Obsession

Chap. 9 - CALL IT PAIN

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Needless to say that Harry and I were getting along just fine. Harry was amazing. After that day, he became a sex maniac. And he thought that I was his sex machine. Not that I complained. Far from it! Under that cool and shy exterior, were the heart and passions of a lion. Maybe this was why the Sorting Hat placed him in Gryffindor in the first place.

And the best part of all was that he now called me Draco.

He never seemed to get enough of me and I felt the same way. For two weeks we had the same routine. We went to classes, dreamed about each other during the lessons - well, at least I dreamed about him - and then we met in my room. When the need for each other got too urgent, we picked the nearest empty classroom and cast a privacy spell to keep people out.

But the times I liked the most were the ones spent in my room.

"I just remembered something," he said to me on a Friday night, when we were cuddled on the couch.

"What?"

"You never danced the Macarena."

I frowned. "You're not serious."

"We made a bet and I won. You said I could ask you anything I wanted and-"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember. So? I thought the kiss was your request."

"No, the kiss was..." he stopped like he was afraid of something.

"What? The kiss was what?"

"Nothing. Just forget it."

"Oh, come on, Harry. You can tell me." I bit his earlobe and he moaned.

"That kiss was... a moment of inspiration," he whispered.

My heart started pumping fast inside my chest and I kissed him on the lips.

"Thank you," I said against his lips.

"For what?" he asked, his eyes lost in a daze.

"For telling me this."

And I kissed him again.

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No, I didn't dance Macarena, not on top of the Slytherin table anyway. He made me dance for him one night in my room, when we were both naked and cuddled in my bed. The conversation started in a teasing sort of way and ended with him standing on the bed and dancing for me so I could learn how to dance for him. I laughed, of course. It was too hilarious to see him moving his arms and hips like that. And he was naked, which made things even better. I loved it. He hit me with his pillow - he had a pillow of his own now - and I trapped him beneath my body. He opened himself for me and that was way much better than the dance.

But eventually, I danced for him. I had to keep him happy, you know? It was humiliating and the most ridiculous moment of my life. I stood on the floor - but I refused to be naked so I put on my shorts - and I tried hard to remember the moves. It was his turn to laugh and after a while I couldn't help but laugh, too.

"If you ever ask me to do this again...," I let the phrase hang.

"But you look so cute doing it," Harry said, pulling me against his body.

"You think I'm cute?"

"Yeah."

We looked deeply into each other's eyes. He looked adorable that night. And I ravished him.

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I wrote him a poem. Yeah, yeah. I know. It was the apex of my romantic foolishness. I was in love though. And rest assured that my poem was nothing like the one Ginny Weasley sent him once on Valentine's Day - you know, the one comparing his eyes with a toad, that utter rubbish she dared to write him.

My poem, like everything I did in my life, was a piece of art. And when Hedwig delivered it to him at breakfast, I saw his lips opening slowly into a full smile. He looked at me from the Gryffindor table and muttered a thank you. Some students stared at us with curiosity. Our relationship was still a secret. Only Ron and Hermione knew about it. Well, I think Dumbledore had an idea about it, too. And Snape. That wasn't good. In fact, it was a disaster.

And that was the downfall of everything. That and Cho Chang.

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Snape didn't like knowing that my bond with Harry was getting stronger, but that was my fault and not Harry's. As Head-Boy, I wasn't behaving properly. Every third day we had these boring conferences to discuss silly things. I hated those, so when Harry started to demand more and more of my time, who was I to deny his wishes? I skipped the meetings and Snape reprimanded me about my behaviour.

There was this rule that every night till midnight, a Head-Boy or a Head-Girl should go for a trot around the castle to see if we could find and take away points from couples who were out after curfew, or students like Harry, who just liked to break as many rules as it was possible for him to do.

I preferred to spend my nights with Harry. And again, Snape found out about my relapse and almost killed me. He blamed Harry, I blamed myself. Harry wasn't tying me down to my bed to prevent me from leaving the room. Hmm... that thought was interesting. Harry and I in my bed... naked... him tied down, ready to make my wishes come true... But I was missing the point. The point was that I never told Harry about my duties as a Head-Boy and he never asked. Therefore, he didn't know I was skipping obligations to be with him.

Unfortunately, he found out about it. Snape told him one day after class that because of him I could lose my position as a Head-Boy. I'd almost missed that conversation. Thank God I forgot a book in there and I had to go back to get it. Then I listened to what Snape was saying and I wanted to go for his throat. Harry didn't say anything and I worried. I was afraid that he would take it the wrong way. And indeed, that was exactly what happened.

A few minutes later, I dragged him inside of an empty classroom and told him that I had overheard to his conversation with Snape and that it wasn't his fault that I could lose my badge as a Head-Boy. I didn't care about that anyway. There was a time when I did, mostly because of my father, but now he wasn't around anymore to make me sorry for it, so I didn't give a fuck. Harry did though.

"I don't know. Maybe we should take a break from each other," he said, his head down.

"No! It's not your fault."

"Of course it is! I'm with you all the time! And Snape was very clear about the fact that he doesn't approve of us."

I wanted to kill Snape so bad. "Look, I don't care about this badge." I took it off of my shirt and tossed it on the floor. "I don't care about Snape and his stupid mentality, or whether he approves our relationship or not. I only care about us. Do you care about his opinion that much?"

"No. But I don't want to harm you. I don't want you to lose your badge because of me."

"I said it's not your fault!"

"Yes, it is! Don't argue with me about this."

"What does that mean then? That you'll break up with me?" I felt something stuck in my throat.

"Break up with you? We're not even a couple!"

"What?"

"We're not a couple. Couples break up. We're friends and-"

"Friends?" I felt my blood running cold in my veins. "After all we did together you still think we're just friends? I can't believe you." I passed the hand in my hair and disarranged it. "Fuck you, Potter. I can't take this anymore. You want a break? FINE! I'm sick of this game of yours! One minute you want me and next you don't. I can't live like this! I love you," my voice failed and I could feel the tears coming. I needed to get out. "You know what? It's not your fault. Not really. It's my fault for being so stubborn. I thought I could make you love me. It's obvious that I can't. You're still in love with Cho Chang. Want an advice?" No, Draco, don't. "Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See if she feels the same way. Be happy. Whatever."

I passed by him and walked out of there with my head down and my heart broken. I felt the tears in my eyes ready to fall and I quickened my steps so he couldn't see me crying. But he pulled me back and locked up the door. Then he pushed me against the wall and pointed his finger at me with an anger I'd never seen in him before.

"Don't assume things about me!" he shouted.

"I have all the right to assume things about you because you don't bloody say anything to me!"

Have you ever noticed that when you're fighting with someone, all the annoying subjects suddenly come to the surface? All those little fights Harry and I let hang were now all around us. And this time I would make sure that we talked about all of them once and for all. So we yelled at each other. He accused me of things and I accused him. I think that even my dates with Hermione were brought into discussion.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked, suddenly very tired about everything.

"What's wrong with you? You're about to lose your badge and you don't give a fuck."

"Why do you care so much? It's my problem!"

"I care because being a Head-Boy implies being responsible, Malfoy. You're in charge of your house. You're working side by side with Snape. You're responsible for all of the rules on conduct. You can make them better if you like. But you're too selfish to care. You care only about yourself and your needs. You don't care about me. I'm just a challenge for you. You claim that you love me but where were you when I needed you the most? When my world was crashing all around me and people I cared about were dying because of me. When Voldemort made me watch Hagrid being tortured and then killed..." he closed his eyes and I could see that he was trying hard not to cry. "And then, when it was all over, all around me people kept living like nothing had ever happened! And they wanted me to go back to be the way I was but I couldn't. I just couldn't. And you... you never cared about any of those things. You still don't."

What did he want me to say? He was right. I was a useless bastard.

"You've always had it easy, Malfoy."

Oh, no, Potter, don't go there. That was a wound that hadn't healed yet.

"I mean, even if your father was a Death Eater, he loved you, right? And your mother, too. You've always had what you wanted. Your father bought brooms for the entire Slytherin team just because of you."

"My father never loved me and neither did my mother," I confessed.

"What?" He looked surprised. "But you were always receiving presents from your mother and..."

"All lies to keep up the appearances of the perfect Malfoy family. I can't complain much. You're right when you say that I've always had what I wanted. But you weren't the only one who suffered when Voldemort was back in full power."

"You never took a side," he pointed out, coldly.

I smiled bitterly. "No, I didn't. Because in the end I didn't want to be part of Voldemort's lunatic plans but at the same time I didn't want to fight by the Order's side because I wasn't good enough to be in it. But I tried..." my voice failed and I cursed him silently for making me remember it. "You got desperate when Hermione disappeared. She had been taken prisoner by Voldemort. He wanted to kill her in front of you. I couldn't let that happen because I knew that would be your end. So I did what I had to. I set her free and I paid the price for doing so."

Now I was the one crying. They were silent tears. My tears were falling down but I didn't make a sound. Just like him. And he looked so surprised. I guess he thought I was the only one who hadn't suffered the effects of the battles against Voldemort but he couldn't have been more wrong.

"What happened?" he asked.

"What do you think? I was tortured. I almost died. Snape saved me at the last minute," I shrugged.

"I didn't know...," he whispered.

"Oh, you don't know a lot of things. Do you think you're the only one who's suffered? Hundreds of people lost relatives, friends and lovers. And yes, they did carry on, pretending like nothing had happened. Do you know why? Because it was the only way to keep going! The new generations don't need to pay the price for our mistakes! Life has to go on! I'm not saying that we should forget about it. Of course not! But we can't break down because if we do, then Voldemort wins! Maybe you don't realise this, but he got you, Harry. You defeated him but a part of you died with him."

I couldn't believe I was saying all of those things. This wasn't me at all. But I kept talking. I've been keeping these feelings inside of me for so long that now that they were finally out, I couldn't stop them.

"YOU should not assume things about me! You don't know me! You never wanted to know me!" I shouted. "And don't you dare to tell me that I don't love you. You don't know me enough to affirm this. I do love you, although God only knows why!"

Now that I had said everything I wanted, I was tired, confused and regretful. I was in pain, he was in pain, and again, we were screwed. He sat down on the dusty floor with such a lost expression that I wanted to hug him. I didn't dare to move though.

"I guess... I guess I'm the selfish one then," he muttered.

Fuck. I so wanted to say something but the words got stuck in my throat. And the tears kept coming like a fucking flood!

"I just... I'm so lost...," he said.

I finally made my feet move and I knelt down in front of him. "You're not selfish, Harry."

"Yes, I am. I've been watching you lately. You pretend to be tough but then you do all these things like helping Neville with his Potions homework. You used to hate him and there you were, teaching him with a patience I had never seen in you before. And you helped me in everyway you could, it didn't matter how many times I shut you out. You're still here after everything I said to you! I hurt you, I keep pushing you away and you keep coming back. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your love. I don't deserve anyone's love."

It was only a matter of time before he broke down. And when he did, I held him in my arms. We cried together for everything that went wrong with our lives. We cried for each other. I muttered to him that I was sorry. He shook his head and gripped me harder. He told me it wasn't my fault that he was such a blind fool.

"You're right. I should be more responsible." I muttered, sitting on his lap. How did I get there?

"And I should be less egocentric."

"Yeah, you should."

He smiled and so did I.

"Can you really blame me? People have always treated me like I was the only person that mattered in the world," he joked.

"That's true."

He was the only person that mattered in my world.

"What you said about not deserving to be loved, Harry, it's not true. You do."

We stared at each other and he buried his fingers in my hair, bringing me closer to him. We stayed like that - forehead to forehead - for a long time. We missed our next classes. I didn't care though. He didn't seem to care about it either. He kissed me, slowly and gently, savouring my lips in a way that made me weak in my knees.

"I love you," I whispered against his lips.

"Draco, I-"

He didn't finish that sentence because the disaster opened the door and caught us in the act.

"Harry? What are you doing with Malfoy on your lap?" asked the woman.

I didn't look back to see who it was. I was too busy watching Harry's reaction. He was white.

"Cho? What are you doing here?" he said and I opened my eyes wide.

"What do you mean? Don't you remember that we were supposed to meet today?" she asked.

Silence. Very oppressive silence.

"Fuck," Harry muttered, not looking at me.

Fuck, indeed.