Between the Lines

---

Chapter Four - I Cannot Hold You Long Enough

On Your Shore
Enya

Strange how my heart beats
To find myself upon your shore
Strange how I still feel
My loss of comfort gone before.

Cool waves wash over
And drift away with the dreams of youth
So time is stolen
I cannot hold you long enough

And so
This is where I should be now
Days and nights falling by

Days and nights falling by me
I know of a dream I should be holding
Days and nights falling by
Days and nights falling by me.

Soft blue horizons
Reach far into my childhood days
As you are rising
To bring me my forgotten ways

Strange how I falter
To find I'm standing in deep water
Strange how my heart beats
To find I'm standing on your shore.

---

Sirius ran a nervous hand through his cropped hair as he walked the remaining few yards to the Academy's main classroom building. The directions Albus had given him were flawless, except that now that he was here, he had no idea where to find Remus.

It was only about three in the afternoon, and in addition, he was a day early. Unable to wait until he had travelled there as Padfoot, Sirius had cheated and Apparated short distances several times on the journey. He glanced up at the large building, a four-storied edifice with three wings jutting out from a central tower, and swallowed. Remus was in there somewhere.

He stopped a passing student, deciding that it would be more efficient to ask. "Excuse me, I'm looking for Professor Remus Lupin. Can you tell me where to find him?" When the student did not respond right away, Sirius worried that perhaps he was already recognised. He flashed a charming smile and explained, "I'm his cousin Sam...."

"Uh... Yeah. Sure. He's in office hours. This way...." The student, a rather gangly fellow with blond hair, recovered himself and led Sirius up into the arch of the central tower. He opened a heavy oak door and gestured for "Sam" to go inside. Remus had accurately described the halls: they were long, white, and unadorned by anything resembling ambience. To one side stretched a line of windows; doors pocked the other side of the corridor.

They walked along, Sirius glancing up and around and finally back on the swinging flannel shirt tails of the student, who had tied the shirt's arms around his waist, until they reached a recessed door which was marked "DADA." Sirius's fingers itched to start mapping the place for Moony.

The student halted and turned to face his charge. "Here," he said, and without further ceremony, he ducked back down the corridor, making his escape as soon as possible.

"Thanks so much!" Sirius called to the retreating form. Then, focusing on the door, and what he anticipated finding behind it, he took a deep breath, let it out, and knocked.

Remus's clear voice sounded muffled through the thick door, but none the less pleasant or welcoming. "Come in!"

Feeling inexplicably playful, Sirius threw open the door with a triumphant grin. "Hullo, 'Cousin!' I've come to see where you ended up this time!" Crossing to Remus's impressive desk quickly, he bowed slightly and whispered urgently, "'Sam Lupin,' at your service."

Remus blinked in confusion and surprise, but recovered quickly. "S-sam, you're early!" He said brightly, rising from his chair to bestow "Sam" with a brotherly hug. Their embrace lasted a bit too long to be described as platonic, but since it had been several months, and there was no one else around to notice, Remus felt it a risk worth taking.

As they broke apart, a little reluctantly, Sirius shrugged broadly. "I got here faster than I thought I would. You're not disappointed, are you?" He added with a wide grin and an accompanying wink.

Remus smiled back and went to the door. "No, not at all, just surprised." He shut the door and turned back, and when he did, his whole demeanour changed. Sirius had just enough time to see precisely how much Remus didn't mind, before the other came toward him in a rush, closing his arms around him and devouring his lips. "Mm..." Remus groaned as he kissed him again. "A whole extra evening...." He lapped at Sirius's teeth with his tongue.

"Mmmm... I am glad, love." Sirius brushed a finger over Remus's forehead, pulling back from their kisses to take a good look at his lover. "Gods, you're real...."

Remus reassured him with an affectionate squeeze. "Silly puppy." He bestowed a final peck dead centre on Sirius's nose, but then sighed even as he rested his head on the wizard's shoulder. "I have to finish this up.... I've got one more-"

But he was interrupted by a knock. Sirius grimaced. "Okay, okay I know... You always were the responsible Marauder!"

From outside the office, a girl's voice called tentatively. "Professor Lupin?"

Even more reluctantly, Sirius slowly loosened his grip around Remus's waist. Remus smoothed his robes self-consciously and opened the door to reveal a pleasant-looking young woman of about sixteen. "Hullo, Lucy," he said amiably. "Come in, please. Excuse me one moment, will you?" He continued, conveying her to the chair opposite his desk and beckoning Sirius into the hall with him. He closed the door on Lucy and favoured Sirius with a rueful smile. "Sorry," he said briefly.

Sirius nodded, aware that he had made the situation awkward by arriving ahead of schedule, but a little envious of Lucy for usurping his privileges. "S'all right. I'll just see what trouble I can get into, shan't I?" He asked with a wicked grin.

Remus narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips mockingly. "I'm not sure I should let you out of my sight, but, yes. Give me an hour?"

"One hour, 'Cuz,'" Sirius held up a finger to make it a firm commitment, stressing the familial relationship mischievously.

Remus smiled, simply thrilled to have Sirius so close again. "Just don't get me fired, okay?" He asked with good humour.

"Who, me?" Sirius asked, looking too innocent for any good to come of it.

"Grr... out, 'Sam.'" Remus growled mockingly, pushing Sirius down the corridor an inch. With a mischievous grin, Sirius backed away and then turned to commence exploring.

He was back exactly an hour later, and Remus suggested they walk across to his little house for the short while they had before dinner. They walked together in companionable silence, both thirsting for the moment when they would be safely alone again. Remus led Sirius up the single step onto the front porch, drew out his key, and opened the door. He took a step or two inside, feeling Sirius follow. In that instant, he was ridiculously reminded of an old comic strip he'd seen in a Muggle paper, about a young boy who believed his stuffed tiger was real. In the strip, the boy would come home from day school, only to be bowled over by his exuberant tiger companion.

His impression wasn't far off the mark, for he heard Sirius shut the door and turn the lock behind him, to be followed very closely by mock growling noises. Remus turned to face his lover, realising dimly that some of the growling and heavy breathing he heard came from his own throat. A second later, he pressed Sirius to the door, and they were licking and kissing and tasting each other freely for the first time in months.

"Gods, Moony," Sirius gasped as Remus slammed him against the door and began nibbling his way down the wizard's neck.

"Mm?" Remus asked, distracted by his lover's flesh under his nose and tongue.

"Oh, don't stop! Keep doing that!" Sirius told him, letting his hands wander freely over Remus's back and buttocks.

"You didn't...want to...join the staff for dinner," Remus asked between kisses, putting his hands beneath Sirius's robes to lift them out of the way. He nipped at the smooth skin of his lover's chest once the robe came off. "Did you?" He asked, barely able to think about anything else but Sirius.

"Shouldn't I... Oh!... Meet your colleagues...? I... Yes, keep doing that!... I mean if I'm to play your... ohhhh.... cousin? Oh...." Sirius panted and gasped under his partner's capable assault. He moaned in appreciative pleasure as Remus stripped his own robe quickly and pulled Sirius into the furnished sitting room to the right of the door.

"Yes." He guided Sirius to a stuffed chair and knelt in front of him, unzipping the man's jeans fly. "Probably." He leaned his face against Sirius's crotch, sniffing the visceral scent that could be no one but his Padfoot. "Later." He licked the skin of Sirius' abdomen, right where the dark, prickly hair became thick.

"Later..." Sirius repeated, though Remus could not tell whether it was a question or an agreement.

To answer, Remus nipped the fold of skin where thigh met crotch. "Later," he confirmed.

Half an hour later, to be exact, Sirius was putting his robes back on after one of the best blow jobs of his life. He wanted to reciprocate, but Remus insisted that they would be late for dinner if they didn't get themselves cleaned up, and that there would be plenty of time to pleasure each other further after the meal. With their faces washed and only a slight flush to their cheeks, they arrived at the dining hall just as the students were taking their places.

The hall was a huge, multifaceted room with round tables that stood in loose rows. Remus brought Sirius to the far end of the hall, where several tables filled with adults. As they crossed the noisy room, Sirius muttered to himself under his breath, "Sam. My name is Sam."

They neared a table where only two teachers were seated: one male, the other female. Remus greeted them cordially and they returned the salutation. Ever polite, Remus introduced each one in turn to his companion.

"Marius Gorman, my cousin Sam Lupin. Marius teaches Charms." They shook hands. "And this is Claire LeTrec. Potions."

Claire smiled prettily and Sirius instinctively released his charm. He bowed slightly. "Miss Claire," he said formally.

"Hello, Sam. Remus, you didn't tell us you were expecting a guest." If Remus hadn't described her as such a normally warm and affectionate person, her manner could have been taken for flirting.

"Well, Sam was due in tomorrow, but I guess the journey was shorter than I remembered it when I told him how to get here." Remus explained, watching the interplay between Claire and Sirius with amusement.

"Well, please, join us," Marius said amiably. They took seats, Sirius placing himself between Claire and Remus. He had not missed her pleasure when Remus approached.

"Thank you," he said as he pulled his chair in. "I travel quite a bit so I wasn't sure what my schedule was going to be like," he embellished, beginning to enjoy his role.

"Oh? What do you do?" Claire asked immediately.

Sirius opened his mouth to answer, but then closed it again, thinking of an answer. He glanced at Remus for a second, but Remus simply cocked his head at him. It was a clear expression that told Sirius that he'd gotten himself into this, so he had to get himself out of it.

He had just begun an answer when Remus decided to save him. Their comments overlapped.

"Sam's a Quidditch recruiter," Remus said, and,

"I dabble in a little of this and a little of that. Currently I'm a representative for an organisation that works with the wizarding sporting community," continued Sirius, only half hearing what Remus had said. To cover, he looked at Remus and smiled apologetically. "Well, Remus, I wouldn't say I recruit, exactly...."

But it was too late. Marius Gorman had already latched on to Remus's explanation. "We've got some great players, Mr. Lupin. Do you play?" The room began to quiet in anticipation of the meal.

"Not for years," said Sirius, not disguising his disappointment at the fact. "Not since I was in school."

Claire brought the subject back to a different aspect of his work. "It must be fun to get to travel so much... I don't think I've ever been out of Canada, really."

Sirius chuckled flirtatiously, relieved that she had steered the conversation to safer ground. "Well, I do get to see a bit of the world, Claire."

At that point, Marius looked up and grimaced. "Look sharp," he muttered to the other three. "Potts."

Sirius raised his eyebrows at Remus. "Potts?" He asked, confused. But the answer immediately became clear as another teacher stalked up to the table, taking the seat to the other side of Marius. He was fair, not particularly handsome, but his grey eyes seemed to pick out every detail. He looked nothing like the sallow, dark-haired Severus Snape, but something in his demeanour immediately reminded Sirius of the surly Hogwarts Potions Master.

Remus answered him anyway, confirming the suspicion. "Severus for Herbology," he muttered under his breath.

"Herbology?" Sirius asked, incredulous, but Remus kicked him under the table as Potts pulled up his chair.

"Marius, has Tyfus increased the staff again without telling us?" He asked by way of acknowledging Sirius. Sirius's hackles rose immediately, but out of respect for Remus, he said nothing.

Marius chuckled a bit nervously. "No, no, nothing of the sort, Caractacus," he spread his napkin as the meal appeared on their table. "This is Remus's cousin, Sam, here to visit," he explained.

"Nice to meet you," Sirius chirped, sounding much more generous than he felt.

But his polite overture was met with only a dark scowl. "Hmph. Not a close relation, I take it?" Caractacus Potts asked gruffly. Something in his voice suggested the tone of a challenge, though whether he meant to attack their contrasting looks or Remus's lycanthropy, Sirius couldn't tell. Either way, he didn't like it.

"Close enough," he said evenly, holding Potts' gaze with his eyes. "Second or third cousin, I believe, isn't it? Rem?" He continued, his tone forcibly bright.

"I never can keep it straight," Remus conceded with a sidelong, warning glance at Sirius. It wasn't clear to anyone else, he hoped, but to Remus, Sirius looked like he might launch himself over the table at any moment.

"Caractacus, Sam recruits for Quidditch," Claire jumped in, hoping to lighten the mood and inadvertently perpetuating Remus's version over Sirius's own.

"And?" Potts snarled, as if confused as to the significance of Claire's attempt. Again, Sirius felt the challenge from nowhere emanate out of the Herbology professor.

"Well, it's a living," he said with a light shrug. He dearly wanted to know why this teacher had taken such an instant dislike to him, but he suspected it was nothing personal, just this man's unpleasant way.

Remus jumped in to avoid an all-out war between the two men. "Sam's on his way through to visit the Moose Jaw headquarters and dropped by to see me."

Sirius picked up the cue. "It's not often Remus and I get the chance to catch up."

Potts narrowed his eyes cruelly. "Won't get much of a chance this weekend, will you?" He asked tactlessly.

Sirius responded immediately, determined not to let this distasteful man upset him. "Oh, I'm sure we'll work it in. Besides, I like to make sure my favourite cousin is well cared for on his 'off' time..."

Claire flushed with embarrassment on Remus's behalf, Sirius was sure, and also jumped in to ease the tension. "Well, Remus won't be taking classes tomorrow, will you?"

"No, I've got proctors to give the students their mid-term exams, so there should be plenty of time," Remus told her, cutting off any other remark from Caractacus Potts. "That reminds me: Marius, is everything set for the carpet tomorrow?" Though Ty Nordstrom was the deputy Headmaster, and thus responsible for authorising transport, the Charms professor was unofficially in charge of maintaining the transportation pool.

Marius blinked, a bit surprised that Remus brought it up, but went on with the tactic, noting that it had shut Potts up, at least. "Yes, of course. Everything is in order."

Claire gasped appreciatively. "Going to go sightseeing? Sounds lovely. Are you sure you'll be up to it?"

Sirius leaned over for the salt, taking the opportunity to whisper to Remus. "Oh, I'll make sure of that." To the table at large, he announced, "I'll be real careful with him."

Remus kicked Sirius again lightly to make him stop, afraid the man's antics would make him blush. "Yes, I'm sure it will be fine," he assured Claire.

But she was not to be put off immediately. "When can I bring you your potion, Remus?" She asked, clearly worried that if they left the grounds, he would not have his minimum dosage.

Remus answered, but looked at Sirius as he spoke. "I think I'll get it from you after dinner, tonight, and then, perhaps before we leave in the morning?"

Claire nodded appreciatively. "Of course. Well, you know where to find me." She paused while she cut up her potato, then flashed an invitational look at 'Sam.' "Perhaps Sam would like to see the lab as well?" She asked invitingly.

Sirius smiled his most gracious smile. "Certainly, Miss Claire," he said formally. "I should love to see where you work."

They ate the rest of the meal in comparatively pleasant conversation, only Potts refusing to join in the spirit. More and more Sirius thought of one of his least favourite people in the world: Snape. It did nothing to make him want to draw out the meal. He had come here to see Remus, not be reminded of his old adversary.

They rose after the meal, and with a minimum of policing the students, were soon free to accompany Claire to her lab. Remus had carefully avoided dessert, as the potion would react adversely to any sugar, and he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so he and Sirius could be alone.

They walked across the grounds and into the main classroom building. Sirius noticed that in the company of the two teachers, the building seemed to bend itself to make the journey direct and short. His wandering around earlier in the day had resulted only in his getting turned around about five times, but here was the lab, neat as a pin and as full of light as Snape's dungeon was dank and shadowy.

Remus sat and sipped at his smoking potion while Sirius made pleasant small talk with Claire.

"Are you away from home most of the time, Mr. Lupin?" She asked him while she made up the ingredients packets for her youngest students' mid-term exams.

"Yes, Miss Claire. It gets more and more difficult to leave my cottage. But, well, we all make sacrifices for our work, don't we?"

Claire glanced over at Remus before answering. "Yes, we do," she said in a conciliatory voice. "Your family must miss you, though," she said artlessly enough, but Sirius caught her meaning clearly. She was fishing, he realised with amusement. He decided to give her a bite.

"Yes, they do," he told her, taking the time for his own sidelong look at Remus, who gave him a warning look before taking another sip. "But it's that much better when I get a chance to see them," Sirius continued. An inspiration struck him. "And my... son is away at school now," he continued, watching for her reaction.

Remus looked up sharply at the statement, but then smiled secretively and went back to his foul potion.

Claire on the other hand did not conceal her surprise. "Oh! Well...it's certainly kind of you to spend time with your cousin, as well. How old is your son?"

"Sixteen. Smart enough. Has his mother's eyes. And Remus and I practically grew up together. More like really good friends," he said with a slight twitch to his mouth.

"You hardly look old enough to have a sixteen year old, Mr. Lupin," Claire complimented him gracefully. "Your wife must be a very lucky woman."

"Well, I think so, but then I am biased, now, aren't I?" He grinned at her in a very friendly manner. They both looked over at Remus then, owing to the coughing that came from his direction. Remus pointed to the potion and grimaced, but then went back to drinking it dutifully. "Actually, I'm the lucky one," Sirius said pointedly. "I know it. She is the best thing in my life."

Claire sighed. "Oh... that's so sweet. I can see that you and Remus are related. You're both such considerate men. That's rare." She smiled up at him.

"We were raised right," Sirius agreed.

Remus drained off the last of his potion quickly. "Well, that's done. Thanks very much, Claire. I don't wish to keep you any longer..." he trailed off.

"Yes, and I've had a rather long day of travel," Sirius supplied.

"Oh, it's quite all right, Remus," Claire said to him. "Especially when I have two such handsome men for company, I don't mind being in the lab late at all." She winked playfully, then grew more solemn. "But I know you want to catch up together. Please, don't mind me."

They took their leave quickly, Sirius assuring her that they'd meet again, and Remus confirming a final dose in the morning.

As they stepped into the air, Remus cuffed Sirius playfully. "Scamp," he admonished.

"Oh, stop. You love it," Sirius said smugly. "So, how'd I do?"

"I'd say you made a fine impression. Did you see her reaction when you mentioned Harry?" Remus shook his head sympathetically. "Poor girl. I think you broke her heart, all in the space of two hours."

"I did notice that." Sirius grinned. "I also saw your reaction...."

"What?" Remus asked defensively. "I wasn't prepared, that's all."

Sirius scoffed. "Broke her heart, nothing. Moony, she's got a crush on you."

They stood on the porch while Remus unlocked his little house. "A crush on...." He repeated incredulously. Then, shaking his head, he concluded, "You're joking."

"Nope. Trust me, I can tell," Sirius insisted, watching Remus as he locked the door behind them and turned on the lights.

"Of course she doesn't," Remus said self-deprecatingly.

"Of course nothing! She really likes you," Sirius told his lover, who could be terribly dense about these things at times. They went through the hall to the stairs and up.

"Claire's a very caring, open, unspoiled young woman. She's that way with nearly everyone. It's just her way. Like you're just insufferably charming," he finished, leading his beloved to the bedroom, and turning to face him, standing very close together.

"Uh-huh," Sirius answered, still dubious, but letting it go in favour of a more important discussion. "C'mere," he demanded, pulling Remus's arms around him and closing in for a deep kiss. "I've been wanting this all day."

They locked on each other, their tongues meeting and darting about each other's mouths. "Oh, yessss," hissed Remus, letting Sirius lead him to the bed. Sirius found his opportunity to return the favours he received that afternoon, and more.

Moony got his morning dose of potion from Claire alone, leaving Sirius to enjoy his coffee and plan their day. Sirius explored the house on his own, discovering the little things Remus had done to make the place more his. A single photo of James, Lily, and a smiling baby Harry stood on the mantle in the sitting room. Remus had stocked the pantry with some of his favourites: crunchy peanut butter, a jar of olives, some caramels, a box of cereal. Sirius went to the kitchen, where he replenished his coffee and noted that the tea towel had come from Owl Nook. Though he wasn't hungry, he opened the tiny icebox anyway, and that's when he saw the list.

Sirius had said in a previous letter that he flatly refused to acknowledge being called by pet names associated with food. He hated "food" names. It seemed so trite to him, so belittling. Even James had noticed him cringe whenever James called Lily "sugarplum," which James only used sarcastically. He knew that Remus respected that, reserving the right to only use a "food" name in the direst of Sirius's black moods. Yet here was incontrovertible proof that Remus took a perverse pleasure out of thinking up names that would set Sirius off, or else that he feared he would slip one day. His neat lettering proclaimed across the top of the stationery: "Remember not to call Sirius:" and then followed a lengthy list of wide variety. The usual suspects were there, of course, "honey" and "sugar" and "cupcake," along with a large number of sweets. But there were others that Sirius found frankly disturbing. Did people actually call each other "cabbage," even if it was in French? Still, he couldn't suppress a wide grin when he realised it meant Moony was thinking of him constantly. Shaking his head at his lover's very warped sense of humour, he helped himself to parchment and Spellotape.

When Remus returned, Sirius was at the dining table. He had a rough sketch of the grounds laid out on several pieces of parchment, Spellotaped together.

"For your map," he explained. He didn't mention the list.

They talked for much of the day, about Harry, about life, about the school and Remus's students, conversations punctuated by constant touching, kissing, licking, tasting one another hungrily. At length they walked across the grounds to where Marius stored the carpets. Again, the school bent itself to Remus's will, so the journey was direct.

"It's a charm," Remus explained, "so that teachers can always find what they're looking for. But it does make wandering about difficult. Little in the way of discovery," he commented, sounding disappointed.

Remus signed out the carpet and they walked with it between them until they were far enough away from school grounds to unfurl it. Then Sirius climbed on, excitement and anticipation permeating his scent. "C'mon, Moony!" He bounced on his knees, the carpet responding to his exuberance by cushioning him. "Let's go!" He grabbed Remus by the arm and pulled him up onto the carpet while Remus laughed.

It took Sirius mere seconds to remember how to control the carpet's flight. He leaned into the wind, still on his knees, eager for adventure. Remus remembered a time they went to a Muggle amusement park in Blackpool, and Sirius had to take him on every single roller coaster-ten of them-twice before he would let them leave. Remus loved the thrill rides as well, but he could never get quite so excited about them as Sirius. James had been his equal in that, and by the end of the day, he remembered, it was James and Sirius whom they had to coax out of the park. But that was Sirius. If it went fast, if it flew, flipped, bumped, fell, tumbled, corkscrewed, rolled, pitched, or in any way made one feel as if one's stomach could not possibly lurch any harder, he absolutely loved it.

They reached the mountain ridge just as the sun dipped along the horizon at less than one quarter its width. It was bright orange, bathing the western side of the mountains with light, turning them to purple shadows on the eastern edge. Sirius landed the carpet and Remus slid off thankfully, for when the wolf ran high in his blood, he hated to be away from the ground. He sniffed the air appraisingly, casting a glance to the east, where the moon already hung several degrees above the skyline.

"Change, Padfoot," Remus growled, feeling his own shift begin. The potion didn't ease the pain; only the disorientation, the loss of conscious thought, the dominance of the wolf's instincts over his man's conscience was suppressed by the Wolfsbane. He could feel his internal organs begin to metamorphose. His heart rate climbed; his limbs stretched and cracked and grew powerful. His breathing quickened. His spine doubled over as he stretched his hands toward the ground. With the part of his brain that remained human, he looked over at his mate, who had instinctively followed orders and become Padfoot, instantly, effortlessly, painlessly. Moony snarled. Padfoot felt no pain with his transformations; they came or went at will, not dictated by the tides. He snapped his lengthening jaw, a rage passing through him that he pushed deep into his bowels as he remembered that this was Padfoot, whom he loved, not a random human worthy only of becoming dinner. But even before he could suppress his impulse, his angry snapping changed to painful barking: his bones grew even while he exercised them. His hands became rounder, the thumbs receding up onto his forelegs, and claws sprang out from fingers transformed into paw pads. He felt his tailbone pop out and lengthen, extending his spine toward its cartilaginous tip. Hair grew from every pore of his skin, until his coat emerged, thick and shaggy, a brown and grey-streaked blanket over his flesh. His tendons stretched and twisted into place around his new flesh. He screamed in pain, and halfway through the scream turned to a howl, one which Padfoot answered gratefully.

Moony shook himself from head to tail, stretching as one would after a long nap. Although the potion allowed him to restrain the violence of the werewolf, some lupine instincts still found their way to the surface, and he approached the large black dog before him in a challenging posture. Padfoot whined, dropping to his belly and ducking his head to acknowledge Moony's dominance. Moony padded forward until he could press his snout into the soft fur of Padfoot's neck. He rubbed his jaw against the curve of Padfoot's head, marking him with the friendly gesture. Padfoot in turn twisted under his alpha, bestowing a loving nip to Moony's shoulder. They wrestled playfully for a moment or two, their paws buffeting one another while they exchanged gentle swats and bites. Then Moony clamped his jaw on the thick flesh of Padfoot's neck and Padfoot fell still. Moony picked up a scent, and giving the wolf a little rein, he took off in that direction. Padfoot wriggled to his feet and loped after.

They ran; they played; they found a spring and drank; they played more, hunting each other in a mock battle. They avoided a polar bear. They found a clearing where Moony howled freely, his cries of joy mingling with Padfoot's exaltations. They wrestled again, this time finding more intimate targets for their animal forms to caress. They mated under the stars.

As the moon travelled in the sky and began to drop, they found their way back to the magic carpet. Once back, they stayed nearby, aware that the night was fading and Moony would soon return to his human form. Padfoot rested a paw on his alpha's belly as they lay, content to be together, waiting for dawn.

When it came, Moony's reverse transformation was, as always, almost as painful. His limbs retracted here, elongated there, the fur coat receded rapidly back into his skin, leaving him with his usual layered and greying hair-perhaps a little more grey than before. His pulse slowed back to human normal, if a little hyperactive from the pain. His head ached; his muscles complained at the slightest movement. Padfoot nudged him nervously with his nose and paws, comforting in dog form until the transformation was completed. Then, silent as thinking, he changed back to Sirius and kissed Remus gently on the lips.

"Home?" Remus whispered pitifully.

"Soon," Sirius promised him. "Can you make it onto the carpet?" He helped Remus to stand and walk the few paces to the carpet, which he spelled to life as they approached. Positioning it just where Remus could lie down without difficulty, he eased his lover onto the buoyant surface. Sirius circled the carpet himself and climbed on slowly, careful not to jostle his passenger any more than necessary. Remus watched him through eyes half-closed with fatigue.

"Sleep, love," Sirius said to him, soothing the pain with his voice. "I'll get us back safely. I promise you a smooth ride," he continued, stroking the other man's hair as he spoke.

"Mm..." Remus whimpered under his partner's tender touch. "O...kay..." He barely articulated, already drifting into a much-needed rest.

Sirius guided the carpet back with as few changes in altitude or speed as he could. He wanted to get home quickly, get Remus back into a real bed, fix him tea, watch over him as he slept. It was the same when they woke the first day after their first full moon together: Moony's straightforward need awoke in Sirius a capability he had begun to doubt in himself. But when Moony needed him, as when Harry needed him, he forced himself to function, and it helped. More than that. For so many weeks it was Remus who cared for him, down to cleaning him up after horrible nightmares, and did so without any fuss, as naturally as making breakfast. That Moony would allow him to play caretaker, after all his neediness and insecurity, was in some ways better therapy than a hundred days of playing fetch. The carpet sped toward the Academy, and Remus's cosy little house on its grounds.

**

25 October, 1995

Moony
Under the Petname list (Moony's Ice Box)
Commonwealth Academy of Magic
Manitoba, Canada

My Moony,

You're asleep in the bed beside me, and the morning sun is making the world bright beyond your curtained windows. Last night was the full moon, and I cannot... Damn. It seems I am at a loss for words, my heart is so full. Canada *is* beautiful. The mountains are all you said they'd be, and more. And I got to run with you, my heart. You, the wilderness, the full moon, and all the stars in the sky. I can think of nothing more magical.

I am so very happy, my love. And this scares me a lot. It makes me nervous. I think you understand this feeling. What is the term? "Waiting for the other shoe to drop"? It seems even now, knowing that nothing threatens us *here* I am tensed for an attack. Will we *ever* come out from under this pall? Will we ever be easy in our bits of happiness? I fear the answer will always be 'no.' I am afraid something will happen to take this away from me. From *us*.

I can no longer make reckless promises. I can no longer be easy and complacent in my life and what I expect from it. I've lost so much... I have no sacred spaces left to me but you, Moony, and even that I fear can be torn from me. There is such darkness, such fear. I do not know if I will ever know myself completely again. I do not know if I even wish to.

But ENOUGH of such thoughts! I fear I have strayed from my path. This was meant to be a love letter, not this drabble. It seems I cannot even manage a simple love note.

I know the full moon is over. I know I must go back to fight and fight and fight in this war I fear will never end. When you wake, my pack mate, we will learn each other again, in the light of day. You may choose to chronicle the new scars that adorn my body. Or, if last night proved too tiring, I will be content to lie here with you wrapped in my arms.

When I finish this letter, I will put it somewhere inconspicuous, but somewhere you will find it after I've gone. Perhaps I will affix it under the list hanging on the ice box door. You know the one I mean; the list of pet names. "Remember not to call Sirius (add as necessary):" indeed! Hmmm... I may have to make an exception for "Honey" but I had to laugh at some of these, love. "Cupcake," "creampuff," "sugar," "peaches?" What is it about me that makes you think of dessert foods? Should I be flattered or disturbed? And I will add "pumpkin" and "sugarbutt" to the list now... "Saltlick?" That's rather... suggestive (it begs the question "pet name, or action request?"). I dare you to say that to my face and *not* laugh! Good thing you won't get this note until I am gone from you again, or you might actually do it! Ahh, you are starting to stir beside me... I shall have to close this now. I love you, my wolf. You are my heart.

Padfoot

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TBC...