Nightfall

Night

Oooh, good... Just-- good. How I needed this.

Oh, I missed this feeling so much.... The warm water running over the skin can revive a man, I can assure you that. And I think Remus would agree. But he didn't need to insist so much on me having a shower. I would have asked him myself! Dear God, I can't stand even my own reflection when I pass in front of a mirror!

Oh, but now... I love water! Simple, warm, clean; wherever it flows you can see the pure below. And there is so much dirt to wash, all over me. The mud. The dust. The grass, the soil, the guilt, the fear, the despair, the loneliness. I am still not used to it.
But - I won't allow myself to relax. No, this isn't a matter of will, I just can't. I am not able to. Nothing more, nothing less.
I want home.
I want warmth.
I want people, I want friends, I need them, I want them to - push away the shadows, the shadows that I see, that I can see even here, here, now, even so - far from there, but I know that they are still here, waiting, just round the corner, near, near, ne-

I'm almost shaking. When I realize that, I have to bite back a laugh.

Silly. Childish. And slightly ironic, isn't it?
I've always been the protector, the strong one, the godfather, the friend you knew you could lean on. But often I was also the careless git, Mr. Man-with-a-Plan, wasn't I? But so funny. And oh-so-smart. Well, truth be told, I was secretly pleased - ok, point given, perhaps not so secretly - with those appreciations. Even the professors, while scolding me, couldn't help but smile. Fooling around had always been my specialty... I was quite proud of it, and wanted the world to know how great we were! I mean, some of our pranks were just masterpieces! And with the best of them, we even didn't get caught!! I don't know if anyone else would be able to do the same...
And I guess I was - "was". I don't like it - some fun to have around. If I wanted to amuse someone, I always managed to attain that goal. Who knows, perhaps I just needed to make the others laugh. "Do you think I'm brilliant? Well, you're right!" or something like that... Especially you, of all people. Your smiles were so rare, have you ever noticed it? But when you smiled, it could light up your whole face.
I loved your smiles. I miss them.

No.
It isn't so easy. I wish it were. I mean, well, it's good having best friends, laughing with them, plotting antics with them, all too perfectly normal. I was rather lucky, don't you think? No, no, no, it wasn't! It bloody wasn't!! Because it wasn't so normal to feel what I was feeling! You... you can't imagine what it was like... Hell, I wanted so badly to be near you as close as I could, I wanted to feel what your skin was like, which was your taste, if we really could fit as in my dreams. Hoo-hah, the dreams... that was the better part. I ended up using silencing spells during the night, frightened as I was that any of you could hear something. And you still call it "normal"...?

Geez, cold... I turn the tap until the water is no less than hot. The feeling of it running over my skin is so intense I can't even think straight. Oh, as if I wanted to. I don't want to think, I don't want to stop and think, I don't want to recall anything, I don't.
The soft sound of pouring water.
Obliviate. The word is soft on my tongue. Oh, no, no, please, don't give me that chance... I know which would be my choice.

Do you now that sometimes I almost hated you, back to Hogwarts?
Surely, even if you knew, you wouldn't have showed it! Oh, really, you were such an arse sometimes! No one ever knew what you thought. A mask. Always calm, collected and wry. It was almost impossible to hurt you... or, at least, to make you show it.

"Almost", I said... and we both know it pretty well.

For more than just one reason.

And I still don't know if you really forgave me, even if you said you did. I suppose I shouldn't blame you if you didn't, should I?
What was I trying to tell you, in the Shack?
Quite obviously I was acting upon my instincts. No wonder in this. What I'm really wondering... why? Why that way? I guess I was trying even with my presence, my body, to tell you I was finally back. Free. That I was still the boy you were used to know. A lie, matter-of-factly, but I didn't care, as long as you could feel comfortable again. But I guess I was wrong, because you stiffened in my arms, then.

I watch my hand under the flow of the water. Open. Close. Open. Close. I'm no more used to the human touch. But the more I understand this, the more I crave for it. My arms are empty, and they're aching.

I didn't understand, then, my own reaction. The warm spot ignited within me by that simple contact. I hoped I'd got ridden of those awful things long ago. And now I don't know how to act around you. It wasn't that difficult, before.

Time to turn the water off...
Reluctantly, I wrap myself in the first towel I can reach. As far as I'm concerned, I'd remain this way forever... Here, these things - hunger, thirst, cold - are needs I can handle. Concrete, stable, that can be easily remedied. If-
But I don't like to dwell on thoughts. Not like that, anyway. It's bloody depressing.

In front of the mirror, I can't help but flinch at the sight. Still, it's slightly better than before. Slightly.
I chuckle lightly at the thought of the expression Remus would wear if I stepped into the living room with nothing on but this towel... But the laughter turns bitter, because now probably he wouldn't be as amused as he would have been more than ten years ago.
With a short glance at the filthy thing that once was my robe, discarded in a corner of the room, I take the clothes Remus gave me and put them on.

Oh, the kitchen is empty... Well, no need to worry, this house is so small it won't take long to find him.

Come to think to it, what is really stunning is that, no matter how tense our relation became, every now and then I happen to recognize a word, a gesture, a behavior that connects you to my old dormmate... It's strangely refreshing to see. Almost soothing. Perhaps not everything is lost.

I open the door.