Shear Magic!: The Diary of Draco Malfoy

Chapter 2

August 13, Thursday

I had to leave the salon in incompetent elf hands as I rushed Severus to the Arthur Weasley City Hospital. The young nurse who interrogated me when I arrived was not too bright, so my obvious lies passed her "screening" with flying colours!

A part of our conversation went as follows:

Nurse: So, you said you injected this man with a sedative yesterday afternoon?

Me: Yes... I mean, NO! ...my house elf did.

Nurse: Your house elf!! Why would it do that?

Me: Uhm, I... ordered it to give Severus a digestive, and it misheard me...?

Nurse (putting her clipboard down): Oh, I just love digestives! The chocolate-covered ones are my*absolute* favourite!

So...there. You can imagine how that went.

Neville Longbottom, to my surprise, was assigned as Severus' attending physician. He looked like an elongated version of his younger self--still a cross between a hobgoblin and a doorknob--but thankfully, his horrible speech impediments are gone.

Though his bespectacled eyes spelled "revenge at last!" as soon as he saw Severus' rather pitiful state, Longbottom still treated his hated professor with amazing professionalism. Sure, he examined Severus' mouth using an anal probe instead of a big flavoured popsicle stick, but I'd like to think that he did this in good fun!

Anyways, he told me that Severus tested positive for "14 different chemicals that correspond with the properties of an expired animal sedative". Though the offense against the patient was "not undeserved", he said, he was still considering alerting the authorities about the incident.

With a pale face (and a slight loss of bladder control!), I nervously told Longbottom the real version of the story. I had a feeling that he would better empathize with a tale that involves Snape having to be gagged and hexed several times, and, thank Merlin, I was right! In the end, he agreed not to report anything as long as I give the go-signal on treating Severus with the experimental (a.k.a. dangerous) Cruciatus II. FYI, it's a forgivable version of the curse, but still so painful, it can take patients out of a year-long comatose.

Between the possibility of paralyzing Severus for life and being imprisoned in a filthy cell for life, I preferred to risk the former. Longbottom performed the curse himself, and a tad too gleefully might I add; his manic laughter, along with Severus' bloodcurdling screams, could be heard all the way from the waiting station.

Thank Merlin he hit Severus with a memory loss charm afterwards!

Afterwards, Longbottom said that he will come by the salon next week so that I could do something about his bald spots. While I can't afford to turn down a client--especially one so well-connected with other men who have bald spots--I admit that I still dread the meeting so.

It would remind me of my own thinning hair, caused by years of using copious amounts of product.

Sigh. (Yes, I am permitted to sigh on parchment!)

Anyways, Severus is now in one of the guest rooms nursing a "concussion", caused by "falling off a stool". He yelled threats at me the rest of the night for giving him blue hair and "schoolboy bangs", which I accepted meekly. I was clearly not in the position to answer back!

Imagine what he'll do to me when he finds out everything that has happened!

August 14, Friday

Severus is still in the manor, resting. He also refuses to go out looking like "a homosexual version of Harry Potter".

As if he'll ever look as good!

He is currently holed up in the study, browsing our books and "secretly" looking at pictures of my father.

In other news, I told Blaise about the whole catastrophe yesterday in an attempt to cheer him up (at my expense). He just found out that his best girl, Tatiana, has the clap, which means that his profits tonight will be down by close to 50%!

I offered to colour his hair for free, as I had some Blueminous and Seriously Black dye mix left over from Wednesday, but he'd rather me dye his girls' "hair down there" to help with the customers.

Silly Blaise!

August 15, Saturday

Accepted a windfall from Blaise, who made more dirty money last night than he usually does in a week!

Now he's making me dye his "hair down there" as well!

(Sigh. The things I do for my friends.)

We will celebrate our success by taking Severus out for supper tonight at Cabo, a newly opened restobar along Hogsmeade. We managed to persuade Severus to come out (from hiding, not from the closet...yet) after Blaise told him how his "ugly mug neutralizes the supposed awesomeness of his hair".

Why Severus seems to thrive on being as physically unattractive as possible, I really don't know.

--

Evening

We ran into Terry Boot and Ginny Weasley at Cabo!

Terry saw us first, and would have successfully ducked into a corner unseen had it not been for his obnoxiously coquettish date, who waved us over after seeing her "favourite professor" and insisted on joining our table.

Ginny's behaviour may have something to do with Severus' new look, and the fact that Harry Potter broke off their 3-year engagement a couple of months ago. I know this because I subscribe to Witch Weekly...as reading material for the salon...and her crying face was plastered all over the cover.

Terry, on the other hand, couldn't contain his snickers upon seeing Severus. At one point, bits of his osso bucco burst out of his nose from laughter, prompting Severus to put a mysterious potion of unknown effects on his juice. In mine as well, Blaise told me.

I'll worry about this later!

Anyways, our conversation during desserts was rather stimulating. Over bananas flambé and Firewhiskey, an inebriated Ginny told Severus that her "his basilisk is welcome in her chamber of secrets", and that she wants him to "fire up her goblet".

I was in the act of suggesting that she "imprisons herself in his Azkaban", when Terry glowered enviously at Severus, telling him that "Harry Potter just owled, and he wants his hairdo back".

Ugh! People seriously need to move on from the Boy-Who-Lived phase!

And think up of new jokes!

Anyways, at around that point in the conversation, Severus had excused himself to go to the men's room, apparently with no intention of ever coming back. Realizing this half an hour later, those of us left said our goodbyes rather awkwardly and started heading for home. I spotted Colin Creevey on the way out, taking paparazzi pictures of Ginny in her drunken state while Terry attempts to cover her up with his jacket.

How the Weasley family continues to prosper is beyond me.

August 16, Sunday

I cannot believe it. A picture of us taken last night made it to The Daily Prophet's Sunday Society section!

The caption read: Night About Town. Fashion icon and billionaire heiress Ginny Weasley and Gringotts investment banker Terry Boot spotted in London's hippest new restobar, Cabo. They were accompanied by retired Hogwarts professor Severus Snape, who was sporting a chic avant-garde hairstyle, dancer-turned-entrepreneur Blaise Zabini, and a friend.

Harrumph! A friend, indeed!

Outraged, I sent an anonymous howler to The Daily Prophet, telling them about their staff's "lack of reportorial talent" and revealing the identity of "the ethereal-looking gentleman in fetching grey pinstripe robes". I also added that Severus' hair was "the work of none other than this overlooked friend", who is "stylist to the stars" (of Pleasure Coven), and is "the owner of the well-known Shear Magic! Hair and Makeup by Draco Malfoy".

--

Afternoon

I took advantage of my free day to go out and shop for a new pair of trousers, having ripped my best ones last week. The new ones are so tight, you can tell that the Knut I placed in my back pocket is facing heads. Harhar!

--

Midnight

GUH, I just realized that I wrote my supposedly anonymous howler on a monogrammed sheet!