Take me Home

Chap. 12 - CONFESSIONS

It hurt so much. Lucius wasn't used to that feeling anymore. Was this how it felt to be in love? He couldn't remember ever feeling so much pain. But no, he wasn't in love. Not again. He had crushed that awful feeling a long time ago. James Potter didn't mean anything to him. Then again, why did he want to help Potter? Why did he shelter James in his cottage, his most precious sanctuary? Lucius sighed, frustrated, but mostly sad. The other night had been so surreal. He'd actually made out with Potter on his couch like a teenager. He was losing his mind. And with Draco under the same roof as he was! What was he thinking?

That was the problem. His ability to think was alays forgotten when James was around.

It was James' fault. He was behaving so weirdly. First he had pushed Lucius away, and then unexpectedly he had seduced Lucius. And Lucius was only human, in spite of what everybody else thought - even himself. His heart beat just like a normal heart. He had feelings, even if his father had worked all his life to put an end to his soul, almost succeeding in his task.

Why did everything have to end in the awful memories he had of his father? He should have cast a Memory Charm on himself many years ago. But he couldn't. His father was a constant reminder that the world was just a sick place to live in, that Lucius should always keep his guards up around his heart.

He wished he could just go away with Draco; start a new life in a distant place. He wished life could give him a second chance.

Hi eyes came across a sketch he had drawn many years ago, when he was only sixteen years old. Once upon a time, Lucius Malfoy had liked to draw, and he was particularly fond of drawing James Potter. That drawing was his favourite. It showed James in his Quidditch robes, smiling playfully as he gripped the Golden Snitch in his hand.

Given that Lucius was in his hidden office and there was no one watching him, he stroked the drawing gently. He leaned back on his chair, his eyes still gazing at the sketch, his mind lost in the past. He could clearly see the image of two boys in his head making love for the last time; James questioning him about the horrible scars on his back; Lucius avoiding him the best he could, because he couldn't tell the truth to anyone, ever.

His hands began to shake a little, and he was shocked when his lips tasted something salty. A single tear had escaped from his eye without his permission. He touched the wet trail with the tip of his finger, perplexed. He hadn't shed a tear in a long time. He quickly wiped it away, annoyed.

Potter deserved a painful death for making his soul bleed again.

He shouldn't waste any more time with these silly memories. He had more important things to do, like talking to Severus, finding out if the path to Hogwarts and Hogsmeade was clear, and to start preparing the spell to call the idiot's soul back.

He shoved James' sketch carelessly inside the drawer and rose from his chair. He climbed the steps to the living room, finding no one there. The cottage seemed abnormally quiet and empty. He wondered where their guests were.

Things had been very weird since sunrise. Lupin and Black had behaved like they didn't know each other at all, which had made James very confused. James' friends had fled to Hogwarts first thing in the morning, even though Lupin kept trying to convince Black to rest a little longer. Black's coldness towards Lupin was a shock to everyone, even Lucius.

Then Harry woke up, and the yelling had started. The raven-haired boy wasn't even recovered, and yet he had found strength to yell at James for hiding important things about his mother's past. But even James didn't know what to say to Harry when the boy had told him that Lily could be related to Voldemort.

Lucius, who had been a silent spectator to the father and son discussion until that point, had been pulled away by Draco just when the conversation was getting interesting. So Lucius had gone to his hidden room, cursing Draco for becoming so bloody noble, and telling him to get out of his sight.

Now Lucius regretted being so harsh with Draco, especially after everything his son had been through. But hadn't he always been harsh? Draco was used to it, right? Still, he'd looked so sad and hurt. Lucius should have been gentler to him, but he didn't know how. With Archibald Malfoy as a role model, what did people expect him to do?

He found Draco and Harry whispering things to each other in his room, but James wasn't anywhere. His heart began to pound painfully in his chest.

"Dobby!" he shouted.

Dobby appeared, coming from the kitchen, his big nose raised up in the air.

"Where's Potter?"

"Which one, sir?"

Lucius scowled. "You know bloody well. Where's James?"

Dobby's ears fell a little. "He's outside, sir. I told him not to go there, but he didn't care."

Lucius clutched his fists furiously, making Dobby wince. He marched to the door, swearing about how he was surrounded by idiots, and how he wished he was very far away, on a distant island, drinking margaritas. He found James sitting on the porch with his eyes lost somewhere else. He wondered if James was drifting once again, and if his destiny was to look after him.

"Potter?"

James looked up, his eyes shining with tears. Lucius was surprised, but he tried not to let it show. He felt the urge to go to James and hug him, assuring him that everything would be all right, but that wasn't his style. He was a Malfoy, and Malfoys didn't melt just because of a few tears.

"What are you doing here? You should be inside!" Lucius said angrily.

"Hogsmeade isn't in danger anymore. Voldemort and his crew went into hiding again," James muttered.

"How do you know?"

James lifted a letter and tossed it to Lucius. Lucius scanned through it, frowning every now and then.

"So, Dumbledore wants Draco and Harry to stay here for a few days," he said after he finished reading it.

James nodded.

"Oh, what a happy family reunion it will be, don't you think?" Lucius smirked.

"Shut up, Malfoy," James growled.

"Ouch. What happened to Luc? Yesterday you seemed nicer to me. Was it all a lie? Were you just toying with my feelings? Shame on you, Potter," Lucius sneered. "Of course, I'm glad I didn't take you seriously. I'm not that stupid, you know?"

James stood up and took him by the collar, making Lucius gasp with surprise from the sudden aggression.

"I said, shut up!" James bellowed. "I want to be alone, in case you haven't noticed. I know blondes are a little dense to get things, but you're even dumber than the usual lot! Leave me the hell alone!"

Lucius took James' hands away from him and twisted them on James' back, making the brunette protest. Lucius moved his mouth towards James' right ear and whispered threateningly, "You should be more careful, Potter. I'm not the typical dense blond. I'm a Malfoy, don't forget that! I know dark spells you haven't even heard about. So don't fuck with me."

He pushed James away and turned to enter the cottage, but James' next words paralysed him.

"I'm sorry," muttered James softly. "I don't know why I act so irrationally sometimes. Please, stay."

"You said you wanted to be alone."

"And now you'll obey me?" James replied, upset.

Lucius counted to ten to calm down and not hit James' pretty face. "You're really annoying, Potter." James took Lucius' hand in his and squeezed it. Lucius raised an eyebrow. "And you're unquestionably the strangest person I've ever met. I don't know what I was thinking when I..." fell in love with someone like you.

"When what?"

Lucius shook his head, annoyed. "Nothing." He tried to take his hand away, but James grip got even tighter.

"I want you to stay," James said.

"What for?"

"So you can tell me what I have to do to be a good father."

Lucius held the urge to laugh madly. "You're asking me?" James nodded, and Lucius sniggered. "If there was an award for worst father of the year, I'd win with merits. I have no idea what it takes to be a father. If I knew, Draco wouldn't be in this mess in the first place."

"But Draco loves you, right? I can see how much he cares for you."

Lucius flinched imperceptibly. "I don't know about that, but if you're implying that Harry doesn't love you, you couldn't be more wrong." Lucius tried to remove his hand when James loosened up its grip a little bit, but James held it firmly in place when he noticed that Lucius' hand was slipping away. He sighed, annoyed.

"He hates me. You heard the way he talked to me, the way he accused me of lying to him," James said sadly.

Lucius rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. He was just saying those things. He didn't really mean them. Kids are just ungrateful brats. We try our best for them, and they throw all of our effort in our faces. Harry will realise that he's being unfair to you. After all, you've been his father for what? Four months? He forgets that you were dead not so long ago. Or so everybody thought. He should be a little more grateful to have you here, by his side. And I don't really know why he's so angry about being the Dark Lord's grandson, anyway. It's actually cool. He's a Slytherin!"

James made a face. Only Lucius would come up with that.

"You shouldn't worry so much," Lucius went on, absently. "Give him a few hours and he'll be pleading for your forgiveness. Who wouldn't want to have a father like you? So you're a little screwed up in the head, but he should be grateful that you're alive in the first place.He should worship the floor you walk on! It's kind of a Gryffindor thing, isn't it?" James looked at Lucius incredulously. "Bloody hell! I don't really know what he will do, all right? I never understood Draco. I'm a lousy father... You shouldn't ask me these things."

James smiled feebly. "You care for Draco, even if you don't show it. You just have this twisted way of caring for him, but it's there. I suppose that you're like that because of your father. He was a cruel man. You didn't have anyone to guide you."

"Hey, we're not analysing me!" Lucius protested. "We're talking about you and Harry." Again, Lucius tried to disentangle his hand from James' without any success. He growled, wondering what was James thinking when he took his hand in his like they were close. "Just tell him that you love him. That should work, right? Gryffindors are simple like that. Then all this drama can stop. Did you see me freaking out with Draco? No."

"You don't freak out because you're afraid of letting out your real feelings," James stated.

Lucius snorted. "Preposterous!"

"You know it's true. You avoid confrontations because you're afraid of losing control and exposing yourself. I know your game, Lucius. I know you very well. And stop moving your hand! I won't let go!" James berated him, upset.

That did it for Lucius. "Stop talking nonsense! First of all, I don't know why you're holding my hand! We're not a couple! Secondly, if you knew so much about me, you would know that..." Lucius closed his mouth instantly.

"You've got to stop doing that," James complained. "Just finish the bloody sentence!"

Lucius felt his anger rising to dangerous levels. He didn't like to feel so emotional. He had the tendency to do the stupidest things when he was furious. His come back was at the tip of his tongue, ready to come out, and he tried very hard to hold it back. But the words emerged without any control, and they didn't come out exactly the way he expected, "You would know that I cared for you, that all I wanted was for you to be with me. One word would have been enough to make me join you, to fight by your side. But you didn't care. You left me to deal with my father alone; to face his cruel punishments for betraying him."

"Luc..." James' eyes flickered with shock. "What are you saying?"

Lucius had no idea why, but now that he had started, he didn't want to stop. "That night that you left promising to come back... Well, you didn't. But my father discovered where I was, and he knew... I'm not sure how... that I had been feeding Dumbledore with information about him and Lord Voldemort. He said to me he wouldn't tell Lord Voldemort about it because he wanted to be the one to punish me, and he would punish me in a way I would never forget." Lucius looked down. "He was right about that. I'll certainly never forget... The lashes on my back... You remember then, right? You asked me about them. And to think that even after what he did to me I still trusted you..."

"Luc, I had no idea..." A tear escaped from James' eyes, and Lucius' free hand wiped it away.

"What? Is that for me? Don't cry for me, James. I already did that enough for a lifetime."

'His father... has been abusing him for years, Albus.'

"Did he..." James was afraid of asking his worst fear, but he had to. "Did he... do anything else to you?"

Lucius wished he hadn't understood what James was talking about, but he knew very well what James wanted to know. He wanted to know if his father had been cruel enough to rape hisown son. Lucius held the urge to look away. He couldn't show weakness, no matter how painful his memories were. He wouldn't succumb. He was too ashamed of it. It was the most horrible stain in his life, but he would hold his chin high.

"It doesn't matter anymore," Lucius muttered coldly.

"Of course it does!" James objected. "There were rumours, but no one really knew if they were true or not. If they knew..."

Lucius smiled bitterly. "They wouldn't have done anything, Potter. Not against my father."

"Then it was true! Your own father... touched you..." James felt sick. "Oh, God! I'm so sorry. A lot of things make sense now. How you were always so defensive, how you said to me that you'd never known about how good sex could be... How you winced every time I touched you... He abused you for years...Since when? Since you were little? Why Lucius? Why didn't you cry for help? Why didn't you tell me?"

Seeing James' expression made Lucius suddenly very aware of every humiliation he had suffered in the past, and his defences began to collapse, one by one. He hated to see the pity in James' eyes. He didn't want it. He was done with that stage of his life. He didn't want to remember it all over again. He didn't want to go back to being that scared and cowardly boy that had cried in the darkness of the Manor's dungeons many times. James couldn't do that to him.

He began to panic, and he tried to pull away from James desperately.

"Let me go!" he bellowed.

"No! Please, Luc, let me help you! You need to talk about this! You have to, or else you'll never have peace in your life."

"NO!" Lucius fought for freedom as if his life depended on it. "DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THIS TO ME!"

"You're right, I don't," James said gently. "But I could have helped you and I didn't. I didn't know, Lucius! If only you had told me the truth. If only you had been honest with me. I'm tired of so many lies between us. I don't want this anymore." James finally let the tears ran down his cheek freely. Lucius stopped struggling, his eyes also full of tears, and James stroked his face tenderly. "I was too much of a coward in the past. I was afraid of what I felt for you, because it was too strong. I couldn't handle it by myself. But I'm not afraid now. I should have told you a long time ago what I'm about to tell you." Lucius held his breath as James whispered against his mouth, "I love you. The night Voldemort broke in to my house I was going to look for you, to ask you to be with me, but he destroyed everything."

Lucius' heart ceased its beating entirely. How many days and nights had he wished to hear just that? Now that he had heard it, he felt even more hurt than before. It wasn't fair, he told himself. It wasn't supposed to be that way. He knelt down on the floor, his body too weak to keep standing. James knelt down in front of him. Their eyes never left one another. James held him carefully and protectively, and it was then that Lucius decided to stop resisting. He forgot that he was a Malfoy and that he should always be cold and in control of himself. He hugged James with all his might, his heart pounding against his chest.

No one had ever loved him. No one had ever said those words to him. He closed his eyes and let himself go. For the first time in years he allowed himself to cry. He broke down in James' arms like he was sixteen again. His strangled cries made his body tremble uncontrollably. He wished to stop, but he had no control at all over the reactions of his body. And then the asthma attacked him, making him out of breath. The air in his lungs was missing, and he felt like the oxygen was draining out of him.

"Luc!" James shouted.

Lucius gripped James' hand and guided it to his pocket, finding a small device in there that James recognised as Lucius' medicine.

"J-Jimmy..."

"It's all right. Everything is going to be all right," James muttered repeatedly as he helped Lucius take the medicine. James sat on the floor with Lucius leaning against his back. He wrapped his arms around Lucius and held him. One of his hands touched Lucius' heart, and he whispered, "Just breathe. Think about the air coming in and just relax. Yes, that's it... You're doing great." Lucius' hand squeezing his, and he stroked the delicate fingers softly. "I'm here, Luc. I'm not going anywhere." He kissed the top of Lucius' head.

Their hearts began to beat normally in unison. Lucius sighed in relief as he felt his breath steady. James held him tightly, and Lucius didn't remember feeling so safe in his entire life. He knew it was wrong to surrender just like that, but he was too weak to protest. He was emotionally drained, and if James wanted to take care of him, so be it. The truth was that he wanted to be taken care of.

He'd waited so long for this. He was afraid to pinch himself and realise that it was all a dream. But it was very real. James' warm body behind him was the proof of that. He was afraid that James was just playing with him, but still he didn't move away. He was very comfortable in James' arms. It was like he belonged in there.

And so Lucius did the unthinkable. In a whispered voice, he told James about the violence he and his brother had suffered from their own father, about how they had been forced to hate instead of love. Caesar had been a lot tougher, though, and because of that he had been killed. Lucius had lost his mind after his brother's death, and at the sight of Caesar's broken body, he'd murdered his father without any pity. He still didn't know how he had done it. That day was a blur in his memories. One thing he knew for sure was that he had also done it to protect Draco. He had seen the lust and desire to destroy in his father's eyes every time he looked at Draco, and Lucius couldn't allow Archibald to hurt Draco the same way he had done it with Lucius and Caesar.

He told James how afraid he was that he would turn out to be just like his father; how he had purposely stayed away from Draco so Lucius would never have the same violent e sick impulses as Archibald. Lucius shed more tears after that, especially when James comforted him.

"You're not your father," James whispered, stroking Lucius' hair.

"I am. Look at what I've done to Draco... I wanted him to become just like me, and for what? I wanted him to join the Dark Lord even though I knew he didn't want to. I wanted him to bury his heart, just like I did. No, I'd never do to Draco what my father did to me physically, but mentally... I made him suffer. I'm a monster. Father must be so proud of me. He must be smiling at me in hell," Lucius smirked between his tears.

"Don't be so harsh on yourself. So, you were a little... cold and unfair. But you're nothing like Archibald."

"You know nothing about me, James. You don't know half of the things I did for my father and for the Dark Lord."

"What did you do?" James asked, afraid of the answers.

"Do you know what I'm good at? I'm good at blackmailing people. My father taught me how to do it when I was very little. He said: 'This is your job, don't forget that'. So that's my profession." Lucius smiled bitterly. "I'm a blackmailer. The worst thing of all is that I'm very good at it. I even got Dumbledore out of Hogwarts once just with the use of my vicious persuasion. That's how I raise money for Voldemort, too. I'm responsible for it. Or at least I was... I don't know who's in charge now."

"What you did... Well, it does matter. But I guess... At least you weren't a killer."

"I am a killer, Potter. I killed my own father! I killed Goyle not so long ago."

"Because they hurt you pretty bad. I would have killed your father had he been alive today."

James' firm voice took Lucius by surprise.

"What you did in your past doesn't matter anymore. You're here. You betrayed Voldemort to save me."

"I'm not an angel, Potter. I have too many sins in my life. I'll certainly rot in hell."

"But if you regret your sins, you'll be forgiven. It's not too late for you, Luc. It's not too late for us."

Lucius held his breath. "Do you reay that...?"

"That I love you? Yes, I did. It took me almost twenty years to realise that, but better late than never..."

Lucius snorted. "I don't believe you. You're famous for changing your mind every five seconds."

"I'm serious!" James replied. "I might be a little thick and slow to get things when it comes to love, but once I do, I don't just change my mind, and you know it!"

"Why do you love me?"

"Do I need a reason?" James asked back, annoyed."Considering that you hated me I think my question is very appropriate."

"I just do. I... I've loved you since I first met you. I've loved you since you stood up for me when we were seven."

"Don't push it, Potter. You loved me since you were seven? Please..."

"I'm telling you the truth!"

"Took you long enough to figure out your feelings, wouldn't you say?"

"I... My father wasn't like yours, but he had high expectations from me. I was afraid of his reaction if he found out about us. He wouldn't have understood it. You weren't just a Malfoy, but a boy as well. My father was a fair man, but he was very inflexible about a lot of things. I was afraid of disappointing him. I was weak and immature..."

"And human..." Lucius said quietly.

"So you understand."

"Yes," Lucius whispered. "But it doesn't hurt any less."

"I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter. What matters now is to find a cure to Draco's problem and get your soul back. I think that we'll be able to perform the incantation in a week. It won't be easy, but I'll try my best. And I must warn you for the side effects. You'll feel sick for a few days afterwards. Your soul will need some time to adjust to you again. But I'm optimistic."

"Is this dangerous?"

"What isn't?"

"I'm serious, Lucius!"

"So am I. It is dangerous, Potter, but besides blackmailing, I'm very good with incantations, too."

"Now that you mention incantations and Draco's problem, I was thinking... Something isn't right with Draco."

Lucius frowned. "Of course something is not right! And I'm the blond here..."

James made a face. "Would you let me finish? What I meant was that I don't think Draco is poisoned. Well, not exactly."

Lucius pulled away from James instantly and stared at him. "What are you saying?"

"I was very good at Potions, remember?"

Lucius nodded. He did remember. It was actually very irritating.

"What's your point?" Lucius asked.

"Amarulentus is quite an ancient poison. It doesn't even appear in the newer books. I mean, it didn't appear in any of our books, and that was a long time ago! But it was just yesterday that the reason for this absence hit me. I don't think Snape realised it yet, but of course, I was always better than him in Potions. That's one of his reasons for hating me so much..."

"Potter, I know why Severus hates you so much!" Lucius said angrily. "I'm more interested in knowing what the hell you found out about Amarulentus!"

James crossed his arms. "You're hopeless, aren't you? You're back to the nasty mode already. I wonder what happened to the soft Lucius."

"There is no soft Lucius!" Lucius retorted, outraged. "And stop fooling around, Potter, and just go straight to the point!"

"All right! The reason why Amarulentus is not added in potions' books anymore is because one of its major ingredients doesn't exist anymore. The poison was named Amarulentus because of Amarula, a delicate blue flower that blossomed in Norway, but that was extinct in 1700. So, as you can see, it isn't possible that Draco is poisoned with Amarulentus, because technically, it doesn't exist! It can't be made!"

Lucius was shocked. "How... Are you sure about this? I mean, you're memory is still unstable, Potter."

"I know. But this time I'm sure."

"But then... We have nothing! We don't know what Draco has!" Lucius began to panic again.

"I think I can find out."

Lucius frowned. "How?"

"I need to talk to Draco so he can tell me exactly what his symptoms are."

"But if Severus didn't find out, Potter, what makes you think you will?"

"I'm better than Severus, and you know it!"

"This isn't time for an ego fight, Potter! We're talking about my son!" Lucius exclaimed, upset.

"It's not about my ego! I am better than Severus! I can do this, Lucius! Just let me talk to Draco."

"I don't know. You should talk to Severus first."

"You trust him more than you trust me?" James asked, fuming.

"That's such a stupid question," Lucius smirked. "I trust no one. But since Severus was the one taking care of it from the beginning, I think you should talk to him as well."

James nodded, even though he was feeling upset. "Ok. I'll talk to the git."

"What are we waiting for?"

Lucius stood up, and James was surprised to see how fast he had recovered from his nervous breakdown.

"You're amazing," James said.

"Took you long enough to figure that out, too, genius."

James stuck his tongue out at Lucius. "Just shut up and help me get up."

Lucius stretched out his hand for James to catch it. When they were both standing face to face, James thanked him.

"No. Thank you," Lucius said seriously.

Their eyes locked, and James kissed Lucius on the lips softly. "I think life has given us a second chance, and I won't waste it," James stated.

Lucius nodded emotionally. He knew it wouldn't be easy. He still had many wounds to heal. But for once in his life he allowed himself to hope. He stroked James' face with his fingertips, his heart filling up with love. It was very difficult for him to remain cold. His breakdown had exhausted all his energy. He wouldn't fight James and what he made him feel. He would just let himself get carried away.

But since time was precious and he wanted to talk to Severus as soon as possible, he walked to the door of the cottage and was shocked to see Draco at the entry with tears in his eyes. The silver-blue eyes that resembled so much of his own were flickering with sadness, and his rosy lips were pallid and trembling. Lucius saw how much Draco was trying to hold back his emotions, and he never felt such an urge to hold his son in his arms.

"Draco?" Lucius called to him quietly, trying desperately not to panic again and have yet another asthma attack.

"Father..." Draco's eyes shimmered emotionally. "I... I didn't know... I'm... so sorry..."

"Did you hear... everything?" Lucius asked, astonished.

"Y-yes. I-I'm sorry." Draco looked down, and Lucius saw the tears cascading down his eyes.

Lucius panicked. He had never been a real father. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. Usually he would yell at Draco for snooping on a personal conversation, but he couldn't do that when Draco looked so lost and depressed. Lucius felt James' eyes on his back, demanding him to say something, anything. Before Lucius could say a word, though, Draco ran to his arms, hugging him tightly.

Lucius' eyes flinched. He slowly cuddled Draco, his emotions running wildly. His eyes filled with tears again, but this time he refused to let them fall. Draco needed him; he would try his best not to disappoint him. After all those years of indifference and coldness, it was the least he could do for his only son.

"I'm the one who's sorry, Draco," he whispered, taking himself by surprise.

Draco looked up to face him. "You don't have to..."

"Of course I do! I've screwed things up all of my life, but I won't screw up this time." Lucius stroked Draco's face softly. "I'm sorry, Draco. You know... You know I can't be any different. You know that in a minute I'll return to my old self again, and I'll behave as nasty as ever. But I promise you I'll make it up for everything I've ever done to you. I promise that from this moment on I'll protect you with my life. And I'll find a cure for you even if it kills me."

There was such a powerful emotion in Lucius' voice that it made Draco cried, for he had never seen his father being so gentle to him. Draco had waited for that moment his entire life. He knew his father wasn't as bad as people thought he was, and there was the proof of it. He wanted to say so many things, but his sobs were making him mute and irritated with himself. He hated to be so emotional. If he didn't stop crying, Lucius would soon be very pissed off with him. Draco didn't want to spoil things between them, but he couldn't stop.

"S-Sorry..." Draco stuttered. "I... I can't..."

"Shhh... It's all right."

Lucius saw in Draco's eyes the struggle to keep his feelings together, to regain his Malfoy posture, and he felt pity for his son. Surprising everyone, he took Draco in his arms and led him into the cottage; Harry and James watched them walking away. Draco had buried his head in Lucius' shoulder, and they could hear him sobbing as they vanished from their sight.

James and Harry glanced at each other and quickly looked away, embarrassed. Harry tried to understand what had just happened. He was glad for Draco. He knew how much Draco had waited for that moment. He could see in Draco's eyes how much he praised Lucius, how much he wanted to be loved by him. But a part of him was terribly jealous of what he had just witnessed. All Harr and James did was fight ever since they'd first met. If Lucius and Draco could share a moment together, then why couldn't he and James?

'And to think that they are Malfoys!' Harry thought, stunned. 'The world is certainly upside down.'

"Isn't it funny that they have worked things out and we haven't?" Harry said, staring at James questioningly.

James made a face. He too was jealous of the touching scene displayed between Lucius and Draco.

"Life is like this," James said. "It's kind of ironic if you think about it..."

"Yeah, definitely." They remained in silence for a moment, and then Harry asked, "Do you really love him?"

James flushed slightly. He was never comfortable around Harry, but to talk to him about Lucius made things even worse.

"I..." He sighed. What was the point of denying it? Harry had heard everything already. "I do."

"What about my mother?"

James looked into Harry's eyes and saw a mix of curiosity and hostility in them. "It's rather complicated."

"Then explain it to me."

James looked away. "I... I've known Lucius since I was a kid. I've always had this fascination with him, but I was too young to know what I was feeling. It was just when we were in Hogwarts that I started to look at him with more than just... interest. He was so beautiful, so charming... and so bloody conceited and mean. But I fell in love with him, anyway." James leaned against the wall with his hands in his pockets, and his eyes got lost in the past. "Like I said to Lucius, I was afraid. Your grandfather was a great man, Harry, but he sort of planned out my entire life without asking me. He had big plans for me, and Lucius wasn't in them. So I let myself believe that what I felt for Lucius was just wrong and it would go away the moment I got married. I loved Lily very much, enough to kid myself. Don't get me wrong, please. Your mother was very important to me, and I never meant to hurt her, but I wasn't in love with her. She knew it; she had her own wounds to heal by marrying with me. You see, Lily and I were best friends. She knew me like no one else did, not even Sirius. She saw right through me. She was the one who convinced me to go after Lucius, to confess to him how I felt. Lily loved someone else, too."

Harry held his breath, taken aback. "Who?"

James looked at Harry and said, "Snape."

"Snape?" Harry's world collapsed. "She was in love with Snape?"

"Yes, and I think he loved her, too. I don't know for sure. Snape isn't an easy fellow to read, is he? But Lily was so easy to fall in love with. Snape is very strange, though. He never told her how he felt, and Lily used to say that he didn't feel the same way about her."

Harry bit his lip, trembling slightly. "So, everything I've believed all these years about you and her... it's all a lie..."

"No, Harry!" James walked towards Harry, stopping just a few inches away from him. "Perhaps I'm not who you thought I was. I know I've disappointed you. But your mother was always true to herself, and she was a great woman."

"But she joined Voldemort!"

James sighed sadly. "That's not true. He tricked her. He made her believe that he was just misunderstood, that he needed her help to change. She believed that he was her father. Lily was the kind of person who wanted to change the world. She believed that everyone had a good side, even someone like Voldemort. And if he really was her father, than she couldn't just turn her back on him. That was why she joined him. But the moment she realised that he wouldn't change, she turned against him."

"She wasn't evil?" Harry asked in a whisper.

"NO! Of course not!" James said immediately. "Lily was the sweetest girl in the world! She was the type of girl who wanted to help everyone, even those who didn't deserve it. She was naïve, but that was her charm. Well, that and her long red-hair." James smiled feebly, and then he gripped Harry's shoulder. "Don't let that monster get you, Harry. Don't let him poison you against her. She doesn't deserve it. She died protecting you. She didn't want him to lay his hands on you."

Harry felt relieved at hearing those words. Draco had told him to understand his mother's reason for joining a man like Voldemort, and there it was. Lily had only wanted to help him, and he had taken advantage of her kindness. Harry clutched his fists angrily. Even if he was related to Voldemort, he would still make him pay for what he did.

"He won't lay his hands on me. I won't let him. And I won't let him control me," Harry stated firmly.

James looked at his son proudly.

"It doesn't matter that he's my grandfather, right?" Harry asked him, a hint of desperation in his words. "He's not even human anymore. He's... He was never human. And... and... just because we're related, it doesn't mean I'll turn out to be just like him! Dumbledore told me once that our choices show us who we truly are (A/N: pg. 333, American version of CoS). I chose to be against him. I'm choosing to fight him. I'm not like him."

James stroked Harry's hair and held him tightly. "We never really found out if Voldemort was Lily's father or not. But even if he is, Harry, don't forget that you are a Gryffindor, too! You're not him. You're Harry Potter. Keep that in mind always."

Harry laid his head on James' shoulder, and let himself be comforted by him. He didn't cry, though, no matter how much he wanted to. He should be strong. There was no time for tears anymore, no time for dramas. He shut his eyes tightly, making an effort not to breakdown like Draco. Draco deserved a moment of peace with Lucius, but Harry couldn't afford to lose his mind.

James cupped Harry's face in his hands. "Look at me, Harry." Harry did, his green eyes looking brighter than usual. "You're so brave." They smiled at each other. "Please, forgive me if I don't know how to be a father. I think I'll learn in time. I never thought Lucius would be a better father than me!"

Harry chuckled. "He isn't. I think that was the first time he ever held Draco. No wonder Draco broke down like that. But Malfoy was right about something. I should be grateful that you're here. We didn't have time to get to know each other yet, but we will. No more secrets, all right?"

James nodded. "Ok. Although, it's not easy for me, Harry. If I don't tell you things is only because I'm trying to protect you."

"Don't. Secrets will only break us apart. Voldemort uses them to his own sick purposes. If you had told me about my mother, I wouldn't have been so unprepared, so defenceless."

"I know." James sat down on a chair with Harry next to him. "I'm sorry. Are you feeling ok now? Is your head hurting?"

"No. I'm fine. I'm just a little tired." Harry and James took a deep breath at the same time. They smiled. "I'm sorry for yelling at you this morning. Draco told me I was being irrational, that I wasn't even listening to your explanations."

"You really like Draco, don't you?"

Harry beamed. "Yes. I love him. I won't even make fun of him for crying like that."

James laughed. "I won't make the same promise about Lucius."

"I can't believe you asked him for advice about me."

"Hey! Don't you know it is rude to listen in on other people's conversation?" James scolded.

"I didn't want to! It was Draco who insisted for us to listen behind the door... It's a Malfoy thing..."

James frowned. "I bet you didn't tell him otherwise, did you?"

Harry flushed. "Nope."

"Well, I guess it was better this way." James looked suddenly serious. "I was thinking... We should visit your mother's grave. Have you ever been there?"

"No." And Harry wondered why he hadn't asked anyone to take him there before. "I don't even know where she is buried."

"We'll go, then. I'll talk to Dumbledore."

"How long are we staying here?"

"I don't know. A week or two, perhaps. Are you in a hurry to leave? I thought you wanted us to know each other better."

Harry saw the insecurity in James' eyes, and the struggle he was going through not to show it. He smiled, happy to know that his father wanted his company so much.

"I do," Harry said. "It'll be great to spend some time with you. And dad..." Harry paused and James held his breath in expectation. "I don't hate you."

James smiled again, his heart filling up with happiness.

---------------------------

Draco entered the bathroom and threw water on his face so he could stop the stupid tears from falling. He was very upset for making such a scene in front of Harry and James. But nothing was worse than showing so many traces of weakness in front of his father. Lucius was still treating him weirdly nice, but Draco had no illusions that his father's sudden kindness to him would last for too long. He was afraid of going back to his father's room again. He knew Lucius would soon start to yell at him for crying like a baby.

Still, he couldn't stop crying. He couldn't stop thinking about how much his father must have been hurt by his grandfather. Now he knew the truth behind his Uncle's death, and why his father was like that. Draco felt like throwing up. How could Archibald do such a thing with his own children? How could he touch his children like that?

He fell down on his knees, his body shaking as he hugged himself. And to think that Archibald had intended to do with Draco the same thing he had done to Lucius and Caesar. Draco felt sick to his stomach, and he ran to the toilet and threw up.

It was bad enough that he was sick, and now he didn't even know what he had. He was tired of everything. He just wanted to lie down and sleep forever.

He heard a knock on the door and he cried harder. He hated himself for being so fragile.

"Draco! Open the door!" Lucius demanded with his harsh tone of voice. Draco smiled bitterly. There he was.

The door flew open and Lucius came in.

"Draco..." Draco didn't look up. "Stop crying and look at me."

Draco shook his head and Lucius knelt down beside him, taking him in his arms and leading him back into the room.

"I never thought you'd had such a breakdown if you knew the truth..." Lucius said, lying Draco on the bed.

Draco looked the other way, refusing to see the disgust in his father's eyes. Lucius took Draco's chin between his thumb and forefinger and stared into his red, swollen eyes. Draco was surprised to see only kindness in his father's blue eyes.

"Don't be a sissy, Draco. I'm fine now," said Lucius coldly, contradicting his eyes.

"I'm sorry..."

"Well, you only have to feel sorry for being so bloody stupid and going to Hogsmeade yesterday."

Draco swallowed hard before asking, "Why did he do those things to you? Why did he hurt you so much?"

Lucius flinched. He knew exactly who Draco was referring to, but it wasn't easy for him to talk about.

"I don't know. He enjoyed being the way he was. He enjoyed every torturous thing he inflicted on me and Caesar. He was just a sick bastard. I... You don't have to know about it, Draco. Just... Just rest, ok? You must be feeling awful. I heard you throwing up."

"I'm all right." But he was lying and Lucius knew it. Draco was even paler than usual. Lucius stroked Draco's face tenderly, and Draco's eyes flickered.

"You know... that I'd never do that to you, right? I wasn't always fair to you, but I'd never do to you what my father did to me. You know that, don't you?" Lucius asked, needing that answer as if his life depended on it.

Drac placed his hand on Lucius' and said, "I know."

"Good." Lucius stood up quickly before he started to cry again, ruining his reputation forever. "Just... rest."

"Father?" Draco called him softly.

"Yes?"

"You don't hate me, do you?"

"Of course not," Lucius answered, upset. "Don't be silly. I didn't raise you to breakdown like this."

"I... love you," Draco whispered, making Lucius' heartbeat stop. "I just wanted you to know."

There they were again: tears. Stupid, icy tears, threatening to fall down his cheeks like a flood. Lucius gulped, took a deep breath and just nodded. He knew Draco wanted to hear the same thing from his lips, but Lucius had enough for a day. Still, it was so amazing the way his heart seemed suddenly so alive again, just listening to his son's words. Draco loved him. He didn't hate him for treating him so badly all those years. That was a miracle, the best gift he could ever receive. If only Narcissa could see them... she wouldn't believe her eyes.

"And father?" Draco called him again.

"What?"

"Could you... stay here?"

He smiled feebly - the first honest smile in years - and nodded. It was the least he could do.

------------------------

Sirius was avoiding him and every time his eyes looked away from his, Remus' heart bled. He knew there was a risk that Sirius would do that to him, but the knowledge didn't diminish the pain he was feeling. He had had the most amazing night of his life with Sirius. They had made love in such a beautiful way. But what was left of it?

'Only excruciating pain,' Remus thought sadly.

Sirius had lied to him. He said he wouldn't hate Remus, but he did. Remus wouldn't give up just like that. No. They would talk even if Remus had to put a binding spell on him. After the Order's meeting was over, Remus followed Sirius to his room.

"Sirius!" he called up.

Sirius stopped, but he seemed quite annoyed by Remus' presence.

"You're running away from me," Remus said, hurt.

"I'm not!" Sirius objected. "There's too much going on right now. We don't have time to lose with..."

"Me?" Remus suggested bitterly.

"Lupin..."

"Lupin? Did you just call me Lupin?" Remus was shocked. "I can't believe you, Sirius!"

Sirius sighed, irritated. "We don't have time for this."

"And when will we have time? We have to talk about what happened last night!"

Sirius' eyes flickered. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Do you even remember what happened?" Remus asked, outraged.

Sirius moved his hands nervously. "Yes. But... Now is not the time."

Remus had never been so hurt in his entire life. Sirius couldn't treat him like that. They were best friends after all. He felt his anger rising, matching the werewolf's. He caught Sirius by his sleeve and they came face to face. Sirius didn't do a thing; he just stared at him with a shadow in his eyes that Remus couldn't define.

"Why are you doing this? You said to me that nothing would change!" Remus exclaimed.

Sirius looked down. "You don't understand."

"Make me!" Remus demanded. "We're friends, aren't we?"

"Please, Remus, not now."

Remus took him by the collar to make him see how irrational he was being, and that was the trigger that made Sirius snap. Sirius took Remus' hands off him and shoved him against the wall.

"You don't get it, do you?" Sirius seemed very disturbed. "I'm with Narcissa! Don't you realise what I did?"

"You should have thought of her before!"

"Yes, I know that!" Sirius shouted. "But I was delirious! I didn't know what I was doing, but you did!"

Remus' eyes flickered. "Don't blame this all on me!"

"You knew what you were doing. You knew I wasn't well!" Sirius accused.

"It was you who told me to throw caution out the window!"

"I'm a lunatic! Since when do you do as I say?"

Remus had never felt so lost. He'd never seen Sirius looking at him like that, like he hated him. He shook his head. It wasn't only his fault, was it? No. His only sin was loving too much, and being too naïve by thinking that everything would be all right between thm. Nothing would be all right anymore. Things would never be the same again. He had jeopardized their friendship over a silly dream.

He felt out of breath, and then he smiled bitterly, taking Sirius by surprise.

"I should've known..." Remus muttered to himself.

"Remus..."

Remus shook his head. "You're right, it was my fault. I was misled by my stupid need to be loved by you, but I was only kidding myself."

Sirius stopped breathing. "Why did you want to be loved by me?"

Remus laughed sullenly. "How can someone so smart like you be so blind?"

"I... What are you saying?" Sirius asked, confused.

"Go back to her, Sirius, and leave me alone."

It was Remus' turn to walk away. Sirius tried to stop him, but Remus pulled away from him fast.

"Don't touch me!" Remus shouted aggressively. "Don't you ever touch me again."

Remus left Sirius in the middle of the corridor, more confused and lost than ever. Sirius slid down the wall. He didn't want to shout with Remus or be cold to him, but he didn't know what to do. The previous night was just magical. But then the morning came, and guilt fell upon him. He loved Narcissa, but his heart had never been so confused in his whole life. He knew he loved Remus as well, and not just as a friend. He wished he could go after Remus, to beg for his forgiveness, but he couldn't move. He was paralysed by fear. Remus and Narcissa were mingling in his heart.

"Remus... Please, forgive me," he whispered, a single tear falling down.

-----------------------

Remus sat down on his bed, wishing he could die. He knew now what his mother had meant when she told him to be careful with what he wished for. He was feeling numb. He had no desire to cry, to talk, to eat or sleep. He just wished he could go back in time and stop himself from doing the most stupid thing of his life.

He felt a hand caressing his shoulder and he jumped from fright. It was Alex, staring at him with a weird look on his face. Remus didn't like his expression at all. Alex had never looked so dangerous.

"How did you get in?" Remus asked.

"Does it matter?" Alex got closer, and Remus took a step back. "You need me."

"I..."

"He hurt you, and now you need me. I don't care if you slept with Black, as long as you come back to me."

Remus' heart beat faster. "How do you know about that?"

"I can smell him on you. But I forgive you." Alex closed the distance between them and took Remus' hand in his. "I can make the pain go away, Remus. No one understands you more than I do. He will never understand you like I do. We're the same. To be honest with you, I never felt like this before, for anyone. You're so sweet, so naïve." Alex smiled, and his dark expression vanished. "I really like you. I won't hurt you like he did."

"Alex..." Remus was at a loss for words.

Alex kissed him hard on the lips. After last night, Remus didn't want Alex to touch him. It felt wrong in so many ways, like his body was now property of Sirius Black. But as he felt Alex' lips on his, he was possessed by the usual werewolf hunger that always came on to him when they were together. He couldn't control his need, and after the way Sirius had treated him, he didn't want to resist Alex.

Alex ripped his clothes apart, and Remus felt intoxicated, like he was under the influence of a strong spell. He sighed and moaned as Alex's tongue invaded his mouth.

"Alex..."

"Forget about him, Remus, and just surrender to me," Alex whispered in his ear.

Remus didn't understand anything anymore. He loved Sirius, but he couldn't resist Alex. At least Alex liked him, and he was there, at his disposal. Remus kissed Alex, trying desperately to forget about Sirius.

"I'll mark you as mine, Remus Lupin. You won't smell of him ever again," Alex muttered.

Remus caught a dangerous glimpse in Alex's eyes, but he soon forgot about it as Alex made him go wild.

------------------------

The Sanskrit cottage was completely silent when Harry entered the small kitchen to get a glass of water. He took a step forward and froze as he saw a silhouette sitting by the table. To his surprise, it was Draco, slowly licking a spoon full of chocolate ice-cream. Harry seemed to become hypnotised by the swirls of Draco's rosy tongue on the spoon, and little Harry twitched in anticipation. He moaned involuntarily, making Draco stop the sexy act and look up to face him.

Their eyes met, and Draco quickly looked away. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

Harry was taken aback by the defensive tone of voice, and he replied, "I was thirsty, your Majesty. I didn't know I needed your permission to come here." Draco made a face. Harry went on, "What about you? What's your excuse for having ice-cream at three in the morning?"

"Do I need your permission?" Draco asked softly.

Harry grimaced. "I wish." He drank a glass of water and sat down by Draco's side. "Did you wake up in a bad mood or have you suddenly realised you don't want to be with me anymore?"

Draco sighed, burying his spoon in the ice-cream. He mumbled something Harry didn't understand.

"What did you say?" Harry asked, coming closer.

"I said that I don't want you to make fun of me for my... nervous breakdown," Draco muttered, upset.

Harry dared to laugh, and Draco held the urge to drop his cup of ice-cream on the top of Harry's head.

"Sorry," Harry said as he chuckled softly. "I swear I wasn't laughing at you... Well, not really. I mean..."

"I got it, Potter," Draco said coldly.

"No! I mean, it's just that you looked so fragile this afternoon, and now you look like your old self again. It's kind of funny." Draco shot Harry an angry look and Harry said, "All right, it's not funny. In fact, when I look at you I feel no desire whatsoever to laugh." Draco rolled his eyes. "I just want to kiss you, and hold you, and protect you..." Draco raised an eyebrow. "It's really sexy to watch you licking your spoon like that."

"All right, just stop it. It's getting ridiculous."

"I'm serious! You're skilful with a spoon full of ice-cream. Actually, little Harry was quite glad for the sudden erotic display," Harry said playfully.

Draco smiled involuntarily. "You're so stupid, Harry."

Harry smiled back at him. "I know. I still wonder why you fell in love with me in the first place." Harry stole Draco's spoon from his hand and dipped it into the cup under Draco's outraged look. "Hmm... This is really good!" Draco shook his head, defeated. Harry laid the spoon on the table and stared at him seriously. "I know you don't want to talk to me about this afternoon, but I just want you to know that I would never make fun of you for expressing your feelings like that. I thought you were really brave."

Draco's eyes shimmered, but he smirked, "Brave? It was the most idiotic thing I've ever done."

"No, it wasn't." Harry took Draco's hand and squeezed it. "It just proved that you're human."

Draco sighed. "It's so weird."

"I know."

"And now we're all here. You, me, our fathers... It feels like this strange alternative universe."

"And you and your father were actually expressing your feelings better than me and my father. That was very strange," Harry joked.

Draco smiled feebly. "It really was."

"What happened between you and your father today only concerns you. I would never spoil it, Draco."

Draco bit his lip and nodded. "I know, Harry. I just..."

"I know. How are you feeling now?"

Draco shrugged. "I have no idea. Everything is so confusing. And now we don't even know what I have."

That was the reason why Harry couldn't sleep in the first place. There was a big chance that James was wrong about his assumptions, but if he wasn't... Harry couldn't even think about it. Draco looked sicker by the day. They had to find a cure for whatever he had, and fast. He'd been analysing every part of his conversation with Pansy, trying to find something between the lines, because he knew there was something in there.

"They're playing with us," Harry said absently.

"Who?" Draco asked.

"Pansy and the others. I think... I think Voldemort planned this whole thing, and he just told Goyle to tell you a lie about Amarulentus so we went looking in all the wrong places. And we were stupid enough to buy it, to believe in the enemy..." Harry fumed, and it suddenly hit him. "Pansy knows the truth. She knows you're not poisoned with Amarulentus. Don't you remember the way she talked to me? She had all these hints behind her words. And she said it isn't up to her whether you'll die or not. But the question is... what are they up to?"

Draco had a clue, but he was too scared to analyse it. He had been having strange dreams lately; dreams where he was being totally controlled by Voldemort. But he wouldn't tell that to Harry. He didn't want to worry him even more.

"I was thinking Draco... I think I'll try to do to Voldemort the same thing he has been doing to me. I'll try to sneak under his thoughts and discover what he's planning to do."

"NO!" Draco protested instantly. "It's too dangerous! You don't know how this link works. It could backfire, and then Voldemort would put you under the same stress he put you yesterday! I won't let you do this, Harry. It's too risky."

"But Draco... It might be our only chance!"

"No, Harry." Draco gripped Harry's hands. "I'm not important to this world, but you are. It won't matter if I die."

"Don't say that! You're important to me! If you die, I won't make it."

Draco smiled feebly. "You will. It's your destiny."

"Stop talking nonsense, Draco!" Harry exclaimed.

"My only fear is..." Draco gulped. "My only fear is to be used against you. I don't want that."

Harry held his breath. "Do you think... that Voldemort will use you against me?"

"He's already doing that, Harry. He knows about us, doesn't he?"

"No. I refuse to believe that. You would never hurt me."

"Wouldn't I?"

Harry's eyes flickered worriedly, but he shook his head. "Please, don't say those things."

"I just think you should be prepared, Harry," Draco said tiredly.

"Draco..."

Draco caressed Harry's face. "Just don't let him get to you, Harry."

Draco stood up to leave, but Harry held him tightly from behind. Draco closed his eyes and sighed, his hands resting on Harry's. Draco turned around after a while, and Harry kissed him. He could feel every fear and worry in Harry's kiss. He felt a pang in his body, but he made an effort not to let Harry notice. He didn't want Harry to know that he was falling apart slowly.

Harry rested his forehead on Draco's and said firmly, "I will never let go of you. I'll never give up on you."

Draco leaned his head on Harry's shoulder and sighed.

To Be Continued...