Severus

Severus: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

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*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***

You are now the proud owner of a SEVERUS! In order to obtain top performance from your Potions master, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Severus Snape

Type: Wizard, complex

Manufacturers: SpyWare Inc.

Date of Manufacture: January 9, 1960

Power Output: Scary, but not entirely malicious. Prone to sputter and lose effectiveness in the presence of the HARRY or SIRIUS models.

INSTALLATION

To help your SEVERUS unit adjust to his new life in your home, place the trunk in which he was delivered into the darkest room of your house. A basement or cellar is best, but any dark room with the curtains drawn will work just as well.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

You will find your SEVERUS is compatible with most other Wizarding models, including pure-blood, half-blood and muggleborn units. Your SEVERUS unit is extremely resourceful and quite capable of 'fitting in' with most other models. However, caution should be observed should you also own a STUDENT model, and particular care should be taken should you own one of the HARRY units.

The SEVERUS and HARRY models have three modes of interaction:

* Hostile

* Friendly

* Slash

*** WARNING *** It is imperative that both the SEVERUS and HARRY units be set to the same mode of interaction, otherwise misunderstandings may cause excruciating pain in tender places. For example if the SEVERUS model cries, "Wand at the ready, Potter!" the HARRY unit needs to know which wand to reach for.

To choose the correct setting for your SEVERUS and HARRY models, please refer to the descriptions below:

(a) Hostile:

The 'Hostile' setting involves:

* Profanity in both English and Latin.

* Blatant degradation of Houses not their own.

* Accusations about parents' marital status at the time of birth.

* Arguments about who started other arguments.

* Blatant disrespect for one's elders.

* Inadvertent abuse of detention.

Your SEVERUS will address the HARRY model as "Our Resident Celebrity" or "Gryffindor Golden Boy," both with excessive amounts of sarcasm.

The HARRY will address your SEVERUS as "Greasy Git" or "Beakfaced Bastard," both with excessive amounts of teenaged angst.

(b) Friendly:

The 'Friendly' setting involves:

* Relentless banter.

* Sharing of personal items, such as invisibility cloaks.

* Offers to fetch various potions ingredients.

* Offers to teach various curses/hexes, which may be of use in the coming war.

* Invitations to visit local tourist attractions, e.g. Hogsmeade Village, Forbidden Forest etc.

* Friendly duelling competitions.

* Gallant offers of defence against aggressive Death Eaters and/or Dark Lords.

Your SEVERUS will address the HARRY model as "Potter".

The HARRY model will address your SEVERUS as "Professor".

(c) Slash:

The interaction of the SEVERUS and HARRY models in the 'Slash' setting depends upon the rating at which they are set.

Rating 'PG13' involves:

* Smiling warmly at one another (or in the case of your SEVERUS unit, learning to smile).

* Hand holding.

* Knee fondling.

* Kissing (no tongues!)

Your SEVERUS will address the HARRY model as "Harry".

The HARRY model will address your SEVERUS as "Severus."

Rating 'R' involves:

* Pale skin. (that would be pale and jaundiced, not 'pale like the moonlight')

* Scars and war wounds.

* Cascades of raven hair (which may or may not be greasy, please see note on cleaning, below)

* Purposeful misinterpretation of the term 'Occlumency Lessons'.

* Sculpted abdominal muscles and/or Quidditch toned thighs.

* Enthusiastic snogging.

* The use of scarves to hide tell-tale signs.

* Sighs and moans.

* Reverence for vocal tones.

Your SEVERUS will address the HARRY model as "My Beautiful Boy."

The HARRY model will address your Potions master as "Aaah, Severus!"

Rating 'NC17' involves:

* Phials of potions not taught of in class.

* Long, sinuous limbs in a variety of positions.

* Bruises and abrasions.

* Wrists tied to bedposts (or other handy furniture).

* References to 'wands,' 'secret chambers,' 'basilisks' etc.

* Accidents in the Potions lab.

* Sweet spots.

* Screaming.

Your SEVERUS will address the HARRY model as "Sweet Merlin! Yes, YES!"

The HARRY model will not address your SEVERUS coherently because he will have his mouth full.

***CAUTION*** If your SEVERUS is set to 'Slash: rating NC17' he is susceptible badsmut.exe virus (recent releases of this model have virus protection installed to prevent this, patches are available for older models). Said feature includes light streaming off of long raven locks, pure innocent boys taking huge man-organs without so much as a squeak of pain, the dismissal of lube in favour of the self-lubricating arse and rivers of man-juice. If your SEVERUS is showing signs of any of the above symptoms, please send him in for virus extraction IMMEDIATELY. The badsmut.exe virus is extremely resilient and may infect other units you own. DO NOT try to remove the virus yourself! If you are unable to send your SEVERUS in for maintenance, BETAREADER units are available for lease at reasonable prices.

CLEANING

Your SEVERUS will insist that he has already been groomed. DO NOT believe him! The cleaning procedure for the SEVERUS model is as follows, but first you will need to obtain the following items:

* Vial of Draught of the Living Death. (available from our accessories department)

* Bottle of chloroform.

* Pad of cloth.

* Stiff-bristled toothbrush and stain removing toothpaste.

* Anti-tangle shampoo for extra-greasy hair.

* Bubble bath.

* Comb.

* Teeth whitening gel.

* Towel.

STEP 1: Run a hot bath into which you should empty at least three pints of bubble bath.

STEP 2. Slip some Draught of the Living Death into your SEVERUS unit's morning cup of tea. Your SEVERUS is most resourceful and may have already taken an antidote. You will be able to overcome this setback by clapping the chloroformed pad to his mouth and nose while your SEVERUS is still groggy from the potion.

STEP 3. Wait for your SEVERUS to stop struggling and then drag him into the bathroom.

STEP 4. You will find that your SEVERUS is wrapped in several layers of under robes, over robes, and possibly two cloaks, even if you had previously removed all clothing from his room. You may find you will need a second application of chloroform if you have poor fine motor skills and/or you have trouble with buttons.

STEP 5. Manhandle him into the bath, making sure that he doesn't accidentally drown.

STEP 6. Apply soap to all your SEVERUS's components and rub gently. Some components may require a more vigorous rubbing.

STEP 7 Apply shampoo to your SEVERUS unit's head and rinse. Repeat three or four times.

STEP 8. If you did not reapply the chloroform in STEP 4, do so now.

STEP 9. Repeat STEP 7, until your SEVERUS has clean hair.

STEP 10. Use the comb to get the tangles out of his hair. Tug as hard as you like - he's unconscious.

STEP 11. Heave your SEVERUS out of the bath and dry him rapidly with the towel. Speed is of the essence here, as you must complete the grooming procedure before the chloroform wears off.

STEP 12. Use the toothbrush and paste to scrub at your SEVERUS unit's teeth until he starts to regain consciousness.

STEP 13. Reapply chloroform.

STEP 14. Apply teeth whitening gel.

STEP 15. Dress him in whatever clothing you deem suitable (if any). If you own a LUCIUS model, he may be able to lend your SEVERUS a few items that will fit. Something long and billowing in black with a white mask may be appropriate.

STEP 16. Wait for your SEVERUS to regain consciousness. Do not be surprised if, upon waking, he attempts to cruciate your arse. Do not worry, SEVERUS units are programmed not to harm their owner. However, other members of your household (and your furniture) as well as any other units you may own are fair game.

REPROGRAMMING

Your SEVERUS can be issued with a revised 'Half-Blood Prince' program from July 16, 2005. Please see your local bookstore for details of this upgrade.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your SEVERUS to small, rundown houses, particularly when the moon is full. Also, take care with your SEVERUS model around Dark Lords and/or elderly wizards with secret agendas. Make sure your SEVERUS is set to 'stealth mode' at all times, and for the love of Merlin, do not allow your SEVERUS anywhere near a SIRIUS model while both are on the 'hostile' setting. If this does occur, both units must be sent to our repair centre at St. Mungo's for immediate maintenance and reprogramming.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: You notice your SEVERUS rubbing his arm. He insists he is fine.

Solution: Your SEVERUS wishes to visit with his friends from the local Country Club. If you do not wish your SEVERUS unit to leave your home, rent a VOLDEMORT unit for the weekend.

Problem: Your SEVERUS keeps getting telephone calls from an ALBUS model asking when HARRY can resume his 'remedial potion lessons'. Your SEVERUS keeps saying "Never!"

Solution: Tell your SEVERUS that when he arrives, you will switch the HARRY's settings to 'pet', and all should be fine.

Problem: Your SEVERUS unit insists on wandering around your house at night.

Solution: Your SEVERUS requires very little sleep in order to maintain optimum performance. This is due to his advanced 'Berating-Students-Out-After-Curfew' functionality. If you do not own a STUDENT unit, have your SEVERUS 'berate' you instead.

***CAUTION*** If you have a significant other, please make sure the 'stealth' settings on your SEVERUS unit are fully functional. SpyWare Inc. disclaims any and all responsibility for damaged sustained and/or pain and suffering caused, should your SO find a SEVERUS unit 'berating' you in your hallway.

Problem: Your recently purchased HERMIONE model keeps following your SEVERUS unit around the house. Even with your SEVERUS set to 'super stealth' mode she still manages to find him.

Solution: Make sure you have the CANON!HERMIONE model and not the cheap imitation Hermione!Sue model and your SEVERUS and HERMIONE should stay far apart. If you have accidentally obtained a Hermione!Sue model, borrow your neighbour's VOLDEMORT or LUCIUS models to help you get rid of her.

TECHNICAL FAQ

Q: I have read in some Fan Fiction that my SEVERUS could become pregnant. Is this true?

A: Absolutely not! Nor can he be transformed into a woman or lose his sarcastic ability to make STUDENT models tremble. Contrary to Fan Fiction lore, your SEVERUS is unlikely to become injured at the drop of a hat or fall hopelessly in love with a teenage girl who has been miraculously transported from America to Scotland and claims to be an exchange student.

Q: Where should I store my SEVERUS when he is not in use?

A: Technically speaking your SEVERUS should be kept in a dungeon when not in use, however, a dank, dingy basement will work just as well. Wrap him in several layers of robes and cloaks and he will stay in perfect working order. If your SEVERUS and HARRY models are both set to 'Slash' mode, you may find that you have to put the boy-who-lived in the basement too.

Q: Can I purchase a second SEVERUS?

A: NO. Due to the popularity of the SEVERUS model, only one unit per household is allowed. If you require a second SEVERUS for the purpose of having one set to 'Order of the Pheonix' mode and one set to 'Death Eater' mode, our suggestion is to choose ONE setting, purchase a model from the opposing side and STOP BEING SO GREEDY!

Q: My SEVERUS insists on following that weedy quiet kid and his Gryffinbrat friends at night. What should I do?

A: Enlist the help of the Gryffinbrats. The SIRIUS model in particular. Do not worry for your SEVERUS unit's well being, the JAMES model's 'hero' setting should kick in before the MOONY model does any damage. Your SEVERUS will be resentful and snarky, but will stop following the Gryffinbrats in favour of joining a local social club. At this point you will need to purchase a 'Death Eater' kit from our accessories department.

FINAL NOTE

Due to the duality of your SEVERUS model, you will find you have not been issued with a guarantee. Owners who are readily familiar with the 7-year extended warranty supplied with the HARRY units may find this somewhat of a disappointment. Such is the nature of all SpyWare Inc. models. Be consoled with the thought that at least your SEVERUS did not use all your hair conditioner or rose scented bodywash.