Chainless Soul

Chainless Soul

Chapter Three

by Cinnamon

It wasn’t easy after that to ignore anything I felt for Remus. Every time he looked at me, it as like there was a hook stuck in my chest and the string attached to it would jerk a little. Every time he touched me, whether it was his hand brushing mine as we walked along, or a friendly pat on the shoulder, my breath would falter and I’d grow just a little dizzy. I wondered constantly if it was the same for him, but if it was, he hid it better than I did.

Maybe it was just a crush. How could I even know what love was, really?

One night, a few weeks after the day he told me my love for him wasn’t real, I had a nightmare. In it, I was in wolf form, running down a long gravel road, the full moon red in the sky. I was terrified, though at first I did not know of what. And then I heard a loud hiss and something that burned like molten fire skimmed my side. I whimpered and tried to run faster, but someone was chasing me, I could hear their breath rasping in their throats. The hiss came again and tore through my back and I fell to the ground, gasping for breath. The hunters approached cautiously; they were George and Fred, and I was only a few miles from home.

They looked down at me scornfully and then grinned at each other. “Mom’ll be happy to know we killed it,” George said.

Fred was nodding. “Sodding wolf,” he commented, kicking my side.

They didn’t recognize me, they thought I was just a wolf. I had been trying to go home and they had attacked me, thinking I was just a regular wolf. I tried to tell them, I tried everything, but the only thing that would come from my mouth was a soft growl, and together, Fred and George laughed at me.

And then the silver fire in my chest grew hotter and I died.

Remus was there when I woke up. He had heard my sleep grow disturbed from his chair in the next room and had come to check on me. When I sat up suddenly, sucking in a terrified breath, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his dark eyes watching me worriedly.

“Are you all right, Gin?” He whispered.

I started to sob. “Oh god, I want to go home,” I cried, and he gathered me in his arms, pulling me against his chest. I cried for a good long time and he didn’t say a word until I finally pulled away, sniffling. “I had a bad dream,” I told him. “About Fred and George.”

“It’s all right, it was just a dream,” he soothed.

I choked on a sob. “But I miss them so much.”

He started petting my hair and said gently, “Maybe you should go home.”

“I can’t,” I cried, falling back onto my pillow, and he didn’t say anything more. He just pulled my blanket up to my chin and stroked my face before turning to leave. I grabbed his hand. “Don’t — Don’t go.”

He turned back slowly. “Ginny —”

“No, please,” I whimpered, tugging a little on his hand. “Don’t leave me, I’m so… I’m so lonely.”

“It isn’t right.”

“We won’t do anything, Remus, I promise, I just… I’m so lonely. Stay with me?”

Finally he sighed, sitting back on the side of the bed. “For a little while.”

I pulled him until he was lying beside me and then I cuddled up beside him. “All night,” I whispered.

He didn’t reply but his arm moved to wrap around my shoulders and I slipped mine around his waist, my head resting on his shoulder. I could hear his heartbeat and the sound gently lulled me to sleep. I slept without nightmares.

***

The days that passed after that night were somehow softer, more painful, but just as bittersweet as the ones before it. Our friendship had changed somehow, gone deeper, though neither of us discussed exactly what that meant. The leaves changed colours and fell from the trees and then snow came, covering the forest floor all around.

Winter was the best time to be a wolf. I hardly felt the cold at all, and the snow was wonderful to play in.

Though I missed my family dreadfully, I cannot say that my last months with Remus were anything other than wonderful.

It was nearly a week before Christmas and I had gotten into the habit of crying myself to sleep each night because I wanted to go home to my family so badly. I know Remus heard me, but he never commented, and for that I was glad.

The full moon came five days before Christmas, and I was thankful for the diversion.

It was on the second night of the full moon that everything changed again. I was alone in the forest, Remus had gone off to search for his own amusements, and I was tracking a strange scent I had never smelled before in the forest. It was almost like Remus’s, but not quite, and my curiosity nearly got me killed.

The other creature attacked me in a shadowy copse of trees where it had waited to ambush me. It hit me hard in the side, sending me flying through the air and hitting the ground with a sharp whimper, knocking my breath from my body. I got weakly to my feet, shaking my head to clear the dizziness.

The other creature faced me across the clearing with his head down, foam at his lips, snarling and ready to attack again. It was a huge black dog, and I looked worriedly for a way to escape. The wolf part of me was singing with excitement; it wanted to fight. But the human part of me wanted to run.

The dog attacked, his fangs tearing into my throat, and I started snarling in reply, wolf taking over as I knocked the other dog aside and lunged on top of him, trying to get my teeth through its thick fur to kill it. He shook me off and attacked again, his fangs puncturing the skin on my throat. My blood smelled like liquid copper and I thought I was going to die.

Remus had heard the fight and came running. He ran into the dog, throwing his heavier weight against him, and the dog slid away, coming to rest in the snow. Remus growled at him but he was wagging his tail, and, even as weak as I felt, I had to wonder at that. My blood was leaking out of my torn throat, however, so I did not wonder long. I was afraid the wound wouldn’t close soon enough to keep me from bleeding to death.

Remus turned to me and I closed my eyes weakly, whimpering and covering my face with one paw. He nuzzled my paw away and started licking my throat. I shivered and he withdrew, turning back to face the dog again. My eyes were still closed.

“All right, all right,” a voice said suddenly, voice laced with chagrin. “I didn’t know.”

My eyes flew open and a man stood where the dog had been. He was smiling at Remus, who was, again, wagging his tail.

“I thought she was hunting you or something, sorry. Is she all right?” The man moved passed Remus to check on me and the possessive wolf-instinct in Remus made him snarl. The man ignored it, crouching beside me and touching my throat gently. “All healed,” he said, and I got to my feet, flinching away from him. “I thought I’d come and spend the rest of the holiday with you so you didn’t have to spend it alone, but I guess you’re not alone after all,” he said to Remus. “I’ve just come from the Weasley’s, Harry’s spending Christmas there.”

I whimpered, and if I were human, I would have started to cry. Remus, of course, knew the cause of my distress, and turned to me, pale wolf eyes looking worried and sympathetic, but I really didn’t want to deal with any of that now. Being a wolf was a distraction, I didn’t want to think of my family.

I turned suddenly and took off into the forest, leaving Remus and the stranger who had just come from my family far behind. I ran as fast and far as I could, and neither of them bothered to come after me. I didn’t stop running even as I came to the creek, which still flowed despite the icy chunks that floated down it. I plunged into that and got soaked with the frigid water, coming out the other side of the creek and shaking the water from my fur. Then I continued to run. The further I ran, the easier it was to forget, so I ran as far as I possibly could. When I could run no more, I finally wearily came to a stop. I howled once, mournfully, at the moon, and then I collapsed into the snow, falling fast asleep.

Remus woke me, shaking me gently and calling my name. I opened my eyes and the first thing I felt was the burning numbness in my arms and legs. He was holding a goblet of something to my lips.

“Warming Potion,” he said, and I drank greedily. When it had warmed me enough so that I could feel my fingers and toes, I sat up, pushing my hair out of my face. He wrapped a blanket around me and handed me the clothes he had brought. I made him turn around, though he had already seen me, and dressed quickly.

When I was done, he spoke again, very gently. “Sirius is waiting nearby,” he said. “He doesn’t yet know who you are, but you are going to deal with the fact that he will, as soon as he sees you. He’s just come from your house, Ginny. You can’t run from him anymore, all right? Promise me you won’t run.”

I shrugged sullenly and walked off into the trees towards where I knew Sirius was waiting. I could sense him. Even human, my senses were all more intense.

Sirius Black, Harry Potter’s godfather, was waiting in the trees, and he turned when he heard me approach. His eyes took in my flaming red hair, my freckles, and my brown eyes, and he opened his mouth to say something. Then he saw the arm Remus had laid around my waist, probably for moral support, but I can only imagine what Sirius must have thought of it. His eyes glittered with fury.

“Sirius,” Remus said, his voice heavy with warning. “Now is not the time for whatever you want to say. Ginny’s freezing, we must get her back to the cabin.”

I think it was proof of their deep friendship that Sirius nodded curtly and turned to lead the way.

The Warming Potion had worn off by the time I got back to the cabin, and I was shivering. Remus steered me towards the roaring fire, leaving me curled up on the rug there while he went to get me something warm to drink. My hair had gotten frosted in the early morning while I slept, and the frost started to melt, cool rivulets of water running down my face. I didn’t move to wipe them away; I was staring, transfixed, into the flames, and nothing else mattered. They were dancing and hypnotizing and for a long while, I didn’t look away. I was distantly aware of Remus in the kitchen, and of Sirius, who had taken the chair I usually sat in.

Finally, he spoke. “Are you all right?” His voice was low and soft and I was relieved to know that whatever rage he was feeling at the strange situation with Remus and I, he wasn’t going to shout at me right away.

I didn’t answer him. Instead, I turned to face him, looking, I knew, like a drowned rat. “You saw my family?” I whispered.

Sirius nodded once. “I did.”

“Are… are they all right?”

He studied my face in silence for a moment, before saying carefully, “All right as can be expected, I suppose.”

“Do they miss me?”

“Ginny, they searched for you! Your mother was hysterical for months. Your father searched all of London, they got the Ministry to help them search. Ron went crazy one day and destroyed the clock that had your name on the hand to tell them where you were because he claimed it was broken; it said you were home, and you weren’t.”

“I am,” I said thickly, tears burning in my throat. “I am home.”

He continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “Charlie came home as soon as he heard. Bill as well. The two of them are still searching for you. Fred and George never leave home because they’re sure that any minute, you’ll come back. And your mother hardly gets out of bed any more. Your father rarely comes home from work anymore. Ron’s furious all the time. And Harry blames himself. He’s hired private investigators,”

I was startled. “Why would he do that? It had nothing to do with him.”

Sirius shrugged. “You ran away the day he came. He thought it had something to do with him. Like you hated him so much, you didn’t to be in the same house any longer than necessary. Knowing Harry and the insecurities he has, it doesn’t really surprise me. He always thought the unconditional acceptance he found with your family was to good to be true.”

I was shaking, I hadn’t realized Harry might blame himself. It honestly had nothing to do with him. “It wasn’t him,” I whispered. “It was me.”

“Then go home and tell him that,” Sirius snarled.

“I can’t! Don’t you understand?” I shouted; Remus had come back into the room, but I didn’t care. “You don’t get it! It was me! That wolf you attacked was me! I can’t go home as a monster, I just can’t!”

“You honestly think they’d care?” He shot back, furious. “Of course not, they love you.”

“Sometimes love isn’t enough,” I whimpered. “I don’t want to hurt them.”

Remus was there suddenly, pressing a cup of ho tea into my hand. His eyes were solemn. “Ginny, you taught me not to be ashamed of it.”

“I’m not ashamed of it!” I cried. “I just don’t want them to know! All my life I have been little Ginny Weasley, the only girl, the disappointment, the youngest. Too clumsy to be much good in school, too shy. I’m nothing there, nothing but a disappointment, and it’ll just add to the whole thing if I go home a monster! You don’t understand, it’s not me I’m ashamed for. If anyone found out, they would scoff at my family more than they do now.” I was crying, and for the first time since I had cried in his presence, Remus didn’t hurry to comfort me. He didn’t touch me.

He was still seething with fury, but Sirius made a good effort to hide it. “How did it happen?” He asked.

I told him of how I had run away with Floo powder and how Remus had attacked me and then taken care of me. Sirius’s eyes became even darker with a deep anger I didn’t understand. He glanced at Remus and said dangerously, “She’s just a child.”

Remus nodded once. “I know.”

“What, you think you’re in love with her?” he sneered.

My mouth fell open and my eyes widened. I made a small noise in the back of my throat, but neither of them looked at me. When Remus spoke, it was without tearing his eyes away from Sirius, and in a very calm tone. “Ginny, would you please go read in your room for a while? I’ve got some things to discuss with Sirius.”

He was treating me like a child again, but for once, I didn’t mind. I escaped as quickly as I could into the bedroom because I had never seen a fury burn as coldly as Sirius’s did, and it terrified me.

But even in the other room, I could hear every word through the door. I curled up on my bed, hugging my knees to my chest and listened.

“It’s not what you think,” Remus said after a few seconds of silence.

“How old is she?”

“Seventeen.”

“She’s too young.”

Remus sounded irritated now. “I told you, it’s not what you think.”

“She’s just a child, Remus!”

“You think I don’t know that?” He snapped in reply.

“Exactly. You don’t seem to know that. I’ve seen the way you look at her, the way you touch her.”

Remus laughed scornfully and I flinched. “She’s a little girl, Sirius. I haven’t touched her.”

Sirius was silent for a moment, considering. When he spoke, he sounded very tired. “She’s got to go home, Moony. Her family is dying without her.”

“I know.”

“I can’t stay here with you if she’s here. I’m tempted to skin her alive for what she’s done to Ron and to Harry and her family.”

“She’s just a kid, Sirius, you did stupid things when you were a kid.”

“Maybe. But I’m going to go to London to run an errand for Dumbledore, and then I’m going to go back to the Weasley’s and tell them where she is. That gives you a week to convince her to go home. Otherwise they’ll come to get her, and I promise, it’ll be worse for her if they do.”

Remus didn’t reply, and a short while later, I heard Sirius leave the cabin, his claws clicking against the floor. He had changed back into his dog form.

Remus knocked softly before coming into my room a second later. “Ginny,” he said, very gently. “Don’t cry. It’s all right.”

I hadn’t even realized I was crying, but I was. I buried my face in my arms, which were folded over my knees. Remus was there in an instant, his arms wrapped around me, pulling me onto his lap and rocking me gently. “Shh, it’s all right,” he whispered, stroking my hair.

“I’m not a little girl, I’m not.”

“I know you’re not.”

“I can’t go home. I can’t be shy, ugly little Ginny who fails at everything. Don’t make me go home, please Remus, please.”

His hands slid to my shoulders and he lifted my face off his chest, drying my tears with one hand. “You listen to me, Ginny Weasley,” he said, his voice shaking with an intensity I didn’t understand. “Your family loves you and you’re the only one in the world who thinks that about yourself.”

I was shaking my head before he had finished. “But it’s true, it is. I’m horrible. I ran away and I hurt them all and Sirius hates me and they searched for me and I’m stupid and selfish and—”

The hand that had been drying my tears slipped from my cheek to the back of my head, twisting in my hair. He tilted my head with that hand and then, before I had any warning of his intent, he kissed me, very gently. If our first kiss by the creek was painful and wild, this kiss was exactly the opposite. It was gentle and so achingly bittersweet that it made my stomach tighten painfully. It tasted of rain and sweet honey.

He pulled away and said softly, “It’s not true, Gin. You’re beautiful.”

“I’m not,” I whispered, staring up into his eyes. “I’ve got freckles all over.”

A small, teasing grin lit up his face and it was so out of character for him that I had to smile in response, my fingertips tracing the smile on his lips. He never told me what mischievous thought had inspired that grin and I didn’t ask. The grin faded as quickly as it had come and his eyes were very dark. He sighed and tightened his arms around me, resting his chin on the top of my head. “What are we going to do?” he asked softly.

It was the closest he had come to admitting that he felt anything for me, and in response, I started stroking his hair the way he always stroked mine. “It’ll be all right,” I promised him.

He took a deep breath and lifted me off of his lap, sitting me beside him on the bed. Then he started to get up. I grabbed his hand and he gently pried my fingers lose. “We can’t, Ginny,” he told me. He couldn’t even look at me.

“I’m not letting you leave.” I was still confused about what I felt for him, I had never felt anything like it, but I knew that I didn’t want him to leave me. “You’ve run from every bit of human contact your entire life, hiding behind your wolf, pretending that’s why you do it, but I don’t believe it. I think you’re afraid.”

“Ginny.”

I continued on, not letting him speak. I pulled him back onto the bed and crawled on top of him, straddling his waist, my hands spread on his chest. “I’m not letting you run from this,” I said in a low voice, staring down at him. He reached up and tangled the tips of his fingers in my long hair, breathing heavily, and I leaned forward, my lips mere inches from his. “I love you,” I said very softly, and he stiffened, his hands suddenly on my shoulders, trying to push me away.

“Ginny.”

I smiled mischievously at him and then kissed him, my hands slipping up to hold his face in place so he couldn’t pull away. I had never kissed anyone before in all my life, I had always let them kiss me, and there was a subtle difference in kissing someone rather than being kissed. It was more erotic somehow, trying to coax him into kissing me back, knowing that he was fighting some war inside over honor and pride, what was good against what was right, while I knew this went beyond those distinctions. This was everything we wanted it to be.

I pressed my lips to the corner of his mouth and then moved lower, sucking lightly on the hollow of his throat. He didn’t push me away, and his fingers were still tangled in my hair. His eyes were closed and his breathing irregular; I don’t think he had the strength to push me away.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” I said finally, exasperated. I sat up, looking down at him petulantly.

His eyes opened and he smiled weakly. “I’m more worried about hurting you. I’m not right for you.”

“I’m a better judge of that, I think.” I began playing with the ends of his hair. “Besides,” I whispered. “You could never, ever hurt me. You’ve given me so much, let me give you this.”

I could see the battle waging inside him in his eyes. He wanted to push me away, I knew, but at the same time, he wanted to draw me closer. “Are you sure?” He breathed.

“I trust you.” I kissed him gently in reply, coaxingly, and this time he kissed me back, his hands sliding from my hair and down to my hips, pulling me closer.

If I had thought my life’s greatest thrill would come from the full moon and my wolf form, I was proven wrong that day.

I have thought for hours for the proper words to describe what it was like. I know a thousand more years to consider it won’t bring the words to mind, because there simply aren’t any that could explain it. It was like the world stopped turning but started spinning again a thousand times faster than before. Like nothing else existed except the places where he touched me and the look in his eyes as he did, but at the same time like I wasn’t there with him, I was somewhere else, soaring through the sky. There were no sounds except for our soft breathing and the silken whisper of his skin against mine, and it was over so fast but at the same time seemed to last forever.

It was more than a physical thing, it was like our souls brushed past each other and for one split second I was able to see the man he would have been had his curse not scarred him as badly as it had. I only wonder at the secrets he discovered in my own soul while I peered into his.

Afterwards, I could hardly breathe, and we lay tangled together on the bed, lost in our own thoughts. His arm was wrapped tightly around my waist and his face was buried in my hair. I know he was fighting his feelings of guilt, he was probably damning himself in his mind for not having the strength to resist whatever there had been between us. I wasn’t regretting it, however. For the first time in my life, I was sure I had done something right.

“Ginny,” he said finally, his voice aching. “We shouldn’t have—”

I shut him up by clapping my hand over his mouth, and then I said fiercely, “Don’t start with me. It was right and you know it and I don’t regret a thing, but if you start telling me it was wrong, I swear, I’ll bite you so hard…” I could feel his lips twist upwards in a smile beneath my hand and I pulled it back, smoothing his tangled hair.

“You’re not sorry?” he asked.

I snuggled closer, resting my head on his chest. “Never,” I replied.

“Did I hurt you?”

“I love you.”

“Ginny.”

I sighed and moved away from him, propping my head up on my arm. “Don’t you love me too?”

“Ginny, I can’t.”

I smiled at him, nodding once. I figured he’d have forever to come to terms with the love I was sure he felt for me. I was so sure we’d have forever. “All right.”

“We can’t ever do this again.”

I didn’t reply, just started stroking his back rhythmically, knowing that he was feeling badly for what we had just done and that nothing I was going to say would help him feel better about it. “Everything will be all right, I promise,” I whispered to him, and he smiled sadly up at me.

“You have much more faith than I do.”

I shrugged and smiled at him, and he sighed, closing his eyes. I finally noticed the dark circles around his eyes, the waxy pallor of his skin. He obviously hadn’t been getting much sleep lately, and I wondered guiltily if I was the cause.

I ran my fingers through his hair and smiled gently at him. “Go to sleep, Remus, I’ll watch over you.”

He smiled at me, rolling his eyes, but didn’t reply. Proof of his extreme exhaustion, I guess, that he let me watch over him when usually he was so intent upon watching over me.

He closed his eyes and I stroked his back soothingly until he’d fallen asleep, his deep, even breathing the only sound. For hours, I watched him sleep, studying the hills and hollows of his face, his lips relaxed in sleep, the way his eyelashes contrasted so sharply with his pale complexion.

It was late afternoon when I slipped away, kissing his temple gently. “I love you,” I whispered again. “I promise it’ll be all right.”

He didn’t reply; he was still asleep, and I dressed quickly before leaving the cabin.

I walked through the snow to the creek, still running icy cold, and I sat in the snow on the bank, watching the water rush by, lost in thought. I hardly felt the cold.

I was remembering how Ron and I had used to have snowball fights in the wintertime and I was wishing suddenly more than anything that I was wearing one of mum’s knitted jumpers she always made for Christmas. I was wishing Charlie would appear and scoop me into his arms and swing me around and around, and that Percy would watch and say something snide about how immature it was for him to swing me. I was wishing that George and Fred would walk over to me and offer me some enchanted candy guaranteed to turn my teeth black or turn my arms into flippers or some such nonsense. I was wishing I could hear my father and Bill arguing about Bills life and his reluctance to settle down and carry on the Weasley name. I was wishing, more than anything, that Ron would come running out from behind the trees, screaming and laughing, a snowball held in his mittened hand, and that it would hit me in the back of the head.

That was what I was wishing as the sun went down. I remember my last human thought that night, as my bones started rearranging themselves, was “I want to go home.”

And then I was a wolf again. The fire that usually sang in my blood and made me want to run forever was cooler than normal, and I sat there in the snow, my colour blind eyes staring vacantly up at the moon above.