Harry Potter and the Purple Abyss

Chapter 2: One Step Closer

Everything you say to me

Brings me one step closer to the edge

I'm about to break

...SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU

-Linkin Park

James Bean pulled himself out of the chair with quaking arms. He was old and sick-no doubt about it. If he was not exactly doddering with one foot in the grave, he was still not as powerful as he once had been-which wasn't very. How much incentive did you have to work out when you majored in Home Economics and thought that chess was a workout?

He had watched the Barney the Dinosaur craze grow throughout the years. It had peaked in the mid-nineties, but, as inevitable in the world of toddler television, then crashed. Other shows had had similar drops in viewers and ratings as their main audience hit puberty. Inexplicably, Barney's popularity had suddenly grown and was nearly surpassing it's previous high in the early years of the new millenium.

He was definitely getting sick of it. True, he was a millionaire, he lived comfortably in a large mansion with a swimming pool and several young, nubile "secretaries" and "helpers". Derek was older now- he worked at the local Hannaford's bringing carriages in from outside and folding bags. They all were having the times of their lives.

And the object that had done this for them was dancing across the screen in front of Bean.

"Why, hello, my Special Friends," chortled the fat lizard, his six-pack wobbling. "I am so happy you came to play. We are going to have a stuu-uuu-pendous time! Suuupeer-deee-duuppeer! huh oh huh oh," the Purple One giggled.

Bean shook his head in disgust. What have they done? he wondered, cursing the PBS PR. people. They have turned a child's doll into a...a...big fat gay blob that dumbs the mind of all living creatures. He retched as Barney jiggled and wobbled and waddled to-and-fro, always with that moronic smile on his face and his piggy, beady eyes just visible beneath the rolls of fat. My god that's disgusting thought Bean. I just want to beat that idiot's brains out.

" And now," chuckled the Purple One, "let's meet my friends, BJ and Baby Bop!".

From the right wing cartwheeled a green dinosaur, from the left rode a yellow one on a tricycle. The greeted Barney with hugs.

"Oh, I am so happy to be here with my blanky" squealed the green one, the one with the moniker "Baby Bop".

"I'm also happy to be here," yelled BJ, "I need some friends to play games with."

The Purple One chuckled his distinctive, cheering, happy, utterly gay laugh. "Well, you're in luck, BJ, because look out there at all of our Special Friends who have come to play with us today."

BJ ran in circles in ecstasy. "Oh boy oh boy, will we have a fun time today!"

Barney smiled. "But first, let's sing our Special Friends our Special Song!" The children squealed in absolute ecstasy and love. "I love you," The cheering grew louder, and the words could be heard now. Bean retched again. "You love me". He stands there, thought Bean, as the song continued in the background, like a Purple Mussolini addressing the masses. "We're a happy family." Complete, undying, unconditional love. "With a great big hug." The children were gazing at Barney with looks of rapt adoration on their faces. "And a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me to?" As the children roared, Bean watched closer. Every child was standing as if brainwashed, cheering and screaming Barney's name like a lover in the most intimate phases of intercourse. God, if he ever got the idea into his mushy head that he could control these kids and make them do anything he wanted...it's too much. He has too much control. It must be stopped.

He made up his mind, then and there, to go see the head of PBS's Barney division, a man by the name of Kyle Soko. Soko will listen to me thought Bean. It's in my contract. I'm on retainer as senior adviser. He has to listen to me. He must.

Unfortunately for Bean, Mr. Soko did nothing of the sort. "Let me see if I have you straight, Bean." he said evenly, stroking his bushy mustache. "You want to discontinue the show that has made our company billions, has set you up for the rest of your life, simply because you find it plausible that if Barney, who, may I remind you is no more then our friend Shawn Reynolds" here he gestured to the quiet man leaning up against the wall," in a fat purple suit?"

It didn't sound nearly as plausible when Soko said it that way. "Uh, Mr Soko, all I'm trying to say is that if anyone were to coerce, or, uh, gain control of Barney's fame..."

"What, do you think Mr. Reynolds would take over the world for money? If you do, you have a very low estimate of his morals, Mr. Bean."

"What if he was hypnotized?" said Bean, his high hopes dropping faster then a chicken in a Samuri bar.

"Come now, Mr Bean, "said Soko, his tone condescending, "do you really expect Marko the Magnificent to pop in here, hypnotize Reynolds, and take over the world with him? Just because it is possible doesn't mean that it's likely, not at all. Why, it's possible that a construction worker a mile from here accidently drops a stick of dynamite and blows up a street and a shard of cement came flying through the window and killed you by slicing your heart in two, but the chances of that must be a gazillion to one."

Bean thought that Soko had a point, even if there was no such thing as a gazillion. "I see your point, sir," he said, reverting to his meek, Home-Economics majoring self. Damn that career guide. He thought. If I had majored in something good maybe I'd have the guts to stand up to him. But he didn't, and that was the crux of his life. "I'll go, then."

He walked out of the room, and behind him, Soko breathed a sigh of relief.

******

Mr. Soko sat that night in front of the fire in his mansion, sipping a cup of a delicious hot chocolate and brandy mixture. It had been a trying day at the office, especially the Bean matter. He knows Barney's power thought Soko, taking a long draught of his drink. It was a close call today. Good think he is a meek, Home Ec major or he might have pressed for more information. Soko sat there in his armchair, sipping his drink and thinking pensively. Finally, he made up his mind. He got out of his cushy chair and went to the mantel above the fire. On it was an urn he claimed to hold his mother's cremated remains. It didn't. He took a handful, and sprinkled it in the fire.

The flames leapt, turning a bright red. He crouched down until he was level with the fire, and uttered one word.

"Master."

Instantly, the flames leapt up even higher, embers and ashes swirling in an invisible wind to form a ball, then an ellipse, then, finally a head.

A head of a wizard. A flat-faced, slit nosed, black haired wizard.

The head of Lord Voldemort.

"What is it, Soko?" queried the head in the fire. "You know I do not like to be disturbed on small matters."

Soko gulped. "My lord, Bean came into my office today."

"Ahhh, our old friend James Bean. Without his imagination and sewing prowess we would not have this plan or, indeed, know each other."

"My lord, Bean was very...well, I can't think of a word to describe it but he knows too much. He knows Barney's influence in the child sector and what it is possible to do with that influence. I managed to turn him off by ridiculing his ideas, and it seemed to work, putting him down. But I wonder how long it will keep him down."

"Ahhhhh" said the head of Lord Voldemort "a bit antsy, are we?"

Soko gulped again. "No, my lord, but...:"

"Liar" said Voldemort. "Liar. You are afraid that Bean will go to more drastic measures, or he will go to the authorities and point out how dangerous Barney is. He wouldn't get very far, would he? Do you suppose that Bean could convince the government that our friend Barney was having a derogatory moral effect on today's children, what with his song's of friendship, sharing and brotherly love? Maybe the government would see an antitrust suit in order?"

"I suppose not" said Soko, doubtfully, unaware that Voldemort was using on him the same tricks that he, Soko, had used on Bean that morning.

"Besides, we must not forget the greater goal" said Voldemort, eyes gleaming. "If Bean does get in the way of Barney's rise, as I very much doubt he will, then we will simply eliminate him." At these words, and Soko's expression, Voldemort threw back his head and uttered a high, cold, mirthless, piercing laugh that bounced around the walls of the mansion, echoing into the night.