With You

With You

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.

He had to know.

It was insane. It was stupid. But he had to do it. Severus Snape knew he would never be able to live without knowing. If he didn't he would always wonder, and that, more than anything, would drive him to insanity.

It all came down to her.

Lily.

She was beautiful. She always had been. Her flaming red hair, her bright green eyes. Her endless patience, her kind heart. Her love. Lily had a tremendous amount of love that she put in into everything she did. She loved life, loved her family, and loved her friends. Best friends...

"...and it was so awesome, Sev!" Lily chattered on. "Sev?"

He looked up at her in surprise. "Sorry," he said blushing, realising he hadn't been listening.

"It's ok, Sev," she said with a smile. "We are friends. We'll always be friends. Best friends."

Severus felt a pang of pain at the memory. Lily had always been his friend, having stuck by him for the longest time. She had been that best thing that had happened to him. And he had been an idiot. He had lost her.

He had to know.

~*~

Lily Potter watched her son struggling to walk with pride. Harry took two wobbly steps before falling and laughing. "Come on, Harry," she said, picking him up. "Let's get dinner ready before Daddy gets home."

She began cooking dinner, trying not to let her worry show. James and Sirius were on a mission for the Order. They were trailing some suspected Death Eaters. Lily bit her lip, knowing if things went badly, they could easily end up out numbered ten to one. It was hard, having so many friends in the Order, knowing they could easily be gone tomorrow. Lily knew it had to be done and Voldemort had to be stopped, but still...Come home James. Oh gods, please come home.

She tickled Harry, knowing that her baby would get into trouble if she left him unoccupied for too long. He was a lot like his father in that respect.

~*~

Severus watched her through the window. She hadn't changed. There she was, red hair tied back, laughing as she went spinning around the kitchen, a baby in her arms. She looked so at home, so complete. He could sit here forever, watching her.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.

But he had to know.

He drew his wand.

~*~

Lily collapsed into a chair. "No more, Harry, you've worn Mummy out."

Dinner was in a cauldron over the fire and the clock hanging on the kitchen wall said James should have been back an hour ago. Lily closed her eyes and hugged Harry tightly. Please be alright. Please come home.

She heard a creak from behind her. Her eyes flew open. She rose from the chair, Harry in her arms, as the back door opened.

"James?"

~*~

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.

"Severus? What are you doing here?"

He took a deep breath. "Lily. I had to come."

"What do you want?" He was surprised by the venom in her voice. It stung, but he didn't let it show.

"I had to know. I had to know-why? Why Potter of all people? Why such an arrogant, mediocre-"

"Don't you dare insult James!"

"You hated him! You hated him when we were in school and now you're married to him!"

"No, Severus, you hated him. And he still saved your life. He's brave and noble and kind..."

"There was a time when you spent hours insulting him."

"James was never bad at heart," said Lily softly. "A bit of an idiot at times...alright a huge idiot at times...but he grew out of it. He matured. He showed me that he really is a wonderful person."

Severus stared at her in disbelief. "This is Potter we are talking about," he said icily. "People like him don't change."

Lily shook her head. "You are so determined to despise him. You don't see how he can be good."

"And he can see the good in me?"

This brought a faint smile to her lips. "No, I suppose not. But," her voice grew hard and her eyes flashed with anger, "I don't think I can see the good you anymore."

"How is Potter any better than me?" he asked in disgust.

"He doesn't practise Dark Magic! He isn't a follower of You-Know-Who! He's not a Death Eater. He doesn't torture people for fun. He hasn't killed anyone!" Her voice grew deadly quiet. "How many people have you killed, Severus?"

"I -"

Lily looked at him. There was anger in her eyes- anger, disgust and something else. Sadness? Disappointment? "Just leave, Severus."

Harry hiccupped. He had been staring silently at Severus from his mother's arms the whole time. Now Severus paid attention to him for the first time. He stared back at the child. He should hate it: it was Potter's flesh and blood. But his eyes were bright green and curious. Lily's eyes.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.

There was the sound of a door swinging open and muffled footsteps. "Lily?" called a voice from the front door.

"James," Lily whispered. "Go!" She shot one last look at him before raising her voice and replying, "In the kitchen!"

Severus fled, but he didn't go far. He crouched in the bushes under the open window. He watched.

But it's time to face the truth,

Anger overtook him, as he watched. Severus watched as she ran to him, as they embraced, as his filthy lips pressed against hers. Rage consumed him. He wanted so badly to hit Potter, to claim Lily as his own.

Her face stopped him

Her face shone with true happiness. She was looking at James in way she had never looked at him. She loves him. The way she will never love me.

He ran.

He ran as far away as he could. Through the night, not paying attention to where he was going, he ran. He stopped at an oak tree, out of breath.

Lily.

A single tear dropped to the frozen ground. Then he was gone.

I will never be with you.