So Complicated

I had known for a long time, I was in love with a certain red haired blue-eyed best friend. But, now I don't know how to act. I don't know if I was somehow revealing how I felt with every laugh, look, or sigh. Recently, whenever I see Ron, I want to run away, lock myself in my dorm, hide behind a book, do anything. Everything used to be normal between us. Why couldn't it stay the same?

I'm so scared that the way that I feel is written all over my face.

When you walk into the room, I wanna find a hiding place.

We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that all friends do.

Now, whenever he passes me a book, or lets me borrow his quill, or just when our hands brush, they turn to ice, or I start to shiver. I become nervous and begin to blush. You always notice and smile teasingly at me. I don't feel like myself anymore, like I'm wearing a mask to cover up the way I really feel about you. I see the way you look at me, I notice your eyes. Almost it's as if you know my secret. But, my secret you can never know.

Now a smile and a touch of your hand makes me come unglued.

Such a contradiction...

I often debated on whether to tell people or not. Being everyone is so close in our year, it was bound to spread, and sooner or later, Ron would hear. Lavender and Parvati had asked me numerous times how I felt towards you. I wasn't about to lie, but I wasn't ready to tell. Do I love you? Or is it just everyone talking behind my back, saying that I was bound to end up with you or Harry?

Do I lie or tell the truth?

Is it fact of fiction...oh the way I feel for you?

I want to tell you desperately, but a battle is going on inside me that I can't share with anyone quite yet. One side of me says, 'Hermione! Tell him! Think of all that you will be gaining! Of course he likes you!' But, the other side says, 'Don't be a git Hermione! Think of what you'll be losing if you do tell him but he says no! You're friendship will be ruined!' Then, to myself I mutter, "Welcome to my life."

At times, I get so frustrated, I rant and rave, throw pillows across the room or stomp loudly on the ground. I'm so mixed up. I want you beside me but I want you out of my life! When did this get so complicated?

It's so complicated...so frustrating!

I wanna hold you close

I wanna push you away

I wanna make you go

I wanna make you stay.

I don't know whether to say it or not, whether to be safe and teeter on the edge of the water, or, just take the plunge. I see you in the common room, talking to Harry. I call you over. 'This is it, Granger. Take the plunge.'

"Hi Ron," I say in a normal voice.

"Hey Mione," he smiles the smile that makes me go weak in the knees; luckily there was a couch behind me so I fell.

I want him to know, but maybe I'm not ready to tell him, but he should know. If I feel this sure that I like him this much then he has a right to know! The battle started up in my head again, 'Tell him!' 'No! Don't tell him!' There I stood, at the edge of the water, but I stepped back. "Never mind Ron," I said out loud. "I forgot."

Should I say it?

Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh I want you to know,

But then again I don't.

It's so complicated.

I spent hours in my dorm pouring over how to tell Ron. I couldn't take it much longer. I finally collect myself and begin acting like my old self. But, as I went down to the common room, no sign of Ron. I was slightly disappointed. But, there was Harry, alone by the fire. "Hey," he says to me as I sat down.

"Hi," I say, pulling out my school supplies. "How's everything?"

"Fine, except Ron's a bit worried," Harry said nonchalantly.

I spilled my ink, "About what?" I ask, not caring to notice the line of ink going down my new skirt and spilling onto the floor.

Harry didn't seem to notice, "Well, just been talking about you ALL day and how you went to the ball with Krum and why you did so. And a bunch of other stuff. Got kind of boring actually," he smiled.

"Hahaha, funny," I said cynically. But, inside, my heart leapt, he was talking about me? Or, was he making fun of me for the great prat I made of myself a few hours ago?

Just when I think I'm under control

I think I've finally got a grip

Another friend tells me, my name is always on your lips.

I went back to my dorm, leaving Harry after his 'fan club' arrived. I opened the door to find Lavender and Parvati sitting on the floor. As soon as I entered, they ran to me asking about Ron and if we were dating.

"No, he doesn't like me like that," I saw simply, fighting back tears at the mere thought of what it would feel like if he didn't love me back. Love? Yes, I think it's love.

"Hermione! He loves you! Can you not see that?" Lavender said.

I remained silent, drowned in thought. Thoughts of how I see you peer over your book at me, and blush to the tips of your ears when I catch you.

They say I'm more then just a friend

They say I must be blind

Well, I must admit that I have seen you watch me from the corner of your eye...

I set my undone homework on the ground and climb into bed, fully dressed in my uniform. I pull the curtains of my four poster shut and ask myself in a whisper, "Why can't you say anything Ron?" I confuse myself, asking me all these questions, wrestling with the idea of friend, and boyfriend. I wanted him for a boyfriend, but what if he said 'no'? Where would that leave me? I couldn't be his friend anymore, it would be too weird, too much tension.

Oh it's so confusing

I wish you'd just confess

But think of what I'd be losing

If you're answer wasn't yes.

Why did he have to be so adorable, cute, and funny? Why couldn't he be one of those jerks? Then, it would be easy to get over you, but I don't want to.

I don't like this. I don't understand what's going on. I like things that are laid out in a certain pattern. Like, history. The goblin rebellions will always be in 1672, and the summoning charm will always be 'accio!' Those things I like, I understand. But, what is this feeling that I don't understand? I don't like things that I don't understand, but, I might be beginning to.

It's so complicated

So frustrating

Sometimes, I don't get it. How could one person mean so much for me? Why is he the reason I get out of bed in the morning? Thinking of him all the time is affecting my schoolwork. I no longer to extra credit because I am thinking of him all of the time. Sometimes, I want him to just disappear. But, if he did, I don't know what I would do.

I wanna hold you close

I wanna push you away

I wanna make you go

I wanna make you stay

I lie in my bed, as the battle inside ensues. "No!" "Yes!" I avoid constant stares from my two dorm mates, as if they could read my mind. I don't know whether to say so or not. I might just be acting paranoid, but, it seems like people already know about how I feel about Ron. I don't know what I am going to do...

Should I say it?

Should I tell you how I feel?
I want you to know

But then again I don't

It's so complicated...

When did I ever let a boy affect me like this? It's too confusing. Sure, I've dated, even Dean and Seamus for awhile. But, nothing serious. Just holding hands, a brief snog, but, now that we aren't together now, it doesn't bug us. If anything, we laugh about it.

No one else seemed quite right for me, but, whenever you put your arm around my shoulder, I feel complete. I've waited for so long for someone like you, Ron. Why does this have to be so hard?

I hate it...

Cause I've waited...

So long for someone like you...

Oh what do I do?

I still don't know how to go about this. Should I tell you, should I not? How will you react? So many questions, but not enough answers. I want you to know, more than anything in the world, but, there is always the possibility of ruining our friendship.

Should I say it?

Should I tell you how I feel?

Oh I want you to know

But then again I don't

It's so complicated

I'm going to tell you. I've just decided to wing it. Just do what comes naturally. I get up from my bed and exit my dorm. I look back to see Lavender and Parvati giving me encouraging smiles. Freaky, I think they can read my mind.

"Hey Ron," I say when I meet him in the common room.

"Hey," he smiled his lopsided grin that he seems to save only for me.

"I need to tell you something," I said, as I mentally teetered on the edge of the water. Except, this time, in the water, I saw Ron beckoning me, "Come on, Mione. The water is fine."

"I like you, Ron. I like you a lot," I had done it! I had taken the plunge; I had dived into the water, which felt icy cold.

Ron's face lit up. "You do? I was going to tell you the same thing."

"Really?" I breathed, then, I noticed the water, which I had plunged into, was turning pleasantly warm.

There was an awkward silence, where Ron offered his hand and I took it willingly.