Shear Magic!: The Diary of Draco Malfoy

A/N: Special thanks to my beta, the mad mermaid, for pointing out my errors and giving valuable critique!

Chapter 1

August 8, Saturday

I've just purchased an amazing (and illegal) unicorn horn quill from a street vendor. The more you write with it, he said, his good eye twinkling at me, the more it brings you good luck!

Sure, the quill's stubbiness makes it an absolute pain to use--Mother Nature's way to prevent people like me from using horns as a writing instrument, I believe--but what a steal! It cost me a mere 199 galleons tax-free, which, to put in perspective, is equivalent to the cost of a Harry Potter photograph, signed and sealed with a kiss, tax-free!

Do not ask me why I know this!

Anyways, just look at the rich flow of the ink!

Draco Malfoy, Esquire

King Draco Malfoy

Miss Draco Malfoy

Miss Draco Malfoy-Potter

Master of the Universe Draco Malfoy

Good fortune awaits!

August 9, Sunday

While searching for my stash of specially labeled notebooks down the dungeons this morning (I used to like writing in there--the evil air gave my DADA essays a special kind of edge), I have had the chance to revisit my journals back from my years in Hogwarts. While my writing abilities evidently blossomed at quite an early age, it seems as if I've only exercised my craft during times of great loneliness and distress. Most of my entries, I painfully admit, read as such:

Dear Journal,

Today, the Gryffindor team has once again won the Quidditch Cup.

I am a failure! What is wrong with me? I drank protein shakes 'til I pissed cream! I painstakingly shaved off all of my body hair, including down there, to minimize my wind resistance! I even resorted to doing some shameful things with that Cormac MacLaggen so that he could throw the game in our favour!

FOR NOTHING!

Now, the whole house is tormenting me for our loss, and Harry Freaking Potter is in the spotlight again! Boo hoo, I got a pretty scar and beautiful green eyes and pouty lips! I am miserable and alone, even when I'm flanked by a weasel and a mudblood 24/7! Notice me!

Grr I am so MAD!!

-end-

I've put most of the journals to flames, but have kept a single notebook for sentiment's sake. It's the one wherein I wrote, in alarming detail, about my midnight trysts with Dean Thomas in the Room of Requirement (Dumbledore's Army, I thank you), the first time I smoked fairy weed (Ravenclaw Common Room with the half-dressed Patils, 5^th year), and my first (and only!!) encounter with "magic love beads". If anyone wants to ruin me, this notebook should be the key to do it.

(Note to self: find a good place to hide that notebook.)

Anyways, good luck should come knocking any minute now--pity the unicorn who was slain for my sake--and until then:

So life, as it is, is still marvelous!

August 10, Monday

Too bad The Pleasure Coven doesn't cater to men of my tastes. Otherwise, last night would have been pretty wild; Blaise didn't hold back with the variety of equipment, if you know what I mean!

I wish he didn't skimp on the costumes, though. The poor girls' thongs were as thick as floss!

If only my salon could bring in as many excited customers... Maybe if I hire a couple of window dancers, like the ones in Amsterdam?

Must stop now. I've got a massive hangover; Blaise made me taste-test all his drinks, as he's too cheap to hire a properly trained bartender.

August 11, Tuesday

Severus is coming to visit tomorrow, and I was so excited upon reading his owl that I literally ripped my trousers while jumping for joy!

The last time I saw him was during my graduation party five years ago. He was in the study, "choking on a hors d' oeuvre" and in the process of "being saved" by my late father. On the couch. Naked.

I try not to think about it too much.

Anyways, Severus quickly left "to discover new potions...or something...in another country" after that and I never saw him again.

In his owl he said he wanted to see how I was coping. I've been on my own since my father passed away shortly after that incident (allegedly poisoned with arsenic by an irate business associate) and my mother went away (to forget the loss with your Uncle Herman, she said).

Well, I can't wait. I'm beginning to forget what he looks like, but I am quite certain that he's long overdue for a makeover.

August 12, Wednesday

I forgot--Severus still doesn't know I'm gay!

(Unless of course he subscribes to WANDS, where I had a Mister November spread!)

How will I break the news to him? Will he even mind?

Lunch

I bought some sturdy ferns and a talking moose head from the Weasley Supermart to replace the existing flora, which as of this morning consisted of hydrangeas and peach roses in 17^th century ceramic pitchers. Severus, as I recall, also hates anything feminine (does this mean he likes anything masculine?).

Anyways, on my way home, I realized two matters:

How the wheels have turned!

Evening

Makeover success! Severus now looks like a PlayWitch model with his double-layered, just-shagged hair, and the blue black tones do wonders for his entire-life-spent-indoors complexion!

If I weren't his godson/student/400 years younger than him, I'd do more than tousle his locks, if you know what I mean!

Results like this don't come cheap (10 galleons for the cut, 15 for the dye job, 3 for the back massage), so he'll be well pleased to know that I'm waiving his fee.

Anyways, he must've got injected with too much sedative. It's been 5 hours and he still hasn't woken up yet.

Midnight

I just had a short nap, wherein I had a nightmare/kinky dream about a talking moose head. Severus is still not awake, and is drooling on my seat covers!

Just to make things clear, should this account be used as evidence in court, I didn't force him to get his hair done. He looked like he wanted to get rid of his miserable, ugly mop ever since the dawn of time, and I simply acted upon his implicit wishes!

And I did not bind him with the arm straps, nor was I the one who gagged him with a silk kerchief! My house elf Brianna did that!