Stepping over the Edge

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom. - Marilyn Ferguson

Chapter 3 - Unwanted rescues

Remus Lupin was walking across the grounds towards the school. Dumbledore had sent him a letter asking if he could come as soon as possible, but it hadn't said what this was all about. But it wasn't hard to guess. Everything they talked about these days only concerned two things, Harry Potter and Voldemort, either way it was probably bad news.

Harry had been different this year. Sirius's death' had been hard on him and Remus had known that it wouldn't be a good idea to send him back to the Dursley's. Still, he let it happen. Harry had blocked himself out of the world. He acted like he didn't care about anything and it was hard to even make him speak. They had tried to help him, but it hadn't worked. Harry didn't want the help, he was happy the way he was. No happy wasn't the word, he was satisfied.

As the year had gone he had pulled back more and more, and now he didn't even speak to his friends. Everyone was worried about him. They didn't know what was going on in his mind, but they did know that it wasn't anything happy. He was falling down a bottomless pit and if he didn't reach out for them soon, he would be gone forever.

Harry needed love, possibly more then anyone else. He had grown up without it, and when he got to Hogwarts they could see a difference. The more time he had spent here the more powerful he had become. Now, when he had chosen to turn away from everyone who loved him, his powers might fade. That was one of the many things Remus had discussed with the Headmaster. They weren't sure it would fade, but there was a great risk it would. Another big risk was that it would become stronger. Stronger for the reason that he might go over to the dark side. No one wanted to believe that that might happen, but they still needed to think about it, to be prepared.

Lupin sighed and looked up at the castle. Inside there were so many happy people. They didn't have to worry about what happened. They were kids, and therefore left it to the hand of the grownups. Harry hadn't been so lucky.

In the corner of his eye Lupin could see something fall from high up in the Astronomy tower. He quickly pulled out his wand and screamed "Wingardium Leviosa!" and then felt the spell catch the object. It stopped in mid air and he slowly let it drift down to the ground. When it landed he walked up to it and looked down on the boy.

"Harry?" He couldn't say anything else. If he hadn't been here, just now, Harry would have been dead by now. It was too hard to speak, to hard to understand.

The boy lifted his head and looked up on one of his father's best friends with his empty eyes. It had been so close. When he finally mustered the power to jump, he had been caught.

Lupin swallowed hard and tried to collect his voice again. "Did you fall? What happened? What were you doing up there?" he said in shock.

Harry pulled himself up from the ground and stared at the man in front of him. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" he said before he turned around and walked away into the castle again.

Lupin just stood there for God knows how long. What had just happened? Hadn't he fallen? Had Harry actually tried to kill himself? Had he jumped? No, he couldn't have. That would be absurd. Harry would never try to kill himself. But what had happened then? He wouldn't just walk away like that, so calmly, if he had slipped and almost died.

He pulled himself back together and ran towards the castle doors. He needed to talk to Dumbledore right away; this was much worse than they had ever thought.

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Harry smashed through the doors and into the Entrance Hall. Why didn't people leave him alone? They always interfered with what he did. 'God damn it!' he thought to himself. He ran up the stairs and pushed some small first years out of the way. Why couldn't people just let him be? It wasn't any of their business if he wanted to die. They had no right to stop him.

"Password please," The Fat Lady said as he walked up to the portrait.

"Dragon egg," he said angrily and then d his way into the common room.

Since it was only around eight o'clock there were still a lot of people in there, and everyone turned towards him when he entered. He was used to their looks, but this time it was different. They were different. Something in their eyes. Was it fear? Relief? Whatever it was he didn't care. He made his way through the crowd towards the stairs and up to his dormitory. He needed to be alone right now. There were too many thoughts in his head. He couldn't handle it.

"Harry, wait!"

He spun around and saw Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Neville sitting in the chairs by the fire looking over at him.

"Come here a second, we want to talk to you," Hermione said pointing at an empty chair next to them.

He stared at it for a second. What was with everyone today? Normally they wouldn't even talk to him, and now they wanted him to sit with them? Like hell he would! He didn't need them. He spun around again and started walking up the stairs.

"Harry, wait!" Ginny called and ran after him, closely followed by Ron and Hermione.

Harry didn't bother to stop he just kept going, at least until Ginny grabbed his arm and spun him around.

"We just want to talk to you Harry," she said, almost pleading.

He looked at the three of them. Couldn't they just understand that he didn't want to talk? Was it really that hard?

"We're worried about you Harry," Hermione said.

Worried, now that's the first. I don't care if they worry about me! I never asked them to. Harry ripped his arm out of Ginny's hand and walked into the dormitory, slamming the door in their faces.

"That insufferable git," Ron hissed

"Ron, stop it. We just have to try again tomorrow," Hermione said as she stared at the door.

"Again?" Ron burst out. "You want to try again? I thought he showed us pretty clear that he didn't want to talk."

"It doesn't matter if he wants to talk or not, we'll just have to make him," Ginny said matter of factly.

"Yeah, you girls are just as crazy as he is." Ron shrugged, getting himself two slaps on the arms.

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Harry didn't even bother changing his clothes; he just jumped on to the bed and pulled the hangings closed. He had been so close this time. If it hadn't been for Lupin he might finally be dead. It wasn't fair. Why did he ho be there just at that moment?

He pulled out the knife from under his pillow. It was so dirty now, covered in dried blood. He never washed it because it served as a reminder of the pain, just like the scars did. He ran his finger across the blade and felt the sharpness. He didn't press so hard that he cut the skin; he never did when it came to his fingers. The scars weren't supposed to be shown to everyone, they were his own. No one needed to know that he cut himself open almost every night, because that would just lead to unwanted questions. He didn't want that, he wanted to be alone.

He pulled up his robe and ever so slowly and cut a deep scar right over his heart. He wouldn't press so hard that it hurt his inner organs, but he still wanted the scar to be there. It would always remind him of what he did today, and how it might have turned out. Harry didn't know if he would try to jump again, but he suspected that Lupin would tell Dumbledore about what he had done, and that would lead to better security at the Astronomy tower.

The blood made its way down his chest and on to the bed, leaving a wet pool. He managed a small smile as he felt the pain take over. He was free, at least for the night. Tomorrow he would have to cover the wound with bandages and go back to his own life. The life he hated more then anything else.

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