Harry Potter and the Forbidden Passage

Chapter 9: Punishment

The drive home from the Ministry was anything but pleasant. Remus seemed to have a permanent frown on his face and avoided looking at Harry directly ever since he returned to the reception with Dumbledore. Harry could clearly see that Tonks was upset too, with emotions of both anger and guilt clearly radiating from her. Consequently, she hadn't let him get more than three feet away from her for the rest of the evening.

To make matters worse, the Weasleys knew something was going on. How could they not? Tonks had apparently put everyone on alert as soon as she knew he was missing. The moment he had stepped out of the lift on the Atrium level, he was swamped with Weasleys, all demanding to know where he had been. But he couldn't very well tell them that he had almost killed himself, walking through the veil. So he lied.

"I just wanted to get away from the crowds," he had said. It seemed like a perfectly reasonable answer, since everyone knew he hated the attention fame had brought him. Tonks had glared at him and her hair turned red on the spot, which Harry was fairly certain she had not meant to do. But she didn't say anything to contradict him. Ron and Hermione had looked skeptical and exchanged a glance, they knew him too well and could tell when he was lying. But everyone else seemed to accept his answer and he just received a few admonishments from Mrs. Weasley for running off on his own without protection.

The car ride back to Grimmauld Place, however, was filled with an awkward silence that was only broken up occasionally by Mrs. Weasley, who remarked on something or other about the evening to try to encourage friendly chatter. But the rest of the car was silent. Harry looked down at his feet or out the window, avoiding the fact that Remus still couldn't bear to look at him, while everyone else was staring at him frequently. By now, all of the Weasleys had gotten the hint that something had happened, particularly after Harry was forced to reveal that Dumbledore had taken his Invisibility Cloak. The air in the car was filled with a nervous anticipation. They were all just waiting for answers and there was an open sense of relief for everyone but him when they arrived at Grimmauld Place.

It was pitch black outside when they returned, but Moody still used the Put Outer to extinguish all of the street lights before they were allowed to exit the car. Harry reluctantly stepped out, knowing that as soon as he entered the house, the questions would start. He didn't think that things could possibly get any worse, but he was wrong.

When he entered the front door, he was greeted by the very grave face of Albus Dumbledore. Behind him stood all of the remaining members of the Order. Snape glared at him out of a dark corner with his arms crossed in front of him. And Professor McGonagall stood just behind the Headmaster, looking at Harry with red-rimmed eyes.

Remus walked in behind Harry and put a hand on his shoulder. "Harry, go to your room," he said tensely, "I'll be with you shortly."

"But-"

"Go!" Remus demanded again, this time meeting his gaze.

"I think all of the children should go upstairs," Dumbledore said. "I am assembling an immediate meeting of the Order." He looked very somber and avoided looking at Harry.

Harry groaned and started walking up the stairs. He wanted nothing more than to lock himself up in his room and be left alone. It was quite obvious what the meeting was all about. Dumbledore would tell them all, even Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, about what had taken place in the Death Chamber. And once they knew, it wouldn't take long before Ron and Hermione knew.

"Ron, Ginny, you heard Professor Dumbledore," Mrs. Weasley said below, "Go to your rooms. You too, Hermione."

There were numerous protests from Ron and Ginny below. They were arguing vehemently that they were almost of age and deserved to know what was going on. But one angry threat from McGonagall to bar them from the Quidditch team shut them both up instantly.

Harry quickened his pace in the hallway above as he heard footsteps begin to follow him up the stairs. "Wait, Harry," Ron called behind him. But he didn't wait, he kept walking straight to his room and didn't even pause to look behind. "Stop, Harry!" Hermione called desperately. He swung his door open and was just about to close it firmly behind him when he met resistance from the other side. But his strength was nothing compared to the combined forces of Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. The door was soon wide open with all three standing in the doorway with expectant and determined faces.

"Well?" Ron demanded, standing in the middle with Hermione backing him up to his right and Ginny to his left.

Harry crossed his arms, refusing to budge from his stance in front of the doorway so they couldn't enter. "Please, just let me be. I don't want to talk about it right now. You'll find out soon enough," he said wearily.

"We want to hear it from you. What's going on?" Ron said more forcefully. "Come on, Harry, you can't keep hiding things from us."

"Harry, we're not idiots, we know something's wrong," Hermione said frowning. "Can't you just talk to us about it? Why is Professor Lupin angry with you? And why did Dumbledore take your cloak? Where did you go tonight, Harry?."

"Are you deaf? I said I don't want to talk about it. Now, leave me alone!" Harry started trying to force the door closed again, despite heavy resistance from Ron and Hermione.

Ginny spoke quietly from the other side of the door, "Isn't it obvious? He went back to the Death Chamber."

Harry froze instantly, but Ron and Hermione didn't stop pushing. The door hit him square in the nose and knocked him flat on his already sore backside.

"Hey!" he yelled as they all took that opportunity to rush into the room.

"Oh, Harry, you did go there, didn't you?" Hermione said sadly, looking very disappointed.

He ignored her and turned to Ginny. "How did you know?"

"I know you've been thinking about Sirius a lot. Where else would you go but the place where…where it happened."

"All right, fine," Harry conceded, "I went back to the Death Chamber. Are you satisfied? Now just go!" He ushered them all out, despite Ron's and Hermione's objections.

The sound of the lock clicking in place was followed by swearing and angry mutterings from the other side of the door. Harry ignored them and flopped down on the bed, crossing his arms behind his head. He gazed up at the dark red velvet curtains, willing them to crash down and smother him.

At least they don't know what happened in the Death Chamber, he thought. But they will, if Hermione hasn't already figured it out. She probably has, she probably knows all about the veil. And she'll think me a fool for nearly killing myself to follow an illusion. She'll get that disappointed look in her eye and tell me that I should have paid more attention in History of Magic or that I should have read such and such part of "Hogwarts, a History". I don't know why the veil would be in "Hogwarts, a History", but no doubt she'll find it.

And what will Ron think? He'll be mad, probably won't talk to me for days. He won't understand. None of them will understand.

Harry sighed and turned to his side, leaning on his elbow and staring out the paned windows over the rooftops of London. This must have driven Sirius mad, he thought, looking out over the city, while he was cooped up in here. No wonder he wanted to leave so badly.

Harry's gaze dropped to the table next to the windows and saw his mother's diary lying upon it. He immediately reached over and picked it up. He paused before opening the book. The thought of what he had read in that book before, along with the nightmares about his parents, still caused apprehension, but, after everything that had happened, suddenly reading the diary didn't disturb him anymore. Things certainly couldn't get any worse than they already were.

Harry opened the diary and flipped a few pages in before he started reading.

September 1, 1975

Well, you know what September 1st means - first day back at Hogwarts. I'm on the train right now, taking a break from my Head Girl duties. Everything has been fine so far (well maybe not exactly fine), proceeding as planned…well almost…

The day didn't start off so terribly. I woke up bright and early and everything was already packed and ready to go. All I had to do was put Frodo in his cage and Mum and Dad and I were off to King's Cross. Petunia, naturally, decided not to come, and I can't say I wasn't pleased with that decision. I hate the looks she gives all of my friends, treating them like specks of dirt that she's afraid will contaminate her.

Anyway, I showed up an hour early for the train, trying to prove how seriously I took my new duties as Head Girl. Naturally, when I got to Platform 9 3/4, the place was completely deserted. No one really shows up for the train until at least a half hour before it leaves. But I wanted to be there in case any first years showed up early.

So, my parents helped me with my trunk and we headed straight for the prefect carriage. I must admit that I had another reason for arriving early - I wanted to avoid seeing James Potter when I stored my things in the compartment we had to share as Head Boy and Girl. But, much to my horror, when I slid open the compartment door, he was already there. Potter was just sitting there, reading a book, like he'd been waiting there for hours.

Then he had the nerve to introduce himself to my parents. And he called me Lily! He never calls me by my first name. He gave Mum that charming smile of his and told her he could now see where I got my good looks. Come on, Potter, can't you think of a more original compliment than that? But it worked a good number on Mum, who was completely taken in by him. He won Dad's approval too by helping with my trunk.

I, naturally, wanted to get my parents away from Potter as quickly as possible. But then, as if I hadn't already been mortified enough, he said something to my parents before they left that I could have strangled him for. He said, "I'm sure I'll see you both again soon." He sounded so confident, so full of himself. Why would he see them again? He was acting like we were a couple, like we were practically engaged. Well, I'll just have to make it clear that that is never going to happen.

But the damage was done. As soon as we were at the barrier to King's Cross saying our goodbyes, Mum started gushing over James and telling me how he seemed like such a nice boy and asked why I didn't date boys like him. Ha, if she only knew! And Dad just smiled in agreement with her. It certainly won't be a fond parting memory of my parents.

After Mum and Dad left, the station was still empty, so I was forced to return to my compartment and try to have a civil conversation with Potter. I thought he would start hitting on me again when I returned, but he just read his book while I skimmed the Prophet. I could swear he was looking at me sometimes over his book though.

Finally, some first years showed up and I was going to help them, but Potter beat me to it. I don't know what he's playing at. We all know that James Potter doesn't have an ounce of responsibility in his body.

Needless to say, the rest of the trip hasn't been very pleasant. After giving instructions to the prefects, I've spent most of my time watching over Potter to be sure he didn't abuse his position by hexing students at random.

When we arrive at Hogwarts, Potter and I are supposed to take the lead carriage so we will be the first to arrive at the school and can oversee things from there. I can see the castle now, so we'll probably be stopping at any moment. I'd better go find Potter and get ready to leave.

So, now it's the wee hours of the morning and I'm sitting on the sofa in the Gryffindor common room. I can't sleep, so I thought I'd update on the rest of the day. The second half hasn't been any better than the first half, in fact it's been much, much worse. I feel so…horrible and it's all Potter's fault.

Naturally, as soon as the train had stopped, Potter had disappeared. I stood outside the doors to the Great Hall for a half hour, doing my duty, before he finally showed up with Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew in tow.

Well, I reamed out Potter royally in front of all of his friends. I told him what an arrogant irresponsible prat I thought he was and how he had stolen the Head Boy position from his best friend. That Dumbledore must have been more of a fool than I thought to give him a position with any responsibility.

I was prepared for Potter to lash back, perhaps even to curse me, but not to stand there like an idiot staring at me. Oddly, Lupin seemed to be the one who was angry and Black and Pettigrew had actually started laughing hysterically. It wasn't until I heard a voice calling my name that I realized why they were laughing. Dumbledore was standing directly behind me. He didn't look angry, but disappointed, and he asked me to come to his office after the feast.

I was so nervous and frightened during dinner that I couldn't eat a thing. I'm just starving now! I wish I could go down to the kitchens. Anyways, as soon as the feast was over, Dumbledore beckoned me to follow him to his office. I thought he might take away my position. After all, I criticized his choice and I have to admit that I wasn't acting very professional when I yelled at Potter in front of the other students.

But I'm still Head Girl. Dumbledore just asked me to be patient and explained why he made Potter Head Boy. And now I feel so consumed with guilt that I'm sitting in front of the fireplace writing this at three in the morning. Dumbledore told me the most shocking thing, Potter actually saved Snape's life last year! The way he acts toward Snape, I thought he'd be glad to be rid of him permanently, but maybe he doesn't really hate Snape as much as i thought. What's more, Dumbledore said that Potter risked his own life and stood up to his friends to save his worst enemy. It's difficult for me to admit, but maybe I've been wrong about him. If James can be kind to Snape, surely I can bring myself to at least bear his company, can't I? Well, I promised Dumbledore I'd give him a chance, and-

That's strange, I just heard a noise by the portrait hole, and when I looked outside, no one was there. But when I returned, there was a tray of food left where I was sitting. Hmm, maybe it was one of the house-elves. It certainly was nice of them anyways. At least I'll have some dinner after all.

Harry smiled, reading these last words, because he had a good idea who brought the tray, and it wasn't a house-elf. He felt a great deal better than he had before until the voices downstairs brought him harshly back to reality. He heard the front door close several times, suggesting that the meeting must be over. He cracked open the door to see if Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were gone, but their doors were all closed and the hall was empty. He pulled out a set of Extendable Ears and crept to the top of the staircase.

"Go," he whispered to the Extendable Ears and they instantly shot out, snaking down the banister into the hall below.

It was Mrs. Weasley's voice he heard first, she was weeping. "I can't believe Dumbledore. Harry wouldn't do something like that!"

There was a familiar sigh that Harry recognized coming from Remus. "You haven't seen him much this summer, Molly. He's extremely depressed. When Sirius died, he felt like he lost his only hope for a family."

"But he's like family to us. Doesn't he know how much we love him?"

"I know how much you care for Harry, Molly, but it's not the same. Harry's deepest desire has always been to have his parents back, and Sirius was the closest thing he has ever had to that. Sirius and James were like brothers and I know that Sirius loved Harry like a son."

"He's like a son to me also," Mrs. Weasley argued.

"That may be the case, Molly, but you have seven children. And you can't deny that if you had to make a choice between any one of them and Harry, you would choose your own children." Remus paused before he added, "As you should."

"Well, I don't know about all of them," Mr. Weasley said with disgust. "I would certainly take Harry right now over Percy."

"Arthur, you don't mean that!" Mrs. Weasley exclaimed in outrage. "Oh," she said with shock in a small, sad voice as she obviously realized what she was admitting. What Remus had said was clearly true.

"Don't fret, Molly, it's perfectly understandable. Listen, it's very late now and I'm sure you've both had a long day and I'd hate to make it even longer. But, Molly, please don't mention this to Harry. He needs to return to some level of normalcy and I think it would be best if he was not reminded of tonight's events."

"Harry nearly killed himself! We can't just act like nothing happened. We've got to do something. Let me talk to him," she said urgently.

"I will handle it, Molly," Remus said firmly, "He is my responsibility now, and I assure you that I will deal with the situation."

"But-"

"Molly," Mr. Weasley interrupted, "Let it be. I'm sure Remus will do what is best for Harry."

"Trust me, Molly," Remus said, "Trust me when I say that Harry's safety is more important to me than anything else in the world. And I will do everything in my power to protect him."

Mrs. Weasley was weeping again quietly.

"Come along, Molly dear, you're worn out and it's late, let's go upstairs," Mr. Weasley said to his wife sympathetically.

As Harry heard movement below, he quickly retracted the Extendable Ears, praying that they wouldn't be seen or heard zooming back up the banister. He moved as quickly and quietly back to his bedroom as he could, shutting the door softly behind him. He waited with baited breath as he heard footsteps out in the hallway. They paused by his door and he heard Mrs. Weasley utter a small sob before the footsteps continued and faded as they went up the next flight of stairs. Only a few seconds later, there was another set of footsteps and a soft knock on the door.

Harry froze where he stood. He knew very well that Remus was on the other side, waiting to talk to him. But this would not be a pleasant conversation and he wasn't sure if he could handle the guilt from causing more pain for a man already so sick with grief.

"Harry," Remus said through the door, "it's me."

Harry took a deep breath and opened the door. Remus looked more careworn than ever. His face was pale and it looked like he had aged another ten years in a matter of hours.

"Sit down," Remus said as he entered the room. Harry sat down on the bed and Remus pulled up a chair to sit across from him. Harry looked at him with trepidation, nervous about what he might say.

"I'm not going to yell at you, Harry," Remus said finally after a long silence passed between them. "I don't have the strength for it. And I'm not going to ask you why you did it. I know why you did it. It's not like I haven't thought about that sometimes as well. But, Harry, that's the easy way out. There are things in this world worth living for, and sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that. For me, you are worth living for."

The guilt wrenched at Harry again like a vice. He didn't know what to say.

Remus continued, "I could tell you that you have to live for the sake of the world, but I want you to forget the prophecy. I want you to live for the people who love you, for the future that your parents and Sirius would have wanted for you. Many, many people care about you, Harry, and I thought your birthday party would have proven that to you. You do have a family of sorts, a motley group perhaps, but one that will warmly welcome you if you're willing to accept them. And someday, I hope you'll grow up like your father with a family that you will create with a wife who adores you."

"Not very likely..." Harry grumbled, thinking that he probably wouldn't live to see that day.

Remus sighed deeply. "All right, I can see that you're not willing to listen to any of this right now and I'm sure Dumbledore already had a long talk with you, so I'll get to the point. Harry, pack your trunk. Dumbledore thinks you should return to the Dursleys."

"WHAT! But Sirius would never-"

"No, he probably wouldn't, but I am not Sirius, Harry," Remus emphasized. "No matter how much you want me to be him, it will never happen. Sirius is gone, Harry, and it's time for you to accept that. He's not coming back. You have to stop being haunted by shadows of what might have been."

"I didn't mean-"

"I'm sorry, Harry, but I am responsible for you now and I have to take that job seriously. I obviously can't protect you here and there is some level of protection over you when you are living with the Dursleys that no spell or charm can replace here at Grimmauld Place."

"You can't be serious!" Harry said desperately, laughing slightly out of sheer disbelief. "I can't go back to them, that would be even worse."

"And I don't want to send you there, Harry, but I have to do whatever I think would be best for you. And what would be best for you right now is keeping you alive. The protection your mother left you with with your aunt and uncle will also protect you from yourself."

"I don't believe this! How can any of you think that sending me back to them would be best? Uncle Vernon would sell me off to the nearest Death Eater if he could."

"I hardly think that's true. Your uncle is now aware of the situation and recognizes how important your safety is." Remus sighed again and looked at Harry. "Harry, are you aware that it's only two days until the full moon?"

It actually took him a moment to understand what Remus was really saying. When he did, he paled as an intense wave of guilt washed over him. He hadn't thought of Remus's condition at all lately. Could his timing have possibly been any worse? It was no wonder that Remus looked so tired and pale.

"N-no," he stammered in response.

"No, I don't suppose that you would. You've been rather busy with your own problems, haven't you? Well, in any case, I'll be going away for a couple of days and I need to be sure that you'll be safe while I'm gone."

"Where are you going?" Harry asked. "Why can't you stay here? Snape is making you the Wolfsbane Potion, isn't he?"

"Yes, Professor Snape has been kind enough to continue brewing the potion for me, but I think Molly would prefer it if I spent my transformation somewhere else. I'm going to my cottage. My parents built a house deep in the woods after I was bitten to provide a safe place for me to transform, away from civilization. It's little better than the Shrieking Shack, but it's home."

The mention of home reminded Harry of something. "But this is your home too, and mine. Sirius left this place to both of us and I don't want to leave. You can't send me back to the Dursleys," he said confidently.

Remus gave a short laugh. "You are far more stubborn than James ever was. You must get that from Lily. All right, Harry, if I let you stay, you have to listen to and obey Mr. and Mrs. Weasley while I'm gone."

"Sure. Fine," Harry agreed quickly. He was grinning. This wasn't nearly as hard as he thought it would be.

"Wait, I'm not finished. You also have to accept whatever punishment I give you."

"Punishment?" he questioned, the grin vanishing instantly. "But you said you understood."

"I do understand why you did it, but that doesn't mean don't deserve to be punished. You risked your life, you treated Tonks abominably, and you ran off without any guards in the middle of the Ministry of Magic. There could have been Death Eaters there, just waiting to find you alone." Remus shook his head. "No, Harry, you have to be punished."

"Fine," Harry muttered, "what do I have to do?"

"You have to write a letter apologizing to Tonks and you have to clean out the attic. We need an extra bedroom here, so the attic's going to be converted."

"But it's huge!" Harry protested. "And I can't even walk in there, it's filled with so much stuff. It will take me weeks to clean out that place!"

"Precisely." There was an odd look of satisfaction on Remus's face. "If you're cleaning out the attic, it will occupy your mind and you won't be locking yourself up in your room anymore and brooding all the time. Speaking of which, the charm on this room has been removed and Dobby has been ordered not to replace it. So no more hiding in here away from everyone."

Harry groaned. This was going to be miserable.

"You do have a choice, Harry. You can either accept the punishment I have chosen or you can go back to the Dursleys."

"That isn't a choice!"

Remus looked like he was struggling not to roll his eyes. "Get some sleep, Harry, you're going to need it," he ordered as he stood up and walked to the door.

Harry thought it would be difficult trying to sleep after everything he had experienced that day. But as soon as his head touched the pillow, he started to drift off a little too quickly. He didn't have time to empty his mind and his last thoughts loomed, not on his parents or Sirius for once, but on what he may discover when he entered the Black attic tomorrow.