Lucius: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***

You are now the proud owner of a LUCIUS! In order to obtain top performance from your Senior Death Eater, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual. Please note that this document refers to the following versions of the LUCIUS model:

(a) Mark I LUCIUS (Rowling, 1997)

(b) Mark II LUCIUS (Kloves/Isaacs, 2001)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Lucius Malfoy

Type: Wizard, pure-blood

Manufacturers: Pure-Blood's'R'Us Pty Ltd.

Date of Manufacture: 1954

Length: 12 and 1/2 inches (Note: This measurement is in reference to his wand. No, the other one.)

Power Output: Awesome

INSTALLATION

If your LUCIUS is reluctant to emerge from his packaging, entice him out by offering him Muggles to torture, or, alternatively, vast amounts power and a prominent position in government. If your Lucius is not as perfect and haughty as you expected, he may be running the new 'Post OotP' patch. If this is the case, your LUCIUS model may need intense care and comforting bed rest for the first week or so.

OPERATING PROCEDURE

The chance of persuading a Death Eater to do anything that he doesn't want to is as slim as an anorexic Veela, so best let your LUCIUS get on with his own tasks. You never know, some of them might prove useful.

***EXCEPTION*** In the unlikely event you are a Dark Lord, your LUCIUS model will do whatever you ask of him.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

You will find that your LUCIUS is compatible with most other witches and wizards. However, caution should be exercised with respect to using your LUCIUS in conjunction with any Hogwarts model other than the SEVERUS or other Slytherin units. Your LUCIUS model is not compatible with any half-blood models or any Gryffindor models, including the HARRY model, but excluding the PETER model. If your LUCIUS does come into contact with any of the aforementioned models, be prepared for the carnage that will ensue.

CLEANING

Depending on the uses to which you put your LUCIUS, you may have to clean him on a daily basis. Your LUCIUS may insist that cleaning charms are enough. They ARE NOT. We cannot stress this enough. Many LUCIUS models have had to be returned for maintenance because the owners cowed and let him get away with only using cleaning charms. For more stubborn stains (e.g. whipped cream, chocolate mousse or baby lotion), hand apply a body wash.

LUBRICATION

To ensure that your LUCIUS remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.

Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your LUCIUS is beyond the scope of this manual. For more information, please refer to http://inkstain.inkquill.net/

SECURITY

Due to the popularity of the LUCIUS (especially the Mk II), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for safekeeping.

* Have your LUCIUS micro-chipped. The number for your closest service engineer who is experienced in the handling of Death Eaters is enclosed in the packaging.

* Do not leave your LUCIUS unattended in public.

* Do not lend your LUCIUS to anyone (e.g. best friend, sister, Nimori, Maeglin, etc).

* Do not leave your LUCIUS on the passenger seat of the car in full view of passers by.

*Do not allow your children to take your LUCIUS to school for 'news day'.

*** CAUTION *** Your LUCIUS may tell you that the best way to keep from getting lost is to tie his wrists to the bedposts with silk scarves. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with security.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: Your LUCIUS has disheveled hair, torn clothes, love-bites and a dazed expression.

Solution: Adjust the 'Slash' setting on both your LUCIUS and SEVERUS models from NC-17 to PG-13. Alternatively, make certain your video camera is charged and running.

Problem: Your LUCIUS has developed the habit of caressing his cane and caressing and/or hitting others with it.

Solution: This became a common problem with the Mk II LUCIUS after the infamous 'Flourish and Blotts' upgrade in December 2002. The only solution is to confiscate his cane and the snake head, leaving him only the wand.

Problem: Minutes after you open your LUCIUS, your front garden becomes inundated with screaming teenage girls wielding 'Marry Me, Jason!' banners.

Solution: This phenomenon is not unknown with the Mk II LUCIUS. Take the following steps:

(1) It essential that you hide your LUCIUS. Do not hide him in the bedroom - it is the first place they will look.

(2) Tell the fan-girls that 'Peter Pan' is showing at your local cinema. They will soon disappear.

(3) Tell any remaining fan-girls that you have an Mk I LUCIUS. Most of them will lose interest since they probably have only a vague understanding of the Rowling (1997) model. Any that are left are probably quite decent people. Invite them in for butterbeer and begin a discussion about whether LUCIUS would really have been friends with SEVERUS while they were at Hogwarts. While they are arguing, sneak out with your LUCIUS and head for the nearest five star wizarding resort. Lie low for a few days.

Problem: Your LUCIUS is upset because your SEVERUS model keeps disappearing to the basement to 'work on his potions'.

Solution: Tell your SEVERUS that those Basilisk scales you painstakingly retrieved can bloody well go back to that thrice damned chamber they came from. If your SEVERUS tells you that he is working on a magically charged massage oil, relay this message to your LUCIUS model and everything should be fine. If your SEVERUS has no good reason for hiding in your basement, tell him you will be renting a VOLEMORT unit for the weekend, changing his settings to darkfic! NC-17, and running the 'spy is caught' program.

TECHNICAL FAQ

Q: I have heard that it is possible to breed from my LUCIUS. Is this true?

A: Yes, it is. It involves carefully inserting the extension lead of your LUCIUS into the socket of an NARCISSA unit. The technical details of this procedure can be found on a variety of Fan Fiction sites.

***CAUTION*** You may end up with annoying offspring that need constant bitchslapping. It is not advisable to breed from your LUCIUS without knowing the full benefits/pitfalls.

*** NOTE *** Do not be confused by some Fan Fiction writers who insist that it is possible to breed from a LUCIUS by plugging him into either a SEVERUS or HARRY model. The union of your LUCIUS with either of these two models may result in many phenomena (e.g. broken bedsprings, keening cries of passion etc.), but a child is not one of them.

Q: I have heard that some LUCIUS models do not come with a cane. How can this be?

A: You have heard about the Mk I LUCIUS, and are obviously not familiar with book canon. You may order a cane from our accessories department, but it is known for Mk I models to refuse them. Our advice is to purchase an Mk II model, or READ the bloody books. The books are also available in audio format, if that is more to your liking.

Q: My LUCIUS is being kind and courteous to my neighbour's TRIO models. This is not why I ordered him. Please help!

A: Your LUCIUS has been infected with the redeem!me.exe virus. Please send him in for maintenance and virus extraction IMMEDIATELY.

Q: My LUCIUS refuses to wear leather. Why is this?

A: Fanon LUCIUS models have not and will not be released. Live with it. 12-step programs are available at a number of fanfiction sites and Live Journal communities.

FINAL NOTE

You will get many years' service out of your LUCIUS unit. However there may come a time when your neighbour's HARRY unit will attack and destroy the nearest VOLDEMORT unit. If this happens, hide your LUCIUS until the town's AUROR units have all left empty handed. If your LUCIUS is arrested you will need to contact your local wizarding law firm.