States of Mind

James Potter - Paranoid

"You're not paranoid if they really are out to get you." That's what Lily says, some odd Muggle phrase. She says it whenever you get too suspicious of even the smallest, most benign actions, and you know she's trying to cheer you up, but all it does is make you feel worse. Most of them are trying to protect you, to save you even, but there a traitor and you cannot help but look each person as they walk past, wondering if they are the viper you have nursed in your bosom. You know that it's somebody close to you, and that leaves so few suspects, and you don't want to think ill of any of your friends. You think so badly of yourself for daring to doubt Remus, who has been a faithful friend for nearly ten years, and you want to weep when you think of the few brief days you suspected Sirius, simply because of his family. You want to kick yourself for the way you've treated Peter, dear, harmless Peter, who was so hurt when he caught you gazing at him with that look in your eyes. And yet, one of them must be leaking information...

Peter Pettigrew - Vengeful

It's often the little things, the petty insults that warp people. With big things ... you learn how to cope. You have to. But with every little insult, every little rejection, you begin to wonder if maybe you deserve it, if maybe you are as worthless as they seem to think. And once you begin to think that you're no good, you tell yourself that trying to be good doesn't matter, and you can just do as you wish, and avenge yourself on those who have wronged you. And they don't even realize why they will suffer, because their slights were from carelessness and indifference, not cruelty and malice. And they called themselves your friends, but you knew that they only thought of you as a sycophant, not as a real person with real feelings. And the knowledge of what they think is like acid in your veins, driving you forward to fantasies of greater and greater cruelty. But you always thought they would be just that, fantasies, until someone made you an offer. And you accepted, and bided your time, and played the good little suck up, until they delivered themselves into your hands. And tonight, October 31st 1981, all wrongs done you, Peter Pettigrew, will be revenged.

Remus Lupin - Nostalgic

I thought my heart would break when I saw him for the first time. He was his father in miniature, but so much more fragile. He was so much more grave, so much more grim, than any child should ever be. I wanted to go to him and tell him about the good old days when the Marauders roamed Hogwarts. I wanted to tell him about the pranks we played, and the great Quidditch games his father played, everything that I'd clung to for so long. I wanted someone to relive the beautiful, tainted memories of my glory days with. And they were beautiful; it was the only time in my life that I'd had close friends, the only time in my life no one cared about my condition, the only time I was truly happy. But the taint, the disillusionment was pervasive. Every joyous memory contained the traitor, who killed two of our number and sentenced me to a life of lonely despair. And still, through all the hate and rage and bitterness, there was still love there, the carefree affection between four young men with the world at their feet, and that is what I can never forget.

Sirius Black - Depressed

After so many years in the dark, I am not who I once was. Despair will warp you, and I despaired. Now, I am back in the light of day, and they expect me to be as I once was. I can't be that person anymore and they don't understand why. They will never understand why, unless they experience what I experienced, and I would not wish that on them. Not Snape, not even traitorous Wormtail. I cannot even remember what I once was, because it was a happy memory, and my happy memories have faded like newsprint in the sun. They are unrecognizably distorted, and I can't believe that I was ever really that happy and carefree. I was such a fool. I should have known that it could not possibly last, that it was an illusion. Back then I could not imagine that I would be betrayed, that I would be thrown to the darkness and despair like a piece of garbage. I thought that being friends meant something, that they would believe in my innocence. I thought that my so-called friends would defend me against accusations I thought would realize were false. I was the ultimate fool.