Between the Lines

Chapter Three - Tangled Inside You

Paths of Desire
October Project

I have traveled the paths of desire
Gathering flowers and carrying fire
Raising a grave to the reasons behind me
Looking for strength as you live to remind me
I am drawn to you
I am caught in you

I am the fly who dreams of the spider
The path to the web becomes deeper and wider
I dream of the silk that is tangled inside you
And know that I want to be somewhere beside you
I'm drawn to you
I'm caught in you

In your eyes all of the promises,
All the lies
Will you keep all of the promises
In your eyes?

I am crossing the bridges of sorrow
Empty with yearning and full of tomorrow
The river is high and the bridges are burning
I know I've been hurt but I keep on returning
I'm drawn to you
I'm caught in you

In your eyes, all of the promises,
All the lies
Will you keep all of the promises
In your eyes?

I have traveled the paths of desire
Following smoke and remembering fire
The night is falling, the path is receding,
I don't need to see it to know where it's leading

In your eyes, all of the promises,
All the lies.
Will you keep all of the promises
In your eyes?

---

Professor Remus J. Lupin,
Commonwealth Academy of Magic
Manitoba, Canada

4 October, 1995

My dearest R,

Happy Birthday, love. I am thinking of you today. I had thought when we renewed our relationship that I would be with you today. We really only had one birthday together before everything fell apart. Those last six weeks before James... I don't think I will go there.

I have this fantasy... But enough. Perhaps I am not in the proper frame of mind for this. I shall try again later. I will say only this: You are my heart, my life, my wolf.

(Later- 7 October)

I am hiding out near Hogsmeade. Hedwig found me here with your letter. I shan't go "off on a tirade," love. I learned that lesson all too well. I don't recall all I wrote in my last post to you, but I do recall I was in a temper when I wrote it. I am meeting with Dumbledore in a bit. He's kept me close for two weeks, now. I've only managed to catch glimpses of Harry while the team practices. He's a natural flyer, our Harry. If anything, he looks more at home on a broomstick than he does on the ground. He would be able to fly rings around me on my best day. He'd give even James a run for his money, I think. I long to be a family with him- and you. I am so glad you let me tell him about us last summer. He didn't seem at all surprised. You'd know better, love, is he always so self-contained? It worries me. I know he has good friends, and a lot of Lily's natural reserve, but I wish he'd be a little more forthcoming. Especially when things bother him. About his studies, I have no worries our Miss Granger is keeping after him on that front. His letters are peppered with references to her badgering them into extra revision sessions. Who am I to be giving out revising advice, anyway? That was more your place, love. I was always good at getting us into trouble.

I'd best go keep my meeting. I'll write more when I've got a few moments. One last thought before I stop- I know why you did it, and you should be pleased that it worked, but if you ever call me 'Muffin' I shan't speak to you ever again. Call me puppy, pet, love, sweet- hell, Moony, you can even call me Rover- but pet names having to do with food are definitely out!

Later-

Moony! I saw Harry! Dumbledore met me at Hagrid's and took me to his office. He was there waiting for us! Oh, my sweet - it was the best thing for this lonely old heart. I held him in my arms. Only for a moment, but he was here. In the circle of my arms. What a gift that was. I find myself holding on tightly to the gifts in my life. I am so thankful I can count you among them, love.

Listen to me! Going on and on about such silly things. I've been rereading this and I think I must stop before I embarrass myself more.

Much later- (14 October, 1995)

R,

I still haven't sent this. I know, I know, but I've been busy. And I haven't found an owl I trust, so I may have to wait until Hedwig shows up again. It's not like I can go to the Post and just pick one out. Being wanted and all. I stopped by the Nook and found your latest letter. Mrs. Harkness is doing a bang up job taking care of the place. The "see no magic" charm you placed on the perimeter is still working like- well, a charm. I know, I can hear you groaning now, that was a terrible not-pun.

Reading through your last letter- I like the description of the Academy. Although it hurts me to think that you'll be in a cellar- make that *were* in a cellar. The first full moon since you've been gone from me. I *knew* I would hate being apart from you during the full moon, and I do. I hate it more than anything. Damn it. We're supposed to run together under the stars, love.

The playdisc. Thank you. You always know what will be just right- what I need the most. I think I missed music the most next to you while I was away. Twelve years of no music. That was one of the hardest things to get used to. The quiet that comes with no melody, no timpani, no perfect mesh of emotion and sentiment. It was difficult to get used to rhythms again. I mean besides the rhythm of my own heartbeat. I'd curl up on the pallet in my cell and listen to the thump, thump, thump of my heart, and the sense memory of a pounding bass line would find me sometimes. Mainly when I was Padfoot- for that was when the Dementors would leave me alone the most. When I escaped- The first weeks- I shied away from anything that sparked memories of music. I'd remember dancing. Moving with you in my arms. It is still difficult sometimes, but it gets easier, a little, every day.

And yes, I know you have "crossed over" to the side of the teachers! Do you have any students worthy of being called marauders? Have you made a map, yet? I think I remember the charms we used... Perhaps when I see you we should do a bit of drafting, what do you say? Never say you'd turn in the badge, Moony. Remember you are a Marauder forever. Isn't that what we vowed? Magical mischief makers until the very end? And while our mischief is on a bit more serious scale than it was in our Hogwarts days, we'll still give the Dark Arts hell, won't we? For Prongs?

And yes, we'll be sure to call you home if you're needed. I'm off again for Dumbledore. I shall try to time my mission so I can see you. I *want* you to catalogue my new scars- that sounds rather delightful, albeit in a morbid way. I've healed up rather nicely, by the way. Hopefully I will see you before the next full moon. If possible I will stay, and we will be able to run together that night. You say the mountains are near enough to Apparate to? I know your heart is big enough- but is your hearth for one rather worn out dog star?

I best close this letter now, or I shall continue it until I arrive, hungry, wet, and cold on your doorstep.

Soon, my love, we'll howl together under the clear Canadian sky. I long to be a pack with you again.

Your Padfoot

Postscript: Ah, here is Hedwig now, bearing gifts from our young friends. I will trust this into her keeping.

---

Sirius untied Harry's note from Hedwig's leg and invited her to drink a bit of water while he read it. He sat on the ground in the garden, barely noticing as the owl scratched at the earth nearby. Harry was doing well, from the sound of things. It was just possible, Sirius hoped, that Harry might even be able to get up the courage to go on a date this year, if nothing else distracted him. His letter as usual was full of Quidditch, classes (doing well in DADA, Charms, and Care of Magical Creatures with Hagrid; Divination was a joke to him and Ron; and Potions, with Snape, was as always a trial), and hopes that Sirius and Remus were both well. Given the years he'd had at Hogwarts already, a term without anyone plotting his death seemed like a miracle.

Sirius had barely begun to enjoy his southern vacation when Harry alerted him to possible problems last year. As he sat in the sun, reading the boy's overall mundane note, he was reminded of the communication between them then; his godson's need for protection, and his own long year spent in hiding nearby. That of course, had led inexorably to Voldemort's return, something they should have seen coming, Sirius admonished himself, though how exactly they could have known, he didn't think to examine. And upon that night in June, when Harry faced his worst enemy and lived through an ordeal even Sirius could only imagine, on that night Dumbledore had effectively ordered Sirius to go to Remus for help.

Had the headmaster known what he was doing? Sirius and Remus had only been a couple for eighteen months when Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow on Halloween, 1981. Could Dumbledore have known then, or found out later, that Sirius had been romantically involved with his werewolf classmate? Did he realise, even after all that time, that they needed to be together again?

Sirius wouldn't have put it past the greatest wizard of the twentieth century to push them back together and hope for the best. It was just the sort of romantic thing Dumbledore professed to like in novels and operettas. Certainly, the old wizard's first visit to Owl Nook, as Remus explained it, suggested that Dumbledore suspected at the least. Sirius gazed out over the garden, thinking about that summer, and how Remus helped him begin to heal. It had all started, he recalled clearly, with a simple game of fetch. Remus made a crack that first night about needing a watchdog, so in his first weeks at Owl Nook, Sirius used to oblige while Remus gardened.

He watched Remus in dog form, keeping an eye out for pixies, gnomes, and the occasional rabbit. Every once in a while Remus looked up from his weeding to reassure himself the big black dog was still there. Sometimes Padfoot was watching him intently, head on his forepaws, and at other times he was gazing off into the distance, head raised, panting and sniffing the air. Sirius had been home for nearly two weeks, and slowly they'd been getting used to each other again.

In fact, Sirius spent most of his time watching Remus. His eyes followed Moony obsessively. He couldn't stop it, didn't want to stop it. He had spent a lot of the last two years avoiding people, only corresponding with Harry or Dumbledore. He had not contacted Remus at all, unable to bring himself to ask the questions that lurked in his heart. [Do you still love me? Do you still want me? Can you ever really forgive me?]

The questions remained unasked, and unanswered. Mentally and emotionally, Sirius knew, he was a complete mess. He put on a strong front for Harry. He was capable enough for Dumbledore's purposes, but when it came to anything he felt remotely vulnerable about, he shut down. The bigger the vulnerability, the faster he retreated, sometimes all the way to Padfoot if he couldn't stop himself in time.

The first time Remus laid his hand on Sirius's back when he wasn't expecting it, both had been shocked at the instantaneous reaction. Sirius had whirled around, eyes ablaze with fear and fury, and then he'd transformed, hackles raised, backing himself into a corner growling. Remus had immediately knelt, but did nothing else until Padfoot made overtures several minutes later, trembling, confused, and embarrassed.

But that day, when Remus paused in his gardening to stretch his back and clapped his hands together to brush off the worst of the dirt, Padfoot was immediately on his feet, intelligent sparkle shining in his eyes. He let go of the worst fears, in this form. He wanted to play.

"Feeling good, are you?" Remus asked quietly.

Padfoot wagged his tail and whined a little, deep in his throat. Remus reached out and stroked the dog's big black warm head, scratching him a little behind the ears.

"Well, you're a good puppy. What do you want to do?" Remus chuckled a little to himself at the excited way Padfoot laid a half chewed stick at his feet and stared at him, expectantly.

"So. Shall I throw this, then?" At Padfoot's small yip he bent and picked up the stick. In the old days, Padfoot would be barking his fool head off until the stick was airborne. Remus hated some of the changes in his friend even as he accepted them as inevitable.

"Go get it, boy!" He called as he tossed the stick. The repeated rhythm of throw, run, retrieve felt natural after the first couple of repetitions, and Remus enjoyed the way Padfoot still moved with an easy grace. This man, this wizard had been his lover, and if all went well, would be again. Remus loved him whatever skin he wore.

All too soon Padfoot was tired, and dropped the stick one last time. Panting, and tail held low, he moved toward the house. Remus followed and let them both into the kitchen. Padfoot went straight for the sitting room to lie down on the rug before the fireplace. Remus paused only to scrub the dirt from his hands before joining him at the hearth. He lit the fire that was laid there and patted the dog on the head. Padfoot rolled over, his head nestled in Remus's lap. Using long, calming strokes Remus rubbed his hands down Padfoot's body. His hands lazily pet Padfoot's neck and belly. They sat there for a long time, the dog's eyes half-closed in pleasure. After nearly an hour of rhythmic, hypnotic petting, Padfoot transformed, and Sirius was lying under Remus's hands. Not wanting to startle Sirius, Remus continued the calm strokes, noticing that for the first time since he'd come home, Sirius was aroused.

"Magic." Sirius whispered, drowsily. Remus was a little startled, and he wasn't sure he'd heard correctly. Then with trembling hands, Sirius caught his hand mid-stroke, kissed the palm quickly, stood, and left the room.

In just two short days, it became habit. Remus would putter about in his garden and yard while Padfoot watched from a sunny patch of grass. Whenever Remus decided he had done enough for the day, he'd stand up and brush off his hands, and Padfoot would be instantly alert, on his feet, stick in mouth, tail wagging.

Remus would then play "fetch" with Padfoot, until his Animagus friend tired. Then they'd go inside, Remus would wash his hands, and they'd sit together in front of the fire. Padfoot would end up with his head in Remus's lap with Remus's hands gently patting soothing strokes down his body. They'd sit there until Padfoot transformed. Sirius would inevitably be aroused, but he made no mention of it and Remus did not push. He would sit there and stroke Sirius's skin and hair for as long as Sirius would allow it. Remus would let his hands wander, skimming lightly over face and neck, down Sirius's shoulder, along his side. Or he'd stroke tenderly down his chest tracing his ribs to pat the fine, soft, black hairs on his belly. It was soothing for both, and it was reminiscent of times long past.

For Sirius, this time was like a dream. It was a good dream, not the half remembered nightmares and the darkness that lurked in his mind. For so long his body was not his own. For so long he couldn't control his reactions, had no say over what happened to him or when. For so long he'd had only one choice- live or die. He'd chosen to live. He'd been conditioned to react instinctively, and was trying now to learn how to be human again. Sirius was horrified the first time he'd followed his instincts and turned on Remus. When he came back to himself he was ashamed that he'd snarled and growled at Moony.

When he slept, it was the same: his body's reactions were beyond his control. While he was traveling, he slept as Padfoot, wary of anything that moved in the darkness beyond his hiding place. The nightmares didn't find him as often in this form. It was only when he slept as himself that the nightmares came. They left violence and pain in their wake. He'd had a safe place, the summer before, where he could let the nightmares find him. He'd wake, trembling, covered with sweat and tears and urine and blood. It was frightening, his body not his to control. He couldn't do anything but accept them, acknowledge them. Let them and the other events of this past year play over and over again in his mind. Some part of him knew that he needed the dreams. Needed to purge the horror of the last thirteen years of his life. Then he'd come back to England when Harry needed him. It was a long year for him. Long and stressful. He spent most of his time as Padfoot, scrounging for food, stealing papers to keep up with the news. Harry and his friends sent him food every once in a while, but they couldn't do it often in case their owl was followed.

After the horrific events of the Triwizard Tournament, Dumbledore ordered him to "lay low" with Remus. He wouldn't have come otherwise, but the order, however gently given, was still an order. So he came, ready to be turned away, unsure of his welcome. Instead Remus had taken him in and cared for him. It was awkward, at first. It was still awkward sometimes. But it got better. Every day, Sirius got a little better, and could cope with a little more.

He worried that Remus was offended when, that first morning, he found Padfoot curled up outside his door. But instead, Remus started leaving his bedroom door open at night, and each day when he awoke, Padfoot was closer to him. Now sleeping on the threshold, now inside the door, now on top of Remus's slippers. Sirius knew he probably shouldn't, but couldn't help it. He craved the closeness, the scent. On the morning after Padfoot ventured onto the bed, settling his warm weight beside Remus, Remus woke with a soft prayer of thanks, which Padfoot heard in his sleep despite Remus's almost silent whisper. That was the first morning Sirius felt comfortable enough to transform while still in Remus's presence instead of slinking off to the guest room. It was a small victory, but each step forward was a milestone for Sirius. He'd been alone and on edge for so long, it was an obvious effort for him to talk sometimes.

The first time Remus asked him what he wanted in his eggs, he froze. He couldn't think of a thing to say. So he said, "Anything." Remus suggested onions, knowing Sirius hated onions, and Sirius didn't complain. Then Remus got mad, but Sirius could tell he wasn't really mad. It became a joke to them. A comfortable exchange. "What do you want in your eggs?" "Not onions." And they'd smile, and maybe chuckle a little. Comfortable. Something to fill in the spaces. Something *normal.* Something expected. Something a little... fun.

Then one day, he had prodded Remus into throwing a stick for him to fetch. He let the memory cycle again, relishing the feelings it brought. It wasn't something he planned on. He just felt so good lying in the sun that he let go of all the worries that made him Sirius and contented himself with being a dog for a little while. The game tired him out, and he wanted nothing more then to lie down in front of the fire. To his joy, Remus joined him. Patted him. Soothed him. And for the first time in fourteen years someone touched his body with gentleness and caring. He transformed then, and the hands didn't go away. He was very near tears when he finally had to retreat. It felt so good, and he knew Moony would have noticed his erection in his jeans; could smell his arousal easily. But Remus hadn't said anything, and so neither did Sirius. It was the first time he'd been aroused in years, and it felt so damn *good*, but Sirius was afraid that if he acknowledged it, Remus wouldn't want to touch him anymore. And then the next day they did it all over again. And the next. It felt so wonderful, and while he knew it probably was incredibly manipulative and needy, he wanted it, he wanted Remus, but he wouldn't go any further, he wouldn't cross that line.

And so, they kept on, and Sirius kept feeling good, and his body responded to pleasure instead of fear. It was strange, and at the same time familiar. Remus's hands on him recalled other times, happier times, when they were together and James and Lily were alive (and Peter was a trusted friend). His body tightened involuntarily at the thoughts that rose unbidden, and he worked on consciously relaxing back into memory.

So there they were, a week after the first game of fetch, Remus weeding or watering or doing *something* to the plants in the garden, and Sirius, who had started his sunbath as a bare-chested man, was now sniffing about the yard as a dog, content to sit in the sun, follow bugs through the grass with his nose, lying now with his paws in the air, now wiggling around, scratching his back deliciously against the rough ground. When Remus was finished, Padfoot would get to play.

Padfoot had just retrieved the stick for the third time, Remus calling out encouragement, when he was startled by a low chuckle behind him. Whirling about, he came face to face with Albus Dumbledore. Remus blushed before he could think, embarrassed that Albus had caught them playing like children, and then reconsidered, knowing Albus would understand.

"Albus. I... We weren't expecting you." Remus crossed to where the older wizard stood.

Sirius had stopped halfway through his lope back to Remus and transformed, surprised, stick still firmly clenched in his teeth. Spitting it out, and wiping his mouth, he stared at them for a few moments, an odd expression on his face- equal parts dismay, resignation, and acceptance- before taking a deep breath and joining them. He knew Remus could tell he was embarrassed, but he still tried to hide it.

"I had a moment, and was in the area. I didn't mean to interrupt your game." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled merrily, pleased at what he saw. Sirius looked healthier, more rested, less haunted. Yes, sending Sirius here had been the best thing for him, *and* for Remus. Albus knew that Sirius had spent the last two years doing what was necessary to survive. He hadn't really spent the time he needed to heal the way he ought, but that couldn't be helped. At the time, keeping him alive was more important. If things had worked out differently, if Sirius had been cleared of his wrongful conviction and imprisonment, he would have had all the time he needed working with the therapists at St. Mungos. As it was, the best Albus could do was send him where he was wanted most; the first chance he got, he did.

"Please, come in. Would you like some tea?" Remus tried to pull the attention off Sirius, knowing that he'd be longing to retreat, and only Albus' presence kept him there, standing a little bit apart from them. Sirius lingered back a bit before following them into the kitchen.

Settled at the table, Albus watched as Remus moved about the kitchen with ease, putting on the teakettle, taking down the pot and cups, retrieving tea leaves, sweetener, and lemon. Throughout all this, Sirius hovered near the doorway, glancing outside now and then as if he'd like to escape.

Sirius really hoped Albus wasn't here to send him off on business for the Order. He was finally starting to feel safe. Finally starting to relax. Finally starting to think maybe Remus still wanted him as a friend, and maybe as a lover, too. Remus and Albus spoke of small things, normal things. Sirius let his attention drift.

"Sirius... Sirius?" Remus was staring at him a little worriedly. It was then he realised Remus had been trying to get his attention for several moments. "Are you all right?"

Sirius swayed forward a little, drawn in by the obvious concern and caring he saw in Remus's eyes. Then his gaze shuttered and he stepped back, removing himself physically and emotionally. Turning quickly, he left the house casting one apologetic glance over his shoulder at Remus before transforming and taking off at a dead run away from the cottage. Remus sighed and turned back to Albus, who had watched it all without speaking.

"I'm sorry. He's... I'm sorry."

"It's all right, Remus. Perhaps I shouldn't have come quite yet. Part of why I came was to see him with my own eyes. You're doing a marvelous job with him, you know."

"Thank you." Remus said as he poured the tea and served it. They sat for a moment before Remus began talking, telling Albus all his worries regarding his houseguest. There were flashes of the 'old' Sirius, he explained. Flashes that convinced Remus that his friend and lover was still there, buried deeply behind the mental and emotional barriers he'd erected to survive Azkaban. *Twelve years.* Nobody survived in the wizard prison for that long without losing his mind. It was a testament to Sirius's inner strength. To his spirit, that he could survive and function, but Remus suspected they had a very long way to go.

"I'm so afraid I'll push him too hard, but it worries me that he won't talk about it. About anything. I know he's not used to talking, and not used to touching, and not used to staying human... I don't know what I'm doing." He finally admitted the fear that, perhaps, he was doing his friend more harm than good.

"Remus, look at me. You know a lot of this Sirius has to do on his own. I can't even begin to understand what he's been through. No one can, there hasn't ever been anyone who has survived what he has. No one knows what twelve years in constant close proximity to Dementors will do to a wizard, Animagus or no. That he is still capable of *play* shows me that he is stronger than I realised. Keep doing what you're doing. I may be able to arrange for him to see Harry later this summer. Every time they see each other it does them both a world of good." Albus leaned back, the smile coming back into his eyes. "Now. I have some business to talk about with you, Remus."

Several hours after Albus left, Sirius had still not come home. Remus was starting to worry when the door opened quietly, and shut. Remus listened as Sirius slowly made his way up the stairs, the heaviness of his tread bespeaking his exhaustion, and went into the room Remus had settled him into that first night.

A few minutes passed before Remus followed, afraid of what he'd find. He peeked in and saw Sirius stretched out on the guest bed, still wearing his jeans and nothing else. His arm was thrown over his eyes, and tension was obvious in every line of his body.

"Sirius? Pup?" Remus approached the bed carefully.

"I'm sorry." Sirius's voice was thick with the tears he tried to hold back.

"For what, love?" Remus sat slowly on the side of the bed, getting Sirius used to the weight beside him. He didn't know how far this setback went. Or what guise this one would take.

"For... running out. I... I didn't want ... I didn't mean..."

"Shhh. None of that. I know. Albus merely came to see how you were doing."

"That's all? You're sure?" The relief was pathetically obvious in Sirius's voice.

Remus sighed. Yes, they had a long way to go. "Well, he also came to talk to me." He admitted reluctantly. "But it's nothing bad. And we can talk about it tomorrow. Now. Are you hungry?"

Sirius shook his head, mouthing the word "No."

"Then, why don't you come to bed?" Remus laid a tentative hand on Sirius's stomach, tracing gentle circles on his warm skin. Sirius tensed a moment, before relaxing, taut body going pliant beneath Remus's fingers.

"I was so scared, Moony. I was so scared he came to tell me I had to leave. Don't make me go. Please Moony, don't make me go." Sirius was whimpering then, as he curled in to Remus, as small as possible, his hands grasping at Remus's waist. Soon, the werewolf held the shaking body of his one-time lover in his lap.

Disturbed at this newest development, Remus fought to calm Sirius. At the same time, he was pleased Sirius had articulated the fears to him, *and* he hadn't retreated into dog form. This was something he'd include in his next progress report to Albus. Carefully he coaxed Sirius across the hall and into bed, and then settled in beside him. Hours later, he woke with Padfoot's head resting on his belly. Stroking the soft fur of Padfoot's head, Remus went back to sleep.

The next morning Sirius sat drinking coffee in the sunny kitchen after their breakfast together as Remus gazed at him steadily. Sensing the signs of the conversation Remus had put off the night before Sirius braced himself for whatever was to come.

"When we... fought, that last time, I came here to get away," Remus told him. Sirius almost interrupted, but Remus raised a hand to forestall him. He had spent some time the night before, waiting for Padfoot to come home, thinking up exactly what he was going to say. "I couldn't stand by and watch you throw everything away, but I knew I couldn't stop you, either. So I left. By the time I was ready to find out what happened... it was all over. And all I had left was the confusion... the guilt of not taking a stand."

Sirius stared at Remus uncomprehendingly for a moment. His mouth worked as he groped for something to say. When he found words, they were weak. "I'm sorry."

"No, I understand it, now. But I learned a valuable lesson, Sirius."

"Lesson?"

Remus nodded. "That this conflict really does involve every one of us, even if we're not on the front lines. That win or lose, to act is better than not to act."

"Mmm-hmm." Sirius nodded a little, not understanding where this revelation of Remus's was going.

Remus sighed. "Albus wasn't here to see you, Sirius." Sirius nodded again, Remus had said as much the night before. "At least, not directly. Though he was interested in how you're doing... but... he had a number of propositions to make."

"What kind of propositions?" Sirius asked, warily.

"Well... first, he's looking for some places to set up as safe houses for the Order... Places where wizards can convalesce, when things start to get rougher."

"That's a good idea." Sirius's tone was noncommittal. He still wasn't sure where Remus was going with this.

"Yes... he wanted me to think about whether I'd be willing to offer Owl Nook."

"Offer..." Sirius paused, surprised. "Isn't it already? I mean with me..." He said with a self-depreciating smile.

Remus smiled wryly, understanding Sirius's tone. "You're... a special case."

"Oh?" Sirius sounded gratified. "I suppose I am at that... escapee that I am and all." His tone went slightly bitter at the last, and Remus took note and gentled his voice.

"No, I mean, you could have come here sooner, before Dumbledore asked you to..."

"Oh." Sirius studied his empty cup, unable to look up into Remus's face.

Remus cleared his throat, covering the awkward moment. "Anyway, one wizard is different from many."

"Many?" Sirius couldn't hide the surprise.

"Potentially."

"Owl Nook isn't that big, Remus." Sirius said with some confusion.

"Actually, he's thinking of buying back the Park."

"The Park?" Sirius echoed, feeling foolish and one step behind. "But..."

"The Park." Remus cut him off. "The Nook would be the headquarters, but he wants to set up the Park as a miniature Mungo's." Remus paused. "But... only if we agree."

"We?" Sirius's voice was sharper then he'd intended, but he was shocked that his opinion even entered into the picture.

"Well... yes." Remus blinked a bit at the vehemence in Sirius's tone. "You live here, too."

"I do?"

Remus sighed tiredly, and offered a small, sad smile. "Yes." He paused before speaking, as if to a small child. "Sirius, this is your home as long as you wish it."

"Home..." Sirius paused, his eyes shut with relief. "Thank you."

"Yes. Home." Remus bit his lip. "Whether... whether I'm here or not."

"Not here?" Sirius's body went suddenly quiet and still, his eyes unfocused.

"Er... that was the second proposal Albus had. He's a bit concerned that either the Ministry or the Death Eaters will look for me, trying to find you... and I guess there is something else about needing to make contacts in other places..." Remus waved a hand as if this wasn't important and continued. "Anyway, he's had a letter from a colleague of his in Canada. Seems they need a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher this year and..."

Sirius looked at him with alarm. "Canada!?!"

"I haven't made any decision, yet. It's a one year appointment only--they have a teacher going out on sabbatical--if I decide to accept, I must tell them by the end of July. Harry's birthday."

"But..." Sirius was upset, but he thought about the offer seriously for a moment. Slowly he said, "this is a really good chance for you, isn't it? Teaching again..."

"Well, it could be. I don't know. The point is," Remus smiled gently at him, a little embarrassed. "I can't live off my savings much longer. And when that's gone...I only have so many bottles of wine from the estate in the cellar. Eventually, I'll have to stop selling them. But I'm not certain it's the right time to leave, despite the risk of contact. What do you think?"

"I have the whole of my savings, but I can't get to it very easily... Eventually Dumbledore will have work for me to do, too- won't he?" Sirius checked Remus's reaction before continuing. "Although what I'll be doing won't have a salary attached, I'm sure." Sirius was quiet for a moment, torn between wanting to be unreasonable and immediately say 'no,' and seeing this as something really good for his friend. It was precisely because their relationship was so tenuous at the moment that Sirius realized he didn't really have a say in this decision at all. It wasn't as if he and Remus were even lovers. Hoping to stall, and trying to force away the black panic that he could feel waiting to engulf him he pled with Remus. "Can you think about it for a while? It's... rather sudden... I... I still can't..."

Remus seemed to sense that facing this decision was too much for Sirius right now. "Yes, we have a little time. A couple weeks. But then we'd still have another month after that."

Sirius smiled weakly at Remus. "A whole month..."

"Yes..." Remus paused, groping for a new subject. "So... the moon will be full in three days." He smiled suddenly. "Did I ever tell you about trying to make the forest mine as a boy?"

Grabbing gratefully at the change of subject, Sirius looked up with interest. "No."

Remus laughed. "Well, you remember I was really young when I received the bite.... usually children that young don't even survive.... but of course the changes made things very difficult, even when I was just a cub. I guess I was about five...it was less than a year after being bitten... I would get up several times a night to.... mark my bedroom." He blushed as he related the tale.

Sirius chuckled a little warily. "Your Mum must have loved that!"

"She wasn't impressed, to say the least." Remus agreed with understatement.

"I can just imagine!" Sirius's eyes held a faraway look, thinking on the uproar that would have caused.

"Well, of course, my father carefully explained that those things were Not Done in the house.... so...."

"The forest became 'yours'?" Sirius's face crinkled up in wary merriment at the mental images Remus planted.

Remus smiled and nodded, liking that Sirius could anticipate the simple story so eagerly. "I would take very long expeditions around the forest--during the day, of course--and there were certain trees.... I didn't really break the habit until I came to Hogwarts."

"The Forbidden Forest never became 'yours,' eh?" Sirius was enjoying this story, perhaps a little too much, a little too desperately.

"Oh... I wouldn't say that... but then I started learning about wards and more normal methods of marking territory. And I couldn't very well go out during classes to explore." Remus said. "It was very tempting, though, our first night in Gryffindor Tower... I decided you'd all smell it and think I'd wet the bed."

Sirius laughed again. "James wouldn't have said anything. He wouldn't have wanted to shame you, neither would I... But Peter..." The smile was gone now.

Remus fought to keep the light mood. Sirius had been laughing and joking with him. He wanted that Sirius back. "Yes, but I didn't know that then, did I? Anyway, I kept myself from doing it, and then... we got so busy being educated." He shrugged expansively, holding his arms out from his body, inviting Sirius to take a good look. "And thus I became the adjusted, desirable individual you see before you."

Sirius's eyes closed halfway with sudden desire. "Mmm..." He nearly purred before he caught himself and coughed to cover, embarrassed. "Yes."

Remus smiled smugly to himself, before changing the subject and saving his friend. Yes, he could still turn Sirius on. That was good to know. "Ready for a walk?"

Taking the obvious out Remus provided, Sirius said, "Yes... A walk sounds good. Will you be gardening this afternoon?" Remus could hear the carefully suppressed hope in his neutral sounding voice. He smiled. So Sirius wanted to do a little gardening and maybe play afterwards...

"Mm.. well, I think it's about due for de-gnoming, don't you?" Remus said, noncommittally.

"Ah... Yes, they have rather taken over, haven't they?"

"Indeed..." Remus glanced at Sirius as if sizing him up. "I rather think that watchdog of mine has been doing more watching than working." Sirius caught his breath as Remus winked at him. Remus actually *winked* at him?

Off balance, Sirius replied. "I suppose he has, at that." Shyly, he continued. "Perhaps you'll give him another chance, eh?"

"Well...." Remus tried to keep his voice stern, but finally relented. "I suppose. I mean, if my parents didn't chuck me out for pissing on a Queen Anne chest of drawers, I can keep Padfoot around a little while longer, can't I?" He was rewarded when Sirius chuckled a little.

"Everyone deserves another chance." Sirius's smile faded and his eyes became haunted again. "I'm glad."

Noting the flash of the Sirius he'd known and loved so many years ago was gone, Remus stifled a sigh. Gently, he reached out. "I said it before, Sirius. This is your home, as long as you want it to be."

"I'm glad. I don't know what I would have..." Sirius's voice was hoarse. Quickly, he cleared his throat and changed the subject. "Where are we going today?"

Remus was frustrated with the quicksilver mood changes of his former lover, but at the same time Albus Dumbledore's words came back to him: "I can't even begin to understand what he's been through. No one can, there hasn't ever been anyone who has survived what he has. No one knows what twelve years in constant close proximity to Dementors will do to a wizard..." Time. Sirius needed time to heal. Time to be where he was protected and safe. With luck, Owl Nook would be his sanctuary, and Remus would do nearly anything to make sure Sirius had all the time he needed here. Allowing the change of subject, Remus tabled any other more serious concerns. "Well, if you want meat for supper, we should probably go down to the Crossing...."

Yes, that was the beginning of where they were now. Owl Nook did become a sanctuary for Sirius, yet it was empty and lonely without his packmate. Moony was in Canada.

Canada. Sirius broke from his reverie, remembering Dumbledore's latest mission. He was to go to Canada himself, which would enable him to get in that visit he'd been longing for. A smile forming on his lips, he stood up and invited Hedwig inside while he added a post script to his letter for Remus.

---

21 October, 1995

Dear S,

I hope this reaches you before you get here-I see by your hastily added scribble that you're probably on your way here already. I'm sending Hedwig as she'll be able to find you en route. I hope that whatever state you arrive in, you are not too hungry, nor wet, nor cold, and especially not wounded, but you know I'd gladly take you in regardless.

It wasn't too bad, love. I don't want you to worry on that account. As I said, I put a rug and some other things down there, lit a fire before the moon rose, and was quite comfortable, all things considered. One thing seemed odd, though, but I can't quite place the problem. Claire brought my potion over by floo late that afternoon, but she seemed reluctant to go after I drank it down. By the way, hers tastes every bit as vile as when Snape prepared it, so you lose that bet. He didn't make it disgusting on purpose. Anyway, it seemed strange that she didn't wish to leave me to it by myself. It's not that I didn't enjoy the company, but... well, best not to take chances. She said something like that herself: that she hoped she had executed it correctly. I thought perhaps she was worried it wouldn't work properly. But if that were the case, shouldn't she have been better off to see me safely shut in the cellar, rather than risk being there when I transformed? I said as much to her, and it seemed to do the trick. She was off again to her own quarters, though she did make sure the nurse, Madam Coultice, checked in on me in the morning.

In any case, as transformations go, it really could have been much worse. I can't tell you how happy I am that you expect to be here for the next one.

The mountains. I got a chance to go there with Professor Gorman just the other day. Yes, one can Apparate there, but it is a bit of a stretch, and I'm not sure whether I'll be up to it that close to the full moon. But the school has several cars and even an old carpet or two (they're legal here). Do you still remember how to fly them? I'm sure I can borrow one or the other to get us there. We can run together like old times.

There's only one other thing, and I hate to have to bring it up. Aside from the obvious problem, that is. Padfoot, I'm not sure how to ask you this.... Here it is: it's bad enough being a werewolf in a teaching community. Yes, the staff all know and they seem to harbour no ill will, but that's beside the point. Padfoot-I'm not ready to out myself on two counts. I know we've discussed this before, and I hate feeling this way-but there it is. I want you here so badly I can taste it, and rest assured once we are shut up together I will make that abundantly clear to you, how much I've missed you and how much I want to be with you, but my stance about our public faces remains unchanged. Can you forgive me for being such a coward?

Everything else can wait until you arrive, I suppose. I can't wait to see you, packmate.

Your excited, anxious, waiting,

Remus