Nightfall

Nightfall

I think I hate you now.

I still can't believe it by myself. You always, always had that uncanny way of stunning me. Why did you do that to me, Sirius...?

I loved you, once, with all my heart. I knew you, all of you, once, as well. But--what happened, then...? Why did we change so much?

Well, I always knew I was different, and that's just stating the obvious. I thought it when I entered Hogwarts the first time. I believed it, when I met you guys. I blessed it, then.

And that was just because the way you - you, James, Peter, even Lily at times - always hung around me, even after discovering the truth, made me feel a new shade of 'different'. It drove me into a land where 'different' also meant 'bloody amazing', to say it your way. I loved you for thinking I was special. I almost believed it myself.

Then 'all of you' slowly became 'only you'. The simple 'Marauders' changed into 'you, with the Marauders'. Because you were so bright, Sirius, so brilliant, discovering your name was the same as a star didn't astonish me at all. I was grateful for your friendship, your closeness, for those glances - often amused, and amusing - meant solely for me.

I can feel a strange pain, now, so sharp, inside me. Why can't I keep myself from remembering...?

Those seven years spent at Hogwarts had been my shelter, and my cocoon. I was a part of you, a member of the pack, not only as a wolf but also as a human. Now, I still love them, as I still hate them.

Yes, I hate them, as I hate you, as I hate myself, for living this lie. I wasn't 'bloody amazing'. Nor was I 'so special'. I wasn't that way then, as I'm not now. I am just 'different'. And 'scaring'. And 'dangerous', too.

I discovered it first when I left from that nest - when I first really confronted with people, without either the soothing structure of the school or your presence around me.

Did you ever understand what it was like, being who I was, being what I was, in those times...? Surely not, but how could you have known? Perhaps I didn't understand that fully myself. So - we started doing this. Keeping wary. You felt I was changing, I know you did, but you just couldn't figure out how. So, as you always did when you couldn't put everything in place, whatever it was, you started panicking. And we were young, Sirius, we were so young, and those were such dark times, that I really should forgive you. And I did it, really, when we first saw each other again in the Shack. All became clear, all the mistakes, all the fears, and I found again the only brother I'd left.

But then I found also other - things. Sensations. Your reality, against my own body, and the words you muttered so softly in my ear, so softly that no one else heard them, awakened in me thoughts, dreams, that I'd hoped were lost forever.

And this is why I hate you now, Sirius, why I hate you so much. Because of all these feelings you gave me, all the time. Because then you still were trying to make me feel right, even when all I knew was I was wrong. And feeling a freak, not only in the body but even in the spirit, was too much to bear. But I'm to blame, as well, because I wanted to let you doing so.

I just wanted to be held, to feel tight, safe, protected, in the soothing circle of your arms.

"Oh, here you are!"

Your voice, real and confident.

"And wherever else...?"

My own, light, kind, teasing and distant as always. What a great actor.

As you enter the kitchen, you come directly to me. "Is everything all right...?"

"Yeah, sure!"

But you must have sensed that everything wasn't just 'all right', because your worried glance doesn't leave me.

There isn't simply worry there.

Why are you watching me this way? What would you tell me? I sense your look even before I see you. Your eyes are so deep, so confusing, there is a question, there, burning, praying for an answer that I can't give, while you won't put it into words.

We have been so distant, so far, and I missed you so much.

But how might we meet, if while all you want is to come back to the surface again, I desire so badly to drown in you?