Remember Your Heart

Blub, Blub, Blub in the tub

Snape wasn't there. The bedcovers were tossed aside and there was no Snape in the bed. Harry scouted the small room quickly. No Snape. Harry stepped into the hall to begin a search and noticed that the bathroom door was closed. Harry always left the bathroom door open to indicate that it was available. He charged into the bathroom, hoping that it was indeed an emergency, or he might never hear the end of it. No Snape on the toilet or floor. There was water in the bathtub; it was nearly full to the top. Harry stepped closer and leaned over to look into the tub. "Ahhh!" Harry cried out seeing a pale form under the water. He shoved both hands into the water, grabbed Snape by the shoulders and almost effortlessly pulled him from the tub to the floor. Harry pushed Snape on his side and saw water come from his mouth. He peered closely at Snape and observed no respiration. Quickly pushing Snape to his back, Harry straddled his hips, placed one hand on top of the other, set the heel of the bottom hand under Snape's ribcage and gave a quick upward thrust. Water came out from Snape's mouth. Harry gave several more thrusts to Snape's abdomen until no more water came from his mouth. Harry scrambled off Snape to his head, which he tipped back, and pinched Snape's nose and began mouth to mouth breathing. Long moments later, Snape coughed and took a shaky breath on his own.

Harry dropped back and rested against the bathroom wall, feeling shaky himself, all the while observing Snape's breathing to see that it remained regular. He was suddenly conscious of the fact that Snape was no longer covered head to toe in clothing; and that the only time he had ever seen Snape even remotely revealed was in Dumbledore's pensieve when his father and Sirius had "teased" Snape. Snape couldn't be anymore revealed. Harry knew Snape was thin, but now he saw that his skin stretched over his bony frame like a plastic bag loaded with sharp objects nearly piercing the sides. Scars crisscrossed his skin as a spider web. Some scars were clearly knife work, some burns and the origins of others unknowable by just appearance. An intricate pattern of scars on his thighs were so clearly regular that Harry wondered if they were self-inflicted. A small sound drew Harry from his examination. Snape was glaring at Harry with narrowed eyes and an angry red face.

"Well, you are your father's son, you fucking pervert!" Snape spoke in a hoarse whisper. He looked away from Harry and with great effort brought a hand up to cover his face.

Harry studied Snape for a moment, then grabbed a large bath towel off a nearby hook and gently wrapped Snape, covering his exposure. Harry spelled Snape dry, carefully picked him up and carried him to the bed. After placing him in the bed and covering him with the blankets, Harry charmed pajamas onto him.

"I'm going to Floo St Mungo's to have you checked out," Harry said. He turned to leave the room, and then turned back to Snape. Snape watched as Harry drew off his t-shirt. Harry rotated around slowly so that the scars that laced his torso and back were clearly visible. He faced Snape, unzipped his jeans and pushed them and his boxers down enough to show a long horizontal scar low on his abdomen. "While most of mine came from others, not all of them did." Harry redressed with Snape eyeing him with an almost curious expression. Harry paused on the threshold as he headed out of the room. "I'm not James," he said softly.

"He's sleeping now," said the mediwizard as he joined Harry in the living room. "I've checked him over and he seems to have suffered no permanent damage. Your quick action saved his life. How did it happen?" The mediwizard sat on a chair across from Harry.

"I'm not sure. I was working outside in the garden. My wand was set to alert me in an emergency. I found him under the water in the tub after the alarm." Harry shivered. "He's done nothing but complain about the cleansing charms, yet he refused my offer to assist him in a bath. I knew he was up; maybe he just wanted to bathe privately. He's still so weak..." Harry trailed off.

"Yes, he probably couldn't help himself if he slid under the water." The mediwizard sighed, "We should consider...has anything happened recently where he may not want to save himself?"

"Suicide?" whispered Harry. "Snape doesn't seem the type."

"Is there a certain type? Many people of all "types" can be driven to suicide with the right motivation. It should be looked into as a possibility." The mediwizard looked closely at Harry, who fidgeted as if he was the one being examined. Harry certainly didn't want to discuss what he might know about suicide. He stood.

"Thank you for coming. I'm sure you will apprise Hypericia of the situation. You'll need to Floo to leave as you did coming in. My wards won't allow you to apparate." Harry held out his hand; the mediwizard stood up and shook hands with him.

"I hope the rest of your day is uneventful," said the mediwizard.

"Thank you again," responded Harry. The mediwizard used the Floo to return to St Mungo's. Harry sank down into the sofa once more. "He was just too weak to get out of the tub. I know he was upset after Minerva came yesterday, but suicide. No, not that. No." Harry shivered again picturing that skeletal scarred form lying still on his bathroom floor. "It was just an accident. Stubborn prat should have let me help." Harry got up and went to clean up and prepare dinner, needing to be occupied.

Snape slept through dinner and Harry retired early. He lay in bed thinking on the day's events. "Was he embarrassed? Is that why he wouldn't let me help him bathe? He looked at me so funny when I offered. He called me a pervert too. Was it just his scarring or does he think it's sexual? Scars are nothing offensive to me and like I really want to make advances on a sickly gaunt old former professor who got his jollies by making me miserable." Harry snorted. He lay awake a long time but he just couldn't figure out Professor Severus Snape.

Harry startled awake. Had he heard something? It was quiet now and there was no alarm from his wand. What was that? A moan, a groan, Harry couldn't be sure but there was something. He got out from bed and stepped into the hall. It was quiet again and all he heard was the pat-pat sound of his bare feet on the wood floor. There it was again! A soft whimper came from Snape's room. Harry opened the door a bit to peek into the room. Snape was tossing and turning is his bed, the blankets were off and the top sheet was twisted around him. Snape's bony fingers clawed at the restraining sheet, but he didn't have the strength to undo it. He was sweating and making soft sad sounds. Harry walked close to the bed and sat on the edge. Snape froze. Harry reached out and lightly placed his hand on his shoulder.

"Wake up, you're having a nightmare," he whispered. Snape remained still for a moment before his nightmare overcame him again. He began struggling again and he ground his teeth together as if desperate to make a sound yet too frightened to cry out.

"Wake up," said Harry in a louder voice, shaking him lightly. Snape's eyes flew open in panic and he jerked away from Harry.

"Shhh! It's okay, you were having a nightmare. You're alright," Harry said soothingly. Snape stared at him with wide eyes, panting from the exertion of his nightmare. "It's okay. It's okay," Harry was rubbing his shoulder gently. "Nightmares seem so real. I know. But you're here in bed at my house and it was a dream." Harry straightened the sheet so Snape would be more comfortable and was surprised when Snape covered his face with his hands and curled up as tightly as he could manage. Harry could see his shoulders shaking. "Is he crying?" Harry thought incredulously. Harry moved to sit on the bed with his back resting against the headboard. He hesitantly reached out and pulled Snape into his arms, holding him to his chest. Snape stiffened and then turned his face into Harry's chest and began to weep quietly. Harry stroked his short hair and rubbed his back and spoke soft words of comfort. Snape clutched him, making little sound but his body quivered and Harry's shirt became damp. Eventually, Harry felt him relax under the soothing touches and soon the tremble abated and the tears stopped. Neither moved; each finding solace in the moment.

"No one ever came," said Snape's muffled voice.

"I did," replied Harry.

"Why?"

"Because I discovered that I care," said Harry. Snape was quiet for long time and Harry suspected he was asleep.

"Where did you get that scar on your belly?" asked Snape. Harry jumped a little, nearly asleep himself.

"I gave it to myself." Harry hoped that Snape didn't wish to delve too deep there. It had been a dark time for Harry; one he felt that he was past.

"Why?"

Harry sighed. "There's a song, Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls, and it has a line 'Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive'. I thought I wanted to die that night. What was there left for me? I had done everything that was expected of me and...well...bleeding was enough. I decided not to die. I left the scar."

"There is nothing left for me," said Snape in a quiet resigned voice. "I should be dead."

"I have some understanding of what can drive a person to feel like that, but you mustn't think that way, Professor." Harry was insistent.

"Severus."

"What?" said Harry.

"I am not a professor. Not yours for a long time now and won't be one again. You may call me Severus," he sighed.

"Is that what you discussed so long with Minerva?"

"Minerva and I have known each other a long time. We worked together, both in the Order and at Hogwarts, besides once being my professor. She truly believed I was dead and you were chasing shadows. She updated me on many things, politics, Hogwarts, people, until I began to suspect that she was trying to avoid something. I finally got her to talk of uncomfortable subjects. All my possessions are gone. Minerva kept my things in storage for a time, but after some years they were either sold and the money given to charity or the Dark items were destroyed. I had no will and no kin. My account at Gringotts was given over to charity as well." Severus stopped to swallow and moisten his throat. Harry retrieved a glass of water for him, which he gratefully drank. Harry set the glass back on the bedside table. Severus shifted away from Harry and, taking the hint, he helped Severus settle comfortably on the bed. Harry sat on the bed facing Severus.

"Most possessions can be replaced," said Harry sensibly. "And the ministry will owe you some recompense for their ineptitude at the least. And I ..."

"The ministry will do nothing for me. Do you really think they wanted to find me?" said Snape contemptuously. "Do you really believe that they couldn't have found me?"

"Are you suggesting that they purposefully didn't find you?"

"I was in a Muggle hospital for several weeks following the last battle." Harry nodded, he had found out that. "I was in the local Muggle papers, since I was unconscious and they were trying to identify me. You'd think the ministry would have checked. Then I was transferred to another facility, why? So perhaps I couldn't be found?"

"What you're suggesting is even worse; that you were hidden on purpose. But why not just kill you? You were an easy target. On the other hand it explains all the lost paperwork, typos that changed your name and other misdirects my investigators came up against. And it was a Muggle in the end that found you." Harry pondered briefly before continuing. "Still, we'll need to look into it. But that doesn't mean you have nothing. What about Hogwarts?"

"Minerva has no position for me," Severus said flatly.

"What! Really? After all your years?" Harry was surprised.

"You did not listen. I said that 'I am not a professor. Not yours for a long time now and won't be one again.' Minerva has a skilled Potions P

.rofessor, who has been on staff six years, and has no intention of letting him go. I got the impression that he has a far more congenial personality than me. And the DADA position has been held for the last three years by one person, thus breaking the 'curse' and Minerva will not tempt fate there by making any changes."

"I'm really surprised at Minerva. But I..." Harry was interrupted again.

"Some of my possessions may have disturbed her. They were clearly Dark Arts material. There have also been rumors of my loyalty. That I stood with Dumbledore in the end because I chose to be on the winning side not necessarily the right side," Severus sneered.

Harry sighed, "Well Severus, you are by no means a congenial person, but you are a good person." Severus snickered. "Dumbledore always expressed complete faith in you, despite however many times I doubted you. He never told me why, just that's the way it was." Harry took a deep breath and let it out noisily. "So you have no possessions, no money and no job. I hate to say it, but you are certainly not the first person to find yourself in that situation. I think you need to look on this as a fresh start. Possessions can be replaced; money can be earned; new employment can be found. Here are a few things you can count on, I believe in you, my home is your home and I will support you in whatever way I can. So no more melancholic Snape, tomorrow we will plan." Harry took Severus' hand and squeezed, hoping he got his message across. Severus, after a pause, returned the squeeze.

Harry got up and made sure Severus was comfortable.

"Goodnight, Severus."

"Goodnight, Harry."

"Could tonight have been anymore strange?" thought Harry as went back to bed.

"Good morning, Severus," Harry said. It was early in the morning and he had checked in on Severus ("calling Snape that will take some getting used to," he thought) only after hearing the rustle of the paper. How Severus got the owl to deliver the Daily Prophet to him, rather than Harry, who paid the bill, was still unclear. Severus glanced to Harry and gave a nod of acknowledgement and returned to reading. Harry sighed softly. Severus folded the paper onto his lap.

"Good morning, Harry," he said.

"What can I get you for breakfast?"

"Tea, toast, scrambled eggs," Severus paused. "Please."

Harry's eyebrows climbed up his forehead and Severus snorted. "Very strange," thought Harry as he left to make breakfast.

Hypericia arrived later that morning, by Floo, with an unknown wizard. Harry appeared relaxed as he stepped into the living room to greet his guests, but held his wand at the ready.

"Hello Harry!" said Hypericia. "Heard there was a bit of excitement yesterday. This is Grant Moven, a physical therapist that I've worked in conjunction with before and has an excellent reputation." He looked like a rugby player, large, muscular and a crooked nose. Grant held out his hand to Harry, who took it and noted the firmness of the handshake.

"It's an honor to meet you Mr. Potter. Your contributions to St. Mungo's have really had a positive impact." Harry groaned silently and prayed that Grant wasn't an ass-kisser.

"Thank you Mr. Moven. I hope Hypericia has explained that I'm looking for discretion in treating my friend."

"Oh please, call me Grant."

"If you will call me Harry."

Grant smiled. "Of course Mr....er...Harry. It is hospital policy that all patient information is confidential. I would only speak of a patient with those directly involve in their care, in this instance that would be Hypericia."

"Sometimes people can be careless. Usually that's not a problem, but in this case it could be disastrous. My friend has enemies. That's why he's not at St. Mungo's in the first place, it's not secure enough. If you don't wish to become involved then you may leave, otherwise, I ask for your word that this arrangement will be kept in the strictest confidence." Harry gave Grant a stern look.

"You have my word," said Grant. Harry continued to visually assess Grant, who appeared unfazed.

"Good," Harry relaxed and smiled. "Let's go see Severus."

Harry could hear Severus grumbling as he walked upstairs carrying the dinner tray. Grant had been working with Severus for a week now. Harry smiled. Severus did everything that Grant asked him to do, without complaint. But the moment Grant left, the bitching started.

"He's trying to kill me you know, a slow torturous death," said Severus as Harry walked into the room. "How can I get out of bed, dress myself or do anything if I'm too bloody sore to even move!"

"Feeling peevish?" asked Harry, setting the tray on Severus' lap. Severus threw his bread at Harry.

"Impudent brat. You're supposed to be a Gryffindor sentimentalist, beside yourself in sympathy."

Harry laughed, "Remember Severus, no pity."

"How can my fingers hurt to hold my fork, tell me that? He is a Death Eater in disguise, very subtle and cunning. Find out what house he was in at Hogwarts. Must be Slytherin." Severus began eating, barely allowing a breath in between bites. Grant's therapy had definitely increased his appetite.

Harry laughed again. "Really Severus, Grant's no Death Eater or Slytherin. He was actually a Hufflepuff. I had Ron run a background check on him, just as I did for Hypericia. He's clean. He's just pushing your limits to rebuild your strength. Its working much faster than if it was a Muggle therapist. You're going to be really sore though. Grant said that was expected. Hypericia left something for you to ease the pain and help you sleep." Harry picked up the potion and read the label. "It says to ingest 30 minutes after a meal for maximum effectiveness."

"Mmmm. Some of the ingredients may react with certain foods." Severus began to eat more sedately. "The therapy is progressing faster than what I remember under Muggle care. I think it was more than a year before I was really up and functional. I...sometimes...there are gaps, many gaps in what I remember...sometimes though..."

"Yes, go on," said Harry.

"Sometimes I feel like there's a face in my mind. One I should know, but can't quite place," Severus stared at his clean plate.

"I know some of what happened to you these past seven years; what hospitals you've been in, convalescent homes, mental institutions; why don't you tell me more?"

"How come it took you seven years to find me? You couldn't have been trying hard," asked Severus.

"I started looking for you nearly two months after the last battle. I had a difficult time picking up the trail. And every time I thought you were found, you disappeared. I often expected you to take off on your own and show up at Hogwarts one day."

"I did try to leave on my own, several times. But I was physically weak and with no wand, I didn't get far. Then they would drug me again. The first year I was near to comatose from my injuries. Then the physical therapy was extensive, but I tolerated it because I knew I wouldn't get far otherwise. They kept me so heavily medicated that I often didn't know who I was. I became desperate one day because I remembered that I was a wizard, but they wouldn't listen. Yet I needed to tell, to say it aloud, and to reinforce it in my mind, so I wouldn't forget. I forgot anyway." Harry watched as Severus twisted the sheet into a knot. "They would dose me and when I came out of the fog, I would be somewhere new. Escape plans would have to be retooled. If I lost my temper, I would be sedated. It was hopeless. I stopped trying. I was lost."

Harry tugged the sheet from Severus' hands and took those hands into his own. "You've been found. I didn't stop trying or looking. I knew you were too stubborn to be dead." Harry gently squeezed. "Now explain the face comment."

"I...sometimes...when...I'm not sure if what I remember is real. At times, through the fog, I would see a face. The same face, at different places, then I would be moved to a new location. Did I really seem someone or was it just the drugs? I don't know."

"Did you recognize the person?" Harry asked.

"He seemed familiar, but I can't put a name to his face," said Severus.

"But it was a man?"

"Yes. If he was someone I knew, then he was an enemy. An associate would have aided me. But why not kill me?"

"Unless he wanted you to suffer somehow? Now who would want to make you suffer?" Harry chuckled. Severus shook off Harry's hands.

"Well, Severus, I think we should continue to keep your whereabouts quiet."

Severus nodded, "Unless my mind was playing tricks. Still, I have enemies and I do not wish to be vulnerable. Keep quiet, stay low, it's an excellent strategy, no matter what the game."

"Get some rest. That was your last meal in bed. Grant will have you up in the morning."

Severus groaned, "Check him out again. See if he's worked in the Muggle world."

Harry laughed, "Goodnight, Severus."

"Goodnight, Harry."

"So, how do you tell them apart?" asked Harry. He had Miloand David on his lap and saw no clear difference between the twins. Both had red hair, blue eyes and toothless grins. They even had the same drool on their chins as they grabbed the buttons on Harry's shirt.

Ron shrugged. "Hermione always knows. Fred and George already call them Mavid and Dilo. They've pleaded with Hermione not to give them clothes with their initials on them. Frankly, I could use the help."

Hermione smacked Ron in the arm. "Really, can't see the difference in your own children? Milo certainly has the more introspective countenance and while David is more contemplative." Ron and Harry stared at Hermione. Severus snickered. Hermione began laughing. "Ron, your mother helped me mark them magically so I could tell them apart. There's a reason for calling them identical twins. As they grow older you'll begin to know the subtle differences between them."

Harry smiled, "Hermione, you're glowing more now than when you were pregnant. Motherhood agrees with you."

"Yes, I didn't know I could feel this fulfilled and yet so tired."

"The twins had a rough night," said Ron. "We were up for ages with them. Almost didn't come today, but the twins weren't sleeping...so may as well visit." Ron yawned.

Harry set the twins on the floor. They began crawling about investigating Harry's living room. "I made sure there was nothing small for them to put in their mouths," he said.

"Thanks, I'll just put up a magical barrier so they can't leave the room or climb into the fireplace." Hermione wave her wand about the room to put the barriers in place. The barriers shimmered and sparked as a reminder to adults not to trip over them.

Harry watched as one of the twins seemed fascinated by Severus' shoelaces. Severus moved his foot several times, but the baby was persistent. Finally the baby began to wail in frustration and Hermione came to his rescue. "Milo, leave the professor alone." She scooped him up and set him on the other side of the room, closer to David.

"You may call me Severus. I am no longer a professor," said Severus.

"Okay," said Ron, looking uncomfortable, but Hermione was unconcerned.

"Have you given thought to what you'd like to do now? I could speak to my supervisor at the Athena Project; someone with your credentials would certainly be an asset to the organization."

"I am still reflecting, but thank you."

"Ron, how are things in the ministry?" asked Harry.

"Busy. I'm working directly under Kingsley Shacklebolt who's heading up the Auror division. Minister Bones used to be in charge of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, so she understands our needs in rebuilding. I've only got four years under my belt as a trained Auror, but I'm nearly an old man there." Ron sighed. "Unfortunately the public has deemed the danger past and has been complaining about our large budget, as if you've destroyed all the Dark wizards to come."

"I never acted alone, Ron, you know that," Harry said quietly.

"You're Harry Bloody Potter! Most every one that helped is dead. Those alive aren't seen in your spotlight."

"Ron," Harry growled.

"The public only sees you mate. In your next speech, try and talk up the Auror division."

"You know I'd rather discuss anything but myself. I'll write an editorial to the Prophet, since I have no speaking engagements scheduled in the near future." Harry stood up and walked to his desk, retrieving some parchments; he wound his way around the twins and handed the papers to Ron. "This is the original report on the search for Severus after the last battle. I suspect that the ineffectiveness in finding him may have been deliberate. Could you look into this please?"

"Sure," said Ron, quickly scanning the parchments. Hermione leaned over his shoulder.

"Quietly," said Severus. "If you can manage that." Ron glared at him for a moment and continued to read. "Though I don't know what it will accomplish, unless the person was foolish enough to leave a trail."

"Everyone slips up eventually," said Hermione.

"That much is true," replied Severus. "Perhaps I can offer some motivation. I may know something about a certain curse to a certain Quidditch team..."

Ron shot up from his seat. "Tell me!" he yelled. There was a moment of silence before the twins began to squall.

"Ronald Weasley, go calm your children," said Hermione firmly, not moving to pick up the twins. It took Ron several minutes of cuddling and cooing for the twins to quiet.

"Severus, you are quite cruel," said Harry. Severus looked smug.

"We shall see what Mr. Weasley can discover."