Exile

Exile

~*~

Cold as the northern winds

in December mornings

I'm going to die here. I know I am.

I'll die hungry, cold, alone, and marked as a traitor.

And now more then ever I regret my foolish decisions.

I thought Remus had been the traitor, how much more naive could I have been? The only reason why I thought that was because there was still the underline of Remus being a werewolf. I'm an idiot.

I wrap the thin blanket provided around me and sit on the cold hard floor in my cell. There is a full moon out tonight.

Cold is the cry that rings

from this far and distant shore

Because of me they’re dead. My two best friends, Lily and James.

Lily, the fiery girl who had so much to offer to the world... Smart and stubborn, she never gave up. Not until Avada Kedavra stole her life from her.

And my best friend, no, more like my brother, James. Are friendship went deeper then words can describe. I would have died for you, Prongs, please forgive me.

Winter has come too late

too close beside me

Then there's Harry.

The innocent victim in my treachery. Who will be there to protect him? Not I. No, I'm stuck in Azkaban.

Who will be the one to tell him stories about his courageous parents? He needs to know, like every child, his past so he can look towards the future. So then he can be proud of what his parents did for him.

He'll never know the reason why Lily became good at charms, how she wouldn't admit the fact that she was bad at something so she tried until she excelled.

And he'll never understand why his loyal father died. Or the adventures he had at Hogwarts.

How can I chase away

all the tears deep inside of me?

Lily, James, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought that I was helping, but instead my stupidity killed you.

It should have been me! I should have died! But I convinced you to let Peter be the secret-keeper.

I pound my cold hands against the stone floor. I should have listened to you, Lily! You knew that Peter had been the Death Eater, the traitor, the rat in the pack. But none of us wanted to believe shy, innocent Peter could do such a crime.

Because of me you all suffered.

I'll wait the signs to come

I'll find a way

I have to do something.

I-I have to prove my innocence! I have to s how them that it was Peter! Then I can help Remus on a night like this, then together we'll raise your son as best as we can, James.

But the Dementors, I can feel them, Lily. I can feel the life being sucked out of me. I know I'm innocent, but I don't know how long I'll be able to keep that hope, that obsession.

I will wait the time to come

I'll find a way home

I know how Peter did it now. He faked his death. Stupid Fudge gave me that newspaper--what was it called again? The Daily Prophet? Thanks to him I will not have my revenge.

I’m eating less now; soon I'll be able to fit through the bars in my door.

I'm glad that you helped me become an Animagi, James, I wouldn't have been able to get through it if it wasn't for you and Remus.

As soon as I get out of here I'll find Harry, and then I'll search for that traitor.

Remember how the three of us laughed when Peter turned out to be a rat? How could we have thought that it was no big deal? That all it meant was that Peter was sneaky. Then again, back then Peter was sweet and innocent.

My light shall be the morn

and my path--the ocean

I'm leaving today, I'm ready. The Dementors--the Dementors they think that I'm fully insane now. For I've been transforming into a dog so they cannot feel my feelings so easily.

I'll be seeing Harry soon. I wonder if he looks like you, James. Maybe he'll look more like Lily.

Will he be smart? Or loyal? I wonder how defeating Voldemort has affected him.

Some--actually most of the prisoners curse him when they sleep. Almost all want to kill him. It makes me feel so horrible, James, Lily. I brought this on him when I as good as killed you two.

My guide, the morning starts

As I sail home to you

The water is freezing. My paws are already cold and tired.

But I've escaped! I did it, Lily, James! I did the impossible. I'm free!

I've remembered so many wonderful things. Like when James fainted while you were having Harry, Lily. Poor James! Hopefully that bump knocked some sense into you, James, eh?

I feel almost like myself again. Except wiser. I've been to hell. And I survived. All because of you two, Harry and Remus.

I'll wait the signs to come

I'll find a way

I can see England again. It's morning right now and the ground is damp. A slightly thick fog blankets are homeland.

I'm close to Godric's Hollow, I had to come here and you two know it. I never got to pay my respects to you.

I will wait the time to come

I'll find a way home

They know that Sirius Black has escaped. But they don't know that he's walking through their street right now.

I'm heading to the graveyard. I don't know if I can make it. I really don't know.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done, James.

But I can't keep on pretending you're alive. I wish you were but you aren't.

Who then can warm my soul?

Who can quell my passion?

No one's here. Good. I'm going to turn into a human then.

Oh god! No! It can't be true! I knew you two were dead! But this is different. Seeing your grave is different. Seeing really is believing.

Some insane part of me wanted to believe Lily and James were alive.

My best friend since I was little and his wonderful wife are gone. Never to grace are earth with their presence again.

There are other graves. I recognize most of the names on the tombstones, but instead of staying I transform back into a dog. Sitting in front of Lily's and James's grave I'm still as a statue.

Out of these dreams--a host

I will sail home to you.

Goodbye, Lily. Goodbye, James.