Flaming Red Frustration

Chapter Two: A Loss of Mind and a Gain of a Conscience

Draco had never been in love. In fact, he was not even sure how to love. There was a protective feeling towards his mother, and a respectful hatred towards his father; however, neither of these seemed to be love. He thought about his friends, but he had no particular feeling towards them, apart from just people to be around. He thought about other girls around him. He had taken particular notice of some of them, so he must have had a small taste of this before. But he never needed to ask someone about it. Draco came to the conclusion he did not know what this 'love' thing was. He wondered whom to ask.

He often went to Snape for advice, but asking Snape about 'love' seemed too strange. He had never talked to his parents about such matters and Draco did not feel like breaking the ice now. He had no one out of his friends he felt he could talk to. In fact, he was not even close to any of them.

Draco suddenly felt very alone. Did he really have no one to talk to? Was he so horrible that he had pushed everyone so far away from himself he had left such a huge gap and could not fill it? Draco pushed those thought away, telling himself that those sorts of thoughts lead to jumping out of tall towers and off bridges. For a while, Draco just sat in silence, wondering what he could do. He tried assessing the situation from another angle. What was it that he wanted to do? Well, he seemed to have developed strange feelings towards a girl. And, since he had embarrassed her several times, he needed to apologize. That was it. He was not in love with her as such; he just needed to clear his conscience. It sounded nice and it was better than saying he was in 'love' with a poor Muggle sympathizer. But, since Ginny was nearly always surrounded by a large entourage ever since Draco had stood on her robes, this made his 'clearing his conscience' expedition a little difficult. And he still needed someone to ask.

Since Draco's 'disturbing' chat with himself in the early hours of the morning, Ginny was on his mind all day long. He had not gone back to sleep, as it was dawn by the time he had finished the analysis of his situation. All through breakfast, he studied everyone at the Slytherin table. However, none of them seemed likely candidates to talk to. Especially since he was going to do two things a Slytherin should never do: apologize and talk in a good manner to a Gryffindor.

It was not until his last class of the day, Care of Magical Creatures (sigh) with the Gryffindors (double sigh) that the answer hit him. Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil where standing in front of him, whispering and giggling together as usual. It was beginning to annoy Draco a little bit. Lavender was doing a fair bit of the talking, and when Parvati moved slightly, Draco could see a little brown book in Lavender's hands. It was open, and both girls where pouring over it. Then it dawned on him. The answer to his problem. The little book his mother had given him before he had started school. It was made of fine brown leather and the pages of the most expensive paper Galleons could buy. Inside, there were two inscriptions, one for his father when he started, and another for Draco from his mother, which read:

To Draco,

This once belonged to your Father, and now I pass it on to you. Use it well and carefully. The spells and curses do not run out, so you may use them as often as you need. I hope your seven years at school are filled with enjoyment and excitement. May this become useful when you are in need of help and there is no one left to turn to.

Your Loving Mother

But where had he put it? He could remember looking at it briefly when he found his things unpacked on his very first day. The house elves had left it in his underwear drawer. He had put in somewhere, scoffing at it, thinking he would never need it. But where?

Once class had finished, Draco left Crabbe and Goyle at the entrance to the Great Hall, and, when he was sure there was no one around, bolted towards the Slytherin dungeons, only to turn a corner and crash into Ginny Weasley, walking alone. Both of them fell backwards. Draco got up, and offered a hand to Ginny, who looked hesitant.

"Sorry about that, I wasn't looking where I was going." Draco's head was telling him to say nothing, but words came pouring out of his mouth. Ginny looked a little taken aback. She eyed his hand carefully before slowly putting her hand in his. Draco pulled her up effortlessly. 'What am I doing?' he thought angrily to himself. 'This isn't me; I shouldn't be acting like this.' For a few moments, there was an awkward silence. His hand felt burnt where Ginny had touched him. Before the awkward silence could get any more awkward, he walked around the stunned Ginny and down the corridor towards the Slytherin dormitories.

Once he was quite sure he was alone, he slowed his pace to organize his thoughts. Everyone was at dinner, but Draco was not hungry. 'Why did I do that? Why do I act so differently around her?' he constantly asked himself 'Must be this whole 'conscience' thing. I've never felt guilty before. Wow, what an interesting feeling. Not something I want to feel again, but it's nice to have a taste of it.'

Draco avoided thinking about the L word, but it was nagging him at the back of his mind.

Once he was in his dormitory, he turned his part upside down. He was, however, careful not to disturb any of the other dorm members' things. Not out of courtesy, but if they started asking awkward questions Draco would probably end up letting something slip and disgracing his house and family (and be murdered by his father). When he had given up all hope, he sat down on his bed and sighed. Why had he been so careless with it? Probably because he thought he would never need it. Draco was about to go down to dinner when something sprang to mind. His bed had been wonky when he first arrived, and after several uncomfortable nights, Draco had grabbed something out of his drawer and used it to prop up the shorter leg. He scrambled off the bed and onto the floor, and there, holding up the shorter leg of his four-poster bed, was a small brown leather book. A grumble in his stomach prevented Draco from opening the book straight away. He slipped it under his pillow and left the dungeons.

It was very late when Draco finally heard his roommates' breathing deepen. Once he was absolutely sure they were all asleep, Draco crept out of bed, pulled on a black dressing gown with large M's embroidered on it, and silently walked down the short, but winding corridor to the common room. There were two fifth years still sitting in the dark green armchairs next to the fire when Draco reached it. Not wanting to be seen, Draco waited in the darkness of the corridor until they finally got up and left.

Draco took a seat as close to the fire as possible (the Slytherin common room was always so cold) and opened the small brown leather book. It had spells for everything. Lost homework, hunger, forgetfulness, there were even cures in there for homesickness, nasty habits, possessed minds and ingrown toenails. Draco was furious with himself for using it as a level for his bed, all the times he could have done with something like this. But the last page of the book was entitled "A cure for problems of the heart."

"This must be the one," Draco muttered. There was a spell underneath. Without hesitation, Draco said the spell and waited. At first, nothing happened.

"Well, that was a waste." Draco said to no one in particular. Then, suddenly there was a flash of light behind him, so bright it illuminated the whole room, making him wince and shade his eyes from it. Draco quickly turned in his chair to see a girl standing in the centre of the common room, dressed in a long, flowing, pale pink dress with long blonde braids.

"Now, I've been called a lot of things in my time," she said to Draco, "but never a waste."