The House Championship: The Underhand Way

"Any minute now," Sirius hissed gleefully. He ducked down, trying to hide behind the platters of food covering the Gryffindor table. His eyes were fixed upon the Slytherin table, one Severus Snape in particular.

The three other boys sitting with him exchanged wary glances. Experience told them that when Sirius got that particular manic look in his eyes the Slytherins should be afraid...very afraid...

Sirius had different varieties on the "manic" look. There was the "I've just pulled an absolute beauty of a prank" look, the "I've just thought of an absolute beauty of a prank" look or the "I'm busy pulling an absolute beauty of a prank" look. The one spread over his face at that particular moment was Variation No. 1.

"What did you do, Sirius?" asked James suspiciously. "Or would I be happier not knowing?"

"Just wait and see..." Sirius breathed, hunching down even more, so that all that could be seen were a pair of mischievous blue eyes and a mop of black hair.

James, Remus and Peter tried to discreetly keep an eye on the Slytherins. This proved difficult because James and Remus were facing away from them. Peter didn't appear particularly concerned with subtlety and was openly gawking. "What's going to happen?" he asked loudly, practically leaping out of his chair, only to be pulled back down by Sirius.

The four watched (Remus and James using their as-of-yet-empty plates as makeshift mirrors) for a while. "You know," said Remus eventually, "as fascinating a species as Snape and Malfoy are, they're making me less and less hungry. Are you sure whatever you did worked?"

He got an answer almost immediately. The four boys watched as Snape, who was talking to Lucius Malfoy, popped a chunk of beef into his mouth. As he chewed, his face adorned a strange expression. He frowned and swallowed. Then, as they watched, he spoke again. This time, not only was his voice several octaves higher than normal, thus drawing the attention of many students at the other tables, but it was gurgling, as though he were under water, and large pink and lavender bubbles were streaming out of his mouth.

Those in the room who could see and hear him burst out laughing. Those who couldn't began craning over in their seats to see the source of the bubbles and the cause of the laughter. Remus and James abandoned their plate-mirrors with two loud clatters and whirled round in their seats, laughing loudly. Sirius was cackling even more loudly, banging on the table.

"BLACK!" squealed Snape operatically, a flurry of highly threatening pink and lavender bubbles floating across the room. He looked more than a bit embarrassed at the high-pitched girlish soprano that emerged.

"What's the matter, Snapey?" called Sirius between cackles. "Did someone give you a good, swift kick in the--"

"Mr. Black!"

Sirius cringed. It was McGonagall. "Do you four have anything to do with this?" she asked, walking quickly over and casting a suspicious glare over the grinning Marauders.

"No, Professor," said Sirius swiftly. He was trying to sound scandalised, but the air of sheepish guilt surrounding him made doubtful his tone of voice. "I...was merely commenting on Snape's newly acquired vocal skills..."

"Professor--" bubbled Snape squeakily, then cut himself off abruptly when he realised that speech was just resulting in gales of laughter from the other students in the Hall, all of whom were now watching with interest.

Malfoy shot an evil look at the Gryffindor table. "Professor, I think it's fairly obvious who the culprits are. The only people with the mental inferiority to come up with something so pathetic are in Gryffindor house, and I don't think it will be too difficult to determine which Gryffindors, either."

"Eh...yeah," contributed Goyle. Crabbe nodded vigorously.

"And what's more," continued Malfoy, a hint of whininess entering his voice, "I just know it was them who enchanted my broomstick last week. Every time I tried to mount it it jerked two feet to the right. And there was the--"

"Thank you, Mr. Malfoy," interrupted Professor McGonagall. She walked over and pointed her wand at Snape. "Finite incantatum."

Snape burped loudly and, upon discovering that his vocal chords were back to normal, launched into a furious tirade in which the words "expelled" and "revenge" were prominent.

When the rant dulled into mutinous muttering, everyone went back to their meals, satisfied that the show was over. McGonagall stomped back over to the Marauders. She looked down at them, her patented disapproving look firmly in place. "I had better not find out that that little incident was your doing," she snapped. "Don't think I, or Dumbledore, for that matter, have forgotten about the lion costume incident."

"You see, the thing is, Professor--" began Sirius.

James interrupted. "Of course not, Professor," he said, shooting a glare at Sirius. "We learned our lesson..."

"We saw the error of our ways," added Remus, nodding.

"We realised that we were mistaken," agreed Peter solemnly.

"We were misguided to think that pranking the Slytherins was appropriate use of our time and resources," concluded Sirius.

"Resources?" asked McGonagall sharply.

"Er...you know, our wands and stuff..."

To the boys' relief, McGonagall spared them one last glare, a haughty sniff, and went back up to the teachers' table.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

The rest of the meal passed with no further incident. As the Marauders walked out into the Entrance Hall, Snape, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle stopped them before they could head towards Gryffindor Tower.

"I know that that highly amusing little joke was you four," hissed Snape. "Even if McGonagall refuses to punish her precious Gryffindors, don't think we won't."

"Oh, really?" asked Sirius, a mocking gleam in his eyes. "Well, we're quaking, Snapey, we're quaking."

"Really," replied Snape menacingly.

"I think, Snapey, that you're just jealous."

"Of you?" asked Snape incredulously, black eyes flashing.

"Yep," answered Remus with a big smile. "After all, we're the better house, aren't we? It's natural for you to be bitter."

Malfoy snorted, eyes narrowed. "Maybe, if you think a house full of dirty mudbloods and muggle-lovers could be considered anything other than disgusting. And, as everyone knows, no self respecting pureblood wizard would want to be seen dead cavorting with that sort of filth."

Six young wizards drew their wands at that comment. Two belatedly flexed their muscles. "So, you think the house for slimy unwashed gits like you two and thick-as-a-plank morons like dumb and dumber over there is better than Gryffindor house?" asked James disbelievingly. "I...think...not."

"Then what do you say we make a little bet?" asked Lucius smarmily.

"With you? As if we would trust you," snapped Sirius.

"What kind of bet?" Remus asked.

"Well, if we win the...sorry, when we win the House Championship, you four have to get up in the Great Hall, in front of everyone, and talk for ten minutes about how Slytherin house is the best house and why Gryffindor is the house in which fools and mudbloods like yourselves get landed. And I want you to talk about how deserving Slytherin is of winning..."

"Wearing Slytherin green," added Snape.

"Yes," agreed Malfoy. "We'd make you wear Slytherin robes, but we don't want you filthy Gryffindors soiling them."

James, Remus and Peter grabbed onto the back of Sirius' robes before he could launch himself at Malfoy. "I wouldn't worry, Malfoy," said James casually, "you wouldn't get any of us anywhere near your robes. And if we win...?"

"We'll do the same," smirked Snape. He and Malfoy exchanged satisfied looks.

"Hang on, hang on..." said Remus. "We aren't going to fall for that."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really, Lupin? For what, exactly?"

"You're going to get up and talk about Gryffindor, not Slytherin," said Peter. "Wearing red. Before you get any ideas."

"Well, well, well," Malfoy said, casting a superior look over the Marauders. "I must admit, I'm surprised you noticed that, Pettigrew." Peter flushed slightly. "So do we have a deal, then?"

"Yeah, okay," Sirius agreed.

The two parties eyed each other in distaste for a moment before decided that they weren't going to deign to shake hands.

"Oh, and Potter," said Snape with a malicious look at James, "I'm particularly looking forward to seeing the look on the face of that ugly red-headed mudblood of yours when you--"

James went red with rage. Curses flew. By the time McGonagall and Professor Green, the head of Slytherin house and Herbology professor, came charging through the crowd that had accumulated at yet another Gryffindor-Slytherin spat, there were boils, horns, tentacles, various bright colours of hair and once case of twitchy ears to be reversed.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

One trip to the hospital wing and a long lecture about duelling in corridors later, the Marauders were back in their common room.

James was still fuming. "I should have AK-ed him right there and then," he stormed, punching a pillow.

"Don't worry 'bout it, Jamesy-boy," said Sirius amiably, draping an arm casually over his shoulder. "We'll be the ones laughing when they're giving their little 'I love Gryffindor' speech at the end of the year."

"Yeah," said Remus, laughing. "I can just see Snape, looking all bitter and twisted in a nice set of bright red robes, proclaiming his love for Gryffindor house..."

That finally elicited a smile from James. "Should be interesting," he agreed.

"Should be very interesting indeed..."