The Last One Left

The Last One Left

Sirius watched as Remus hung up his cloak and pulled off his shirt, he watched as he collapsed upon his bed. He watched as he turned off the light and buried his face in the pillow. He watched as Remus’ body shook with silent tears and he realised he could see no more. As he turned to face the wall, Remus’ tears turned to quiet sobs and Sirius wanted nothing more than to put his arms around him and make his pain go away.

But he couldn’t, all he could do was stand and watch, just like he had yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that. Every evening till every morning, never leaving until the sun’s first rays pierced through the thick curtains. Each time trying to pluck up the courage to say what he wanted to say, to say goodbye just one last time.

He hated listening to Remus’ sobs, hated it because it made him want to cry with him. He knew Remus’ pain, he had felt it before, but only once. But then he had had Remus to help him through it. Only two friends left in the world, just the two of them. But now Remus had to deal with it alone with no one to help him through.

Sirius had heard Remus cry more times this week than he had all the years he’d known him. He remembered the last time Remus had cried. It had been the night Peter betrayed them and Lily and James had died, leaving their one year old son to live with Muggles.

He remembered Remus then. Remus had been the strong one, he had helped Sirius. Telling him not to do anything stupid, telling him to sit down and think. But Sirius hadn’t sat down and thought, he’d acted stupidly. He ended up spending fourteen years of his life in prison.

So many times he had wished he’d listened to Remus, wished he had enough sense not to do something stupid out of grief. He had so many regrets, so many things he wished he’d done.

Without thinking, he crossed the room to Remus’ bed, making no noise. There was no sound of crying now, Remus had cried himself to sleep. He had seen Remus sleep so many times but had never seen him look as vulnerable as he did then. So sad, so alone.

A single tear left a silvery track as it ran down his cheek and Sirius reached his hand towards it, attempting to wipe it away. But he couldn’t, not anymore. He looked down at Remus’ sleeping body, looking at it for the last time. He remembered the feel of his skin, the touch of his hand and wished he could feel it again, just once more. He saw the scar on his shoulder, the one that had caused Remus so much grief, so much pain. Reaching out his hand, he expected to feel warmth but he felt nothing. He would never feel again.

Sirius touched the scar gently, watched new tears form in Remus’ eyes. He saw the moon peek through the curtains and cursed it silently, it would be full in a few days.

Shutting his eyes, he wished with all his heart that Remus would be ok. That he would be safe from anymore pain. It’s not fair, he thought.

"It was never fair."

Returning his gaze to Remus, he sighed. Taking a deep breath he tried to sort out all the thoughts, all the words he wanted to say but had never had the chance. He shut his eyes.

"I’m sorry Remus," he whispered. "I’m so sorry. I never meant to leave you." Sirius looked down at his sleeping friend.

"If I had the choice I would never have left. I didn’t mean too, I wanted to stay Remus, honestly I did." He sighed, "but I couldn’t."

Remus shifted in his sleep, turning his face to the hand on his shoulder.

"I know you wont remember me saying this, but I have to say it. Remember that Muggle theory you told me, the one about remembering things that someone has told you while you sleep, I hope it works." Sirius opened his eyes. "I wish I didn’t have so many regrets, I wish I had told you sooner, if I had I would have one less. I wish I had listened to you, every time you told me to think. I wish I had told you… told you that… I…"

He looked down at his best friend and saw that his eyes were open.

"I love you, Remus." It was barely a whisper but he knew it was enough.

He moved his hand and Remus turned, tears still falling from his eyes. Sirius looked down into those amber eyes, swimming in tears, and felt a tiny silver tear fall from his own. He smiled and heard Remus whisper.

He heard his friend whisper the very words he had wanted to hear all his life.

"I love you too, Sirius."

He lent over and kissed the light brown hair in front of him.

"Goodbye Remus." He whispered as he felt himself fading, "I will always love you."

--The End--