Take me Home

Chap. 16 - COMING OUT

The news that James Potter was alive came as a big shock to the wizarding community. The crowd gathered at James' hearing gossiped excitedly through the Ministry's court-room, and even Fudge's shouting for order didn't quiet them down. The other officials seemed agitated as well. It had been a long day for James as they tried to sort out whether he was telling the truth. He had to go through many tests and interrogations to prove that he was actually James Potter, and that he wasn't crazy because of Voldemort's failed curse. Proving that Sirius Black wasn't responsible for the attack in his house was another struggle.

But finally, around 5pm, after much talking and racket - and fainting as well - he convinced the Ministry of Sirius' innocence. Even though this decision didn't please everyone in the courtroom, Pettigrew was declared a criminal by the majority of the officials' votes. There were still many doubts about what had actually happened in the past, but Dumbledore's influence and James' words were enough to convince most of the people at the hearing.

Perhaps if Voldemort weren't a threat again, the process of letting Sirius free would have been a lot more difficult; however, since Voldemort was hovering over them again, James was a sign that Voldemort wasn't infallible. James had survived the killing curse along with Harry. Hope spread again. Now the community had not one but two heroes.

James didn't want the title of 'Hero' though; he had done nothing to deserve it. That day in the courtroom he had a glimpse of what his son had been through ever since he was eleven, and he didn't like one bit of it. The first thing he did when he was released from the inquiring was to hug Harry. Then he looked at Sirius and smiled. Sirius had suffered so much already. He deserved to start a new life as a free and innocent man. James took a step forward and they hugged.

"You're a free man now, mate," James said emotionally.

Sirius seemed as if he were about to cry. "I can't believe it. Thank you so much, James."

"You're thanking me? Why?"

Sirius arched an eyebrow. "Why? It's because of you that I'm free now. I don't need to hide anymore. And because you didn't have to do this. Now you're out in the open and an easy target for Voldemort. He won't be the only one looking for you. You didn't have to do this for me, James. But you did. You're risking your life."

"I don't care. What matters is that you're free now. They'll even pay you for all the damage Azkaban did to you."

"I don't want money. I just want a bloody piece of paper that says I'll never have to go back to that place again!"

"I'm really happy for you, Sirius!" said Harry, hugging his godfather.

Sirius smiled, but his happiness didn't reach his eyes. He was happy that he was free, but there was someone else he wanted to share that happiness with. He was surprised when the first person that came to his mind wasn't the woman he was living with, but Remus.

He missed his best friend. He wanted to celebrate his freedom with him. He still wasn't ready to admit his real feelings, but he wanted Remus to come back. He wanted to hug him, and touch him, and kiss him. The images of their night together constantly haunted him. His lips always throbbed when he remembered Remus' kiss. If only he had been braver. He should have stopped Remus when he had the chance. He should have made it clear to Alexis that he was the one for Remus, not some crazy bastard who was a Death Eater.

They went back to Hogwarts where a big welcoming party was expecting them. It wasn't news for most of the staff that James was alive, but it was a relief to stop pretending that he wasn't. Dumbledore decreed that there wouldn't be any classes the next day, so everyone decided to enjoy themselves the best they could. Only Severus didn't seem so cheerful, but then again, he never did.

Sirius didn't feel like talking and laughing, so he retreated to the terrace to be alone and do some thinking. The weather outside was chilly, but he didn't feel a thing. He could only think about Remus and what he was doing at that exact moment. Did he know Sirius was free? Why was it that his freedom didn't taste as good as he thought it would? He knew the answer, but he didn't want to admit it. He wanted Remus to be partying by his side, patting him on the back, drinking firewhiskey with him until they were both totally wasted. He could picture everything in his head. They would lean on each other's shoulder for support, and sing out of tune and laugh all the way to their rooms. Then Remus would leave Sirius lying on his bed, and would fall awkwardly on top of him. They would stare, lose themselves in each other's eyes and then... They would kiss and forget about the world outside.

He missed Remus so much. He was so stupid for letting him go.

"Hey, Sirius, the party is inside," said James.

Sirius only nodded but didn't say anything. James leaned against the wall next to him and stared at the snow calmly falling from the sky forming a beautiful white curtain.

"The giants aren't here anymore," James said, keeping the conversation light.

"They wanted to be somewhere warmer."

James looked down. He knew something was wrong, but he didn't know if he should ask or wait for Sirius to tell him. He glanced at his friend, who looked so sad and lost when he should be partying and laughing inside. He cleared his throat, and they stayed quiet for a long time.

"What's wrong?" James asked, deciding that he was the one who should bring up the subject, because it was obvious that Sirius wouldn't do it.

"I just wanted to be alone. The day was so hectic," Sirius answered quietly.

James bit his lower lip and nodded. It wasn't just that, but he should take things slow. "Yes, it was. I feel like sleeping for days. Actually, I feel like going back to the island. Everyone is looking at me like I have all the answers, like I'm their saviour. Can you explain to me how Harry can put up with all of this? It's scary."

"I know what you mean. They placed such a burden on the boy's back. Good thing he has you to share it now. Maybe you can alleviate things for him a little. Harry has been through so much already, and he's so young. I constantly fight with Dumbledore about things concerning Harry."

"I wish I could take Harry's place and let him be the sixteen-year-old boy that he is. I feel so sorry for having spent all of this time away from him... I didn't watch him grow up. I can't believe Dumbledore let him stay with those horrible muggles."

"Well, at least he's not with them now. And you're here. I'm sure together, the two of you will work things out."

"Sometimes I feel like I'll never reach him. We don't seem like father and son. We look like friends who only greet each other and talk about the weather," James said making Sirius chuckle. "It isn't funny! I think he finds it easier talking to Snape than to me!"

Sirius made a face. "Now that's a real disaster! I can't believe this, James. How do you know?"

James remembered the previous day when Harry and Severus looked so strange. "I just have this feeling."

"I hope you're wrong or else you're doomed. Snape?" Sirius pretended to be sick. "No way."

"I'm not sure, so..." James sighed, almost irritated. He hated to think that Harry trusted Snape more than him. He wanted his son to come to him when he had problems. He knew Harry was going through a lot, especially now that Draco had been taken away. He wanted to be there for his son. But at the moment, Sirius was the one who needed him. "Anyway why are you so isolated? You're not the lonely type, so just spit it out."

"I'm not the lonely type? Try spending thirteen years of your life in Azkaban," Sirius smirked.

James frowned. "I hope that wasn't an invitation."

"Shut up, James."

"You miss him, don't you?"

Sirius crossed his arms, the cold finally catching him. He felt it through his clothes, soul, heart. James knew. His friend had finally exposed him. James knew that he missed Remus more than anything else. He knew that Sirius was supposed to be sharing today with Remus.

"What happened between you two?" James asked carefully.

"Why do you ask?" Sirius asked back defensively.

"I know you. I know something happened in the cottage. Lucius thinks..."

"Lucius?" Sirius snorted. "I understand you have something weird going on with him, but I really can't handle when you talk about him in such an intimate way, James! It's just creepy."

"Well, get used to it, because we're together now."

Sirius stared at James. "All right. It's your life. Even though I don't trust the bastard, and you shouldn't trust him either..."

"Like you said, it's my life," James cut him off coldly. "And we're not talking about me and Lucius, we're talking about Remus."

Sirius moved a few steps away from James, really feeling cold now. "What about that stupid prick?"

"This is what I'm talking about!" James exclaimed, coming closer to Sirius. "Whenever we talk about Remus, you get mad for no reason."

"He joined Voldemort. I think that is reason enough!" Sirius pointed out, upset.

"Yes, he did. He did it to help the Order."

"No!"

"No?"

"No! He did it to run away from me!" Sirius shouted.

James opened his eyes widely as Sirius covered his mouth with his hand. He couldn't believe he had said that.

"Why would he want that?" James asked.

"Because..." Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was time to let it all out. After all, James was his friend. "That night in Malfoy's cottage... I had a fever... It isn't an excuse or anything... just a fact. I think I asked Remus to sleep next to me, or he just lay down on the bed on his own. Anyway, I remember sensing his body next to me, and his smell... And everything felt like a dream. I really thought I was dreaming... And we kissed."

"Sirius..."

"And we had sex. And when the morning came, I couldn't face him. I couldn't face myself."

James felt pity for his friend, for it was obvious that he was terribly confused. "Sirius..."

"I didn't know what to do or say!" Sirius kept saying nervously. "What was I supposed to do? I felt like scum. I betrayed Narcissa. And I said terrible things to Remus. I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid that he'd never speak to me again, that he'd hate me. I guess now he does hate me. After everything I said to him... He more or less told me that he loved me, but I'm not sure. All I could do in return was shout at him. I drove him away, James. It's because of me that he joined Voldemort."

"I don't think he hates you, Sirius. He loves you. I think he has been in love with you ever since we were just schoolmates."

That was a shock to Sirius. He didn't expect a revelation like that. "How do you know?"

"Well, Remus never really told me, but... it was sort of implicit in the way he looked at you."

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know. Maybe it was because I had my own secrets to keep."

"Oh, James..." Sirius rested his back on the wall and let his mind drift away. "If only I had known... Do you remember when we both kissed?"

James reddened. "Yes, I do."

"I told myself I was mad about Narcissa that day. But maybe I was actually mad about Remus." Sirius buried his hands in his hair. "I'm in so much trouble, James. I have no idea what I should do. Should I break up with Narcissa? I do love her. But... I guess I love Remus, too. I'm so confused."

James enlaced Sirius' shoulder. "I think... Love is complicated. But you'll figure out. I denied my feelings for Lucius for so long and now look at us."

"I'd rather not," Sirius grunted. "Are you really together?"

"Yes, we are, as incredible as it might sound. We have a long road ahead of us, but... I'm optimistic."

"I still can't believe you like Lucius Malfoy. He isn't good enough for you, James!"

"He's trying to be a better person. He didn't throw a fit because he lost his possessions. He almost did, but in the end I was able to calm him down." James seemed very proud of himself.

"He didn't have a heart attack because he probably has hidden bank accounts outside England."

James frowned. That was probably true. That might be the real reason why Lucius seemed more light-hearted when James met him after the hearing. He shook his head. He would ask Lucius later. "Even if he does have a hidden bank account somewhere else, what matters is that he saved me. He pulled me out of my coma. He has so many things to deal with, and he's trying the best he can. You have no idea what kind of childhood he had. He's suffered enough. I think he deserves a second chance, and I'm willing to give it to him." James let go of Sirius and walked towards the staircase that led to Hogwarts' grounds. He stopped before the exit and kicked a stone that was on the way, making it roll down the stairwell and sink in the snow. "Once I came to terms with my feelings, it became really easy to accept him, to accept us. I was also scared of a lot of things. I still am. But I don't care anymore."

"What if he betrays you?"

James stared at Sirius. "I'll be heartbroken and devastated. But I won't stop loving him. I'm already a lost cause in this matter." He smiled sadly. "I fought against my feelings for too long, and my life wasn't any better. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away from him, but all I managed to do was ruin mine and Lily's life together. The only thing that makes me happy is Harry. He's the only good thing about my past. And Lily, of course. She was like sunshine. The rest of my life was horrible. I made one mistake after another. Lucius' life was horrible, too. We belong to each other. I know this now. You should come to terms with your feelings too, Sirius, before it's too late. I was given a second chance. So were you. You're free, after all. I don't understand what you fear, Sirius. What is it? What's wrong in admitting that you love Remus? Is it the fact that being with him will make you a homosexual?"

"No, it isn't that!" Sirius protested, too energetically for James' taste. "I swear I have nothing against it. I only complain about you because your partner is Malfoy. I don't have a problem with my sexuality, whatever it is. It's just that... Narcissa..."

"Oh, Sirius, don't use me as an excuse for your own prejudice and cowardice!" exclaimed Narcissa, coming out to the porch and staring at Sirius with a deadly expression. Her presence took both men by surprise, but it was even worse for Sirius, who seemed mortified.

"How long have you been here?" he asked with his heart beating a hundred miles per hour.

"I just got here, but it was enough for me to hear your stupid comment." She looked very angry, and she had all the right to be.

"I... er... I think I'll leave you two alone," James said after an awkward period of silence.

"You do that. Lucius has been pissing me off to interrupt you two for quite a while."

James glanced one last time at his friend and shot him a look of encouragement before returning to the party. Sirius hated this kind of situation, and he wanted to ask James to stay, but he just let James go without saying anything. James had nothing to do with this. Sirius needed to face it alone. The time had passed for him to be honest with Narcissa and with himself.

"Sissy..." he began softly.

"Don't even try, Sirius." She crossed her arms. "I'm mad at you, and not just because you were unfaithful to me!"

"You said you just got here! How do you k..." he stopped abruptly as he saw her victorious expression. She hadn't heard a thing. She was just guessing. Now she knew for sure because he had fallen into her trap. He swore under his breath for his stupidity. "Listen, Sissy... I didn't mean for it to happen. It was just this one time, ok? I wasn't myself..."

She frowned and raised her hand for him to stop. "That's not what I want to hear. If you slept with him, then I guess you were yourself for the first time in your life. You were finally honest. That's why I'm mad at you. I can't stand to hear you lying to yourself. Perhaps we've both been lying..." she sighed sadly. "We both used each other to escape from reality. I needed to escape from my marriage with Lucius. You needed me to escape from your feelings for Remus. I don't know why you're so scared of your emotions, but you shouldn't be. He loves you. No one will care! You're trapped inside your chauvinist mind where it's ok for Harry and Draco to be together, but it's not ok for you to love a man! For Merlin's sake, Sirius! Even Lucius accepted his love for James! Why can't you?"

Sirius was too surprised to say anything. He swallowed hard. It seemed as if a big lump was stuck in his throat. He didn't know why he was so scared. Perhaps Narcissa was right. He was hiding his true feelings. He was denying what he really felt because he was ashamed of it. He was just like his father, just another bigot.

"I just want you to be happy," Narcissa whispered, caressing his face with her delicate hands. "James is right. You should admit once and for all how you feel before it's too late."

Silent tears fell down his cheek. It was so hard to admit it, even though his heart already knew what was right. He thought about Remus' smiling and his sweet face, and then his mind drifted to a darker thought, where Remus was severely hurt, pale and... dead. He took a deep breath and ordered himself to stop thinking about that. He couldn't let that happen to Remus. He wouldn't.

"Sissy..." he licked his dry lips. "I... I'm sorry."

She smiled feebly. "Just say it, Sirius. It'll make you feel better. It isn't that hard."

"Please, forgive me. I do love you. But I love Remus, too. I love him." It was finally out, and he felt like a big burden had been removed from his heart.

"I know. I love you, too. But I'm not your special someone."

They hugged emotionally, and she made an effort not to cry. She was stronger now. Even though she had lied to Sirius a little by telling him that she had only used him, she realised that her happiness didn't depend on him alone. After so many years of living in Lucius' shadow, she cherished her independence. She would be sad to watch him go, but she would get over the loss.

"I really want you to be happy," she repeated, kissing him on the lips one last time. "I give you my blessing."

He kissed the palm of her hands. "Thank you. You're too good for me."

"Don't thank me, Sirius. Just go after him and bring him back. All that he wants is to hear those three magical words."

He smiled. She saw determination in his eyes, and she knew his mind was already working on a plan to get Remus back. She smiled for his sake. At least he couldn't hear her heart shattering into little pieces. He didn't need to know just how sad she was for letting him go.

--------------------------------------

Remus always had to watch his back when he walked through the dark hallways of the Black Fortress. If there was one thing he had learned very quickly in that place it was to always keep his wand ready. A werewolf was as unwelcome among the Death Eaters as it was anywhere else. Alex was very mistaken about them. Those men weren't interested in helping them. They were only interested in their own ambitions.

He pitied Alex. Alex was the only reason why Remus stayed in the place, because someone had to take care of him. Alex had been taking Voldemort's miraculous potion to end the werewolf curse, and he had been extremely ill ever since. Remus suspected the potion to be poison. Voldemort wanted to exterminate them, not help them.

Remus wanted to leave that place desperately, but he couldn't. Alex still believed he would be cured.

"Remus," he heard Alex's voice behind him and turned around quickly.

"Alex! What are you doing up? You should be in bed."

Alex walked unsteadily towards him. His expression was of intense pain. He coughed a few times and Remus embraced him so he wouldn't fall. He gently caressed Alex's sweaty forehead, sighing deeply. If Alex didn't stop taking that potion, he'd soon be dead. Remus felt a lump in his throat. He wanted to shake Alex, to make him understand that if they stayed, they'd die. He needed to get Alex out of this horrible place.

"Alex..."

"Please, don't." Alex's plea had such a sad tone that Remus stayed quiet and just waited for whatever it was that Alex wanted to say. "I woke up and you weren't there. You're always there, Remus. Don't leave me like this, ok? It isn't safe for you to wander alone."

Remus was touched by Alex's worry, but it made him even more confused. If Alex knew that this place was dangerous, then why did he keep lying to himself that Voldemort wanted to help them? He tried to speak, but once again Alex interrupted him.

"Let's go back to our room. I need to tell you something."

Even though Remus wanted to scream from frustration, he obediently followed Alex's orders. He wondered if his subservience was inherited from his mother. He'd grown up watching his mother do everything his father told her to, and after Remus had been bitten, he had done the same thing to everyone in his family. Remus Lupin, always so eager to please, to be accepted, to be loved. He was tired of being that way, but it was too late to change. He didn't even know how.

He just let Alex lead them to their room, where he made the other werewolf lay down. Then he took a healing potion from a hidden place in his belongings and gave it to Alex. He was surprised that Alex didn't refuse to drink it as he usually did. A glimmer of hope lighted up in his heart.

"Remus..." Alex caught his hand and squeezed it. "I... I want you to go. I want you to leave this place."

For a second, Remus smiled. But the wide smile died away from his lips when he realised that Alex wouldn't go with him.

"No. I won't go if you don't go with me," he said. He wouldn't obey Alex this time. He couldn't leave Alex alone in this place.

Alex just smiled sweetly. "Yes, you will. I'm dying, Remus. I can't go too far. If I were with you, I would be holding you back. I can't do this to you. I already brought you here with me, even though I knew I shouldn't have, even though I knew you didn't belong here at all. I was jealous... I didn't want you to be with Sirius."

Remus swallowed hard. "Sirius? He doesn't even like me anymore."

"He does. He's a bastard for making you suffer, but he does like you. He's just scared." Alex closed his eyes. "I don't really mind him, but I mind what you feel for him. You love him. You could never love me the way you love him."

Remus licked his lips. "It doesn't matter anymore. Just rest, ok?"

Alex instantly opened his eyes. "You must go tonight, Remus!"

"Stop talking nonsense, Alex! I won't go anywhere without you. Besides, didn't you tell me not to leave you alone?" Remus caressed Alex's hair softly. "I won't go anywhere. I came here for you. I'll stay by your side."

Alex felt tears in his eyes. Nobody had ever cared for him like that. Even though he knew Remus didn't love him the way he wanted him to, and that his caring was only out of friendship, even so... He was happy to have such a good man by his side.

"You don't understand..." a cough stopped him abruptly. He put his hand on his mouth. He felt faint, and he was even more desperate to make Remus understand the reasons why he had to leave. Remus made him drink another turquoise liquid. He wanted to tell him that it was useless, but he knew Remus would just shush him. He looked at his hand. It had blood on it again. He didn't say anything, and neither did Remus, who just took a wet cloth from a small basin on top of the bedside table and began washing Alex's hand.

"How can I leave you when you are like this?" Remus asked.

"I don't want your pity," Alex said angrily.

"It isn't pity!"

"Yes, it is!" Alex tried to find a comfortable position in bed. "You have to leave. You will anyway after I tell you what I know."

Remus felt his heart skipping a beat. "What is it?"

"Tomorrow will be Christmas Eve. Do you know what the Dark Lord is planning to do?"

Remus shook his head. He didn't know. Nobody trusted him enough. He was surprised that he was still alive.

"He's going to attack a Muggle neighbourhood in Surrey called Little Whinging."

"No!" Remus exclaimed, surprised. "That's... it's where Harry used to live."

"He's planning to attack this place, and send the muggle prisoners to his concentration camp." Alex breathed hard. "I also heard that most werewolves will be sent there."

"Where exactly?" Remus asked. Both of the answers were terrifying, but there was one place he feared more.

"To the MCC," Alex whispered.

Remus shook his head, terrorized. "No. It can't be. He wouldn't send us to that place. He would be mixing..."

"...werewolf and zombie blood," Alex finished for him. "He'll create an even more terrifying creature."

"He'll create a monster!"

"And now you understand why you have to leave."

Remus did, and more than ever, he was tempted to just turn his back on that hell and run away. But he was even more determined to take Alex with him. He couldn't leave Alex behind, not after knowing what would happen to him if he stayed.

"Does Draco know about this?" Remus asked.

"Who cares about what that spoiled rich kid knows? He's the Dark Lord's protégé. I'm sure he knows, Remus. But that doesn't make any difference."

It could make all the difference in the world, because next to Draco was Blaise, the most important spy for the Order of the Phoenix. But Alex didn't know that, and it was better that way.

Remus looked thoughtful for a moment, his mind working on a way to escape without looking as though they were escaping. If Voldemort was really planning to imprison werewolves in the MCC, he had to act fast. But first, he needed to know if Blaise Zabini already knew about the attack in Surrey.

"I'll leave, but you have to come with me," Remus said resolutely.

"Remus..." Alex said tiredly. "I can't go."

"Do you still believe in that... thing's ideals?" Remus questioned angrily.

"I never believed in them. I just thought... that I could live a normal life... I don't believe in the Dark Lord. I never did. You know I hate my father, and he's the best example of everything that Lord Voldemort believes. I don't want to be like him. But I guess... I am. It's better if you leave tonight, Remus. I'll stay, because you know I'll be a burden to you. I'm dying..."

"Don't say that! We'll get out of here together!" Remus exclaimed heatedly. "I won't leave you here."

"But Remus..."

"No buts, Alex. We'll leave together. It's settled. I just need to figure out a way. I have to go now, but I'll be back to get you, ok? I will be back."

"No, Remus! Just go alone!" Alex said frantically. "I don't want you to die because of me. I was stupid to ask you to come with me. Please, leave me."

Remus shook his head. Alex saw the determination in his eyes, and he didn't like it. He shouted for Remus as he watched him leave the room, but Remus didn't come back. He closed his eyes tiredly. He didn't know how to pray. He didn't even believe in a god. But this time he prayed for Remus to escape from the Black Fortress alive.

--------------------------------

He felt a tongue slowly and temptingly sneaking into his parted lips, and then a pair of warm lips meeting his. He opened his eyes widely and gripped his hands on the sheets of his bed. The first thing he thought was to push the person away, whoever it was. He had his wand under his pillow, just in case an enemy tried to attack him while he was asleep. In a place such as the Black Fortress, he had to be very careful about his security. There were too many men longing for his position.

But since the person was kissing him, the first name that came to his mind was Pansy's. Related to the Dark Lord or not, Draco wasn't her plaything. He had forbidden her to step into his room unless she was invited. She should know better than to attack him in his sleep. He hated surprises. But it took him just a second to realise that the kiss wasn't Pansy's at all, because her kisses had never been pleasant or had aroused him this much. Pansy wasn't delicate or soft when she kissed him either.

As the stranger's tongue explored his mouth, and he felt small bites and licks on his now swollen lips, Draco moaned against his will, and he knew for sure that it wasn't Pansy. Pansy would never illicit that strong a response from him. Was it Zabini? Blaise had been ogling him long enough. Perhaps the boy had finally given in to temptation.

But Draco's room was surrounded by magical barriers. Blaise knew about them. He wouldn't be so stupid as to enter his room without being invited. He wouldn't risk his neck to spend one night with Draco, no matter how attractive the blond was. Whoever it was, it was someone very powerful.

The kiss became more demanding. Draco let go of the sheets and his hands rested on the stranger's waist, moving up to feel their chest. Yes, it was definitely another man that was on top of him. He felt the other man's arousal touching his, and he wondered how he could have missed that bulge rubbing against him. But he doubted it was Blaise. It couldn't be. Blaise sure interested Draco, but not like this. Blaise didn't seem to be able to knock him off his feet like this.

He was in heaven, and if that was the case, he might as well close his eyes and relax. If sex was going to be the weapon used to kill him, he would die happy. The kiss had made him light-headed and shaky. He felt himself uncoiling. It was dangerous to surrender like that, but he didn't care. He was a slave of the amazing sensations the stranger was making him feel. He had never felt something so strongly. The kisses deepened. His heart began to beat faster as if it would come out of his mouth. His breathing was unstable. There was a strange heat running through his body, making him want to tear his clothes apart. There were too many clothes in their way. Why didn't the man just rip them off?

As if answering him, the stranger slipped his warm hand under his shirt and manipulated a nipple, rubbing it with his fingers. He tried to protest; after all, he wasn't a woman. But then his shirt was taken off, and lips took the place of fingers, licking and biting his pink nipples, making him shiver and squirm and burn. He couldn't see the stranger's face in the dark, but he noticed when the man took his own shirt off. The touch of their naked torsos felt like a jolt. Draco enlaced the man and ran his fingers along his back.

His pyjama's pants came next. The stranger seemed even more eager to take them off. Draco panicked for a moment, but when the man went down on him, he relaxed and closed his eyes. It was the strangest feeling in the world, but he knew he had done this before. He knew he wouldn't get hurt. He felt a finger inserting inside of him, preparing him for the next stage. He squirmed again.

There were so many things he wanted to say, but all that came out of his mouth were unintelligible sounds. He didn't know he was capable of sounding so lustful. He didn't know he could moan like this. He let himself be ravished. He felt a pleasurable pain. The man entwined his fingers with his and gripped them hard as their bodies moved to the same pace. Draco didn't want it to end. He was falling and that delicious body was the only thing to hold on to. He held on to it tightly, afraid that the man would suddenly disappear. He couldn't let that happen. They were supposed to always be together.

And then he came, his body convulsing and trembling in the waves of pleasure.

"Draco..." whispered the man.

"What?" Draco whispered back, his heartbeat coming back to normal slowly.

"I'll come for you."

"I think you already did," he said playfully.

"No. I'm coming for you. I'm coming to rescue you."

Draco frowned. "What?"

The candles on both of his bedside tables lit up, and he met a pair of determined emerald eyes.

"I'm coming to get you. You'll be with me again."

He stopped breathing. The one on top of him, the one who had made him feel so good, was his enemy. It was Harry Potter. He wanted to shove him aside, take out his wand and jinx him. But all he did was stare and want him to come closer. He wanted Harry Potter to be closer to him.

"How did you get in?" he asked after regaining his voice.

A knock on his door interrupted him. "DRACO!" shouted Blaise.

Harry tried to get off of Draco but the blond was faster. He held Harry's arm, took his wand from under the pillow and pointed at Harry's throat. Harry didn't seem scared or affronted by this. He looked rather amused. It was Draco who was affronted.

"Potter! Where do you think you're going? How did you get in? Answer me!"

Harry smiled. "Even naked you keep your Malfoy dignity intact." Harry ignored Draco's snort and his wand and hugged the blond tightly. "I really miss you. A lot."

"What?" Draco was more confused than ever. Since he had regained his self-control, he pushed Harry away from him. "What are you talking about? Get away from me!" Draco pointed his wand at him again. "I'll hex you if you touch me again!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "I did more than just touch you."

Draco snorted. "How dare you! And... and... I didn't know you were a fag!"

That seemed to hurt Harry. Draco smiled for a moment until he realised they had just had sex. He was also a fag, because he had liked everything Harry did to him.

"DRACO!" shouted Blaise, knocking hard on the door.

Draco stared at Harry. "You're doomed. Zabini will come in and I'll surrender you to the Dark Lord. I don't care how you got in here anymore. You were really stupid to come."

Harry smiled. "You can't hand me to Voldemort."

"Why not?"

Harry just smiled mysteriously. Perhaps Harry thought Draco wouldn't turn him in because they had just had the best shag of Draco's life. If he thought that, he could think again. Draco didn't care about him. Potter could rot in hell as far as Draco was concerned.

"You told me once that you'd always find your way back to me. I intend to make you keep that promise."

Draco couldn't understand what Harry meant, and before he could reply, Harry vanished. He still tried to catch him, but it was in vain.

"Harry!" he shouted before he noticed what he had just said. He had called out to Potter by his first name. He woke up sweating and panting on his bed, with no Harry Potter in it. He still had his pyjamas on, and the only difference was the wetness between his legs. "No way! No way..."

He looked everywhere for Harry, but he didn't find him. He sat down on his bed and sighed. It had been just a dream. He had an erotic dream about Harry Potter. The dream had been so real that he had come. He was more than just shocked. He couldn't understand what had just happened. It couldn't have been just a dream. It had been too real. It'd felt real. Draco's body was still sensitive. But how did Harry enter his dream? He had to find out. If there was a spell that could do that, he needed to know. He was very confused. Harry had touched him as if he knew every part of Draco's body, as if he knew his sensitive spots. Harry had acted like they were intimate. It wasn't possible, but Draco needed to discover the truth.

And what was that about rescuing him? Draco didn't need to be rescued.

He jumped as he heard a harsh knock on his door, and Blaise shouting for him. "Come on, Malfoy! The Dark Lord is waiting, and you know how much he hates to wait. Don't play with your luck just because you're the bitch's fiancé."

Draco cursed under his breath. He had forgotten about the meeting. He had overslept. Of course, he couldn't have awoken any earlier, not with Harry Potter kissing him in his dreams. He felt like slapping himself for such an inappropriate thought. He should be disgusted by such a dream. But the truth was that he wasn't. He was still excited.

"DRACO!"

Draco clenched his fists and opened up the door. "Shut the fuck up! And watch your language! Don't speak to me in such an informal manner. Don't talk about my fiancée using disrespectful words - even if they're true. I already told you not to call me by my first name!"

"I'm sorry, but the Dark Lord will be really mad if you're late and..." Blaise's voice died away as he noticed a stain on Draco's pants. He smirked. "Erotic dream, huh? So that's what was keeping you busy... I can't blame you. It must have been a hell of a dream."

Draco blushed furiously and slammed the door in Blaise's face. He had forgotten about the stain! He called himself stupid over and over while Blaise laughed outside. Draco made a note to himself that he would teach Blaise a lesson when the meeting with Voldemort was over.

When he was finally clean and dressed, he opened up the door again and made the usual gesture with his hand for Blaise to follow him through the corridor.

"One word about this to anyone and you won't live to see the sunrise," Draco threatened.

Blaise hid a smile. "I won't tell anyone, Master."

Draco shot him a murderous look. Blaise wanted to laugh his heart out, but he couldn't. Draco wouldn't allow it. He was caught by surprise when Draco shoved him inside an empty room out of the blue and closed the door. They stared at each other. Blaise wondered what Draco wanted with him. Draco wondered if Blaise was trustworthy.

"This isn't the meeting," Blaise said.

Draco sneered. "Your cleverness never ceases to amaze me."

Blaise licked his lips. "What do you want?"

"I need you to do me a favour."

Blaise frowned. Draco never asked for favours. He demanded them to be done, and done properly. The dream must have really messed with his head. Blaise wondered if Draco had dreamed about Harry. "What is it?"

"I need you to research dreams. Find everything you can about them, including if people can invade other people's dreams. If someone asks, tell them you had a bad dream and you're just searching for an explanation. You can even say you're a fan of that divination crap."

Blaise now had a lot of questions in his head, but he knew it would be dangerous to ask them. He took that as a good sign. It meant Draco was probably starting to doubt the reality around him. He must have dreamed about an episode of his past. Or maybe Blaise was getting his hopes too high. Either way, he should just do as Draco told him to and help him the best way he could.

"This research is really important to me, so be careful," Draco required.

Blaise nodded. Even though the curiosity was eating him alive, the only thing he asked was, "Is that all?"

Draco hesitated. So far Blaise had been very loyal to him, but he could never be too sure. He was dying to ask him about Harry, and it wouldn't seem suspicious to ask generic questions about his enemy. But he doubted that Blaise would know anything more about the Golden Boy than Draco already knew, so he decided to stay quiet about it. Instead, he asked about his father. Blaise arched an eyebrow as if that was the last thing that he expected Draco to ask him.

"What about your father?" Blaise questioned.

"Do you know why he betrayed the Dark Lord? Do you know where he is?"

"No. I don't know anything about your father. But if you want me to find out..."

"No. I just... Never mind." There were so many things Draco wanted to know about his parents. All he knew was that both of them were traitors. They had betrayed the Dark Lord, and Draco couldn't understand why. It was difficult for him to picture his mother doing something so out of the ordinary. He had never thought of Narcissa as rebellious. She had always been so cold. And Lucius was another mystery to Draco. His father had always wanted more power. Lucius had always talked about the Order of the Phoenix with contempt. They were losers, and Lucius Malfoy had never been on the losing side. There were so many mysteries in his life. But he didn't have time for any of them. Voldemort was waiting for him. "I have to go."

"Malfoy..."

Draco stared into Blaise's eyes. "What?"

"Are you ready for the mission in Surrey?" Blaise asked carefully.

Draco frowned. "What's wrong? Are you afraid or something?"

Blaise crossed his arms angrily. "That isn't it. It's just that... We're used to blackmailing people, not killing them. And tonight we will have to kill if necessary. And it will be Christmas Eve! I don't question the Dark Lord's orders and I don't like muggles, but... It's too cruel. And you know where he will send the prisoners, if there are any."

Draco bit his lower lip. They were all playing a part here. Blaise was supposed to be quiet and just follow his orders. He wasn't supposed to question him like that. He wasn't supposed to say those things. If someone else heard them, they would be in big trouble. Draco wanted Blaise to stop questioning him all the time. He was Blaise's master. He didn't owe him any explanations. In fact, he could punish Blaise for his cheek. But he had a point. Draco was also apprehensive about their new mission. Up until now, the only thing he had done was talk people into joining Voldemort, using blackmail if it was necessary. This time he would have to kill people. He didn't find it amusing. He didn't like muggles, but to kill them and throw them to the zombies... It was too cruel. He didn't agree with Voldemort, but he had to participate this time. It was his destiny, wasn't it?

"What do I always tell you? Keep your thoughts to yourself," Draco said coldly.

"But..." Blaise was thinking about the way Draco had asked him to make sure that he didn't do anything bad while he was under the potion's influence, but Blaise didn't know what to do. Draco didn't listen to him. He'd have to find a way to keep Draco out of the big fight. Blaise didn't even know why he cared. All he knew was that he felt proud of himself for the first time in his life because he was a spy. He was helping people. He was trying to help Draco the best way he could. He wanted to be a better person for Seamus. He wouldn't screw up. He couldn't. He would find a way. "Never mind."

"We just follow Voldemort's orders, no questions asked," Draco said. "But I... I understand. We'll get used to it, probably..."

Blaise felt like shaking Draco. Did he really think they would just get used to killing people, to see them being killed in such a horrible way? Blaise told himself that this wasn't really Draco, that it was the potion talking. The old Draco would never say something like that.

Draco cleared his throat. "I'm late. I should be going. And you... I'll be waiting for your report about dreams after the meeting is over."

"But Draco... There must be too many books about dreams! I won't be able to search through them all."

"Just find if there's a way to connect people's dream or something. Don't question me! Just do it! You're a real pain in the ass! I must have been mad when I chose you as my personal assistant."

Draco left the room fuming. He hated to be questioned like that, and from someone lower than him. If he were to be honest with himself, he would realise that Blaise wasn't the only reason he was so angry. There was that disturbing dream, for one thing. There was also the mission in Surrey. He should get a grip though. Soon he would be in Voldemort's presence, and he should keep himself together. He couldn't show weakness. He didn't want Voldemort sneaking under his thoughts. He couldn't risk him discovering the dream he had just had about Potter.

Inside the room, Blaise's mind was working furiously on a way out of the mission in Surrey when someone walked in. He frowned, and his fingers were instantly drawn to his wand.

"Wait, Blaise. I'm on your side. I'm here to ask you something. And I need a favour, too," said Remus.

Blaise kept his wand firmly gripped in his hand, but he said, "Go ahead."

------------------------------------

When Harry woke up, his whole body was sensitive to touch. He looked down and sighed as he saw the stain in his pyjama's trousers. He didn't understand exactly what had happened. He had dreamed about Draco. It'd been too real, but still he wasn't sure if it was only a dream or the daydream connection spell activated in accordance with his wishes. Perhaps his bond with Draco was now so strong that he didn't need Erin's help anymore. Whatever it was, Harry had seen and touched Draco.

He sat down and stared at the ceiling, trying to remember exactly what he had lived through his dream.

In his almost faded memories, there was the image of a huge castle that seemed to be built like The Burrow, because it looked like it would fall apart at any minute. The walls were black and asymmetric. It was obvious that the construction was made by magic. No muggle construction looked like that. He wondered if that place was Voldemort's new hideout, the legendary Black Fortress, or if Draco's mind had created it.

He entered the place like he knew where he was going, so if Draco's mind had built that place to protect him from Harry, he had done a terrible job. Harry's journey through the many hallways went smoothly. He reached his destination easily and he barely had to touch the doorknob of the large oak door to open it. His heart had beaten like crazy. Throwing caution out the window, he had walked towards the bed where someone lay in a deep sleep. It was Draco. He felt many things at once.

If that was really Draco and not just a product of his imagination, he wondered what the blond would do once he found out that Harry had invaded his subconscious and if that same subconscious would remember him or treat him like an enemy. And if Draco only recognized him as an enemy, he wondered what he would do.

There were so many questions in his heart. One thing he knew for sure was that if it was the daydream connection spell, he was risking his life. Draco could easily trap him, and Harry could fall into a coma. But there was no way Draco could know about the daydream connection spell if he didn't remember his relationship with Harry, and with that in mind, Harry relaxed a little bit. Draco would probably think of everything as a normal dream, so Harry decided to take the chance that was given to him and steal a kiss from those tempting pink lips. Draco had opened his eyes instantly, and he had reacted like Harry thought he would, which was confused and a little taken aback. The thought that Draco felt disgusted by his kiss made Harry very sad. But as he deepened the kiss, Draco had melted in his arms and Harry had felt as if he were in heaven. He trembled as he felt Draco touching him. He had missed the touch of those fingers so much. Needless to say, he had lost control. He couldn't resist Draco's softness and the way he had surrendered to his strokes. He couldn't resist the quickened heartbeats and the unstable breathing.

Harry had allowed himself to hope that Draco had remembered their relationship. But Draco didn't remember him as his lover. Only his soul did and that should be enough for Harry, at least for the time being. Even with his heart breaking and his soul bleeding, he smiled at Draco. He promised himself to go after him, because he had promised never to give Draco up, no matter what. And even though there were many things he wanted to say to Draco, he woke up all of a sudden, cold and alone in his own bed at Hogwarts.

He tossed the covers away and got up. There were many things to plan. Even if it was Christmas Eve, and for the first time he would spend it with his father, he had to plan his next steps. It was getting harder to hold on to hope, and even harder not to get depressed, but he was trying not to let his brave spirit be beaten. He didn't only have James and Sirius to cheer him up now. He also had Snape, as weird as that was. Snape didn't treat him like he was made of glass, but ever since their conversation in Hagrid's hut, he seemed to be more sympathetic to Harry. At least he wasn't glaring and taking away House points. That was a good start. It was strange to look at Snape not as an enemy but as a friend, whatever that meant. Snape had clearly said to Harry that he would listen if Harry needed to talk. That was a great achievement.

There were many things he wanted to say. Like the fact that ever since he was born he seemed to only attract problems. It was like a curse had fallen upon him from birth. Perhaps that was the price to pay for staying alive after being hit by the killing curse. He wanted to say what fears hid in his heart and that he didn't think he would make through hell alive. But those were too private to tell someone, let alone Snape.

He dressed up and made his way to his father's chambers. It was Christmas Eve after all, and he would spend it with James.

There was almost no one in Hogwarts with the exception of a few students and professors. Hermione and Ron had preferred to spend Christmas with their families. Harry didn't mind the loneliness. He only minded that Draco wasn't with him to make that special date perfect.

He was about to knock on his father's door when Lucius opened it up abruptly. Cold blue eyes stared at him.

"What?" Lucius asked.

Harry flushed slightly. He didn't even want to know what Lucius was doing in his father's chambers that time of day. "I'm here to see my father."

"And what makes you think he wants to see you?"

Harry frowned. He still couldn't understand what his father could see in a man like Lucius Malfoy.

"Oi, Lucius! Get away from the door and let Harry in!" shouted James from inside the bedroom.

Lucius crossed his arms and leaned against the doorway. "I'll let you in if you do me a favour, Potter junior."

Harry frowned even more.

"Go to the kitchen and bring me this." Lucius handed Harry a piece of parchment. "You can tell a house-elf to bring the tray here. Ask Dobby. He knows my tastes better than anyone. But tell that annoying creature that if the eggs are cold when they get here, I'll make him regret ever being born. The strawberry jam must be fresh. Your father wants muggle cereals, muffins, and sausage. But scratch those. I hate sausages and I don't even need to tell you what I think of muggles and everything related to them. Scratch the muffins, too. I'm on a diet. I want French and Italian cheeses, slightly toasted breads, Brazilian or Colombian coffee and iced tea. Am I forgetting something?" Lucius shrugged. "Well, it's all on the parchment if you have any doubts. Have fun accomplishing my wishes."

Harry stared at Lucius as if he was Fluffy, the three headed-dog. It took him a few seconds to reply. "I'm not your maid, you know. What makes you think I'll do as you please?"

Lucius rolled his eyes. "I asked you a simple request. You just need to go to the kitchen and hand the paper to Dobby. The house-elves will do the rest. Besides, you're practically my stepson. You should be nice to me. If you are, I might consider giving you something outstanding for Christmas." Lucius arched his eyebrows as if he realised something displeasing. "I can't give you anything this year. The Ministry has confiscated all of my money. But I can make it up to you next year. Your father will have to do it for now. I'm sure he won't let you down. You'll probably win the top of the market Firebolt 2000. So just do as I tell you. Make your new dad happy."

"No! You're not my father. Eww. And I won't go to the kitchen just because you ask me to!" Harry protested.

"Aren't you going to eat breakfast?"

"I am, but..."

"It's on your way, Potter. Don't be so selfish!"

"I am not!"

Harry was about to tell Lucius to bugger off when they heard a noise coming from the bedroom. Lucius bit his lower lip and started to shove Harry down the corridor, panicking. "Just go, Potter!" he said. "I'll do whatever you want for a month!"

Harry was beginning to get curious about Lucius' strange behaviour. The idea of having Lucius Malfoy as a personal slave for a month was very appealing, but Harry was even more interested to know what was going on. It was as if Lucius was afraid of James.

"Hey, where are you two going?" James asked, coming out of the bedroom with his hair still wet from the shower. "Didn't I tell you to come in, Harry?" James shot a look of suspicion in Lucius' direction. "Lucius, aren't you supposed to be somewhere else?"

Lucius crimsoned violently, and he seemed unsure of what to say. Harry found that extremely amusing. It was very funny to watch the almighty Lucius Malfoy be embarrassed.

"I was going already, Potter. I was just having a heart-to-heart conversation with your lovely son." Harry felt like screaming when Lucius enlaced his shoulders and brought him near. "Isn't that right, Harry? I was asking you what you wanted for Christmas."

Harry was about to push him away and ask what the hell was going on when he saw James smirk. He'd never seen his father smirk before, and that was also interesting to watch. He eagerly waited for what James had to say.

"Sure you were," James sneered. "And Santa and his reindeer will come to deliver Harry's presents."

"Well, that could be arranged, you know? Santa Claus was a very kind-hearted wizard and..."

"Just go fix my breakfast!" James cut him off. "We had a deal. The loser of the self-shuffling playing cards would go fix the winner's breakfast. That's your job. Now go! And don't forget that I like black tea, with milk and one sugar. "

Lucius' face was so red that Harry thought it would explode. He seemed to be very angry with James.

"You cheated!" Lucius accused.

"I did not!" James objected. "You were the one who tried to cheat and failed because I cast an anti-cheating spell on the cards!"

"That's outrageous, Potter! And you call yourself my lover!"

At hearing the word lover, Harry felt like covering his ears.

"If you don't go soon, your face will be covered with pimples. It was your idea to put a spell on the bet..."

Lucius fumed. He gripped his wand as if he was about to curse James, but instead he turned on his heels and walked though the hallway muttering about stupid bets and Potters. James laughed as he watched Lucius go. Harry wanted to laugh, but the whole thing had been too disturbing for him.

"How old are you?" Harry asked, frowning. "You two behave like children!"

James smiled. "No matter how old you are this is always funny. Come on in, Harry. What do you want to do today? I promised you a special day, right? This will be our first Christmas together." James entered his room and waited for Harry to do the same before closing the door. "We could go to Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley."

"Can we go after Draco?" Harry asked with a bitter smile.

James stayed silent for a moment and said, "No, we can't. Not today."

Harry wanted to tell his father that he didn't want to go anywhere if Draco wasn't with him. He wanted to ask people to stop pretending that things were fine just because it was Christmas, because nothing was fine. But he couldn't voice the bitter words inside his head. It wouldn't be fair to his father, who had been trying his best to get to know him and make him happy. Harry didn't want to ruin their first Christmas together. Besides, James was also rebuilding his own life now that he had come out to the wizarding world. Harry didn't want to spoil their day because of his bad mood.

"I'm really sorry, Harry," James muttered.

"Hogsmeade is fine," Harry said, putting on his best smile. He didn't want James to be sad. "Is it safe to go there?"

"Yes, it is," James answered looking a little relieved that Harry had smiled at him. "Hogsmeade has been well patrolled ever since it was attacked."

"Ok. Hogsmeade it is, then."

"Harry... You know Dumbledore and the Order are trying their best to catch Voldemort and his minions."

"I know..."

"And you know Lucius is as worried about Draco as you are. He's pulling as many strings as he can. He's been in touch with his old friends from Knockturn Alley. Draco is fine. It will only be a matter of time before we have a healing potion for him. Then we can bring him back. Voldemort...."

"Enough!" Harry cut him off, angrily. "I know! I know everybody has been doing their best. I know all of that, but as much as I try, the pain won't go away! So let's just go to Hogsmeade, ok? Let's pretend that everything is fine just because it's Christmas. Let's make funny bets and laugh! Let's pretend that all those years I had thought you were dead never existed." As soon as those words came out of his mouth, Harry regretted saying them. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..."

James came closer to him and whispered, "I don't mind. You have the right to be angry." They stared at each other, and James pulled Harry into a tight hug. Harry let himself be comforted. For many years he had wished for that hug. For many years he had longed to be comforted like this.

Harry felt the tears in his eyes, ready to fall, but he didn't cry. He just muttered, "I miss him."

James kissed the top of his head. "I know."

"But I'm happy you're with me."

James smiled feebly. "I know."

"I'm sorry."

"You've got nothing to be sorry about, Harry."

They heard the door opening, but they didn't let go of each other.

"What a lovely scene. I'm about to cry," Lucius said with a smirk. James knew it was only a façade though. Lucius was touched by the scene, and James could see the sadness in his eyes. Lucius was thinking about how much he wanted to see Draco and hug him like that. "Your breakfast is ready, Potter." Lucius waved his wand and a tray full of food appeared on the table.

"Thanks," James said.

"Oh, you'll thank me properly later," Lucius said, sending him a meaningful look.

"Please, don't look at my father like that while I'm here," Harry said, upset.

Lucius arched an eyebrow. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I know you're together, but I don't want to know anything about it."

"Like I would say something to you," Lucius mumbled.

"Hey, kids, it's Christmas' Eve," James said, calling their attention. "No fights today."

Harry and Lucius crossed their arms and glared at each other. James chuckled at their hostility.

"And I'm the childish one..." he whispered.

The rest of the morning went on in relative peace. Harry and Lucius didn't stop insulting one another, but rather than stressing them, they were having fun. They were helping each other in a way. They went for a walk around Hogwarts, and stopped by Hagrid's hut to chat. Lucius stayed inside the castle. He and Hagrid didn't get along very well.

Around noon, James and Harry returned to the castle and found McGonagall very distressed. Harry feared for the worst, when she calmed him down and told him that her anxiety had nothing to do with Voldemort.

"What is it, then?" James asked, worried.

"It's Erin. She's in labour," she said. "And I'm afraid there are complications."