Shear Magic!: The Diary of Draco Malfoy

Chapter 3

August 17, Monday

4:30 am

Dear Diary, I cannot sleep. After my stunt last night, I just know that I will soon be facing the worst onslaught of hate mail and slanderous gossip to ever hit The Daily Prophet.

"Draco Malfoy Admits He's A Fame Whore!" the headlines will say.

Or, "Student Reveals He Gave Former Professor A Shag."

Then, sleazy tabloid writers, all of whom have no idea how to use context clues, will reinterpret this into,

"May-December Affair Began With Bad Hair."

Or, "Pretty Prince Professes Preference For Professors."

...

I CAN'T WAIT.

6:00 am

Today's headline read, "Giant Singing Pumpkins to Lead Autumn Equinox Parade; Baby Carrot Choreographers Disappointed."

:(

Looking at the bright side, at least my erratum is mentioned under an interesting obituary:

"Bella--beloved daughter and sister. For all the trouble you've caused-- may the devil have mercy on you. - Mama, Papa, and Ashley"

August 18, Tuesday

Two gay Slytherins came in this afternoon, hand in hand, holding up Severus' picture from The Daily Prophet.

"Snape is, like, god to us," said the taller one with the pierced cheek. "So we both want the same hair, only, I want mine in purple. Is that possible?"

Doesn't he know anything? It's practically the same procedure!

I decided to milk his ignorance.

"Well... it will be very experimental, and quite a lot of hard work. I may have to charge an extra five galleons."

The two boys looked at each other. "Go for it. We can share my toothbrush for now," the other one encouraged.

With that settled, I mixed some Seriously Black with some Blueminous, and then with some Purple Nurple and got to work. They were highly satisfied with the results.

Severus will be pissed once he sees his students tomorrow. But he'll get over it, I'm sure.

August 19, Wednesday

(Note to self: buy Howler-destruction system from Weasley's DIY.)

My ears are ringing right now from the verbal fury that Severus unleashed upon me this morning. Had he not Hogwarts duties to attend to, I believe that he would've come in the salon in person and beheaded me with the shaving blade. He yelled so himself.

In response, I sent him a "Freedom of Artistic Expression" cutout from the Wizarding World Bill of Rights booklet.

In other news, Brianna (the house elf, in case you've forgotten) showed me its bed, which it made out of a year's worth of hair clippings.

I am fascinated and horrified at the same time.

August 20, Thursday

Three Hogwarts girls went into my salon today asking for "The Snappy Potter", which is what kids right now are apparently calling Severus's new 'do.

I did not appreciate the Potter reference, but I let it slide. Who was I to argue with success?

"While I'm ecstatic that this joke is catching on...you do know that both Professor Snape and Harry Potter are guys, right?" said Blaise, who was in the salon the whole afternoon terrorizing me with stories of diseases infecting The Pleasure Coven.

I glared at Blaise for making me lose my customers, which prompted him to blush.

"Oh, they're lesbians. Got it," he whispered.

After explaining to the girls that androgyny is in and collecting their extra five galleons each ("girls' hair is different from guys', it will be very experimental and quite a lot of hard work"), I once again recreated "The Snappy Potter".

The result? Complete satisfaction, as always.

"Boys will want to go out with me now that I have this fab new look!" enthused the lone Hufflepuff.

"You don't have to hide anymore, girlfriend! Live free!" Blaise cheered to her as they were leaving. He's always been very supportive of young members of the third sex.

August 21, Friday

Neville Longbottom came around this afternoon to address his balding problem. After consulting the Mane Man Magazine and Hair Raiser Monthly for some styling ideas, we concluded that it is better to accept the inevitable and shave off the little hair that remains on his head.

"Maybe you ought to start doing so as well. We aren't getting any younger, you know," commented Neville.

Dear Merlin, I nearly killed myself.

August 22, Saturday

Now, I don't want to count my lizards before they hatch, but I think I'm possibly on the verge of hair care superstardom. Today, 24 kids came in asking for The Snappy Potter, and I had to whip out my extra waiting chairs and have Brianna run to Weasley Pharmaceuticals for more Blueminous and Seriously Black dye!

If I'm going to be posing for magazine covers and centerfolds anytime soon, then I need to get my legs waxed, stat!

Anyways, this one Gryffindor, whose hair I dyed with a blazing Bloodpop Red with Gringotts Gold highlights, said he's "excited to let his Uncle Harry see his Snappy Potter". I wonder, is he the same Harry that plagues my dreams, rather, nightmares every night?

If so, he's in for the shock of his life. BWAHAHA!

(Note to self: have Pansy research on patent and trademark restrictions when concerning hairstyles.)

August 23, Sunday

My only day to relax my aching fingers of pure talent was interrupted when Blaise barged into my bedroom in a crying fit. According to him, last night, someone vandalized the front area of The Pleasure Coven with the words "Little Weenie", in bold, permanent, neon colors.

Not only was it bad for business, but it also hurt Blaise's feelings very much.

"Can't you just paint over it?" I asked him consolingly.

"Stupid stuff won't disappear, no matter what I do! It must be hexed or something," he sobbed.

After much deliberation and unsuccessful spellcasting, we decided to add to the message instead. Now, it reads:

Little Weenies Come For Free

I'm not quite sure if it means what I think it means, but Blaise calls it "niche marketing".

Night

Received two owls, almost simultaneously.

The first one I read was from Ginny, who is apparently, according to her letterhead, VP of Weasley Enterprises, Pharmaceuticals and Personal Care Division.

Her owl read:

Hi Draco!

Just read your profile on Businesscorp Wizarding Trend Review. Snappy Potter is a hoot! We're launching a new designer dye line and would love to have you onboard. Let's have lunch!

Best,

Ginevs

First of all, Ginevs sounds like something you contract on a safari, as in, I got bit by a Griffin during my hunting trip so the mediwitch gave me a Ginevs shot just in case.

Secondly, no wonder there were nil articles about me in the daily rags--my appeal is, after all, very high-brow and upper crust! Businesscorp, indeed! What an honor!

I responded to her owl most enthusiastically while ordering Brianna to buy twenty copies of the newspaper. Ginny and I are to meet tomorrow for lunch at Solomon's Ring, a very discreet Persian café offering palmistry services.

Anyways, the second owl I got was from Harry Potter. I could recognize his white owl from anywhere!

It read:

Malfoy,

I want my hairdo back.

Harry Potter

To which I replied:

Potter,

Come and get it, then. My salon is at 65^th Kraizekut Drive corner Knockturn Alley, beside The Pleasure Coven.

Draco Malfoy