It's Still My Life

"I can´t believe you!" Ron stared at his best friend in utter disbelief. "You honestly don´t know what´s going on, do you?" Harry was beginning to lose his temper.

"Ron, you´ve been avoiding me all day, how the hell should I know what´s going on?" Ron rolled his eyes.

"I don´t mean anything to you do I?" he asked, still in shock. "Nothing!"

"Ron, what in the bloody name of Merlin are you trying to say?" Harry demanded, stomping his foot. Ron was being irritating. Again. Ron sank into the nearest chair and laughed and shook his head in an attempt to make the whole thing look like the joke it really was.

"You really don´t know..." he whispered to himself. "I don´t mean anything in the World of Harry Potter! No, I´m just there aren´t I? And it doesn´t bother you one bit does it? Old reliable Ron, always there to fall back on. I haven´t been avoiding you all day, Harry. I´ve been avoiding you all week!" Ron paused and waited for a response, but Harry was still. He laughed again, misinterpreting his shocked silence as guilt, and continued. "I knew it. I knew you didn´t notice. You´ve been too busy drooling over Cho. Reality check, Harry: She´s out of your league! Yes, she´s even out of famous Harry Potter´s league! What´s the point at longing for something you know you can´t have?" Memories flooded Ron´s mind as he spoke the words he had uttered to himself so many times in the past pondering over an entirely different subject. He was silent for a moment as he thought about her again, knowing she never thought about him the same way. He shook his head to clear it and continued.

"I´m still here, though," he informed him quietly. "I´m not out of your reach. I´ve always been there to support you, to share in your worries, to cheer you up, to follow you in your adventures, to beat you at chess... I was always there. If ever you needed someone to take a curse for you, I´d have done it. I´d have done anything for you. But you never really saw that, did you? You never saw me!" Ron was shouting by the end of his speech. Harry stood in stunned silence, Ron´s words stabbing his heart like a thousand needles recklessly piercing a pincushion. Ron looked down, unable to face him. Awkward silence consumed them and the students who had dared to stay in the common room when the fight had first started. Those who were still left slowly edged up to their dormitories or out through the portrait hole.

Finally, Harry found his voice. "You don´t think I look up to you?" he asked, astounded. "You don´t think I look at you every damn day and say to myself, `Damn, that kid is... is...´"

"Is what, Harry?" Ron demanded, his eyes shooting daggers as he snapped his head up to look at him again. "Is stupid? Is clumsy? Is weak? Is poor?"

"I didn´t--" Harry started sharply.

"I don´t care," Ron dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "I need to go for a walk.

Ron buried his hands in his pockets as he wandered the snow-covered grounds around the school, his thoughts inside him burning like a fire, melting the ice that had began to form around his heart during the holidays. Everyone, it seemed, had caught spring fever a season too early.

Parvati and Dean had been dating for around a month now and seemed delighted with each other. Ron laughed about it, now. He remembered urging Dean to ask her for weeks before he actually got up the nerve to do it. And now, Ron rarely received any acknowledgement from Dean, who was apparently too grateful with Ron´s services to even think to thank him. And even Parvati´s best friend Lavender couldn´t snap her out of the trance she fell into when Dean smiled at her.

Lavender, for her part, wasn´t doing bad in the romance department either. Seamus Finnegan had shown up with a bouquet of orchids and a bashful grin at the quidditch pitch after a game in late November. It had been Ron´s idea to surprise her with flowers and orchids was even his recommendation, as opposed to the cliché of roses. Lavender had been ecstatic. Orchids, it turned out, were the favorite flowers of her late grandmother.

Even Neville Longbottom was having a case of puppy love. Before going to Ginny directly, he had gone to Ron to ask his blessing. Ron had gagged at the thought of it. It sounded as though Neville wanted to marry the girl!
"Well, you are her brother," Neville had said, "And you are protective of her..." Ron had smiled.
"It´s fine, Neville, just don´t hurt her," Ron had warned. Neville had smiled in appreciation.

Viktor

had come to visit this Christmas and Hermione would not stop giggling whenever he mispronounced her name. Ron would not stop grumbling "Say it right, foreign freak," under his breath. Ron´s feelings for her seemed apparent to Harry, but he had said nothing to Ron about it. Viktor had even worked up the nerve to ask Ron what to get Hermione for a Christmas present. Against his better judgement of recommending a wild warthog ("She loves to dissect things... Total biology nut"), he instead answered truthfully and told him to get her the latest edition of Magic Mensa. Those books could be difficult to come by because sometimes you needed to solve a fairly difficult riddle to be able to read it. It had been what Ron was going to get her, but he hadn´t had enough money and had refused Harry´s offer to lend him some.

Hell, Even Malfoy was benefiting from the holiday romance. He and Pansy Parkinson put on a disgusting display in the hall the other day.

Harry had been the only single person in the whole year, apart from Ron. They would laugh about how foolish people acted when they thought they were in love while secretly wondering if it was really as wonderful as everyone claimed it to be. They each secretly admired a special girl out of the hundreds in the school and they each knew it was damn near impossible to make them notice them. And now, Ron had accused Harry of not caring. What had he been thinking?

Ron sighed and pushed his hands even deeper into his pockets until his left forefinger was poking out of the hole in the bottom. He hadn´t bothered to pick up a cloak on his way out, but now he wished he had as a December wind rustled his crimson hair. Sighing, he sank into the snow on the bank of the frozen lake, ignoring the stinging he felt on the bare spot of his legs between his too-short trousers and his torn socks. He looked at the ice on the lake, wondering if by chance he´d see his reflection in the opaque frosty surface. Of course, he did not.

Ron shook his head sadly, thinking of all the things no one ever seemed to notice, thinking of all the times people seemed to forget his name. He might as well not be there at all. It´s not like many people would notice. And many would be better off. Harry wouldn´t have to put up with him or worry that Ron would get into some sort of trouble. Hermione wouldn´t get frustrated with him whenever she tried to tell him something and he didn´t listen. Ginny would have one less brother to nag her. His family would have one less mouth to feed. Everyone would be happy to rid themselves of Ron´s irritating presence.

"They´d all be better off if I had never been born..." he said to himself.

"Careful what you wish for, kid. You might just get it." Ron jumped and nearly screamed as he spun around and saw a woman eating... was that a hotdog?

"Who are you?" The woman stuffed the rest of the food into her mouth and licked the ketchup off her fingers. She was dressed in a white sweater top and jeans. She smiled.

"Who do you think, kid? What kinda gal follows some guy out into the cold weather?" Ron thought for a moment.

"A... Stalker?" The girl laughed an honest laugh.

"That´s funny!" she said in her thick American accent. She sat down next to him on the bank of the lake. Ron was still frowning.

"Who are you?" he repeated. The American laughed again and shrugged.

"An angel!" she replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Her green eyes sparkled with laughter and her brown hair smelt of cinnamon. Her smile disappeared at Ron´s confused look. "OK, what, you think all angels are prissy, `I-can´t-eat-that´ anorexic golden girls? Ha!"

"An angel?" Ron said, doubtfully. Raised as a wizard, he had grown up expecting to come across things like Hags and Vampires and Unicorns and other magical creatures. But even Ron didn´t know angels existed. The angel nodded vigorously.

"Um hm!" she grinned. "Now, what was it you were just thinking about?" Ron sighed.

"Harry... And Hermione... And Ginny... And, well, all of them." Ron shrugged. "They´re all better off without me." The angel looked taken aback.

"Wow! This sounds familiar! Are you sure?" Ron gave her a weak shrug of the shoulders. The angel´s face fell in compassion for the boy as she saw the defeat in his eyes.

"There are people with worse lives than you, you know. I mean, a good example would be Harry himself, he--"

"I´m not saying my life is terrible, it´s just..." Ron struggled to find the word. Finally, he sighed. "Not." The angel raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"Not?"

"It´s... Not life. I mean, it´s like I´m not living. It´s like I´m dreaming and I´m the only one who knows I exist. Admit it, Angel, I´m a nuisance to everyone around me. Everyone would rest easier if I had never been born. Hermione´s absorbed in Krum´s eyes and doesn´t even murmur `uh huh´ when I try to tell her something anymore. Harry is... Well, we all know what he´s been through. It took me a month to get him speaking again after he saw Cedric... And he didn´t even acknowledge my efforts. He´s been slipping into normal routine again and he´s rediscovered his love for Cho Chang and his hatred for Snape... He doesn´t have time to rediscover his friendship with me. And then there´s Ginny, she... She deserves a brother who actually looks out for her. I mean, I try, but I get so impatient with her I just end up screaming at her and she screams back and it´s just one loud screaming contest... I´ll never make a good father, I know that for a fact... And Mum! I´m her youngest son and she is more worried about me than ever because of what Harry and I do... But sometimes I think she wants to adopt Harry and would rather have him as a son than me... You still listening or do I annoy you too?" Ron asked. The angel looked as though she were in deep thought.

"You think everyone would be better off without you, eh?" she finally said.

"Were you listening to a word I just said?" Ron demanded, angrily. Even perfect strangers ignore him!

"Of course, of course," she waved his words aside. "Harry is too busy, Hermione´s in love, Ginny enjoys sibling rivalry and your mom´s a worry wart... You think that everyone would be better off if you had never been born..." Her smile returned and her eyes sparkled as bright as the setting sun. "But you know what, Ron Weasley? I think you´re wrong."

"Oh really?" Ron got to his feet and put his hands on his hips. "You think you know my life and my friends better than I do?" The angel nodded, still grinning. "Wanna bet?"

"OK! But I have no use for money... Tell you what," she said, with a sly glint in her eye. "I bet you you´re wrong. And if I win that bet, then you have to tell Hermione your feelings for her." Ron did a double take.

"What?"

"And if I lose..." she continued. "Then I will help you make a difference in this world so your existence does count for something. Do we have a bet?" Ron hesitated. Finally, he took her offered hand.

"Deal. But how--"

"Hold onto your hat, Ron," said the angel as a wind started to blow around them. "Because we´re leaving Kansas and Totto ain´t coming with us!"

"Huh?" Ron said, confused. The wind stopped and the air was still once more.

"Wish granted," the angel whispered in Ron´s ear.

"Huh?" Ron repeated. The angel laughed.

"Oh, I´m Samantha, by the way." Ron frowned at her, suspiciously.

"What did you do?" he asked. Samantha grinned.

"You´ve gotten your wish. You´ve never been born," she replied. Ron scoffed.

"That´s impossible! I´m still hear!"

"In spirit, yes," Samantha agreed. Ron´s suspicions rose again.

"What did you do...?" he asked again, this time his tone accusing. She smiled weakly at him.

"Come," she said. "I´ll show you." She took him by the hand and led him up to the castle. As they walked down Hogwarts familiar corridors, nothing seemed different to Ron.

"It´s all the same," he observed. "I told you."

"Hush," Samantha ordered as she led him on down the hall to the Fat Lady. "Let us in!" she said in a hurried whisper. The Fat Lady frowned.

"Password, young lady?"

"Octula Nerosis," Ron said. The portrait swung aside and Ron turned to the angel.

"Password´s the same."

"Oh please, you may have affected some things, but a portrait´s artificial intelligence is not one of them. I mean, it´s not like you invented it or anything." Samantha pulled Ron into the Gryffindor Common Room and Ron was confused at what he saw.

Hermione sat cowering in a corner, lost in her schoolwork. But Ron could see her tear stained cheeks. She had been crying.

"What´s wrong with her?" he asked quietly.

"She´s in that corner everyday," Samantha explained. "Teased by the entire school, all she has left is homework." Ron was even more confused by this statement.

"What do you mean? Harry and I--"

"There is no `Harry and you.´ There´s only Harry and not even he can cheer Hermione up, even if he tried," Samantha interrupted.

"What do you mean `even if he tried.´" Samantha sighed at Ron´s query.

"That I´ll save for later," she said.

"No!" Ron ordered, "What do you mean?" Samantha sighed again and nodded to Harry, who was doing homework in the opposite corner as Hermione.

"He´s Hermione´s greatest tormenter."

"What?!" This was too much. "You´re lying!" Ron accused, but Samantha shook her head sadly.

"They aren´t friends at all," she said.

"You´ve got things mixed up. It´s me who didn´t get along with Hermione in the beginning and Harry and I saved her from that troll."

"No," Samantha corrected. "You and Harry shared an opinion on her, but your opinion was stronger. And in your reality, it was your fault she got in trouble in the first place which led you and Harry to save her and become friends. Since Harry didn´t realize that she was sobbing in the bathroom because of something he´d said, he felt no obligation to go after her--"

"Something he´d said?" Ron´s eyes were wide. Samantha nodded.

"He was talking to his best friend about her--"

"No, see, Hermione and I are his best friends. Who..." Ron couldn´t think who Samantha was referring to. Samantha bit her lip.

"Are you ready for this?"

"You´ve told me this much," Ron replied. Samantha sighed again.

"You weren´t there on the train that day to show Harry what his real friends could be like. You weren´t there to persuade him not to take Draco Malfoy´s hand in friendship." Ron´s jaw dropped as Samantha trailed off.

"I didn´t do any persuading!"

"You weren´t there for Draco to make fun of. Harry didn´t see what he was like before they became friends. And when he saw Draco insulting people, he figured it was a better idea to stay away from the receiving end of his anger." Ron was shaking his head in disbelief.

"No, Harry´s not like that... He´s brave." Samantha nodded.

"So he is. And if you were there, you two would be able to stand up to Draco together and Harry would have support. Without you, he´s..." But Ron wasn´t listening. He walked up to Harry.

"Harry?" he said. The boy looked up, but said nothing. "Harry, let´s go play some Quidditch, eh?" Harry frowned, confused, but still said nothing. "Quidditch, you know, with the Quaffle and the Bludgers and the Snitch and... you know." Harry was still confused. Ron sighed. "You don´t want to play Quidditch? OK. Hey, how about we get Fred and George to steal us some stuff from the kitchen and... Harry, you OK?" Harry was looking at Ron as if he were a psychopath.

"He doesn´t know who you are, Ron," Samantha whispered in Ron´s ear.

"That´s impossible," Ron laughed. "He may not notice me sometimes, but he hasn´t forgotten me completely."

"Ron," Samantha said. "You don´t exist."

"Shut up," Ron hissed. He turned back to Harry. "You want to do anything? Anything at all? Oh, wait, I know what this is about! You still mad at me because of that fight we had a while ago, aren´t you?" Ron had forgotten all about their dispute and apparently so had Harry as he shook his head, looking clueless.

"You didn´t have a fight, Ron," Samantha whispered again. "You aren´t best friends." Ron ignored her.

"How come you´re not talking, Harry? You scared of me or something?" Samantha shook her head, rolled her eyes, and gave up.

"That´s it, I need a drink!" she said as she walked out of the common room. Harry began to gather up his school books and went to his dorm, casting worried looks over his shoulder at Ron.

Someone tapped him on the shoulder and Ron turned around to see Neville Longbottom.

"You know not to talk to him," he said. "He´s just broken his friendship with that Malfoy bloke. He hasn´t said a word to any of us since last year before the Triwizard Tournament. Something happened to him... Now, if you ask me, he´s scared. Scared of what, I´ve no clue, but something happened at that Tournament. What, with You-Know-Who on the rise again--"

"What?" Ron asked. "You-Know-Who? What are you talking about?"

"It´s not a funny," Neville said to Ron, shivering slightly. "Not funny at all." And with that, Neville walked away. Ron was terribly confused.

"Samantha! Samantha, where are you?"

"Convinced yet?" Samantha asked from behind him and Ron jumped.

"What happened to Harry?"
"He realized Draco Malfoy had sold him out," Samantha said in disgust. "And he doesn´t trust anyone anymore. He´s almost as lonely as Hermione. And you weren´t there to get him to speak again after Cedric´s death."

"What´s this about You-Know-Who?"

"Harry knew something was amiss in his first year, but he couldn´t convince anyone else of it. Without you and Hermione to help him along, the Stone was stolen and Voldemort succeeded in mixing the Elixir of Life. Over the years, he´s returned and the Wizarding World lives in fear once again." Ron was stunned. He gaped at Samantha, but before he could say anything, he heard the familiar voices of Fred and George. He spun around, hoping that they would be sane in this world.

"Hey Granger," they sneered at Hermione, who looked up with a gasp of surprise. She nodded at them, and Ron could see she was trembling slightly.

"Fred, George," she acknowledged.

"Where´s that cat of yours?" Fred asked with a bite. "Eating another mouse?"

"That was two years ago," Hermione´s voice began to shake. "You can´t--"

"Scabbers had been in our family for years, isn´t that right, Fred?" George said.

"Come on, it´s not like he did anything anyway!" Hermione glared and Ron smiled to see her old confidence coming back to her.

"But he was still our rat, Granger," Fred said icily. Hermione´s strength disappeared. "And your cat killed him." And with that, the twins left the common room.

"Why are Fred and George so cold?" Ron asked.

"They aren´t... But their sense of humor has... shall we say, dimmed in the past few years."

"Why?" Ron asked. Samantha changed the subject.

"Hermione´s not as confident as she used to be, is she? Her will´s been stomped out of her. She stood her ground for a few years, but eventually, without someone to turn to, it was too much."

"But what about Hagrid!" Ron protested.

"She never knew him as well as you remember her knowing him. Harry avoided Hagrid ever since he befriended Draco Malfoy and never formally introduced Hermione to him."

"Well, then, Krum! He asked her out last year, she should at least have a boyfriend!" Ron´s eyes were twice their normal size. But Samantha shook her head.

"Krum never noticed her. She always faded into the background. She never made herself heard. And she didn´t even go to the Yule Ball last year. And now, she´s nothing like the fiery, confident, bossy Hermione you know. Without you and Harry, she´s..."

"Dead..." Ron finished, sadly. Samantha nodded. "Scabbers was Fred and George´s?"

"Wormtail," Samantha corrected. "And yes. He faked his death and got away with it. Buckbeak was executed, but Sirius Black was never caught. However, Harry still knows of Black´s innocence, but only through Draco." Ron shook his head.

"This isn´t right," he said. "This just... isn´t right." He looked around the common room and frowned. "Wait..." he said. "Where´s... Where´s Ginny?" Samantha fell silent. Ron turned to her and grabbed her by the collar.

"WHERE IS MY BABY SISTER?!" he screamed.

"Shediedinherfirstyear," Samantha mumbled.

"What...?" Ron asked, breathless. Samantha cleared her throat.

"She died," she repeated. "In her first year. You and Harry weren´t there to save her." All the color drained from Ron´s face. He´d seen terrible things around him happen, but he had never thought...

"She´s... She´s dead?" he choked. "She´s... She´s dead because of... because of me?" Samantha nodded, slowly.

"Tough luck, kid."

"But... But she was a great student! She did so many things, she..." Ron trailed off. "Eventually, the whole thing with the Chamber was resolved, but Ginny could not be saved. Since then, the whole Weasley family isn´t the same. Fred and George grew a lot more solemn." Samantha sighed. Ron shivered. There was silence.

Suddenly, the portrait hole swung open and the twins walked in again. Samantha´s eyes lit up.

"Ooh, margaritas!" she cried and chased after them.

Ron couldn´t move. His feet were rooted to the spot and he was frozen in shock and devastation. All this just because he was never born? He had never imagined he had such a large impact on the world around him. He couldn´t believe it... Ginny was dead because of him. Dead!

"I... I want to go home," he mumbled. "I need to apologize to Harry. I need to hug Ginny and tell her I love her... I need to send Mum a note and tell her she´s the best. I need to tell Hermione that she´s not alone. I need to donate money to Fred and George´s joke shop... Well, OK, I´ll just tell them that I support them, since I don´t have money... I need to... I need to kick Malfoy so hard, he´ll be feeling it for weeks. Samantha? Samanth!" Ron yelled her name, but she wasn´t there. She looked over at Fred and George with their margaritas and she wasn´t there. "Samantha!" he cried again. He ran out into the hall. "Samantha, I want to go home! There are so many things I need to do... I want to go home! SAMANTHA!"

With a couple of stares, Ron stumbled out into the snow, still shouting her name. "TAKE ME HOME!" he screamed, tears falling from his brown eyes. "Samantha, I want to go home, please Samantha!" When he reached the frozen lake, he collapsed in a heap and began to cry. "I want to live. I want to exist. I don´t care if they notice me or not, I just want them to be happy! It´s still my life and I do matter, if not to anyone else, then at least to myself! I want to go home, Samantha. Please, there are so many things I need to do..." Ron´s cries were muffled as he sobbed into his robes.

"Ron?" Ron stopped crying and jumped. He didn´t look up. "Ron, come inside, it´s cold out here." Ron wiped his eyes on his tattered sleeve and looked up at those bright green eyes and offered hand. Harry was smiling down on him. He draped a cloak over Ron´s shoulders and Ron was grateful for the little warmth it provided. He smiled up at his best friend.

"Say my name again," he said. Harry frowned.

"Ron?" he said, worriedly. Ron smiled.

"Thanks, Harry." Harry sighed as Ron took his hand and Harry pulled him up.

"Ron, I´m sorry if I made you feel like I don´t..."

"Forget it, Harry," Ron grinned. "I know." Harry smiled weakly.

"You mean a lot to me, Ron. And if it weren´t for you, I probably wouldn´t be here today."

"You got that right!" Ron laughed. "Hell, you might be friends with Malfoy!"

"Not in a million years!" Harry laughed.

"Thanks, Harry," Ron repeated. Harry frowned.

"For what?"

"For... everything. For being my friend, for... For being Hermione´s friend. For saving Ginny, for saving the Philosopher´s Stone, for... Everything." Harry smiled and drew Ron into a friendly hug.

"No, Ron," he said. "Thank you."

"Ron, Harry, there you are!" Hermione´s eyes lit up to see them. Harry and Ron broke their embrace and began to cough. "I´ve been looking everywhere for you! I heard about the fight in the Common Room. You two alright?" Harry and Ron looked down at the snow, each turning a slight shade of pink. Hermione smiled at the two of them. Ron was the first to look up.

"It´s good to see you happy, Hermione. You´re not alone, you know that, right? You don´t have to be afraid of anything..." Hermione laughed at Ron´s comment.

"Afraid? What have I to be afraid of. Besides, I´m not alone, I have you." She smiled and Ron nearly melted in her arms. Suddenly, she frowned.

"Oh, yeah," she said. "And I found this on your bed when I was looking for you..." Hermione dug into her pockets and pulled out a card. She handed it to Ron.

On the front was a picture of an angel with golden hair in a white gown, singing, and in the background, Ron recognized the American flag waving. He opened the card and smiled.

Ron,
Thanks for taking me seriously. Remember, we aren´t all the stereotype they show on Christmas cards. I kept my end of the deal, you keep yours.

Signed,
Samantha

"Ron... Who´s Samantha?" Hermione asked. Ron shook his head and smiled at the card.

"Stupid Americans," he muttered. He then looked up at Hermione and his smile widened. "Hey, Hermione, there´s something I´ve been wanting to tell you for a while..." Ron looked over Hermione´s shoulder to see Harry nodding steadily, encouraging him. He turned back to Hermione. "Want to go for a walk?"

Taking Hermione´s hand, Ron led her down towards Hagrid´s and Harry knew well enough to stay behind.