Severus Snape and the Last Year

Level 3.8: The Fall

"You're not in trouble are you?" Persephone asked nervously when she finally decided to visit him during her waking hours.

"No," he said curtly. He had not intended to be curt, but his insomnia often lent to a mordant humor. It was difficult to shed.

"Good," she said, playing with her fingers. "I've missed you...but I thought Dumbledore was mad. I didn't want you to lose your job because of me. And I figured I ought to spend some time with Harry, since I'd been neglecting him."

"I understand," he said. He did, but his sleep deprived brain whined of abandonment. The students would be returning that evening, and he was on the verge of asking Pomfrey to recommend a sleeping potion.

"I wish you liked each other more," she said, stretching her hand out to him. He blinked, a little too slow, and she pulled it back before he remembered to take it. "I guess Dumbledore said, 'no touching'."

"Not exactly," said Severus. "But he would probably prefer it."

Persephone nodded glumly. "Do you still want to play chess?"

"Yes." Severus retrieved the chess set, and they played. It was better than nothing. By the end of the game he felt a little better. This was perfectly proper, perfectly restrained, perfectly unobjectionable.

****************

"Professor?" Hermione Granger approached his desk as cautiously as one might approach a wounded dragon and stopped a few feet away. "Professor Snape?"

He gave no other reaction than to turn his eyes to her. Potter was hovering near the exit, but the rest of the seventh year class had cleared the room.

"I--um, I appreciate that you considered me for the scholarship, sir."

Severus sniffed and straightened the papers on his desk. "It's too late. Mr. Longbottom has already accepted it."

"Oh, n-no," Granger stuttered. "I mean--I'm r-really glad you gave it to Neville--I am--I just wanted to say I appreciated being considered -- I didn't -- I completely understand it's my own fault for -- for jumping to conclusions the way I did. -- Persephone told me...well it's terrible what you went through--I should have known not to--to suspect you of--"

Professor Snape straightened in his chair. "Ms. Granger as a school prefect you should be aware of certain protocols. If you suspect one of your professors of inappropriate conduct, you should report the matter directly to your Head of House."

Granger opened her mouth, but Professor Snape was not finished.

"If your Head of House is the professor in question, you report the matter to the Headmaster and barring him the school governors. You do not attempt to investigate the matter yourself, or spread potentially slanderous theories."

"Yes, sir," she said dutifully. "I swear I didn't tell anyone."

"My point, Ms. Granger," Severus said, fixing her with his best teacher stare. "Is that you should have."

He had the grim satisfaction of seeing that he had managed to upset her. Granger's drug of choice was approval, and he was not about to give her any. Her lip trembled, but it was pity collecting in her eyes, and that made him uncomfortable. "Professor, I'm really sor-"

"If that's all, Ms. Granger," he interrupted. "I would like you to clear out before the second years arrive."

She hesitated, but Potter took her in hand. "Come on, Hermione," he said protectively. There was no pity for poor Professor Snape in his eyes, which was just as well. Severus Snape did not want pity.

****************

Though he would have preferred to forget the occasion, Persephone remembered his birthday. She showed up with a hand made card, which she had gotten several students from Slytherin house to sign. "Happy Birthday to the World's Greatest Teacher?" he read aloud.

Persephone winced while she smiled. "I know it's a little hokey, but there's only so much you can say in a card. And we do think you're a great teacher."

Severus opened it. "Professor Snape; You're really great; We really do appreciate; All the tests you make us take; Hope that you enjoy your cake; Love from the House of Snakes....really?"

Persephone's cheeks were puffed from contained laughter. "Indigo's been on a poetry kick. That was her um...contribution. She will get better with practice."

"Do I get a cake?"

"Um, yes," she said setting the box in her hands on his desk. "I asked the house-elves for a little one since you're not big on sweets, but you still like devil's food...don't you?"

Severus nodded.

"I'm sorry I couldn't get you a real present. I had to transfigure ornaments for everyone this year. It will be nice to have my own money again."

"Dumbledore thinks you may be entitled to some of Harry's inheritance," Severus said as delicately as he could.

"I don't want Harry's money," Persephone rolled her shoulders to shrug off the idea. "I'm sure he'd share if I asked. And you've already been so generous. But I was thinking maybe I'd get a job or something this summer. Then it would really be my own money."

Severus nodded again. He wanted to pat her hand or give her a reassuring hug, but they were being proper. No touching.

****************

Severus wished he could ignore the little noises coming from the side corridor in an unused portion of the Dungeon, but he had been fighting for the reputation of Slytherin House for sixteen years. Now was not the time to stop.

He rounded the corner and grabbed Theodore Nott by the collar, physically hauling him off his girlfriend. Ms. Hedgebottom spluttered and turned scarlet as she scrambled to her feet. Thankfully they were both still mostly dressed. Outer robes had been discarded and spread underneath them on the floor. They were both decidedly disheveled, shirts untucked. Mrs. Hedgebottom's blouse had been worked up to reveal her navel, which she quickly worked to cover.

"Ten points from Slytherin," he growled, setting his expression to his most disapproving Professor Snape mask and making sure his voice dripped with disgust. "My office!"

Mrs. Hedgebottom hastily gathered up her robe, hugging it to her chest. Her flush was spreading down her neck. Mr. Nott on the other hand looked angry and annoyed, shifty eyes already plotting a better hiding place. Severus kept his hand on the back of the boy's neck and shoved him down to pick up his own robe before guiding him forcibly into his office.

"If you wish to disgrace yourselves, you need to wait for summer holidays," he intoned, keeping his voice as free from inflection as possible. It seemed to make the experience more mortifying than if he yelled. "This is a school, not a brothel."

He shoved Mr. Nott into one chair, while his girlfriend sank into the other, covering her face with her hands. He swirled around to face them with arms crossed and his most intimidating glower. Nott was still looking truculent, so Severus focused his ire on him. "Did you have any plans for Ms. Hedgebottom after you'd had your way with her? A marriage proposal perhaps, or just a notch on your bedpost?"

Nott finally looked uncomfortable. Severus doubted he had thought that far ahead. "I don't suppose either of you considered the effect you might have on the younger students, or is this the sort of example you think Advanced students should be setting? Rolling on the floor like a pair of primates." No one ever got that joke. "You have of course considered how you'd support yourselves if Ms. Hedgebottom became pregnant. It is difficult to find work without your N.E.W.T. certifications, but some people seem to manage it. Perhaps you think your parents will help you get established. Should we ask them?"

"Oh, please, no!" Ms. Hedgebottom squeaked. "Please don't write my parents, Professor! Please."

Severus allowed a little mellowing to show. "Hogwarts is not good place to do things you would be ashamed to have others know about, Ms. Hedgebottom. I suggest you think hard about how to guard your reputation, particularly if Mr. Nott is not willing to make that effort."

Theodore shot him an angry glare but was wise enough not to say anything.

"This is your warning," Professor Snape relented. "If I catch you at such disgraceful behavior again, you will be sent home to explain yourself to your parents in person. Am I clear?"

"Yes, sir," Hedgebottom said earnestly, and Nott muttered.

"Dismissed," Severus said, waving them out of his office. Ms. Hedgebottom was eager to escape, but Mr. Nott walked out stiffly. He saw her pause in the hall to wait for him. Not every relationship survived his interventions, but they were the most effective form of birth control he had found. He liked to think they had a better chance of long-term happiness if they considered the logistics of the relationship first. But it was not his job to play matchmaker. It was his job to protect his students, especially from each other.

"He's one to talk," Nott's muttered comment floated back through the doorway.

"Shuttup!" Ms. Hedgebottom hissed at him and hurried him away.

Severus scowled at their retreating shadows. He was tempted to dock another twenty points, but sometimes it was best not to let students know how well he could hear them. Besides, the comment troubled him. He was not sure he wanted to know what Nott meant by it. Persephone had implied there was speculation about him having some romantic interests in a female teacher. Nott may have automatically translated this into sexual interest....then again, it could be the opposite. Many students assumed love was the domain of the young, and it was impossible for a dry, old bachelor like him to understand.

****************

Sinistra fixed him with a narrow stare over the table in the teachers lounge. She had acquired a new set of blood red robes with matching hat over the holidays. "You look grumpy."

"I've been told I always look grumpy," Severus sneered. He was reclining in an armchair and his usual black puddle of fabric. "It's the way my face is shaped."

"Trouble in paradise?"

Severus ignored her and lifted the book he was trying to read a little higher.

****************

Draco came to him between classes with a letter clutched in his hand. He waited until the other students had cleared the room before approaching his desk. "Professor, I got a letter from my mother, and I thought part of it might be pertinent to you."

Severus double checked that the room was clear and raised his eyebrows questioningly. He had decided not to tell Draco that he had worked out his mother's guilt, and he was still debating whether to discuss the matter with Persephone, or more precisely, how to discuss it with her. He was worried his bottled anger might spill out the wrong way. Narcissa had at least kept Persephone alive and hidden from Lord Voldemort, and that was...something.

"I guess I'll read it," Draco said uncertainly. His social etiquette training did not cover situations like this. "Look out for S. I fear the danger that I warned you of may have taken hold of him."

"Danger?"

"She...warned me, in another letter, to be sure my thoughts are my own." Draco seemed to be struggling with how much to say. "She warned me that a Silver Child has some ability to influence minds. She doesn't know it's the same Persephone." Draco lied very smoothly. It was a little disconcerting. Still the concern in his eyes seemed genuine. "But I don't think she's entirely wrong. Persephone's in denial about it, but she does seem to be able to affect people. I don't know if she makes people think things so much as she puts them at ease. They tell her things they shouldn't."

While part of Snape wanted to be angry, Draco's grey eyes were so earnest it was almost funny. He very much wanted Professor Snape to confirm or deny his theory. Professor Snape decided to torture him a little by repressing his response to a dismissive nod.

Draco's face fell. He liked dramatics and wanted a reaction. "I've been doing my best to combat the rumors going around, but I don't know how to explain to people why Persephone's spending time with Potter."

"Don't try to explain it," Severus said dryly. "Persephone's never been bothered by what other people think of her choice of companions."

Draco frowned thoughtfully and seemed to want to stay more, but the next class had started wandering into the room.

****************

Persephone's circle of sixth year friends included Laurel Hedgebottom. She seemed to have grown close to the sixth year girls, particularly her dorm mates. It occurred to Severus that he had no idea what they talked about. He wondered if they had discussed the incident from the other day. Would Persephone patiently back him up and encourage Laurel to take it slow, or would she indulge in speculative gossip at his expense? Either way, looking at them side by side was disconcerting, as it was hard to say which looked younger.

Her quest to learn everyone's name had left Persephone far more popular than he remembered from their school days. It probably helped that he was not there to chase off her acquaintances, though Victoria was an effective substitute if she wanted a little quiet. For the most part, she looked happy, but popularity had its drawbacks. People were confused by her sudden relationship with Potter in the same way they had been confused about her relationship with Draco at the beginning of the year. As Harry Potter held something of a celebrity status while Draco was merely popular, the vitriol that resulted was on a grander scale. Severus tried to ignore gossip, as he had advised Draco to do, but even he caught some of the vicious looks and slanderous mutters shot her way.

Persephone had her well placed defenders as did her nephew. Slytherin's rising Quidditch star, Chesann Blampied, and the Gryffindor team captain, Ginny Weasley, were putting a positive spin on the gossip about the two, trying to explain that it was part of their campaign to improve relations between the houses, but few people were accepting this explanation.

Victoria seemed disinterested in gossip, though a Hufflepuff boy, who Severus overheard make some whispered remark involving that Slytherin slut, had his ears cursed off in Dueling Club. Pomfrey managed to fix them back on, so Severus decided it did not count as a permanent injury.

Draco was naturally attempting to spread some palatable version of the truth, but he looked so tired, Severus regretted not taking more time to listen to his warning. He had wanted to penalize Draco for the lie, but how could he blame the boy for wanting to protect his mother? Still, what could he say to him? Yes, I know Persephone affects me and the Dark Lord no longer trusts me, and by the way, I am fully aware that your mother is the manipulative bitch who made my life miserable.

No, it was best that he kept his silence until he could trust his tongue.

****************

Angry Avery's acrid tongue had had a terrible effect on his own. Before Avery, he had been fairly proper and precise in his speech. While his sentences were not always elegant, his mother had instilled in him a fine vocabulary of which he made thorough use, often to the bewilderment of his peers and delight of his teachers. Under Avery's influence, all manner of expletives seeped into his mind and started slipping out his mouth at unguarded moments.

Avery was one of the last remnants of Bellatrix's court, and Lucius would not tolerate him. The previous year Rabastan had held the remnants of that gang together, but with Lestrange gone, Avery decided to hang about Severus, who he saw as a social equal. He was a rabid if unsophisticated blood purist. Hardly a day went by without Severus hearing the words 'filthy little Mudbloods'.

Severus tolerated this, because as disagreeable as Avery was, he was also one of the very few people to seek out Severus's company. By some odd coincidence, doe-eyed Regulus Black had decided that hanging around the Curse Master was cool. Thus Severus found himself the leader of a tiny and rather boring gang. He understood why unattractive, unpleasant, unintelligent Avery needed someone to follow. Regulus baffled him. Sirius's younger brother was a gentle, well-mannered, good looking, reasonably intelligent fourth year with some oddly childish habits like bringing his toad to the table for every meal.

He had developed a lot of theories about Regulus. The boy was devoted to his mother. His mother was devoted to the dark arts. Her older son Sirius was a severe disappointment in this area, though he excelled at bullying, and Regulus was trying to be everything Sirius was not. So Regulus tried to pursue the dark arts but never bullied anyone. For a brief time, he suspected that Regulus hung around him to get close to Persephone, but while the two got on very well, Severus never saw any indication of romantic interest between them. In fact, Regulus once admitted that he assumed Persephone was Snape's girlfriend, but being set straight on that matter did not seem to lower his estimation of the older Slytherins. Regulus seemed genuinely fascinated by Severus's vocabulary and Avery's foul language but was never very good at copying either. He did try, but the results were almost adorably clumsy.

Severus refused to teach Regulus or Avery any curses, but Regulus read dark arts books on his own. He asked Severus questions about anything he did not understand, and Severus was compelled by his deep love of accuracy to answer. He tried to steer Regulus's unhealthy interest by giving him additional information on counter-curses, potential consequences, and any relevant stories he remembered from his history reading or Auror accounts. He sounded very adult and authoritative when he did this, and Regulus would listen to all of it with a look of intense fascination if not full comprehension.

Later, he would sometimes wonder if Regulus's aspect of innocence was an act, as Barty Crouch's had proven to be. But that mystery was lost to time, Regulus had not survived the war.

Sirius hated the fact that his little brother idolized Severus. Severus hated it too, because Sirius took out his irritation on him. Sirius was too cool to ever admit he was jealous of Snape, but that happy state of being ignored was gone. James had won Gryffindor the Quidditch cup with Quigley's help, which meant he could do no wrong. Sirius had grown tall and rakishly handsome. Lupin had become prefect and reasonably good looking with a bookish charm. While Pettigrew added nothing particularly obvious to the group, his inclusion with the Marauders spoke to Gryffindor solidarity. The quartet gave each other silly nicknames, laughed loudly over in jokes, flirted shameless with their female admirers, got in the habit of hitting anyone who annoyed them with minor hexes. Severus apparently annoyed them more than any other student.

Lily Evans was appalled by this behavior and rebelled by giving Severus the occasional smile or kind word. Which was not terrible in and of itself, but every time she so much as looked at him, he was treated to extra attacks by Potter and even if he managed to dodge those, he would have to endure extra diatribes about filthy Mudbloods from Avery. He had not had the heart to tell Evans she was making things worse for him. Instead he wound himself in a constant state of alert and shot back with his own curses. He did his best to talk Regulus and Avery out of retaliating, but Avery's short temper often got the best of him. Regulus was not a hot head, but twice he tried to do something on his own. Every time, the Marauders assumed Severus had put him up to it.

This resulted in multiple trips to the headmaster's office for him and Potter.

"What is it this time boys?" Dumbledore had asked the third time they were sent up, this time dragged in by an irate Muggle Studies professor who had made the mistake of stepping between them and got caught in the line of fire. Professor Higgs, who was covered on one side by some pulsing greenish bumps and on the other by some sort of flowering vines, left them to Dumbledore and stomped off, presumably to the hospital wing.

Severus could never put words together as quickly as James, so he settled for sulking outwardly and cursing inwardly. Lips twitching with amusement (James was very good at making anything sound funny), Dumbledore had said something wise about fighting rarely only affecting the participants, given them detention, and sent them on their merry way. Severus almost preferred it when he alone caught the blame. After tsking over whatever Severus had allegedly done, Dumbledore usually spared a few minutes to talk books or theory with him.

Sirius liked to blame Severus any time James got detention, regardless of who had started the fight, so the cycle would generally start up again after a few days.

He got a little bit of a break after Easter, when James and Sirius had decided to focus on their O.W.L.s for a while, and he became careful not to get caught in the halls alone. But midway through those distracting exams, he had let his guard slip, and they had pounced on him.

Lily had come to his defense, but physically hurt, more embarrassed and exposed than he had ever been in his whole life, and knowing her intervention would only mean worse later, he had snapped at her with the most hurtful words he could muster. Once out they could not be retrieved. He had stood frozen and hunched, catching his breath, fighting back tears, taking Lily's insults, knowing he had earned them, contemplating how best to retrieve his wand and make his escape, but somehow hoping the ordeal was over. As it was, it would have been one of the worst days of his life, but no Potter and Black were not done yet.

Evans departed in a huff and left him to feel the brunt of James frustration. He found himself dangling in the air again, wand hopelessly out of reach, and James next words froze his blood.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"₁

Someone laughed. Severus thought he might pass out from sheer panic. What sort of sick--? He tried to struggle his robes up for coverage, but gravity was his enemy.

"James!? What the hell are you doing?!?" Persephone's voice stabbed through him. Lily had stalked off, but just to prove the universe hated him, the only girl he cared about impressing had arrived on the scene to witness his humiliation. He genuinely wanted to die.

"I bet Hissy would like to see Snivellus without his pants," Black taunted.

"Of course not! That's disgusting! PUT HIM DOWN!" Severus could not see her, but he could picture the look on her face.

"Hear that, Snivelly?" James said loudly. "Sephi doesn't want to see you with your pants down."

"PUT--HIM--"

"Hey, Hissy, you're not allowed to point that thing at people." Severus heard Black say in a placating tone, as he was dropped unceremoniously once again on his head. His arms crumpled under him, cushioning some of the impact. He had not been quite high enough to break any bones but everything hurt. He scrambled to cover himself and grab his things.

Some other Slytherins had arrived on the scene by then, but Severus could not see them. His eyes had watered and blurred his vision. He was blinking furiously to avoid giving them the satisfaction of seeing him cry. Persephone and her brother were still yelling at each other. Lucius had appeared after a few minutes, summoned by the growing crowd. He had used his clout as head boy to put an end to the matter and guided Persephone away. Severus had followed them limply back to the dungeons.

He had spent the next week plotting the murder of James Potter and Sirius Black. It may have only been the train ride back home that saved them. Persephone tried to sooth him, but he could not even look at her. Every time he did, all he could hear was "disgusting".

****************

He had cooled down to simply seeking their expulsion by the time the next school year came. Getting an 'O' on all ten of his O.W.L.s had greatly improved his mood. His father had had nothing to complain about, which was almost as good as praise.

"You might make something of yourself after all," he had pronounced at the breakfast table.

No one made anything of themselves in Azkaban, so James and Sirius were spared. It also helped knowing Sirius had been disowned, and James' parents had heard enough of the story to ground him for the first two weeks of summer.

****************

Severus tried putting his World's Greatest Teacher card on the mantle in his bedroom. He had tried his office first, but it seemed gauche. He worried one of the other teachers would see it. He knew the card was supposed to fill him with warm, fuzzy feelings of appreciation, but instead it just stared accusingly at him, mocking him from his mantle. Between that and the butterfly on his bedside table, he could not sleep. He tried moving the card next to the butterfly to see if their power would diminish if the physical area they covered was more concentrated, but it only helped a little.

He liked to think he was a good teacher, but World's Greatest was gross overstatement. Maybe if it had been more specific, best Potions Master, or something more honestly subjective like favorite or fantastic. Maybe it was that awful poem that bothered him. It was so childish and impersonal. Had he really considered pursuing Ms. Stump post-Hogwarts? What was he considering now?

He had never understood the purpose of birthday and Christmas Cards. He understood letters. They communicated something specific, but cards just seemed so pointless. Still someone had made an effort. It seemed heartless to chuck it in a bin. He tucked it into a box of letters he considered worth preserving. Before he closed the lid, he realized his real worry was that Persephone simply had a teacher crush, and he was encouraging it.

He sat down with this heavy thought. She herself had implied it was a crush, compared herself to Daphne Greengrass who had a "crush on you too". Severus shivered and fell back on his bed sheets. He had not cared what other girls thought. He had learned not to take such things seriously, which meant her interest might fade away like leprechaun gold.

Even if he could make a case for her being legally thirty-six by lieu of her birth certificate, she had spent twenty years in a painting, day dreaming, but not having any real experiences. There was no telling what sterling qualities her imagination had given him, and no doubt to a student, head of house sounded like a grand and powerful thing. Wishful thinking may have exaggerated her maturity a bit in his own mind. He was too much of a pragmatist to not realize she had flaws, but he loved her all the more for them. He did love her. That had to count for something. It was another reason to take things slow. He needed to give her time to be certain of herself.

Very well. He could be mature. Maturity, propriety, rules, logic. He was good at these things. It was what she claimed to like about him.

****************

At lunch the following Monday, Severus watched Persephone step aside at the behest of Arlen Jewkes. Jewkes was a good kid. Severus liked him. A sixth year Ravenclaw with tousled fair hair and cool blue eyes, Jewkes had never gotten a detention or so much as lost a point since his first day at Hogwarts. He was wavering between a career as a healer or at the Ministry, but he was on a solid track to do either. Severus watched them for a little while before he realized he was staring and forced his attention elsewhere.

Arlen reminded him a little of Persephone's father. Not physically, but there was something essentially kind about Arlen. He was unapologetically good. His family were stable, pleasant people. They looked right together. Two pure, untroubled sixteen-year-olds.

****************

Persephone knocked on his office door that afternoon. He told her to come in and perched himself on the side of his desk, still scanning a fresh correspondence from the American college. Persephone closed the door softly and stepped over slowly to stand in front of him. "Severus?"

Her voice was calm and her face serious, so he put down his letter to give her his full attention. "Arlen asked me to the dance today, but I want you to know I turned him down. I don't want to go with anyone else."

Severus placed his palms on the desk and let his fingers wrap around the edge. "Maybe you should consider accepting the offer. I couldn't take you even if I wanted to. There's no reason you shouldn't enjoy the evening." That was calm and neatly reasoned.

"I don't want Arlen to think I'm interested in him that way," said Persephone. Her eyes still oddly intense. "I don't want you to think there could be someone else. I love you, Severus. If I can't go with you, I don't want to go with anyone."

Words deserted him again. She stepped closer while he tried to gather his thoughts. "I don't care what Dumbledore said. It's killing me not to touch you." She reached her hand out to graze his cheek. Feather light finger tips traced his ear. She stepped into the gap between his knees, rested her hands lightly on his thighs, and lowered her eyes to his mouth. "I love you," she said softly, her breath touching his lips, before her mouth found his.

So much for his fragile resolve. His hands clutched the edge of the desk, and he kissed her back. Deeper and more intimate than their first kiss, he could not help responding. Her lips worked his mouth open, and he could taste her warm breath.

It was everything he wanted. To be loved, touched, kissed, and this was the person he most wanted it from. Everything he wanted, but was it what she needed? He parted from her to draw breath.

"I love you."

The words were wrenched from his battered heart, refusing to go unspoken any longer. He wanted her to understand that. She gasped in quiet delight and moved to kiss him again, but he angled his mouth away by resting his forehead against hers. Their kiss had shattered his delusion that they could continue for months with platonic meetings. After twenty years without human contact, she was quite naturally craving touch, and he did not have the strength of will to deny her if she offered herself. He could glimpse the future if allowed himself to kiss her again. Even if he resisted and reasoned, she would break him down easily. He would become her lover, if that was what she wanted, because he desperately wanted to be. Life would fill with secret meetings and stolen kisses.

When they got caught...he had no doubt it was a matter of when and not if...when they got caught, what did that mean for her? Expulsion or separation. Dumbledore had made it very clear that he would be fired. Her reputation would be in ruins. Even if they tried to explain, she would always be the student who got the head of Slytherin fired. He would always be the Hogwarts teacher that had an affair with his underage student. No respectable person in the wizarding community would hire him. Even if he left the country that was the sort of scandal that could follow one across the waters.

The only thing he really knew how to do was teach Potions, and no one was going to hire him to do that. He had bragged to Persephone about being comfortable, and yes, he could afford a small cottage somewhere. If they wanted for nothing but food, they could get by on his savings. But while he might be quite happy living in a cave with her and a large pile of books, she needed people. She was used to living in places like Hogwarts and London. Her parents had spoiled her a little. She would want to travel and have children. The idea of being a father terrified him. He might forget all that if he let himself kiss her again.

"Persephone..." Her forehead moved gently against his as though this touch was just as desirable as another kiss, so he pulled his forehead away too. "Persephone, you can't come to my office anymore."

It hurt to say it. It hurt to see the confusion in her eyes. "What?"

"I think it might be best if you tried to forget about me." The crease in her brow grew more pronounced. "For the time being at least."

"How could that be best?" she said with a slight shake of her head. Her hands tensed on his thighs. He took them in his so he could think. She took a step back on her own.

"We can't do this. I'm your teacher--"

"I'll drop Potions."

"I'm still your Head of House."

"I'll change Houses." She caught her own absurdity. "I'll drop out of school."

"I can't let you do that. Hogwarts if the safest place for you. The Dark Lord--"

"Can go hang himself! You're allowed a spouse! I don't care if it's unusual. It's not against the rules, and we're not doing anything wrong! I've been in love with you forever, and I'm not letting Dumbledore or Voldewart take you away again!" It was unreasonable to expect her to be patient and rational. She had been wronged. He knew he was causing her pain. Oddly enough Voldewart did not make his arm burn. That was something to remember.

Hopefully a little pain now would save her from deep regret later. "Persephone, please listen. I'm not the boy I was at seventeen. I've done things that I can't confess to you, and I am not a whole man. Life with me would not be easy. You're sixteen--"

Her eyes began to gleam with betrayed tears. "I'm not."

"Every magical measure says you are," he said firmly. "It's not a horrible thing to be, sixteen. I think you might be better off considering boys closer to your own age. You deserve someone you can hold hands with in public, who can take you to dances."

She pulled her hands away to make a gesture of frustration. "I don't care about the stupid dance!"

He had trouble believing that. She had been bringing it up since her fourth year, and by her own confession, fixated on it for much of her imprisonment. His first kiss had been bought with a dress. "Persephone, if you feel that way in two years when you've finished school, we can talk about it. But I'll still be twenty years older than you. People will remember you were a student when I was a professor, and they won't accept it. It will reflect badly on us and the school."

"I don't care," she repeated but with less vigor.

"I care," Severus said softly but with a note of finality. He stood and moved to put the corner of the desk between them. "Now, go away. Don't come to my office unless it's a school matter."

The unshed tears in her eyes were killing him. "I'll wait for you."

"Go."

She turned on her heels and ran out.

****************

Later that evening she walked into the Great Hall with her nephew for dinner. Harry gave her a one armed hug before leaving her at the Slytherin table. Severus wondered how it would feel to watch her walk in with a boy who was not her nephew.

Her sixth year friends were quick to surround her. Persephone's eyes made contact with his as she settled into her seat. The misery in them made him want to abandon the high table and run across the Great Hall to comfort her. But responsible adults did not do such things. He needed to be the responsible adult, so she could have a chance to be sixteen.

Her friend Laurel picked up on Persephone's melancholy and put a comforting arm around her. Laurel was generally a good girl, which made her continued association with Theodore Nott all the more disappointing. He did not trust Nott's motivations, and he had seen the results of hasty unions a few years down the road. The aftermath was always messy. The girls often bore the worst of the fallout, since they were the ones that bore the babies. The rare couple struggled through and made it, but they were always a fall back subject when gossip was dry. He wanted better than that for Persephone.

As much as he wanted her, he loved her more. Love meant doing what was best for her. If that meant putting distance between them to preserve her purity, he would do that. There would be no touching.

****************

He made love to her that night.

She climbed into his bed, ghostly pale against the dark sheets, and kissed his resolve away.

It was only a dream, of course. He had had several dreams of that nature over the years of her absence, but her return had provided his mind with fresh material and produced a far more vivid fantasy. Waking from these dreams had always been painfully disappointing, but now that disappointment was mixed with guilt and overwhelming awkwardness. Her absence had allowed him private indulgence, but to see her sitting alone at breakfast, playing listlessly with her spoon, made him feel like a dirty old man.

Her bleak mood continued through the next Potions class. She said nothing, but her mournful eyes watched him. He avoided her table, so he was not tempted to give her a reassuring touch. Such momentary kindness would only cause her more confusion.

He told himself that it would get better with time. He had seen enough romantic disappointment at Hogwarts to know that the tears faded. No student had ever died from a broken heart. Despite their claims, the world had not ended. Most of them who declared they would never be happy again were smiling by the end of the week.

****************

He played a game of wizard's chess with Professor Dumbledore on Saturday night.

When he told the head of the Order about his decision not to answer the Dark Lord's summons, Albus recommended he not leave the castle alone, particularly at night. He did not tell Dumbledore about Persephone's warning. She hated her talent so much it felt like a betrayal to bring attention to it. Instead he told the headmaster that he had come to recognize some old code of Lucius's that warned him the Dark Lord had slated him for death. Dumbledore said nothing, but Severus saw he was disappointed.

Whether or not he had been wise to skip the summons, the Dark Lord certainly wanted him dead now. Filch had already intercepted one attempt to poison him through the owl post. Charles Warrington, not realizing Severus had recognized him despite the Death Eater mask, had sent him a lunch invitation.

This meant no more meetings with the Grey Beards. Between their absence and Persephone's he was feeling very lonely. He had gone to the headmaster's office under the pretence of discussing Order business and received an invitation to play a game. Their games often took hours. They were slow players and tended to wander into discussions over recent articles from academic publications. It was better than being alone in his room, but Severus found his attention slipping.

"Idiot," his rook muttered at him.

"Knight take pawn." Severus order his pieces. The knight did as told.

"Queen take rook," Dumbledore said cheerfully.

"You did that on purpose!" the rook protested as the queen sent him sprawling off the board.

"You know Muggle chess sets are silent," he said as much to the pieces as his opponent.

"Really?" said the headmaster. "How clever."

****************

February saw the predicted improvement in her mood. She was still somber in their classes, but no longer seemed on the verge of tears. He tried to take comfort that this meant he had done the right thing. On Valentine's Day, she came to dinner with a white rose in her hair, no doubt from some admirer. He asked Sinistra if she knew who and was advised to ask her himself.

He wrote Moonstone University to see if they were in want of any professors. They wrote back to say they were fully staffed but might consider him for future positions. The letter asked if he had any practical experience outside the classroom.

He did but was unsure how to list it on a resume. To finance his search for Persephone, he had made potions for the Death Eaters. Lucius had set him up with a laboratory in an upper suite over the apothecary shop. He would be sent a list of things to brew, and he had brewed whatever was on the list. Poisons, antidotes, salves, serums, unctions, and solutions, he never questioned how they were used. Nor had he been told in so many words who he was brewing for, but that much was obvious. He left the completed potions on a shelf, money would appear for the work he had done. He was never entirely sure who had been paying him, though he believed Lucius oversaw the arrangement.

He had been allowed to come and go as he pleased. There was a pallet in the corner he had slept on many nights to avoid the tether of an apartment. While he had his reservations about the Death Eaters even then, he told himself they could easily find another potion maker if he refused. He was no more involved than the baker who made their bread.

The Dark Lord had demanded a more active role from him after he officially joined the Death Eaters. But how did you put look-out, spy, and double agent on a resume? How did you give references when the wizards who knew first hand the quality of your work were dead, on the run, or in Azkaban?

He doubted Dumbledore would be thrilled by the idea of him running off to America either. The headmaster was already in negotiations with the governors to raise the salary offer to attract a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. He would not relish having to find a new Potions master as well. Dumbledore was not a petty man, but he was fighting a war. Severus had doubts about getting a glowing recommendation from someone who did not want him to leave.

The employment anxieties were not helping his insomnia which seemed to grow steadily worse. He was drifting through his classes on automatic. None of the students seemed to mind, though Draco kept giving him a sad look when he was not staring at Hermione Granger. His pretense with Pansy Parkinson had come to an end. The two Slytherin prefects were going to great lengths not to speak to each other. Severus felt echoes of relief and concern over this, as though the feelings were not really there, but he knew he ought to be feeling them.

He made the mistake of placing his hand on Persephone's table while checking her potion. Her fingers slid over his. Her thumb caressed a cuticle before he remembered it did not belong there. He snatched his hand away and moved to the next table, trying to act as though nothing had happened and doing a fair job at staying expressionless.

When he returned to the front of the room and faced the class, he saw she was struggling not to cry and losing the battle. She hurried out of the classroom when the bell rang.

He had to remind himself why he was being cold but worried he had gone too far. Hurting her made him feel wretched and unworthy, but distance was the only defense he knew.

****************

He had tried to be a Death Eater without being a Death Eater, as though he could slip through the cracks in the war and not really get involved with it. But that was a childish fantasy, and the Dark Lord had no patience for the timid.

"Come along, Severus," Rabastan Lestrange had demanded, while tossing him a Death Eater's robe and mask. "The Dark Lord wants you on this mission."

While Severus did not have the same fanatical awe of Lord Voldemort that some Death Eaters held, he had seen first hand what happened to those who disappointed and disobeyed. Regulus had already panicked and died. Severus knew if he died there would be no one left to look for Persephone, so he did his best to ride out this tide of history without drowning in it.

The Order of the Phoenix was fighting a losing battle. They had entered too late in the game and were hopelessly outnumbered. Sunk deep in his own depression, Severus watched the war like a chess match. Intellectually, he knew that the Death Eaters were killing and controlling Muggles and wizards alike in their efforts to advance their politics, but he did not have enough heart left to be compelled to do anything about it. The Order was merely delaying the inevitable.

He followed Rabastan, Rosier, and Nott to a house on a Muggle street and was relieved to be told to wait outside. "Guard the back door," Rosier told him, and Severus slipped around back to hide in the bushes.

Within minutes, sounds of a brief but intense battle inside the house could be heard. Flashes of green and red could be seen through the windows. The back door flung open, and Severus could see the form of two women squeezing through it. He stood, lifting his wand to guard the door like ordered.

A hoarse cry came from one of the women. "We can't leave them!"

"It's too late!" the second voice, strained but strong, was one Severus recognized. "We have to get out!" Lily shot another spell back into the house, while she pulled her Muggle sister through the door. "REDUCTO!"

There was a loud crash and yells from inside. Severus stepped forward and stopped. He held his wand steady. The blonde woman stumbled out, clinging to Lily's arm and sobbing, "Mum! Dad!" in a desperate way.

Lily turned, ran two steps, and stopped short. Severus could see her face by the house lights. He was camouflaged in the shadows but knew she had seen him too. The look in her green eyes...that look still haunted him. The fierce hate and disgust that cried murderer!, broke through his haze and made him realize he was on the wrong side of this war. His wand drifted back down.

Lily sensed his hesitation and gave her sister a push towards the back gate while bringing her own wand to bear. "Run, Petunia!" She walked slowly toward the gate herself, keeping the wand between them and frowning suspiciously.

Severus heard movement from the house. He could not kill Lily, but he knew simply letting her go would mean his own death. He lifted his own wand and more loudly and slowly than necessary said "Avada--" Thankfully, Lily was quick, and it was obvious to no one else that he had never planned to utter the second word in the killing curse. Her stunner knocked him to the ground, and the next thing he remembered was a concerned Rabastan hauling him to his feet.

"You hurt?" asked Rabastan. His attitude towards Severus had changed now that they both had the Dark Mark. Kind would be the wrong word. Severus could best describe it as chummy.

"No," Severus said, grateful that the mask hid his expression. "Did we get her?"

Rabastan shook his head. "Left a message at least." He pointed his wand to the sky and muttered. "MORSMORDRE!" A glittering but morbid image of a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth appeared in the sky above the house. Severus had been told Persephone's disappearance was part of the reason the Death Eaters had started marking their kills. The Dark Lord wanted to keep the message pure and avoid being blamed for things he had not ordered. "Let's get out of here."

The war became real to him that night. He felt hopelessly trapped on the wrong side of things, but he saw no alternative. The Order was dying. The Death Eaters were winning; their roots in the Ministry grew deeper day by day. Despairing of a happy ending, he delved into dark magic as a new venue for his search. He called on powers he had wisely avoided in his youth. They left his soul battered and bruised but yielded no answers for him, only cruelly tantalizing illusions.

He stumbled into Diagon Alley after his last attempt, feeling drained beyond measure. The dark magic had not physically altered him, but it had fundamentally changed him. He always felt weighted afterwards, tarnished, as though he was dragging around a heavy shadow.

Persephone's father found him near the Leaky Cauldron. Severus huddled in his robes, feeling like Henry Potter's kind eyes could see straight through him. "Hello, Severus," Mr. Potter had said in a careful voice like one might use with the mentally ill. Maybe he looked as hollow and drawn as he felt. "I was headed home for dinner. Won't you join me?"

Oddly hungry, Severus had been on a bleary quest for dinner and nodded at the welcome offer.

Mrs. Potter did not look thrilled to see him, but he had not seen her smile since her daughter's disappearance. It was not his first time in the Potter's home. He had never been there before Persephone had vanished, but he had been over a few times to ask questions, see if anyone had threatened them or demanded a ransom. The first time, Mrs. Potter had blamed herself, not for any rational reason, but for things like giving her daughter an ill fated name or causing her Silver Child condition. She was no longer openly weeping, as she had during that original visit, but had settled into a grim grace.

There were pictures tastefully scattered about the living room from James's wedding. Severus hoped Lily was as happy as she looked in the photographs.

"I bumped into your father today at the Ministry," Mr. Potter told him over the soup. "He's worried about you."

Severus gave him a skeptical look and swallowed a mouthful of warm bread. "He said that?"

Henry Potter was a chronically honest person. "Tobias isn't one to flaunt family matters, but he asked if I had seen you lately, and expressed some concerns over what you've been doing."

"What does he know about what I've been doing?" Severus asked, curious and defensive, but cautious enough to keep most of it out of his voice.

"Not very much, which is what I think concerns him," Mr. Potter said kindly.

"Only thing he ever asks me is whether I've found a position yet," Severus explained.

"How are you supporting yourself?"

"I've been brewing Potions for people," Severus told him. "It's flexible, so I can keep looking."

Mrs. Potter flinched. Severus thought he may have brought up a painful reminder, but a look at Mr. Potter's face told him this was part of the reason he had been invited to dinner.

"Severus, we want you to stop looking," Mrs. Potter said gently. Severus understood what he had taken earlier for repulsion was at least equal parts concern. "It's been three years. James and Lily are expecting now, and I think Persephone would want you to move on with your life too. You were so dear to her, she'd want you to be happy."

Severus blinked at her. He choked down his opinion of James, and the protestation that he considered finding Persephone and finding happiness to be the same pursuit. He did not want to burden them any further, but he did want them to understand and said stubbornly, "I'm not giving up on her."

"We're not asking you to give up hope, Severus," said Mr. Potter. "We're not giving up hope. But we want you to be practical. If you wait too long, your N.E.W.T. scores won't be enough to impress anymore. You need an employment history, one you can report. You need to take care of yourself. It seems like you're fading away, and we don't want to lose you too."

Severus did not know what to say to this and took a long drink of his pumpkin juice.

"Persephone used to tell us that you were interested in being an Auror," Mr. Potter continued in a heartening voice. "Why don't you try applying to the program? The Ministry has considerable resources. What more can you hope to do on your own?"

Severus had considered this option early on and still had the same answer for dismissing it. "The Auror program has three years of training, and after that they would assign my cases. They might not even let me work this one because I have a history with her. Besides, the Ministry is too busy trying to keep the Muggles from finding out there's a war on to devote the resources for a proper search, and there are avenues of searching they'll refuse to explore--" He stopped himself.

Demetria Potter had narrowed her eyes at him. "Some avenues should remain unexplored. There are limits, Severus. The Dark Arts earned that name for a reason. These Death Eaters tried to recruit James and his friends too, and I heard some of the things they promised. But there's always a cost. Look at how our world is paying for it! It would break Persephone's heart to see what some of her old friends have fallen into. I don't want you involved in anything that's going to put you in Azkaban, and I don't want you to even consider using dark magic to look for her. The cost is too high."

Severus felt his insides wriggle but did not want to concede easily. "Even if it's the only way to find her?"

"Yes," Demetria said firmly. "I want my daughter back, Severus, but at least I'm not worried about her soul. And I want her to come back to a world worth living in."

Henry Potter reached out to place a comforting hand on his wife's arm. "We're not accusing you of anything, Severus. But this-this Lord Voldemort, he's targeting the young and displaced to build his ranks. He offers them an illusion of power that is building real power for him, and we don't want to see you fall victim to that. He's already killed Sirius's little brother, and Regulus was loyal to him"

Severus's dead insides seemed to be full of worms, and his arm pained him at the sound of the Dark Lord's name. But he did his best to look thoughtful and appropriately grateful for the warning. What good did it do them to know he had already fallen for Lord Voldemort lies? "I won't make the same mistake," he promised and knew it would be easy to keep. Regulus had refused to betray his brother, and Severus had no brother to betray.

While Demetria kept a remnant of skepticism on her brow for the rest of the meal, his promise seemed to ease Henry Potter's mind. He smiled warmly at Severus and encouraged him to eat second helpings of everything.

It was the last time he saw Henry Potter alive.

****************

He had drifted off while sitting at his desk, not quite asleep, but not awake either. A small giggle from the corner roused him. "Funny how I look this way for you too."

"Persephone?" he asked, unsure he was not dreaming. She seemed a little taller, too perfect, and while it was not impossible she had experienced a growth spurt while he was keeping her at arms length, there was something off.

She smiled and stepped out of the shadows. She was not wearing her school robes, but one of her more Muggle-style outfits with a not quite knee length skirt, high socks, collared white shirt, and a Slytherin tie loosely draped about her neck. She seemed to be copying body language that was more appropriate to Daphne Greengrass, moving her hips more as she walked and playing her hand along the edge of her open collar. One side of her mouth twitched as her silver eyes considered him. "I'm not Persephone," she said in a voice that sounded very like his silver girl's.

Severus scowled. The situation seemed dreamlike, but he felt awake. "Who are you then?" He had a small worry Persephone was trying some ill advised game, but there was something wrong that prickled his skin.

She lifted her chin, taking cruel delight in his discomfort. "Persephone calls me Kagome. I guess you can too." Severus could think of many reasons why someone might try to impersonate Persephone but not why they would confess it or claim she had named them. Kagome's grin took on feral aspect, but she spoke in practical tones. "I'm a boggart, and I know what you're afraid of."

"I'm not afraid of Persephone," he said, slowly reaching his hand below his desk to retrieve the wand from his pocket.

The intruder made no move to stop him but continued her progress towards his desk. "No, you're afraid of losing control." She wove subtly with each word like a cobra. "That perfect, rigid, unrelenting control. You remember what happens when it slips, and you're terrified of it. You're afraid if you indulge with the thing you want the most, you won't be able to stop."

He held himself rigid as she spoke, refusing to betray his rising heart rate to this creature. She placed her palms on the arms of his chair, trapping him, but he had his wand in hand now and held it between them. "Don't touch me."

Kagome put a finger on the tip of his wand and ran down its length. "I could touch you all over." Her finger reached his, and they were solid and soft like Persephone's. She pulled them back, both startled and intrigued by the contact. Kagome...the boggart with Persephone's face, softened her expression into longing. "Come on, Severus. Think about it. You've given me the ability to touch, to feel just like her. I could touch you all over, and nobody would ever know."

The image came unbidden to his mind. Frozen by a congealing mix of horror, revulsion, and, to his deepest disgust, temptation...and curiosity, he could only give voice to his strongest objection. "Persephone...." He dare not cause her more pain.

The boggart shrugged and gave him a sly pout. "I won't tell her if you don't. I just want to touch something again." She reached out a hand for him, and he jerked back.

"DON'T TOUCH ME."

"Fine. You're no fun." Sounding mildly disappointed, the boggart, Kagome-not-Persephone, straightened up and took a step back, while it shot him a condescending look. "You know she's never going to touch you, don't you? You're too old. Too wrinkly. Too worn. She's young and fresh, and she can have any boy she wants. Why on earth would she want you?"

"Get out!" he growled. He knew she was boggart and preying on his worst fears as boggarts do, but it felt like she was scraping rusty nails across his heart.

"Soon enough." She shot him a coy smile as though his pain pleased her. "Don't get me wrong, I'm rather fond of Persephone. I just like you better. You let me talk and touch."

Severus had been trying to remember the spell for repelling the creature, but this distracted him. "You talk to her?"

Kagome, the boggart, twisted playfully, Persephone's silver hair sliding across her shoulders. "Mm...hm. First friend I've had in ages. I've just come back from doing her a favor." She smoothed her skirt and peeked at him from under silver lashes. "Thought she might come down to this part of the dungeon. And then I smelled your fear, and Severus, you're absolutely delicious."

"Ridik--"

"No! No! I'll leave. Please?" There was genuine terror or a reasonably facsimile of it in the creature's eyes now, and since they looked just like Persephone's pleading eyes, it was impossible to finish the spell. Kagome backed away, sulking. "Just tell Persephone the answer to her question is 'Harry Potter'."

"Harry Potter?" Severus repeated. "What was the question?"

Kagome stopped and glared at him coldly. "Wouldn't you like to know!" Any lingering doubts that she might be human vanished as the creature melted into shadow and shot under the narrow crack in the door.

****************

After a few minutes to calm down and a trip to the lavatory to splash cold water on his face, Severus checked the time and walked up to the Great Hall.

He found the real Persephone deep in whispered conversation with his cousin Millicent. He placed a hand on the table to steady himself and draw her attention. "You made friends with a boggart?" he asked in a sharp, measured tone.

She smiled up at him sheepishly. It had been the first time in months he had been this close and not had the desire to hug her. Draco was watching curiously, but Severus ignored him. He wanted to yell a lot of things that would not have made sense to anyone. Instead he said, "In the future would you kindly keep it away from my office."

Persephone winced apologetically. "Sorry." Her expression became mildly perplexed. He knew she was wondering what form the boggart had taken. "She spoke to you then?"

"Yes," said Severus. He would let her keep wondering and hoped her friend never admitted its betrayal. He struggled for a moment over whether he should deliver the message but decided failing to do so might invite another visit. "Kagome says the answer to your question is Harry Potter."

"Really?" said Persephone, her interest clearly piqued.

"Really," Severus said flatly and continued on to the staff table. He had never been this angry with her. Knowing it was irrational only made him more irritated.