut up, biznitch, I be playin' with this jumped-up mofo," James explained eloquently. Then, he turned back to Snape. "But your gangsta friends gotta clear off. This is one-on-one."

Snape jerked his head to the side, signaling to his gangstas to leave. They backed away but kept an eye on the situation.

"Let's do this thang," Snape said, raising his wand.

James struck first. Snape doubled up and vomited.

"Good one," Sirius said, though Remus frowned behind him.

"No, I didn't do that," James said, confused. "I did a spell to make him smell better, I guess he's allergic to lavender."

"That's strange, he likes wearing the color," Chad said.

"I don't wear lavender," Snape spat. "It's mauve." He threw his spell at James.

James, too, doubled up, but vomit didn't come out of his mouth. Something much worse did.

"I walk the corridors at night, But I'm not frightened at the sight, Of some kracka lookin' for a fight, We just go outside and fly a kite-"

"What the hell did you do to him!?" Sirius cried as he watched his best friend bounce and move his hands to a nonexistent beat.

"It's the Bustamuvus Curse, it makes even the whitest kracker rap!" Remus exclaimed. "Uncrapify!"

James stopped making a fool of his white ass immediately.

"That was uncalled for!" James yelled. He waved his wand and Snape started to undulate slowly. He began to strip.

"Wrong spell! WRONG SPELL!" everyone cried. James quickly rectified his mistake and made Snape fly into the lake.

"Thank god he didn't get far!" Chad shouted to the Heavens.

"What do you mean, he's in the middle of the lake?" Sirius asked, confused.

"Not that, the strip tease."

"Oh, yeah. Hey, James, wha' up wit dat?"

"Sorry, I meant for him to make a fool of himself, not make us poke out our eyes."

"Well, that's okay, everyone makes mistakes," Chad assured James.

"Uh, guys," Remus said, "I haven't seen Snape come back up yet-"

"So," Chad said. "Now, anyway, as I was sayin', you wanna be in my movie?"