The Substitute

Chapter 5

Remembering

Ron stared at the back of Sirius’ head. He’d been asleep, but a screaming drunk passing by the house had awoken him. For a second, he thought that, if he reached out to touch the black hair, it would be almost the same as if Harry were there with him....

When he did this, however, Sirius’ voice asked him quietly, “Everything all right, Ron?”

Ron continued to idly slide his long fingers through the silky black hair. “Mm,” was all he could manage. Sirius turned over to lie on his left side, facing Ron, so that Ron had to stop playing with his hair.

“I didn’t hear what you said.”

“There was nothing to hear.” Ron sighed, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling. During the silence that followed, Ron was aware of Sirius watching him, but he didn’t meet his eye.

“Sirius,” he said suddenly. “When did you get over him?”

“Who says I did?”

Ron turned his head to look at him now. “Are you kidding me? Still? Good lord, does that mean I’ll still be mooning over Harry in twenty-five years?”

Sirius laughed. “Well--all right. I should say that I don’t think about James constantly anymore. I’d go insane. But no, I don’t think you’ll be as pathetic as me. For a start, you didn’t cause his death--”

“Neither did you! You know Harry doesn’t blame you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. All right, let me rephrase. Harry’s still alive. Your friendship with him wasn’t cut off, with no opportunity to resolve--well, you know.”

“What do you mean resolve? Do you mean--do you actually expect me to tell Harry that--”

“Well,” Sirius said, shrugging, “it could help you to move on. Remus knows, you said. Does Hermione?”

“God, no. I don’t--I have no idea how to tell her that.”

Sirius furrowed his brow. “I can see that would be sticky. Some women like to blame themselves for a bloke fancying men. I have no idea why they’d want to take on guilt that isn’t theirs, but there you go.... What about Ginny?”

“What about her?”

“Well, she is your sister. Oh, I don’t mean telling her you fancy her husband. Just--you could come out to her. Of all people, I think Ginny would be very supportive.”

“How would you know? And you should talk--Remus knows I’m gay, but he’s still expecting you to settle down with a wife and kids.”

“No he isn’t.”

“But--he said--”

“I know. It’s a joke between us. He does that because he knows I’m not ‘out’ in general. Or maybe he thinks that if he annoys me enough about the settling down I’ll crack and out myself, just to shut him up. No, Remus has known about me for years. I fancied him before James, you know. But I never dared say anything to Remus about it. And then, when it was my fault that he almost killed Snape--well, let’s just say that put a bit of a strain on our friendship. That’s how he lost his prefect’s badge, after all, and how James got it instead, just like with you and Harry. And then James became Head Boy. If it weren’t for my stupidity, that could have been Remus. I actually idiotically wondered if that was why Remus turned traitor. Which he didn’t of course. I don’t know how I could have thought that he was still upset about that, or that he’d carry a grudge so far as to try to get James and Lily killed because James became Head Boy...”

“Well, Snape carried his grudge against Harry’s dad for years, and acted like Harry was his dad, sometimes.”

“Yes, and all of it was my fault.” He sighed. “James and I became even closer after that. Perhaps he thought that if he kept an eye on me I wouldn’t get into trouble. Can’t say that I minded him following me about.” Sirius had that lopsided grin now that made Ron want to do very naughty things to him. “And when I couldn’t take it here at home anymore and just had to leave, and the Potters took me in--well, living with James was like a dream come true--”

Ron blinked. “Huh. Remus didn’t out you to me. Wonder why?”

“Becase he would never betray a confidence. That’s not who he is. And the reason that I know that Ginny would be supportive if you told her is that she knows about me.”

Ron sat bolt upright. “She does? You didn’t--”

“Why would I tell you to tell her if I already had? I just think--it might help you. There’s this wall between you right now. You can’t go on this way.” He paused for a moment. “Lily knew.”

“Harry’s mum? Really?”

“Yeah. She was very understanding.”

Ron scrutinized Sirius’ face. “Do you think about him often?”

Sirius ran his hand down Ron’s chest, smiling slyly, making Ron shiver. “Not as often as I used to, no....”

Ron put his hand behind Sirius’ neck and pulled his face down to his. He laced his fingers into the black hair, trying not to think of his black hair, his hands, his body. Although Ron knew that Sirius thought Ron had it easier, because Harry was still alive, Ron felt that Sirius had it easier, since he had never slept with James Potter. Because of Draco Malfoy’s “prank,” Ron had always thought of his first time as something he’d shared with Harry. When he pictured it, he saw Harry’s face and body, he heard Harry’s voice, felt his fingers on his skin. Draco Malfoy had no place in this memory and had been utterly edited out of it.

“Neither do I,” Ron lied, whispering close to Sirius’ mouth before pulling him back for another hungry kiss.

THE END

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